Argument185 【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】第5次作业

musicdwhUID: 2274248

  
They should,The owner of the sunnyside towers apartment suggest, control water flow throughout all the 20 floors will improve their benefit further. Thought at a glance it seems that reasonable, from others angle point its presentation lack the credible evidence.

As we see in the letter,  the actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not available, the owner assert that change will obviously make good result for their, however, from the change the other result may also happen, for example, the consumer, who doesn't be satisfied with the service,especially the water presentation, leave to other apartment, if this is true, the result may not influence the owner cost for the apartment  but also the profits from it.


Even if the owner could save part cost on the water, another problem will come into manager eyes, that is, low pressure may affect the higher floors consumers, who don't use the water, because the low pressure could take water to higher floors. No used water means no consumer staying in their apartment, and results the bad end that no profits, not increases the profits.

Finally, the owner don't take into account accompanying profits about water, the owner could ask the consumer pay according water used. It will could save water for waste and increase the further profits.

At last, from the presentation above, if the owner want to prove restrict water could create value, it needs to point some other evidence about water, consumer responding, and so on, and provide credible explains.

jenny11235UID: 2585428

They should,The owner of the sunnyside towers apartment suggest,（语法问题，这部分做同位语？不是这么个用法啊~同位语前面一般为名词，插入的同位语做补充说明）control water flow throughout all the 20 floors will improve their benefit further. （前面should,后面will两个动词啊~）（这句话是你的主张？还是陈述原题？如果是后者，起码加点什么in this letter， the owener believes that。。。）Thought at a glance（加逗号） it seems that reasonable（去that）, （一点转折词都没有？加however）from others angle point（other angle points） its presentation(presentations) lack the credible evidence.（evidences 肯定不是单数）

As we see in the letter, the actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not available, （句号）the owner assert (asserts)that change will obviously make good result for their(them), however, from the change the (去掉the)other result (results)may also happen, （表达有问题，可以说other elements may also influence the result）for example, the consumer, who doesn't (前面consumer最好复数，后面是are not satisfied)be satisfied with the service, especially the water presentation, （may）leave to other apartment（apartments）, if this is true, the result (modification)may not (only)influence the owner（owner’s） cost for the apartment  but also the profits (profit )from it（it指代的上文一点也没提示怎么能用it呢？）.这段竟然没句号！


Even if the owner could save part cost on the water, (去掉the)another problem will come into manager eyes, that is, low pressure may affect the higher floors consumers, who don't use the water, because the low pressure could take water to higher floors. (这句什么意思？字面意思是低水压影响住在高层的不用水的顾客，因为低水压能把水带到高层上。太不对了~~~~~~~不知道作者想说什么)No used water means no consumer staying in their apartment, and results the bad end that no profits, not increases the profits. 这段我想是作者语言问题，直接不知道想说什么~

Finally, the owner don't take into account accompanying profits about water, （take sth into account）the owner could ask the consumer pay according water used. It will could save water for waste and increase the further profits.（这段是建议咯）

At last, from the presentation (presentations)above, if the owner want (wants)to prove restrict water could create value, it (he or she)needs to point some other evidence (前面都some 了后面还单数？！)about water, consumer responding, and so on, and provide credible explains.（explainations）
先谈下初看一遍的印象，如果我打分估计也就2.5，太多语法问题了首先。像复数问题，主谓一致这些一定要注意，很容易犯错，给人一种很低级的感觉
其次，能感觉到作者的思路几个角度选择的还是好的，但漏掉了几个重要攻击点，可以多看看其他人的思路。但表达实在欠缺很多~
建议是，可以写点简单句保证意思没问题，然后每篇尝试两三个长句，多看看范文，可适当背点，模板句
加油~

[ 本帖最后由 jenny11235 于 2009-1-7 11:34 编辑 ]

cynthia219UID: 2465245

细节形的批注我就不做了,因为jenny已经做的足够好了.
不过我觉得整体思路不是很明晰.建议作者下次写之前先列一下提纲,
比如,第二段写了水流压力与客户满意度的关系,下一段又写了没有人住就没有耗水量.个人认为两个可以放在一个层次做深层分析.
而且,句式结构比较混乱,没有层次感,建议作者多背背成型的句子.

comb300UID: 2443633

这... 把我生意抢了~~ :o :o :(

楼上两位基本都点评到位了~
我就只再补充下吧

我熟了一下楼主的句子, 每段的句子数没有超过两句. 第二段的叙述了几个事情 但是间隔全部都是逗号.
要注意正确使用标点符号.

列提纲的时候想好每段要写些什么, 有什么论据, 该如何论述. 尽可能的扩充内容.
然后就是多看看范文例句什么的...
写作是长期积累的过程, 不可能一口吃个胖子~~  加油了!~ :)