argument117 请指点不足!谢谢~~

阿择菜UID: 2110339

Argument117  ------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：23分10秒     426 words
从2005年7月5日15时53分到2005年7月5日16时23分
------题目------
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
'Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.'
------正文------
In this argument the arguer gives a  recommendation that our stores should increase stoke of office supplies, in order to make the office-supply component get most profitable. The arguer gives some facts which provides why we should do in this way. Through careful examination, the assumptions of recommendation  are unwarranted. There are several fallacies.

First of all, the survey is questionable. The arguer does not provide the details of the survey, which is got when and where. Is the population of the survey too large? Are the samples of the survey random and representative? Are the respondents inclined to take more work home than any others? Perhaps the population is so small such as 10 or even fewer people that the samples are not representative. Or perhaps the respondents of survey like to work home rather than in their office. So when the details are not clear, we could not make a confidence for the survey.

Moreover, even though the survey is representative, the arguer draws a false conclusion from this situation that the trend is not the fact, even if the trend becomes true, the people working home are not certain to buy the office-machines. Perhaps the people have these machines, or perhaps the people don't use these at all. The arguer should make clear about the respondent's work, and ask them whether they need the office supplies. Further, the arguer tells that the Valu-Mart stores has not impressive sales before, we should clarify the reason why the sales are not good. Is the supporters too many in the market ,or has  people no need to buy these? Only considering the increasing the stores of the office supplies, let alone the market condition, it is possible that we would lost the share of the market. Therefore, we should take the further survey about the market.


In addition, the profit equals the revenue subtracts the cost. Is the cost increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? The arguer does not provide the details of other components of the stores. Perhaps other component is more profitable than the office-supply departments. Other component has the better sales and gets more profit. Is the cost of office supplies increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? If so, the department  fails to get more profitable either.

In sum, the arguer should provide the details of the survey, and make clear about the respondents' work ,the need of office supplies.Besides, the arguer should clarify the market condition about the office supplies. Lacking the evidence, we can not deduce the conclusion that our office-supply department will become the most profitable hastily.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-6 at 10:34 ]

nsuhUID: 2119132

------题目------
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
'Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.'
------正文------
In this argument the arguer gives a  recommendation that our stores should increase stoke of office supplies, in order to make the office-supply component get most profitable. The arguer gives some facts which provides why we should do in this way. Through careful examination, the assumptions of recommendation  are unwarranted. There are several fallacies.(感觉对原文中的推理概括的不是很清楚:according to the survey, the valu-mart should increase the strock of office supplies (第一层推理,可以作为第一个批驳点)survey应该是批驳的重点,是否应该提一下?)and the office-supply department will become the most profitable componet of our stores, (第二层推理可以作为第二个批驳点:增加了store是否可以profit?)

First of all, the survey is questionable. The arguer does not provide the details of the survey, which is got when and where这句语法上面是不是有问题? 可否改成: such as when and where it took place. Is the population of the survey too large(small?)? Are the samples of the survey random and representative? Are the respondents inclined to take more work home than any others? Perhaps the population is so small such as 10 or even fewer people that the samples are not representative. Or perhaps the respondents of survey like to work home rather than in their office. So when the details are not clear, we could not make a confidence for the survey.

Moreover,even though the survey is representative, the arguer draws a false conclusion from this situation that the trend is not the fact, even if the trend becomes true, the people working home are not certain to buy the office-machines. Perhaps the people have these machines, or perhaps the people don't use these at all. The arguer should make clear about the respondent's work, and ask them whether they need the office supplies. Further, the arguer tells that the Valu-Mart stores has not impressive sales before, we should clarify the reason why the sales are not good. Is the supporters too many in the market ,or has  people no need to buy these? Only considering the increasing the stores of the office supplies, let alone the market condition, it is possible that we would lost the share of the market. Therefore, we should take the further survey about the market.感觉这个批驳点说得不是非常清楚,我觉的可以按第二个推理来反驳,increse stores=? profit,之后是不是应该连续展开理由,1,they might prefer to buy these office machines in the special store2,3,等等,你的意思是 users not certain to buy,之后的理由感觉说得有点乱,感觉不是一个中心.


