ISSUE61 taotaoQ*作业( coffee小组)

taotaoQUID：2105710

第一次完成大作,请大家尽管"批"!
谢谢各位:) coffee小组加油!!!


        Do high-profit awards such as the Noble prize are damaging to society? The speaker claims so, for the reason that these prizes suggest that only a few people deserve such recognition. I concede that in certain cases the prizes produce some negative effects. However, in my view, these high-profit awards bring more positive effects than negative ness.

       I will aptly illustrate my point from the follow two aspects.
       In the first place, it  obviously seems barely unreason that these prizes suggest only a few people deserve such recognition. However, these prizes have some regulations to rewarding, which actually will limit some people who are also outstanding can not participate the prizes evaluating. For example, Noble prizes set some limits, such as the number of prize-winner. In the high technology society, people always work in a team. An individual can not easily get success without teammates. If the achievement is admitted by the Noble prize, but the researchers can not get the prizes for the number of group members over the limitation. Thus the prizes do not suggest only a few people deserve such recognition, but imply a few people are satisfied for the requires of these prizes. Thus the speaker wrongly deduced the above conclusion.

      In the second place, the rewards aim to encourage individuals to make benefits for society and human being. So these prizes only provide positive effects to society through this angle . For example, the bonus offering to prize-winner can help they improve lab conditions, prepare for the next expeditious and so forth. And the contributions they make will be benefit for society continuously.

      In the third place, most of these winners are the great men who have a large amount of merits which worthy learning by us. For example, these successors have the same characteristic of hard-working, rigorous and persistence. From learning these good characteristics and habits, we could improve ourselves. Thus the prizes take no harm to us but bring us benefit .
      
       In the forth place, these high-profit prizes always are the prizes which on behalf of the brightness of the whole society. And they have the responsibility of guiding the populace toward to the right, calling their conscience of being honesty and responsible men. Such as the prize of Pulitzer, which set up for directing our news to be accuracy and true, and the mediums should be responsible for the people. As the result of the rewarding, there will be more and more improvement for our human being.

       Admittedly, the negative effects will come about insofar as the prizes are mistaken to award to the individual whose achievement is harmfully to human being. Nevertheless, these prizes will courage them to continue to damage the society for the honors symbolize fairness, rightness and progress.  

       In the final analysis, the prize-winners are not the only men are excellent enough for deserving the prizes. But the people who have been recognized by the prizes judgers and satisfied the prizes requires.  And even more, the high-profit prizes could offer positive effects far outweigh the negative effects they may cause.   
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[ Last edited by taotaoQ on 2005-12-21 at 15:55 ]

calsunnyUID：2163431

占坐，才看到你的签名和我的ID 有共同的地方，呵呵！

taotaoQUID：2105710

那就帮忙改改哈!!!
3Q

Cappuccino☆UID：2155660

大体看了一下,觉得你的论证有点分散,而且每个观点论述的都不是很深入,比如说第3段吧,就是一个观点与一个例子,都没有好好的展开.应该将自己的观点整理一下,把相同或相似的就弄在一段写,相当于说一个观点的时候分几个层次,这样会使论证严密一点

建议在论证表达上多下点工夫



呵呵~~你没有交题目与提纲啊~~~

[ Last edited by Cappuccino☆ on 2005-12-21 at 17:23 ]

taotaoQUID：2105710

恩,9494
感觉没写深

hunsonUID：2147580

Do high-profit awards such as the Noble prize are damaging to society? The speaker claims so, for the reason that these prizes suggest that only a few people deserve such recognition. I concede that in certain cases the prizes produce some negative effects. However, in my view, these high-profit awards bring more positive effects than negative ness.

