issue5【AWER小组】我的处女作大家多指导！！

coolfirewaterUID: 2284809

TOPIC: ISSUE5 - "A nation should require all its students to study the same
national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in
different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to
offer."


In advanced and technological societies, there is a controversial issue
about whether require all its students to study the same national
curriculum rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to
determine which academic courses to offer. My point is we should require
that they should study the same.

First of all, the same national curriculum can ensure that all the students'
educations are really equity. To illustrate this, an appropriate example
that is very persuasive is in China, the nation unify all the books what
the students must study. That's highly convenient because the examination
need to have more fair and square. if all the students have the same
national curriculum and they face the same examination the educations are
equity for everyone. So, as far as I am concerned, the same national
curriculum is an advisable action.

Furthermore, the same books what all the students use are compiled by the
top well authors and they can upgrade all the students' knowledge
obviously. A suitable instance would provide such details: In China, the
books all the students use are compiled by the specialists who have the
most authorities of China. So the students can learn the authentic lessons
and handle them well. For my part, I would insist on we should study the
same national curriculum.

Finally, as a proverb says, “Everything has two sides”. Although I admit
that there are a few advantages in using the same national curriculum’s
I still believe that the disadvantages with it are profound. Such as some
area of the nation has its own customs, if we impose the same conception on
them that would hurt the sentiment of the nation. These demonstrate that we
don't have enough evidence to suggest that the same national curriculum is
always better than allow schools in different parts of the nation to
determine which academic courses to offer.

If all the factors above are considered, we will find out that the
merits of the same national curriculum outweigh those of the different
curriculum. In conclusion, we may safely draw the conclusion that the same
national curriculum is a wiser decision.

[ 本帖最后由 coolfirewater 于 2007-12-26 13:14 编辑 ]

陈星君UID: 2416582

Issue5 "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."

In advanced and technological societies, there is a controversial issue about whether[谁require...rather than allow ...?应该加个主语吧,呵呵,纯个人观点] require all its students to study the same national curriculum rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer. My point is [that] we should require that they should study the same [national curriculum同样的什么,这里应该交代清楚.你说呢].

First of all, the same national curriculum can ensure that all the students'educations are really equity. To illustrate this, an appropriate example that is very persuasive is in China, the nation unify[是否用单数] all the books what the students must study. That's highly convenient because the examination need to have more fair and square[convenient与fair and square构成因果关系吗].if all the students have the same national curriculum and they face the same examination[,then] the educations are equity for everyone. So, as far as I am concerned, the same national curriculum is an advisable action.[但是,我老觉得same national curriculum---educations'equity这一论点没被证实.我们in China认为这个显然成立.1.convenient能说明这一论点吗;2.if...能说明吗?纯个人观点,请帮忙分析分析]

Furthermore, the same books what all the students use are compiled by the top well authors and they can upgrade all the students' knowledge obviously. A suitable instance would provide such details: In China, the books all the students use are compiled by the specialists who have the most authorities[这里应该是具有专业知识的authorities而不是authorities的specialists,你看呢] of China. So the students can learn the authentic lessons and handle them[them指谁] well.For my part,I would insist on we should study the same national curriculum.[the same books---compiled by(authorities)specialists能insist on--national curriculum吗?其它国家是这样吗?各个地方也有自己的(authorities)specialists,但很少有 专业的authorities.所以,我觉得这个自然段的论点不成立.嘻嘻,纯个人观点]

Finally, as a proverb says,“Everything has two sides”.Although I admit that there are a few advantages in using the same national curriculum’s [,]I still believe that the disadvantages with it are profound. Such as some area of the nation has its own customs, if we impose the same conception on them[指代谁?前面有its又指代谁] that would hurt the sentiment of the nation[nation?还是其中的area].These demonstrate that we don't have enough evidence to suggest that the same national curriculum is always better than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer.

If all the factors above are considered, we will find out that the merits of the same national curriculum outweigh those of the different curriculum. In conclusion, we may safely draw the conclusion that the same national curriculum is a wiser decision.

上面表达的是我个人观点,仅供参考.本文观点鲜明,首尾两段遥相呼应;如果再来几个贴切的例子,就是一篇精彩的文章了.向你学习,希望我们多多交流,共同提高.
:handshake

hardawayUID: 195666

In advanced and technological societies, there is a controversial issue
about whether require all its students to study the same national
curriculum rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to
determine which academic courses to offer.[觉得最好改写一下，尽量不照抄原文]
My point is we should require
that they should [意思没问题，就是读起来有点别扭，呵呵]study the same.[感觉交代的不是很清楚]

First of all, the same national curriculum can ensure that all the students'
educations are really equity. To illustrate this, an appropriate example
that is very persuasive is in China,[in前面差个，in china作插入语]the nation unify[unifies]the
books what the students must study.
That's highly convenient[这个词感觉用的不是很严谨] because the
examination need to have [be] more fair and square.
if [If]all the students have the same
national curriculum and they face the same examination [，连接词] the educations are
equity for everyone. So, as far as I am concerned,[可以去掉，觉客气得有点没自信，呵呵] the
same national curriculum is an advisable action.[可以加一句扩展，最好再举个例子]

Furthermore, the same books what all the students use are compiled by the
top well [觉得well用的有点问题] authors and they can upgrade all the students' knowledge
obviously. A suitable instance would provide such details: In China, the
books all the students use are compiled by the specialists who have the
most authorities of China. So the students can learn the authentic lessons
and handle them well.[例子宽泛了一点，可以再具体一点] For my part, I would insist on we should study the same national curriculum.

Finally, as a proverb says, “Everything has two sides”. Although I admit
that there are a few advantages in using the same national curriculum’s
I still believe that the disadvantages with it are profound[与disadvantages搭配不当].
Such as some area[复数] of the nation has its own customs, if we impose the same conception
on them that would hurt the sentiment of the nation. These demonstrate[要用名词形式] that
we don't have enough evidence to suggest that the same national curriculum is
always better than allow [allowing] schools in different parts of the nation to
determine which academic courses to offer.[就一句在说理，其他都在复述，论证的力度差一点]

If all the factors above are considered, we will find out that the
merits of the same national curriculum outweigh those of the different
curriculum. In conclusion, we may safely draw the conclusion that the same
national curriculum is a wiser decision.[结尾感觉不错，简洁有力，呵呵]

整体感觉还不错，思路比较清晰，就是感觉例子和语言的变化不是很丰富，不过作为处女作已经很不错了，呵呵，加油啊