In addition, the profit equals the revenue subtracts the cost. Is the cost increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? The arguer does not provide the details of other components of the stores. Perhaps other component is more profitable than the office-supply departments. Other component has the better sales and gets more profit. Is the cost of office supplies increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? If so, the department  fails to get more profitable either.这一段批驳的不错,中心突出,看一眼就明白在批驳什么.

In sum, the arguer should provide the details of the survey, and make clear about the respondents' work ,the need of office supplies.Besides, the arguer should clarify the market condition about the office supplies. Lacking the evidence, we can not deduce the conclusion that our office-supply department will become the most profitable hastily.

加强moreover,总体来说很不错

[ Last edited by nsuh on 2005-8-5 at 17:26 ]

阿择菜UID: 2110339

In this argument the arguer gives a  recommendation that our stores should increase stock of office supplies, in order to make the office-supply component get most profitable. The arguer gives some facts which provides why we should do in this way. Through careful examination, the assumptions of recommendation  are unwarranted. There are several fallacies.[我只是感觉开头大概叙述一下就可以了,并不一定非得要把题目细节叙述的很清晰]
First of all, the survey is questionable. The arguer does not provide the details of the survey, which is got when and where. Is the population of the survey too large? Are the samples of the survey random and representative? Are the respondents inclined to take more work home than any others? Perhaps the population is so small such as 10 or even fewer people that the samples are not representative. Or perhaps the respondents of survey like to work home rather than in their office. So when the details are not clear, we could not make a confidence for the survey.

Moreover, even though the survey is representative, the arguer draws a false conclusion from this situation that the trend is not the fact, even if the trend becomes true, the people working home are not certain to buy the office-machines. Perhaps the people have these machines, or perhaps the people don't use these at all. [Perhaps the people have these machiens,granted they have not,it is not certain to go our stores to buy those.]The arguer should make clear about the respondent's work, and ask them whether they need the office supplies. Further, the arguer tells that the Valu-Mart stores has not impressive sales before, we should clarify the reason why the sales are not good. Is the supporters too many in the market ,or has  people no need to buy these?[ Are the office supplies the cheapest and good service than other stores? ]Only considering the increasing the stores of the office supplies, let alone the market condition, it is possible that we would lost the share of the market. Therefore, we should take the further survey about the market.


In addition, the profit equals the revenue subtracts the cost. Is the cost increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? The arguer does not provide the details of other components of the stores. Perhaps other component is more profitable than the office-supply departments. Other component has the better sales and gets more profit. Is the cost of office supplies increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? If so, the department  fails to get more profitable either.

In sum, the arguer should provide the details of the survey, and make clear about the respondents' work ,the need of office supplies.Besides, the arguer should clarify the market condition about the office supplies. Lacking the evidence, we can not deduce the conclusion that our office-supply department will become the most profitable hastily.

77糯米团UID: 2109615

In this argument the arguer gives a  recommendation that our stores should increase stock of office supplies, in order to make the office-supply component get most profitable. The arguer gives some facts which provides why we should do in this way. Through careful examination, the assumptions of recommendation  are unwarranted. There are several fallacies.[觉得开头太简单了.多提一下文章的claims跟support吧.按照下面即将批驳的顺序,显得有条理些, 充实一点]
First of all, the survey is questionable. The arguer does not provide the details of the survey, which is got when and where.[口语化了点吧] Is the population of the survey too large? Are the samples of the survey random and representative? Are the respondents inclined to take more work home than any others? Perhaps the population is so small such as 10 or even fewer people that the samples are not representative. Or perhaps the respondents of survey like to work home rather than in their office. So when the details are not clear, we could not make a confidence for the survey.[用问句蛮好,但是那么多问题似乎应该分个条例吧. 比如用first, second.一个一个来. 而且每句用陈述句总结一下这条问题的核心, 比如Is the population of the survey too large? Are the samples of the survey random and representative?表达成.the arguer fails to convince us that the sample is significant in size and  representative of the overall population]

