我的第一篇习作“竞争是利大于弊吗？”请大家多指教

exxonUID: 2275464

我的第一篇习作“竞争是利大于弊吗？”很烂，请大家多指教，猛砸！
Is the competition more benificial than detrimental to to our society,as the author hold? I concede that competition prompt the society to stride forward with a incredibly high rate of speed yet ,copetition may bring about the seriou problem of personal,friction of social groups which may not be offsetted in a short perild of time.
Adimettedly,our society wraped up by the seamless web of sofisticated technology and advanced science can be bogged down in the sea of self-satisfication,in other words,it is the competition that spur the inspiration of innovation and that enhance the quality of manufacture,besides,in in bussiness field,for example,positive competition between corporations provide the customer chances of choices,thus,due to the inclination or preference of client,some products of poor quality are exterminated in the market while the winner survive and thrive.accordingly,credibility for certain brands are builded up,that is to say,lasting purchasing and consuming ,to some extent,serve to allow the economy to control firmly the relationship between supply and demand hence protect the market against performing without order.
Aside from the forging provisos ,on the other hand, excessive competition can be attributable,at least partily,to the unjustice of gainning the resource and finance .Maybe the best cogent symbol of competition lacking restriction is the monopoly,an extreme mean of obtainning profits and breaking opponens down.To substantiate the assumption,one need only look no further than Standard Oil Trust,a cooporation controlling 90 percentage of refining bussiness around Amenrica in 1860s ,which allow these business leaders held so much power that they can took unfair advantage of others even demanded goods from suppliers at a rather low costs while charging high prices for the finished production.Undertandably,this sort of competition amount to counterproductive to our community.
also,polarization between poor and rich and following unstability of the society are another negative consequence of competition.For instance,at the bottom of enconomic ladders are poor laborer who had to worked for long hours for little pay,the age of 1930s before the World War II presents us what seems to be a flourishing prospect although.The unemplyment became an ever-present threaten, slum formation,an phenomenon of living crowed together for poor were much common than ever before,and igorance and poverty encouraged crime .Morover,not only did their progeny received little education,but also had to help support the whole family.As a result,the existence of poverty amid prosperity brought on a period of active social protest,which indeed violate the essence and motivation of the competition.
In sum,however,I concede that advancementof technology and economy are ,in a sense , based on the competition between opponents ,without controling the the competition regulary and effectively to a desireable extent ,it require a major act of will to hold that the competition are more benificial than detrimental to the whole society,thus I fundamentally disagree the speaker's conclusion.

exxonUID: 2275464

没人改吗？？？？？

exxonUID: 2275464

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=623350

wsjoyUID: 2305456

（以后可否用大号字，看得好辛苦～～～～～～～～）
偶尔看了下，标点很多错误，不知道是否打错～～～～～～～～～
用词用句都挺好的，但有些打错了
第四段你讲两极化，工作难找，好像都没说到竞争为什么会导致。