ARGUMENT147 求高人执教，小的快要临考，谢谢啦~~~~有拍必回~~`

annasweeUID：2294850

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 616        TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2007-3-27

According to the argument, the author predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video game are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To bolster his point, the author provides several evidences. At first glance, the argument appears to be somehow reasonable, but further reflection reveals that it suffers from at least several logic flaws.

First of all, such a survey about the most significant characteristics players cared most done by company can not establish that the games including those characteristics will be best-selling. The result was that players preferred games that provided life like graphics, which required the most up-to-date computers. Selling those kinds of game will profit the company. However, the author fails to consider the factor about the best-selling like the size of market, the price of product and so on. For example, those kinds of games with life like graphics are so well produced by the company that they will charge much more than the normal video games, so that few of the interested customers can afford them. As you can see, the potential markets may be quite big, but the present sales volumes are not as well as the author predicts.

Moreover, provided that such kinds of games will be best-selling, they need the best equipped computers. Then, have all those buyers had such kind of advanced computers? The author has not mentioned in the argument. If customers did not have such kind of computers, were they still willing to renew their computers in order to fitting such kinds of video games? All the important conditions author does not raise in the argument. How can he convince the readers that W video games will increase dramatically?

Secondly, the author emphasizes that the survey shows the tendency of the sales amount is going to be higher. However, survey like this is also arguable. Because by far analyzing, the conclusions of the survey did not match the aims of the company. Here we see the goal of the research is to know what are the elements related to the sales volume. The characteristics of games may be one of the related elements. However, whether with only this element influence the sales amount to increase is doubtful. Even if this element may influence to some extent, is it the decided one for the sales amount? How about the other elements related to the sales volume? May be all the other elements decline it such as the too high price, inconvenient way of playing, awful music inside, with their influence the total revenue may be decreased sharply, without to mention increasing the sales volume.

Further, it is dubious that whether company provided directed advertisements with the implementation of the game will bring effectiveness. The author still does not consider other correlation variable such as whether the he market be sure opened by doing this? If the components provided the same kinds of the video games earlier than they did or the rivals provided the same kind but less expensive ones. Would they still be confident enough to say what they have provided will profit them? As we all know, the increase of company’s sale volume is not only due to one kind of games. Maybe other kinds of video games decrease sharply while only this one increase. Under this conditions, will the W company’ video game still be increased dramatically?

In a word, the author’s prediction is unconvincing. So as to support the point of view better we need more information about the reliability about the survey similarly the reactions about the W company’ rivals. Under the comprehensive analyzing by with all these detailed information as well as statistics, then, the argument seems reasonable.  

iq28UID：2152875

According to the argument, the author predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video game are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To bolster his point, the author provides several evidences. (单独拉一句确实没必要.不过看你的字数,嗯,写了也无所谓的,后面body应该很充足的说.无关痛痒了) At first glance, the argument appears to be somehow reasonable, but further reflection reveals that it suffers from at least several logic flaws.

First of all, such a survey about the most significant characteristics players cared most done by company can not establish that the games including those characteristics will be best-selling. (非常清楚.我最喜欢的ts类型.能再短一点就更好了.我想的: First of all, the fact that those games include characters which are mostly favored by players does not mean that they will be best-selling.) The result was that players preferred games that provided life like graphics, which required the most up-to-date computers. (本段如果不要攻击这个点这句话就没有必要) Selling those kinds of game will profit the company. (这句话有点莫明其妙,在这里说这个干嘛?) However, the author fails to consider the factor about the best-selling like the size of market, the price of product and so on. (以本段的开头类型,(有了最被看重的特点不等于好卖)就下面的攻击最好首先从这个游戏的内部本质着手,直接上外部因素则不是这个攻击点的本质特征,只要是卖东西都可以攻击比如竞争,市场萧条之类的因素,不是很好.) For example, those kinds of games with life like graphics are so well produced by the company that they will charge much more than the normal video games, so that few of the interested customers can afford them. (这个点就可以放在攻击游戏本质还是不行之后让步来攻击) As you can see, the potential markets may be quite big, but the present sales volumes are not as well as the author predicts. (实例还是少了一点.觉得实例前面你说了好多没什么用的话)

Moreover, provided that such kinds of games will be best-selling, they need the best equipped computers. Then, have all those (potential) buyers had such kind of advanced computers? The author has not mentioned in the argument. If customers did not have such kind of computers, were they still willing to renew their computers in order to fitting such kinds of video games? All the important conditions author does not raise in the argument. How can he convince the readers that W video games will increase dramatically? (本身攻击不错,不过另开一段不太合理.比较推荐先来一个对于游戏是否真正吸引人的段落攻击,然后再攻击成本因素,先说游戏本身价格,再说配套硬件,可能更加合理)

Secondly, the author emphasizes that the survey shows the tendency of the sales amount is going to be higher. However, survey like this is also arguable. Because by far analyzing, the conclusions of the survey did not match the aims of the company. (没太看懂~看你下面说什么) Here we see the goal of the research is to know what are the elements related to the sales volume. The characteristics of games may be one of the related elements. However, whether with only this element influence the sales amount to increase is doubtful. (原来就是攻击内部因素,汗.觉得放在第一段的ts后面更加合理.这个段落的ts看得我有点晕.ps,whether后面的那句话倒是很清晰明了的说.个人觉得argu大量的实例就是要靠这种话来统领.嗯) Even if this element may influence to some extent, (这个让步觉得没什么必要,步子太小了) is it the decided one for the sales amount? How about the other elements related to the sales volume? May be all the other elements decline it such as the too high price, (前面说过很多次了~换了吧) inconvenient way of playing, awful music inside, (这个不是很典型的重要游戏特征~嘿嘿平时游戏玩少了吧~耐玩性,竞技性,剧情,等等等等) with their influence the total revenue may be decreased sharply, without to mention increasing the sales volume. (我觉得这个段落是最重要的,为什么不放在开始说?)

Further, it is dubious that whether company provided directed advertisements with the implementation of the game will bring effectiveness. (前面可以加一句besides the game itself,感觉可能可以把这个段落和前面的层次拉得更开一点) The author still does not consider other correlation variable such as whether the he market (???) be sure opened by doing this? (觉得你选择了攻击点之后首先都不喜欢攻击这个点的内在因素,比如第一个body.这里首先说广告本身的问题会比较好,比如面向的对象.然后再说竞争者.除非所举的反例和你要攻击的广告这个点有强烈的直接相关性,否则不要上来就举这些外部的因素) If the components provided the same kinds of the video games earlier than they did or the rivals provided the same kind but less expensive ones. Would they still be confident enough to say what they have provided will profit them? (下面分层了.前面还是针对那个游戏,下面开始讨论一个游戏和整个公司利润的关系了.没有结构指使词看上去会混乱的.) As we all know, the increase of company’s sale volume is not only due to one kind of games. Maybe (the sales of) other kinds of video games decrease sharply while only this one increase. Under this conditions, will the W company’ video game still be increased dramatically?

In a word, the author’s prediction is unconvincing. So as to support the point of view better we need more information about the reliability about the survey similarly the reactions about the W company’ rivals. Under the comprehensive analyzing by with all these detailed  information as well as statistics, then, the argument seems reasonable.  
第一个body开头有点兜圈子
后面好了很多
可能慢热吧呵呵
英语功底很好
句子流畅
这个是高分的好保证
继续加油 嗯

ryansandyUID：2315982

熬夜王子。。。

iq28UID：2152875

我很多天没有熬夜了...