Moreover, even though the survey is representative, the arguer draws a false conclusion [句子好长draws a false conclusion换成assumes会不会简洁点].from this situation that the trend is not the fact, even if the trend becomes true, the people working home are not certain to buy the office-machines. Perhaps the people have these machines, or perhaps the people don't use these at all. [Perhaps the people have these machiens,granted they have not,it is not certain to go our stores to buy those.]The arguer should make clear about the respondent's work, and ask them whether they need the office supplies.[是不是还可以加一点Argue,有些带回家的工作不用负责的办公设备.比如简单的文件整理分类工作] Further, the arguer tells that the Valu-Mart stores has not impressive sales before, we should clarify the reason why the sales are not good. Is the supporters too many in the market ,or has  people no need to buy these?[ Are the office supplies the cheapest and good service than other stores? ]Only considering the increasing the stores of the office supplies, let alone the market condition, it is possible that we would lost the share of the market. Therefore, we should take the further survey about the market.[觉得这段可以自成一段, TS就是the arguer fails to analysis the reason of the low sales before][


In addition, the profit equals the revenue subtracts the cost. [是不是可以加一个让步.即使上述的survey结果可信,回家工作的人会购买一些办公设备,当然都是unwarranted假设]Is the cost increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? The arguer does not provide the details of other components of the stores. Perhaps other component is more profitable than the office-supply departments. Other component has the better sales and gets more profit. Is the cost of office supplies increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? If so, the department  fails to get more profitable either.

In sum, the arguer should provide the details of the survey, and make clear about the respondents' work and the need of office supplies[觉得这句话好像没说完.the respondents' work and the need of office supplies换个表达],.Besides, the arguer should clarify the market condition about the office supplies. Lacking the evidence, we can not deduce the conclusion that our office-supply department will become the most profitable hastily.

[ Last edited by 77糯米团 on 2005-8-5 at 22:33 ]

逗逗UID: 173558

In this argument the arguer gives a  recommendation that our stores should increase stoke of office supplies, in order to make the office-supply component get most profitable. The arguer gives some facts which provides why we should do in this way. Through careful examination, the assumptions of recommendation  are unwarranted. There are several fallacies.（我喜欢简洁的开头，不错）

First of all, the survey is questionable. The arguer does not provide the details of the survey, which is got when and where. Is the population of the survey too large? Are the samples of the survey random and representative? Are the respondents inclined to take more work home than any others? Perhaps the population（不要用这个词吧，participants of this survey?） is so small such as 10 or even fewer people that the samples are not representative. Or perhaps the respondents of survey like to work home rather than in their office. （这句话说的不是很清楚，是想说those who like to work at home are more prone to response to this survey ？吗）So when the details are not clear, we could not make a confidence for the survey.

Moreover, even though the survey is representative, the arguer draws a false conclusion from this situation that the trend is not the fact, even if the trend becomes true, the people working home are not certain to buy the office-machines. Perhaps the people have these machines, or perhaps the people don't use these at all. The arguer should make clear about the respondent's work, and ask them whether they need the office supplies.（我觉得这用例举发说的更清楚些，不要仅仅概括） Further, the arguer tells that the Valu-Mart stores has not impressive sales before, we should clarify the reason why the sales are not good. Is the supporters too many in the market ,or has  people no need to buy these? Only considering the increasing the stores of the office supplies, let alone the market condition, it is possible that we would lost the share of the market. Therefore, we should take the further survey about the market.


In addition, the profit equals the revenue subtracts the cost. Is the cost increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? The arguer does not provide the details of other components of the stores. Perhaps other component is more profitable than the office-supply departments. Other component has the better sales and gets more profit. Is the cost of office supplies increasing  with the need of market even if the sales increases? If so, the department  fails to get more profitable either.(觉得顺序有点乱，TS先说不大可能成为最盈利的部门比较好，把成本收益分析以及其他部门的表现作为原因)

In sum, the arguer should provide the details of the survey, and make clear about the respondents' work ,the need of office supplies.Besides, the arguer should clarify the market condition about the office supplies. Lacking the evidence, we can not deduce the conclusion that our office-supply department will become the most profitable hastily.

羡慕楼主的速度 , 我A刚入门 帮我提点意见吧
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... type%26typeid%3D102

阿择菜UID: 2110339

明天我再改改
  谢谢逗逗