issue141 ［加州阳光］第三次作业 想拍就拍 要拍的响亮

benniUID: 2166321

1、在金融产品的选购中，conformity的确重要
2、但对于很多行业 i 有过之而无不及，比如餐饮业（本来想具体举两个例子，实在身体不适）

3、娱乐业也是如此

这次写得有点扯，还有点短，大脑混乱中...辛苦jj了

Does personal economic success require conformity rather than individuality，as the speaker asserts? While I concede that when it comes to some aspects of personal economic success, conformity indeed is more important than individuality in some field, however, I find that the speaker's claim is unjustifiably ignores the merits of individuality.

On the one hand, it is true that when it comes to the personal investment, empirical experience tells us the advantages of conformity. In present days, more and more financial products have been appearing in market and hence choosing from them is proved to be a tough task. Although the newly invented ones with more individuality have a potential opportunity to bring higher profit, most people tend to choose the one that has a relative long history and has been tested by consumers and market. Why? Because investing on the new ones means to take high risk to fulfill the would-be high profit. Besides, a great deal of experience reveals that conforming to public is a much wiser decision when it comes to investing on various financial derivatives. A compelling fact involves with the failure of Bahraini Bank. To avoid the market risk and potential lose, the consultant of the bank invented a brand new financial tool which directly rendered Bahraini bank with hundreds-history out of business.

However, the speaker unfoundedly overextends the positive influence of conformity and meanwhile overlooks the adverse influence of it. In the highly competitive society, in numerous industries, almost all the administrators attempts to find their own individuality rather than to be confined by the so-called “conformity”. Consider, for example, the restaurant industry. In any metropolis, there are many restaurants to choose from and how to intensify their own individuality has become the key part of promotion. Understandably, without individuality, it is rather difficult to be more attractive to consumers than other competitors.

In additional, with the respect to the entertainment industry, comparing to simply conformity, the advantages of individuality is more obvious. Take film industry for example. Several years ago, because of the refined clothes, special Chinese scenes, and unique eastern story line, Crouch Tiger and Hiding Dragon, a successful product of Ang Lee, was popular in North America and eventually won the best foreign language film of Oscar. In my observation, after the big achievement of Ang Lee, many Chinese filmmakers who are committed to conformity have directed several similar style films about ancient China but each of them did not attain success over Ang Lee’s who is the first person to display the Chinese ancient culture to western audiences.

In sum, it is indisputable that conformity have some advantages over individuality in some aspects of personal economic success. Nevertheless, in many realms, such as restaurant and entertainment industry, individuality would undoubtedly better serve to maximize the profit. Not only because could individuality cater to nowadays consumers who are always interested in unique things and with shift demands, but also could emphasis its advantages among innumerous competitors.

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Does personal economic success require conformity rather than individuality，as the speaker asserts? While I concede that when it comes to some aspects of personal economic success, conformity indeed is more important than individuality in some field, however, I find that the speaker's claim is unjustifiably ignores the merits of individuality.
开头简洁精彩!!向你学习!!!:handshake

On the one hand, it is true that when it comes to the personal investment, empirical experience tells us the advantages of conformity. In present days, more and more financial products have been appearing in market and hence choosing from them is proved to be a tough task. Although the newly invented ones with more individuality have a potential opportunity to bring higher profit, most people tend to choose the one that has a relative long history and has been tested by consumers and market. Why? Because investing on the new ones means to take high risk to fulfill the would-be high profit. Besides, a great deal of experience reveals that conforming to public is a much wiser decision when it comes to investing on various financial derivatives. A
compelling fact involves with the failure of Bahraini Bank. To avoid the market risk and potential lose, the consultant of the bank invented a brand new financial tool which directly rendered Bahraini bank with hundreds-history out of business.

However, the speaker unfoundedly overextends the positive influence of conformity and meanwhile overlooks the adverse influence of it. In the highly competitive society, in numerous industries, almost all the administrators attempts to find their own individuality rather than to be confined by the so-called “conformity”. Consider, for example, the restaurant industry. In any metropolis, there are many restaurants to choose from and how to intensify their own individuality has become the key part of promotion. Understandably, without individuality, it is rather difficult to be more attractive to consumers than other competitors.

In additional, with the respect to the entertainment industry, comparing to simply conformity, the advantages of individuality is more obvious. Take film industry for example. Several years ago, because of the refined clothes, special Chinese scenes, and unique eastern story line, Crouch Tiger and Hiding Dragon, a successful product of Ang Lee, was popular in North America and eventually won the best foreign language film of Oscar. In my observation, after the big achievement of Ang Lee, many Chinese filmmakers who are committed to conformity have directed several similar style films about ancient China but each of them did not attain success over Ang Lee’s who is the first person to display the Chinese ancient culture to western audiences.

In sum, it is indisputable that conformity have some advantages over individuality in some aspects of personal economic success. Nevertheless, in many realms, such as restaurant and entertainment industry, individuality would undoubtedly better serve to maximize the profit. Not only because could individuality cater to nowadays consumers who are always interested in unique things and with shift demands, but also could emphasis its advantages among innumerous competitors.


