argument232 求拍^_^

Amy_86UID：2327054

题目：ARGUMENT232 - The following appeared in a memo from the sales manager of Eco-Power, a company that manufactures tools and home appliances.

"Many popular radio and television commercials use memorable tunes and song lyrics to call attention to the products being advertised. Indeed, a recent study of high school students showed that 85 percent could easily recognize the tunes used to advertise leading soft drinks and fast-food restaurants. Despite our company's extensive advertising in magazines during the past year, sales of our home appliances declined. Therefore, to boost company profits, we should now switch to advertisements featuring a distinctive song."
字数：499          用时：0:30:00          日期：2007-4-12

This argument asserts that in order to boost the company revenue, they should adjust their advertising strategy by employing a distinctive song. To support this assertion, the author cites the practical successes of many other companies and then suggests that they should also follow suit. However, the arguments suffers several sever lapses.

To begin with, the evidence which is quoted sounds extremely unreasonable. Only in the field of leading soft drinks and fast -food restaurants, is there 85 percent of high school students could recognize the tunes being advertised. It is obvious that the scope of study is not wide enough and should not be confined in only two trades. Moreover, the respondents are mainly high school students which are the group that is inclined to the hobby of listening to pop music and catch the fashion. So the group being interviewed is not representative, therefore not convincing.

Secondly, the author does not provide any strong evidence to prove that there is a clear connection between the memorable tunes and the sales of a company. The author overlooks the underlying truth that the leading soft drinks (such as Pepsi) and fast-food restaurants (such as KFC) are already well-known, popular among people and have a strong financial power to produce expensive and eye catching commercials as well. Thus the ideal sales rate may probably not result from the commercials but the accumulated fame and reputation.

Thirdly, the author lacks credibility in the conclusion to advocate a distinctive song which he assumes would boost the company profits. This assumption is not well supported by giving a manifest link between the distinctive song and the favorable results of high profits. It is very likely that this strategy will turn out to be counterproductive. As the case may be, if the company produce shoddy goods or just get started without any good relations with its clients, no matter how much money you invest in the advertising, the result would still be ugly.

Finally, from the statement of the company's extensive advertising in the past few years, it is naturally to make people have the thought that this company might have some intrinsic problem that leads to the decline of its sales instead of having anything to do with the advertising skills. If the company has some problems inherently, then it should not turn to the advertisement for help. But strive to develop itself.

To sum up, the author's assumption is not well grounded and reasoned. The lapses which have been discussed above can prove that the author needs to furnish more tenable evidence which would serve to better fortify its conclusion. For instance, the author should prove that their target customers are also youngsters and the pop song and commercials would really work to attract them thus produce high profits. Furthermore, the author should reexamine the company and its products to make sure that they are not the reason which causes the decrease of company revenues. Only by doing so, can i be fully convinced.

[ 本帖最后由 Amy_86 于 2007-4-13 19:55 编辑 ]

iq28UID：2152875

This argument asserts that in order to boost the company revenue, they should adjust their advertising strategy by employing a distinctive song. To support this assertion, the author cites the practical successes of many other companies and then suggests that they should also follow suit. However, the arguments suffers several sever lapses.

To begin with, the evidence which is quoted sounds extremely unreasonable. (不明晰.想说什么?看看iloveissue写得ts怎么写的那篇文章) Only in the field of leading soft drinks and fast -food restaurants, is there 85 percent of high school students could recognize the tunes being advertised. (语病,而且语意前后不连贯,都不知道这句话你想说什么 sigh) It is obvious that the scope of study is not wide enough and should not be confined in only two trades. (无细节) Moreover, the respondents are mainly high school students which are the group that is inclined to the hobby of listening to pop music and catch the fashion. So the group being interviewed is not representative, therefore not convincing. (后面一个层次倒是好多了,最起码读起来很通顺)

Secondly, the author does not provide any strong evidence to prove that there is a clear connection between the memorable tunes and the sales of a company. (段间结构混乱,这个body和上个body放在一起说明显比较好,这个问题也应当隶属于survey的问题) The author overlooks the underlying truth that the leading soft drinks (such as Pepsi) and fast-food restaurants (such as KFC) are already well-known, popular among people and have a strong financial power to produce expensive and eye catching commercials as well. Thus the ideal sales rate may probably not result from the commercials but the accumulated fame and reputation. (本段攻击未提及到音乐,欠妥)

Thirdly, the author lacks credibility in the conclusion to advocate a distinctive song which he assumes would boost the company profits. This assumption is not well supported by giving a manifest link between the distinctive song and the favorable results of high profits. (空话) It is very likely that this strategy will turn out to be counterproductive. (还是空话) As the case may be, if the company produce shoddy goods or just get started without any good relations with its clients, (...都有点不知道怎么说了,有时候一些细节的语气和结构词汇用法不同读起来感觉就差了非常多.) no matter how much money you invest in the advertising, the result would still be ugly.

Finally, from the statement of the company's extensive advertising in the past few years, it is naturally to make people have the thought that this company might have some intrinsic problem that leads to the decline of its sales instead of having anything to do with the advertising skills. If the company has some problems inherently, then it should not turn to the advertisement for help. But strive to develop itself. (...本段更适合作为它因的一个合并到上一个段落)

To sum up, the author's assumption is not well grounded and reasoned. The lapses which have been discussed above can prove that the author needs to furnish more tenable evidence which would serve to better fortify its conclusion. For instance, the author should prove that their target customers are also youngsters and the pop song and commercials would really work to attract them thus produce high profits. Furthermore, the author should reexamine the company and its products to make sure that they are not the reason which causes the decrease of company revenues. Only by doing so, can i be fully convinced.
(结尾写得还不错,虽然觉得时间如果很多更应该弄body)

5分应该没有
不过改改希望还是挺大的
加油