Argument117 请指点没有限时有拍必回

hilucyUID: 209731

The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."
请多多指教：）

The manager asserts that the increase of the stock of home office machines and office supplies of their departments will make it become the most profitable component of their stores through just a recent survey which only has one exact number 70%.  If i was the superior, i would absolutely bring forward my suspicion until he gives me a much more credible, detailed and all-sided material.
   At the very beginning, the manager uses "a recent survey" which makes the survey so suspicious and he doesn't give the exact number and level of the surveyed people which greatly affect the fundamental validity of the survey. If the survey is designed unscientifically, for example, a small group of people were included, or they are all restricted to a single work, then the survey itself would be totally meaningless for the office-supply departments since workers like software designer will not need these products they supply and a small group of people's opinions can not stand for the masses.
   Then the manager gives a really bad reasoning. Even if one accepts the survey results, the argument remains questionable. Realistically, there is no evidence to suggest that the increase of people taking more work home will unconditional rise the requirement of office machine and office supplies. President Mao said that "No investigation, no voice". In nowadays more and more people both at home and office can work excellently without paper and printers, they work on computer and upload the files through internet. Providing that the more work at home making more requirement of office supplies, there are so many other essential elements that can greatly influence the business, such as the price, the quality of their products, the services they provide before and after sales. What is worse, the manager totally neglects other companies' competition. Therefore if the manager wants to make benefit from the trend, he/she must firstly improve their services, investigates more detailed information about competitors and make it clear that what are the most necessities for home-workers.
        Finally the manager claims overconfidently that with changes he/she has suggested, the office-supply departments will become the "most" profitable component of stores. What a ridiculous assertion! Without a single piece of analysis about other parts of the store and their market conditions, even if the office-supply department did make substantial profits, it would be too boastful to say that.
  In conclusion, The manager is sensitive to the market change, however, no enough market research and weak analysis as well as so vague information.  In nowadays we can’t win the commercial battle just with far-sight, of course, which is so important, but also comprehensive research and excellent elaborative faculty.

alicia1001UID: 205008

The manager asserts that the increase of the stock of home office machines and office supplies of their departments will make it become the most profitable component of their stores through just a recent survey which only has one exact number 70%.  If i was the superior, i would absolutely bring forward my suspicion until he gives me a much more credible, detailed and all-sided material.
   At the very beginning, the manager uses "a recent survey" which makes the survey so suspicious and he doesn't give the exact number and level of the surveyed people which greatly affect the fundamental validity of the survey. If the survey is designed unscientifically, for example, a small group of people were included, or they are all restricted to a single work, then the survey itself would be totally meaningless for the office-supply departments since workers like software designer will not need these products they supply and a small group of people's opinions can not stand for the masses.
   Then the manager gives a really bad reasoning. Even if one accepts the survey results, the argument remains questionable. Realistically, there is no evidence to suggest that the increase of people taking more work home will unconditional (应该用副词）rise the requirement of office machine and office supplies. President Mao said that "No investigation, no voice". In nowadays more and more people both at home and office can work excellently without paper and printers, they work on computer and upload the files through internet. Providing that the more work at home making more requirement of office supplies, there are so many other essential elements that can greatly influence the business, such as the price, the quality of their products, the services they provide before and after sales. What is worse, the manager totally neglects other companies' competition. Therefore if the manager wants to make benefit from the trend, he/she must firstly improve their services, investigates more detailed information about competitors and make it clear that what are the most necessities for home-workers. （这段话用在这里好像不太好，我觉得建议出现在中间段落有种分散攻击力度的感觉，在结尾段提出要好些）
Finally the manager claims overconfidently that with changes he/she has suggested, the office-supply departments will become the "most" profitable component of stores. What a ridiculous assertion! Without a single piece of analysis about other parts of the store and their market conditions, even if the office-supply department did make substantial profits, it would be too boastful to say that.
  In conclusion, The manager is sensitive to the market change, however, no enough market research and weak analysis as well as so vague information. （这句没有主语） In nowadays we can’t win the commercial battle just with far-sight, of course, which is so important, but also comprehensive research and excellent elaborative faculty.

我很菜，说不了什么，
总体感觉对于逻辑错误的攻击挺有力的， 语言上感觉比较自然，
大家共同努力吧！