argument153 G-89-互助社-8月6日同主题写作(大家尽情拍吧)

plutoplutoUID: 2116389

交作业, 自己的第三篇ARG,还是没限时, 60分钟吧
大家表不好意思, 尽情拍, 我赶快去把ISSUE写出来, 晚上来拍别人

Argument 153      60min
------题目------
The following is from an editorial in the Midvale Observer, a local newspaper.
'Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in the average home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Alta has steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increase in violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television—programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.—should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time.'
------正文------
In this editorial, the author concludes that increase in violence shown on TV is responsible for the increase in teenage crime in Alta. Based on this conclusion, the arguer further recommends that television views should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta. However, a careful scrutiny of his argument reveals a few logical flaws.

To begin with, the author assumes a causal relationship between the increase of violence shown and the increase of teenage crime where only a correlation has been indicated. With the evidence quoted from the argument, we can only assert that the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in Alta has steadily increased since the 1950's while the television sets happen to appear in average home. This does not necessarily lead to a causal relationship between the two.  Firstly, the rate of crimes committed by the teenagers increased does not properly indicate that the absolute number of teenager crimes has increased. If there are same amount of teenager crimes each year while the total number of crimes decreases, one may also find the rate of teenage crimes increasing. Secondly, the popularization of TV sets could not serve as a substitute index for the increase in violence shown on TV. Thirdly, even if we assume that this argument could strongly support the idea that the increase in violence shown on TV and the increase in teenage crime occurs simultaneously, it is hasty to conclude the two facts are reasons and results. On one hand, many factors other than TV could lead to an increase in teenage crimes such violent social circumstance and adults' abetment; on the other hand, some television scenes which do not contain violence could also serve as a causation such as TV shows contains sex and porn.

Moreover, the arguer presents several national studies to support his idea. Yet we are not told anything about the way the study was conducted or how well it could represent the author's conclusion. Especially, the study only mentioned that very young children would display more violent behavior while watching a great number of violent shows. It is possible that very young kids do not have too much sense of judging whether a behavior is right or wrong before they imitate it in daily life. Thus it is unreliable to generate the results of these national studies to teenagers who have more sense of social justice.

Last, the author mentions a survey conducted by the Observer, which is only a local newspaper. We found no sign of random sampling in the survey procedure so the sample does not represents all the parents in the country of Alta as a whole in their opinions towards violence shown during prime time. Furthermore, even if we take this survey as a reliable indicator of all the parents' attitudes, we could not conclude that they ask for less violence shows because of their kids, as is not mentioned in the survey results. Maybe most parents just like to watch something sweet and relaxing after 8-hour work each day.

To sum up, the arguer fails to present warranted evidence to prove that the increase in violence shown on TV directly leads to the increasing rate of teenage crime. Therefore, his recommendation of reducing the amount of violence shown during prime time may not solve the teenage crime problem. To support his conclusion he'd better provide more detailed survey such as interviewing those teenager criminals and revalue the influence of violent TV shows on them.

PEGGYUID: 2102778

看了第一段就感觉不错.占个座!:)

PEGGYUID: 2102778

In this editorial, the author concludes that increase in violence shown on TV is responsible for the increase in teenage crime in Alta. Based on this conclusion, the arguer further recommends that television views should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta. However, a careful scrutiny of his argument reveals a few logical flaws.

To begin with, the author assumes a causal relationship between the increase of violence shown and the increase of teenage crime where only a correlation has been indicated. (好句子，先学习学习！)With the evidence quoted from the argument, we can only assert that the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in Alta has steadily increased since the 1950's while the television sets happen to appear in average home. This does not necessarily lead to a causal relationship between the two.  Firstly, （主语从句应该加个that吧）the rate of crimes committed by the teenagers increased does not properly indicate that the absolute number of teenager crimes has increased. If there are same amount of teenager crimes each year while the total number of crimes decreases, one may also find the rate of teenage crimes increasing. （恩，有说服力！）Secondly, the popularization of TV sets could not serve as a substitute index for the increase in violence shown on TV. （这句话是不是说反了?而且这个题目中没有提到嘛，楼主没有用证据说明暴力节目的增加是由于电视机的普及，我认为楼主的这个假设是不成立的）Thirdly, even if we assume that this argument could strongly support the idea that the increase in violence shown on TV and the increase in teenage crime occurs simultaneously, it is hasty to conclude the two facts are reasons and results.（这个不是又再重复这段的主题吗？我觉得楼主可以分两段写，先写青少年犯罪是否增加，再写青少年犯罪增加与暴力节目增加是否有因果关系） On one hand, many factors other than TV could lead to an increase in teenage crimes such（少了as） violent social circumstance and adults' abetment; on the other hand, some television scenes which do not contain violence could also serve as a causation such as TV shows contains sex and porn.(个人认为on one hand ;on the other hand是用于两个对立的方面，用for one thing; for another thing更好)

Moreover, the arguer presents several national studies to support his idea. Yet we are not told anything about the way the study was conducted or how well it could represent the author's conclusion.（represent 是家长吧，不是作者的结论） Especially, the study only mentioned that very young children would display more violent behavior while watching a great number of violent shows. It is possible that very young kids do not have too much sense of judging whether a behavior is right or wrong before they imitate it in daily life. Thus it is unreliable to generate the results of these national studies to teenagers who have more sense of social justice.

Last, the author mentions a survey conducted by the Observer, which is only a local newspaper.（感觉没必要指出是当地的报纸，因为楼主后来没有对其权威性并为提出质疑） We found no sign of random sampling in the survey procedure so the sample does not represents all the parents in the country of Alta as a whole in their opinions towards violence shown during prime time. Furthermore, even if we take this survey as a reliable indicator of all the parents' attitudes, we could not conclude that they ask for less violence shows because of their kids, as is not mentioned in the survey results. （这个也想到了，厉害！）Maybe most parents just like to watch something sweet and relaxing after 8-hour work each day.

To sum up, the arguer fails to present warranted evidence to prove that the increase in violence shown on TV directly leads to the increasing rate of teenage crime. Therefore, his recommendation of reducing the amount of violence shown during prime time may not solve the teenage crime problem. To support his conclusion he'd better provide more detailed survey such as interviewing those teenager criminals and revalue the influence of violent TV shows on them.（最后不应该用分词短语吧，是不是应该改成一个名词性的与survey平行或者在such as 前面打逗号不知行否）

整体感觉相当不错，:)楼主第三篇argument就能写成这样，小妹佩服佩服！不知楼主有没有什么经验可以传授给大家。:lol
逻辑和语言都连贯流畅，就是第一段说得有点绕。
不过楼主的语言功底真是可见一斑，让人羡慕啊！！:$
还有六百洋洋字，不知到时楼主是否来得及，建议删减一些不太重要的（例如第一段中观点的重述）。个人觉得450到500字最好。
楼主加油吧！6分在朝你微笑！
:victory:

plutoplutoUID: 2116389

多谢多谢, 我也觉得第一段有些长, 回去改成两段试试.
其实每段TS和总结用的都是各式各样的模版套的, 我觉得ARG一是批到最明显的要点, 二是最好有点小新意.不过偶的新东方作文老师说用词造句最好有文化点, 免得被ETS瞧不起.可惜偶词汇有限, 痛苦啊
准备写几篇把自己的语句,开头,结尾固定下后限时,能否来得及,到时实验吧
刚刚看了一篇ARG,每段就是三句,先说是什么样错误, 然后论证,在变相总结重复,用词也很好,400多字,好象是KEEYANG的大作吧, 逻辑语言都很好,羡慕中...