我是看完开头先小赞了一下,继续往下看,越看越停不下来了,简直是太好了!!看完之后又反复看了几遍,想,毕竟是帮别人改作文,你帮人家改人家才能帮你改啊,可是真的是实在挑不出错误!!太佩服了~~~楼主真厉害!!文章衔接紧密,小词用得很好~~我要是后期能有你这样的水平就足够了,如果告诉我这还得不了5分的话,恐怕我真的要延期了....
麻烦楼主帮我看看我的作文吧,:(以后要密切关注你的大作了!!太多值得我学习的地方了!!:handshake


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jj7710UID: 204058

1、在金融产品的选购中，conformity的确重要
2、但对于很多行业 i 有过之而无不及，比如餐饮业（本来想具体举两个例子，实在身体不适）

3、娱乐业也是如此

这次写得有点扯，还有点短，大脑混乱中...辛苦jj了

Does personal economic success require conformity rather than individuality，as the speaker asserts? While I concede that when it comes to some aspects of personal economic success, conformity indeed is more important than individuality in some field, however, I find that the speaker's claim is unjustifiably ignores the merits of individuality（这句有两个谓语，is 和 ignore，去掉is）

On the one hand, it is true that when it comes to the personal investment, empirical experience tells us the advantages of conformity. In present days, more and more（建议改为 a growing number of ，more and more 是cliche）financial products have been appearing in market and hence choosing（one）from them is proved to be a tough task. Although the newly invented ones with more individuality have a potential opportunity to bring higher profit, most people tend to choose the one that has a relative long history and has been tested by consumers and （建议加个changable）market. Why? Because investing on the new ones means to take high risk to fulfill the would-be high profit. Besides, a great deal of experience reveals that conforming to public is a much wiser decision when it comes to investing on various financial derivatives. A compelling fact involves with the failure of Bahraini Bank. To avoid the market risk and potential lose, the consultant of the bank invented a brand new financial tool which directly rendered Bahraini bank with hundreds-history（表达有问题？，hundreds-history什么意思？） out of business.（举的例子太短，可以再具体点。比如产品损失了多少……）

However, the speaker unfoundedly overextends the positive influence of conformity and meanwhile overlooks the adverse influence of it. In the highly competitive society, in numerous industries, almost all the administrators attempts（attempt） to find their own individuality rather than to be confined by the so-called “conformity”. Consider, for example, the restaurant industry. In any metropolis, there are （加以个so更显示多）many restaurants to choose from and how to intensify their own individuality has become the key part of （感觉加上profit比较好，应该是利润的升高）promotion. Understandably, without individuality, it is rather difficult to be more attractive to consumers than other competitors.

In additional, with the（the 去掉） respect to the entertainment industry, comparing to simply conformity, the advantages of individuality is more obvious. Take film industry for example. Several years ago, because of the refined clothes, special Chinese scenes, and unique eastern story line, Crouch（crouching，呵呵，Benni怎么能把名字搞错呢？） Tiger and Hiding（Hiden） Dragon, a successful product of Ang Lee, was popular in North America and eventually won the best foreign language film of Oscar. In my observation, after the big achievement of Ang Lee, many Chinese filmmakers who are committed to conformity have directed several similar style films（应该是films of similar style, 不然两个名词放一起是不行的）about ancient China but each of them did not（改为none of them，更简洁，也更符合英文表示法） attain success over Ang Lee’s who is the first person to display the Chinese ancient culture to western audiences.（这里的Ang lee's 是什么，是his success？那后面怎么能接who引导的定语从句呢？）

In sum, it is indisputable that conformity have some advantages over individuality in some aspects of personal economic success. Nevertheless, in many realms, such as restaurant and entertainment industry, individuality would undoubtedly better serve to maximize the profit. Not only because could individuality cater to nowadays consumers who are always interested in unique things（改为character） and with shift（shift是个动词，改为shifting） demands, but also could emphasis its advantages among innumerous competitors.

Benni果然病了。文章思路很好，我怎么看了你的觉得我理解题目有误，好像我又跑题了！
问题：
1 金融产品的例子不够突出，铺垫做得太多，实例不够。Plus：我统计了一下，一二段用了三次 when it comes to,建议找些类似短语替换。
2 第二段和第三段意思一样，除了涉及行业不同。关于restaurant 太短，
可以分开两段写，（1）conformity 如何造成负面影响，（2）individuality的正面影响。

以上个人见解，可探讨。

看了benni上次的修改，感触颇深，第一次改的这么认真。

[ 本帖最后由 jj7710 于 2006-6-17 19:36 编辑 ]

benniUID: 2166321

哇，成堆成堆的错误...竟然还把卧虎藏龙的名字写错了，李慕白死了也不瞑目啊...jj帮我在语言方面做的改动我觉得非常好，3x

1、那个恶心的hundreds-history 应该改成，hunderds-year history...
2、第三段的promotion(jj让我加profit的那一个)，promotion在那儿当促销讲，不是增长
3、 Ang Lee’s who ...那块儿是想说ang lee's film，因为从句的主语是其他导演的films，后面的定于从句确实有问题
4、我最后两个论证段是从同一角度出发举了两个方面的例子，北美范文上有很多这样的范文，应该没有太大问题的，想不出第二个原因的时候，俺都这么混，呵

[ 本帖最后由 benni 于 2006-6-18 12:05 编辑 ]

benniUID: 2166321

我是看完开头先小赞了一下,继续往下看,越看越停不下来了,简直是太好了!!看完之后又反复看了几遍,想,毕竟是帮别人改作文,你帮人家改人家才能帮你改啊,可是真的是实在挑不出错误!!太佩服了~~~楼主真厉害!!文章衔接紧密,小词用得很好~~我要是后期能有你这样的水平就足够了,如果告诉我这还得不了5分的话,恐怕我真的要延期了....
麻烦楼主帮我看看我的作文吧,以后要密切关注你的大作了!!太多值得我学习的地方了!!

把我夸的已经找不到北了...

这也是几经修改的成果，其实还有N多需要改进的地方，互相学习！