Argrument117【飞扬之夏】第三次作业

青天大老爷UID: 2211672

117The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

Time:  1 hrs  Words ; request below

The memo recommends that Valu-Mart stores should increase the stock of home-office machines and office-supply department because of being in the situation that a recent survey show that employees are more willing to take more work home with them from the workplace than in the past.To support this recommendation the author point out that more than 70 percent of surveyors are required to take more work home with them from the workplace.I find some unreasonable aspects in memo.
First,we can not confirm how old the respondents involved in this survey , and how classified about their gender, In either case , we also can not know in which occupation of them, whether or not these respondents took a irresponsibility filling with the survey due to the complaint to their own works. As for these factors, author does not care much or show any the statistics. So the survey ‘manifest is unwarranted.
In the other hand, as far as the survey is concerned, it is not sure that every employees who takes work home will use more home office tools. Maybe those works do not need any helps or unrelated to from copy machines, paper shredders or fax machines.only for reading. So this work-at-home trend does not meet more increasing the stock of home office machines in the markets .
Memo mentions that Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past. In my opinion ,there are many reasons probably that leading to impressive sales such as of ineffective Ads ,far-away localities and unqualified goods and so on. Therefore, employees who have long-office hours do not cause any the volume of on sale loss. Hence Valu-Mart should look for or analyze a really cause, the survey is unpersuative.
Another problems with this argument is that rising stock do not come out more profitable because customers get less notice of how abundant goods are in the stock, and they are likely to choose a well quality stability more than any goods. Increasing the stock at all Valu-Mart stores will occupy more recourse or capital,,disadvantageous for the development of this company.
The author’s further sifting that whether or not the requiring amount of home office machines could be rising. Which machines the prefer to be more used at home to decide the stock? what Ads is more attractive or suitable ?after that, the decision the author make is more gear to the market.

不太爽！！改作文的时候用蓝色标出来 谢谢指教

paul_zhang007UID: 2192981

我来批！

paul_zhang007UID: 2192981

117The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

Time:  1 hrs  Words ; request below

The memo recommends that Valu-Mart stores should increase the stock of home-office machines and office-supply department（什么叫做increase … department???） because of being in the situation that (删去) a recent survey show that（可以改为indicating） employees are more willing （逻辑错误。我的理解是，他们不是主动要把工作带回家的，而是被迫的。因为作者用的词汇是required）to take more work home with them from the workplace than in the past.To support this recommendation the author point (points)out that more than 70 percent of surveyors are required to take more work home with them from the workplace.I find some unreasonable aspects in (添加上this)memo.

First, we can not confirm how old the respondents involved in this survey(加上谓语东词are) , and how classified about their gender, In either case , we also can not know in which occupation of them(改为what their occupations are), whether or not these respondents took a irresponsibility(应该用其形容词的形式) filling with the survey due to the complaint to their own works. As for these factors, author does not care much or show any the（去掉） statistics. So the survey ‘manifest is unwarranted.

In the other hand, as far as the survey is concerned, it is not sure that every employees who takes work home will use more home office tools. Maybe those works do not need any helps or unrelated to from copy machines, paper shredders or fax machines.only for reading. So this work-at-home trend does not meet（应该是想表达mean的意思吧？） more increasing the stock of home office machines in the markets .

（缺少冠词）Memo mentions that Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past. In my opinion ,there are many reasons probably that leading to impressive sales such as of ineffective Ads ,far-away localities and unqualified goods and so on. Therefore, employees who have long-office hours do not cause any the volume of on sale loss. Hence Valu-Mart should look for or analyze a really cause, the survey is unpersuative.
Another problems（应该用单数） with this argument is that rising stock do not come out more profitable （应该用profits）because customers get less notice of how abundant goods are in the stock, and they are likely to choose a well (应该用good)quality stability more than any goods. Increasing the stock at all Valu-Mart stores will occupy more recourse or capital,,disadvantageous for the development of this company.
The author’s further sifting that whether or not the requiring amount of home office machines could be rising. Which machines the prefer to be more used at home to decide the stock? what Ads is more attractive or suitable ?after that, the decision the author make is more gear to the market.

不太爽！！


你的结尾呢？？？
强烈建议你把这个argument重写以下。你得语法错误太多了。真到了ETS考官手里，他们是会被irritated 的~~~

paul_zhang007UID: 2192981

你先改吧。你改完之后，我再给你批。还能批出不少错误的。 加油~~~

甲猫UID: 2145556

117The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."
并不意味着他们需要很多打印机
可能是其他的原因导致他们的办公室产品销售不好
没有任何迹象表明办公用品部门可以成为第一。因为以前可能是食品部门，

Time:  1 hrs  Words ; request below

The memo recommends that Valu-Mart stores should increase the stock of home-office machines and office-supply department because of being in the situation that a recent survey show that employees are more willing to take more work home with them from the workplace than in the past.To support this recommendation the author point out that more than 70 percent of surveyors are required to take more work home with them from the workplace.I find some unreasonable aspects in memo.
First,we can not confirm how old the respondents involved in this survey , and how classified about their gender, （这个有关系马？）In either case , we also can not know in which occupation of them, whether or not these respondents took a irresponsibility filling with the survey due to the complaint to their own works. As for these factors, author does not care much or show any the statistics. So the survey ‘manifest is unwarranted.（这些因素没有直接影响）
In the other hand, as far as the survey is concerned, it is not sure that every employees who takes work home will use more home office tools. Maybe those works do not need any helps or unrelated to from copy machines, paper shredders or fax machines.only for reading. So this work-at-home trend does not meet more increasing the stock of home office machines in the markets . （点对，但是阐述不清楚）
Memo mentions that Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past. In my opinion ,there are many reasons probably that leading to impressive sales such as of ineffective Ads ,far-away localities and unqualified goods and so on. Therefore, employees who have long-office hours do not cause any the volume of on sale loss. Hence Valu-Mart should look for or analyze a really cause, the survey is unpersuative.（可以列举可能的影响因素）
Another problems with this argument is that rising stock do not come out more profitable because customers get less notice of how abundant goods are in the stock, and they are likely to choose a well quality stability more than any goods. Increasing the stock at all Valu-Mart stores will occupy more recourse or capital,,disadvantageous for the development of this company.（这个点我没想到，好像不错）
The author’s further sifting that whether or not the requiring amount of home office machines could be rising. Which machines the prefer to be more used at home to decide the stock? what Ads is more attractive or suitable ?after that, the decision the author make is more gear to the market.

不太爽！！

（语法错误却是比较多，而且段落之间的逻辑顺序不明显，找的点有些问题

青天大老爷UID: 2211672

谢谢上面2位了，需要提高啊！！

QQSFUID: 183268

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