Argument239 寄托4人组 8-08

bridgewalkerUID: 208595

Argument239  我的第1篇阿狗！不是很容易啊！
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作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：35分 （超时！！！）    400 words
从2005年7月8日17时14分到2005年7月8日17时30分
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The following appeared as an editorial in the local newspaper of Dalton.
'When the neighboring town of Williamsville adopted a curfew four months ago that made it illegal for persons under the age of 18 to loiter or idle in public places after 10 p.m., youth crime in Williamsville dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours. In Williamsville's town square, the area where its citizens were once most outraged at the high crime rate, not a single crime has been reported since the curfew was introduced. Therefore, to help reduce its own rising crime rate, the town of Dalton should adopt the same kind of curfew. A curfew that keeps young people at home late at night will surely control juvenile delinquency and protect minors from becoming victims of crime.'

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In this argument, the editor suggests Dalton adapting the curfew form the neighboring town of Williamsville to fight against its rising crime rate. I found this suggest would fail according to the flaws I listed below.

To begin with, there is no substantial evidence to prove the effectiveness of curfew implemented by Williamsville in eliminating youth crime. Firstly, although the youth crime rate dropped 27 percent during curfew hours, it does not rule out the possibility that there is a still high crime rate in non curfew time. Secondly, since this curfew only consider security in public places, crimes would happen at some other place, such as private home, apartment building, etc. Additionally, the sharp reduce of crime report at the town square might be replaced a rising crime rate at other places of the town.

Moreover, even if the curfew can reduce youth crime effectively, it might turn out to be useless in reduce crimes at Dalton. The editor does provide any detail information about crimes happened at Dalton, which makes the suggestion vulnerable. For instance, if the crimes happened at Dalton are not committed by youngsters, or the proportion of youth crime is insignificant in comparison with other crimes,  adopting curfew, which is presumably effective in reduce youth crime, would have nothing to do with Dalton's rising crime rate.

In addition, the editor assumes that juvenile delinquency can be controlled only by keeping young people at home. In the first place, common sense tells us that youth crime can happen anywhere besides homes. Daily newspaper usually reports home killings and violence that committed by adolescents. This piece of fact makes editor's assumption suspicious. In the second place, in this era of information technology, youngsters can commit crime on the Internet as long as they have connection to it. So if they are not allowed going out at night by the curfew, it might good news for them to hark some websites for fun.

In sum, the editor's suggestion would be unconvincing unless the flaws and alternatives possibilities that pointed out above are eliminated. In order to improve this argument, the true effectiveness of curfew in reducing crime rate should be scientifically examined; statistics about Dalton's crime should be provided. At last, new possible ways for youths to commit crimes must be taken into account.

[ Last edited by bridgewalker on 2005-8-8 at 18:27 ]

meautoUID: 2116250

The following appeared as an editorial in the local newspaper of Dalton.
'When the neighboring town of Williamsville adopted a curfew four months ago that made it illegal for persons under the age of 18 to loiter or idle in public places after 10 p.m., youth crime in Williamsville dropped by 27 percent during curfew hours. In Williamsville's town square, the area where its citizens were once most outraged at the high crime rate, not a single crime has been reported since the curfew was introduced. Therefore, to help reduce its own rising crime rate, the town of Dalton should adopt the same kind of curfew. A curfew that keeps young people at home late at night will surely control juvenile delinquency and protect minors from becoming victims of crime.'

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In this argument, the editor suggests Dalton adapting the curfew formfrom the neighboring town of Williamsville to fight against its rising crime rate. I foundfind this suggestsuggestion would fail according to the flaws I listed below.
开头够简洁，就是最后一句话有点绕口。
To begin with, there is no substantial evidence to prove the effectiveness of curfew implemented by Williamsville in eliminating youth crime. Firstly, although the youth crime rate dropped 27 percent during curfew hours, it does not rule out the possibility that there is a still high crime rate in non curfew time. Secondly, since this curfew only consider security in public places, crimes would happen at some other place,places such as private home, apartment building, etc. Additionally, the sharp reduce of crime report at the town square might be replaced a rising crime rate at other places of the town.
建议一段尽量只攻击一个错误。1，其他时段犯罪率可能升高2，其他场所犯罪率高了。不知道你看过ETS给的UNIVERSITY OF CLARIA的6分和5分对比没，把一个错误分析透彻实际上是赚分的明智选择。
Moreover, even if the curfew can reduce youth crime effectively in Williamsville, it might turn out to be useless in reduce crimes at Dalton. The editor does not provide any detaildetailed information about crimes happened at Dalton, which makes the suggestion vulnerable.花了一段的1/2指出错误是不是太浪费了？重点应该是在分析和辨证上吧。 For instance, if the crimes happened at Dalton are not committed by youngsters, or the proportion of youth crime is insignificant in comparison with other crimes,  adopting curfew, which is presumably effective in reduce reducing youth crime, would have nothing to do with Dalton's rising crime rate.
not committed by youngsters,那么是committed by who? Other crimes 又是什crimes?如果把这些抽象的东西换以具体的例子，我想更有说服力。
In addition, the editor assumes that juvenile delinquency can be controlled only by keeping young people at home. In the first place, common sense？什么COMMON SENSE？ tells us that youth crime can happen anywhere besides homes. Daily newspaper usually reports home killings and violence that committed by adolescents. This piece of fact makes editor's assumption suspicious. In the second place, in this era of information technology,这种话还是在ISSUE里面出现就可以了，个人认为用在ARGUMENT不适宜 youngsters can commit crime on the Internet as long as they have connection to it.as long as 典型的无中生有 So if they are not allowed going out at night by the curfew, it might good news for them to hark some websites for fun.

In sum, the editor's suggestion would be unconvincing unless the flaws and alternatives possibilities that pointed out above are eliminated. In order to improve this argument, the true effectiveness of curfew in reducing crime rate should be scientifically examined; statistics about Dalton's crime should be provided. At last, new possible ways for youths to commit crimes must be taken into account.

呵呵，语言结构都还算清晰，重点打击你以下几点：
1，        摸版的痕迹有一点重（只是一点点），该具体论证的地方写抽象了。见第3段末。
2，        最后一个错误攻击的有点不入正题。说青少年在其他的地方犯罪，然后就直接说for example, home killings and violence, internet crimes就OK了，as long as they get access to Internet, daily newspaper就没有必要了。这个错误，和第2段指出的错误，某种程度上还是一种重复。
3，        Williamsville的犯罪率下降是实施CURFEW的原因么，这是个前提错误。恩恩。注意下。