argument146 必回拍

vprzhsUID：144409

Argument146  第6篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：30分1秒     324 words
从2005年6月28日17时9分到2005年6月28日17时30分
------题目------
The following appeared in the editorial section of a local newspaper.
'The librarians in our town's school system have reported that the number of trips that our students make to their school library on a voluntary basis has decreased significantly in recent years. For example, the average seventh-grade student visited the school library five times last year, but four of those visits were part of required classroom activities. This shows that our students are reading less than in the past. To address this problem, our town needs to improve the atmosphere of the libraries so that they will be comfortable places in which to work. If students view the libraries as uncomfortable, then they are unlikely to want to spend much time there.'
------正文------
Before improving the atmosphere of the libraries, the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other angles. And the arguer may have to provide more information concerning why less students are eager to view the libraries.

To begin with, the result of the report upon which the argument relies is to vague to be informative. For one thing, the report only involves the seventh-grade students, and there is a chance that students of other grades visited the school library more frequently last year. For another thing, even if the students actually view the school library merely five times, four of which were part of required classroom activities, it does not ensure that they do not go on a voluntary basis. It is equally possible that they may still go visiting the school library without the requirement from their school.

Moreover, even if the result of the report is reliable, which is not necessarily the case, the mere fact that students visited their school library less frequently last year is not sufficient to prove that students are reading less than in the past. We doubt that whether they can do reading in the school library. Furthermore, the arguer fails to inform us that there are no public libraries in this town. In other words, there is a chance that students prefer public libraries to their school library. What's more, some students from rich family can buy those books which they favor from the book shop, and they can stay at home finish their reading.

Last but not least, the arguer unfairly assumes the atmosphere of the libraries is so uncomfortable that no students are eager to visit them. And the argument provides no evidence to show us this is the reason. The arguer ignores many other possibilities. For example, those libraries are too small, or books in the libraries are not enough.

To sum up, the argument is not well reasoned.

clearbabyUID：2114410

Before improving the atmosphere of the libraries, the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other angles. And the arguer may have to provide more information concerning why less students are eager to view the libraries.（这只是你攻击的一个方面，这里如果要写原因就写全，要不然就一个都不要写，跟后文要对应）
开头太过简单了，建议先写个模版吧~

To begin with, the result of the report upon which the argument relies is to（too） vague to be informative. For one thing, the report only involves the seventh-grade students, and there is a chance that students of other grades visited the school library more frequently last year（审题不到位，原文中说了学生数量都减少，而以七年级为例，这个攻击点不对）. For another thing, even if the students actually view the school library merely five times, four of which were part of required classroom activities, it does not ensure that they do not go on a voluntary basis. It is equally possible that they may still go visiting the school library without the requirement from their school.
这里大方向是对的，survey无效，但找的两个攻击点都欠妥当。这里可以说没有证据证明管理员的报告的有效性，可以从调查的方法，所取的样本数量，样本代表性等方面来攻击。第一方面，调查方法，没有说明管理员的调查是通过记录，统计，还是仅仅通过印象。 第二方面，说明显少了并无说服力，可能是近几年学生的总量少了，而去图书馆的人所占比例并不少。第三方面，七年级去的少，可能是因为他们活动多，课业重等

Moreover, even if the result of the report is reliable, which is not necessarily the case, the mere fact that students visited their school library less frequently last year is not sufficient to prove that students are reading less than in the past. We doubt that whether they can do reading in the school library（什么意思，适当多几句解释一下）. Furthermore, the arguer fails to inform us that there are no public libraries in this town. In other words, there is a chance that students prefer public libraries to their school library（复数）. What's more, some students from rich family can buy those books which they favor from the book shop（没空格）, and they can stay at home finish（一句话怎么两个谓语？） their reading.

Last but not least, the arguer unfairly assumes the atmosphere of the libraries is so uncomfortable that no students（题目没说no，改成less） are eager to visit them. And the argument provides no evidence to show us this is the reason. The arguer ignores many other possibilities. For example, those libraries are too small, or books in the libraries are not enough. （最后应该有句结语）

To sum up, the argument is not well reasoned. （结尾应该再充实些）

感觉文章的结构还是有所欠缺，攻击点也不是太到位，可以看出最后是没有时间了，但在练习初期还是建议你以质量为主，不要限时，argu与iss不同，这个你打上四五篇自然会有感觉和思路，会有固定的思维模式，到时候速度自然会提高的。
另外，建议你先打上开头和结尾再写中间，不会给人虎头蛇尾的感觉，中间如果时间不够可择要攻击其他带过，而如果结尾写不好可能会比较吃亏。
希望对你有帮助...

[ Last edited by clearbaby on 2005-7-28 at 21:19 ]

vprzhsUID：144409

意见十分中肯。。感激感激。。

vprzhsUID：144409

对了，关于开头的问题，大家都认为尽量简短。。不知clearbaby有什么更好的看法呢？

clearbabyUID：2114410

我的开头一般都比较长，但我觉得不好，因为现在我如果限时写作只开头结尾就要八分钟，所以中间的论证总是不能太深刻，所以开头还是尽量简洁些，但也不要一句带过，毕竟是给人第一印象的段落，我觉得我的模版还需改进，希望对你有帮助，你也加油吧~~

vprzhsUID：144409

To clearbaby..

你说得也是，不过开头最多也三句。我打算就两句。。呵呵