       I will aptly illustrate my point from the follow two aspects.
       In the first place, it  obviously seems barely unreason that these prizes suggest only a few people deserve such recognition. However, these prizes have some regulations to rewarding,[qualifications for awards 也许更贴切，而且rewarding好象只有报偿的意思]which actually will limit some people who are also outstanding can not participate the prizes evaluating. For example, Noble prizes set some limits, such as the number of prize-winner. In the high technology society, people always work in a team. An individual can not easily get success without [cooperations？]teammates. If the achievement is admitted by the Noble prize, but the researchers can not get the prizes for the number of group members over the limitation. Thus the prizes do not suggest only a few people deserve such recognition, but imply a few people are satisfied for the requires of these prizes.[only a few people can be qualified for the  prizes] Thus the speaker wrongly deduced the above conclusion.
[这一段感觉句式变化不多，较平淡，和我头一次写类似，我是not only。。。but also的并列句型狂多。感觉thus的顺承似乎没说透，而且thus的同义词一可以考虑therefore，hence，thence什么的，拙见]

      In the second place, the rewards aim[is？] to encourage individuals to make benefits for society and human being. So these prizes only provide positive effects to society through this angle . For example, the bonus offering to prize-winner can help they improve lab conditions, prepare for the next expeditious and so forth. And the contributions they make will be benefit[benificial？] for society continuously.

      In the third place, most of these winners are the great men who have a large amount of merits which worthy learning by us. For example, these successors have the same characteristic of hard-working, rigorous and persistence. From learning these good characteristics and habits, we could improve ourselves. Thus the prizes take no harm to us but bring us benefit .
      
       In the forth place, these high-profit prizes always are the prizes which on behalf of the brightness of the whole society. And they have the responsibility of guiding the populace toward to the right, calling their conscience of being honesty and responsible men. Such as the prize of Pulitzer, which set up for directing our news to be accuracy and true, and the mediums[好象复数用media更好] should be responsible for the people. As the result of the rewarding, there will be more and more improvement for our human being.
[感觉2，3，4段似乎都是讲nobel奖得主对社会的作用和好处，合成一段，把例子拱磁石点应该论证更有力些吧]

       Admittedly,[Admittedly似乎没明确的让人感觉到有让步意图] the negative effects will come about insofar as the prizes are mistaken to award to the individual whose achievement is harmfully to human being. Nevertheless, these prizes will courage them to continue to damage the society for the honors symbolize fairness, rightness and progress.  [论证反面似乎说理不透，假如说说nobel等评审得评选机构没得到有效监督，假如做伪或不公正什么的话等等消极影响，总值这段有让步的意识不错]

       In the final analysis, the prize-winners are not the only men are excellent enough for deserving the prizes. But the people who have been recognized by the prizes judgers and satisfied the prizes requires.  And even more, the high-profit prizes could offer positive effects far outweigh[far outweigh？] the negative effects they may cause.
总体感觉：
  论证不是很透实，例子比较淡薄，句式变化少，而且针对得奖者的句子似乎铺成过盛，段首起承词似乎变化叫少，略显平淡，假如后面的展开有力的话到无所谓，假如走向反面，给人的感觉似乎由稍差。用词上似乎不够精准，一点浅见，欢迎提不同意见

[ Last edited by hunson on 2005-12-21 at 19:48 ]

Cappuccino☆UID：2155660

hunson,你应该给taotaoQ详改作文~~
从语言,结构,论证3个方面进行的~~

hunsonUID：2147580

Originally posted by Cappuccino☆ at 2005-12-21 19:29
hunson,你应该给taotaoQ详改作文~~
从语言,结构,论证3个方面进行的~~

刚才只是测试了一下，着色的效果，就让你抓住了，惭愧

taotaoQUID：2105710

小鸡啄迷似的点头,多谢多谢
我下来一定仔细修改,能传授一些提高语言表达方法的心得经验不???

calsunnyUID：2163431

提几点意见啊，不对的地方请多包涵：

1，没有中文或者英文的提纲；
2，第二段应该(就是那一句话的应该是属於第一段的？只是排版的问题，是吗？
3，好像说最好不用 the first,the sencond等的除非大牛！
4，the first place 那一段，TS之后就来一个强转折，让人confuse，哪一个才是TS？另外那句有点中国式表达呢！
5，the third place的原因提得挺好的，我们都没有想到。
6,让步那一段有点费解，应该有更深入的解释的，应该说基本还是公平的，如果否定这些获奖的公平性，不就否定了整个文章了？
7，段落是挺多的，可以合并。
8，思想都挺好的，也挺新颖的，就是有待充实！

呵呵，我怎么提了八点了！

taotaoQUID：2105710

呵呵,谢谢,都是很宝贵的意见!!!
下来我一定要仔细想想,怎么写深入,只是写的时候怕一深入分析,就纠不清逻辑,然后就写不清句子了!!!