【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】02.28号作业 by holding

holdingUID：2285054

Young people should try different job before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term

In the modern society, more and more concern focuses on personal successful which is a great representation of individual value. So everyone wants to get a success in his career. The first step of career success is choosing a job correctly. In this case, I think young people should try different job before their decision to find the career suitable.

On one hand, even though people make their decisions according to their interesting, it is possible that they do not know their interesting clearly, especially when they are young. As we all say, interesting is the best teacher in our life. Because of lack of experience, young people often can not find out what is their interesting actually. Take the computer crash in the past few years as an example. In the last decade of years, many people devote themselves into computer and software career as the rapid development of computer industry. But after this market is saturated, these people clam down and find out that this area is not their interesting at all. Someone could find their actually interesting after the first try, while others could have different try to find out their trendy of interesting.

On the other hand, young people will not figure out what the society need until they have a try in the real society. People's cognition of society is always behind the real need of society. The computer rush is a good example of this point. As the software development, computers become friendlier to use in our daily life. This is the exactly time that the market needs a large amount of young people, but few young people devoted themselves to this area. After they have different try of job and career, they will at least have the good sense of choice if they are not successful in their career. Therefore, before they decide which career they will do in long term they should try different job to clarify the need of society.

Finally, nowadays the society gives us lots of chances to choose the career which they are good at, and different job will help young people to collect experience which is important to success. When young people change a job, this does not mean they are wasting time in last job. Every job is a gift which could help people in the future career. Even if people change their job to a totally different area, they may learn how to deal with the relationship in a group and learn the team work spirit in last job, which is benefit to their future.

Therefore, the different tries of job before decision benefit both personally and socially, young people should try different jobs before they decide the job in long term.

滴滴雨儿UID：2392741

Young people shouldtry different job before they decide which job or career they will do in thelong term
In the modern society,more and more concern focuses on personal successful which is a greatrepresentation of individual value. So everyone wants to get a success in hiscareer. The first step of career success is choosing a job correctly. In thiscase, I think young people should try different job before their decision tofind the careersuitable（交换，suitablecareer）.其实你开头段分开来看都写的挺好，但是读到“Inthis case”的时候觉得跟前文没什么顺承关系呀。
On one hand, eventhough people make their decisions according to their interesting（用名词interests）, it is possible that they donot know their interesting clearly, especially when theyare young. As we all say, interesting is the best teacher in our
life（lives）. Because of lack of experience, youngpeople often can not find out what
is their interesting actually（what indeed their interests are）. Take the computer crash inthe past few years as an example. In the last decade of years, many peopledevote themselves into computer and software career as the rapid development ofcomputer industry. But after this market is saturated, these people clam downand find out that this area is not their interesting at all. Someone could findtheir actually interesting after the first try, while others could havedifferent try to find out their trendy（trendy？你想说什么词？） of interesting.我可以看懂你的意思，但是句子表达有点乱，interest一词又错写成interesting那么多遍，很影响分数噢。
On the other hand,young people will not figure out what the society need until they have a try in the real society（没见过这种表达）. People's cognition of society is alwaysbehind the real needof society（同上）. The computer rush is a goodexample of this point. As the software development, computers become friendlier（more friendly） to use in our daily life. Thisis the
exactly（high） time that the market needs a large amount of young people（workforce）, but few young people devotedthemselves to this area. After they have different try of job and career（删掉）, they will at least have the good senseof choice if they are not successful in their career.（这句没有看懂。。） Therefore, before they decide whichcareer they will do in long term they should try different job to clarify theneed of society.怎么说呢，感觉这段没有说清楚。如果是要表达年轻人找到社会需求的话，感觉例子不是很有说服力。其实建议可以换个例子，不必要两段都用computer industry。
Finally, nowadays thesociety gives us lots of chances to choose the career which
they（指代不清） are good at, and different job will helpyoung people to
collect（用gain） experience which is importantto success. When young people change（changing） a job,（去掉when，两句连起来，去掉this） this does not mean they arewasting time in （the previous）last job. Every job is a gift whichcould help people in the future career. Even if people change their jobs to a totally different area, they maylearn how to deal with the relationship in a group and learn the team workspirit in last job, which is benefit to their future.这一段后面写得很好。
Therefore, thedifferent tries of job before decision benefit both personally and socially,young people should try different jobs before they decide the job in long term.
先赞一个，你很能写，改之前就有400+字数了。不过细看以后发现你可能是语法基础比较弱，造的句子很生硬，建议练习下从句的写法。另外很多别的小语法错误比如错误的用词，时态，单复数。这些问题都不大，但是如果多了就会影响分数。

全部看完后你的思路很清楚，但是感觉由于表达的问题，导致例子不大有说服力。建议背点儿例子以及长句。我说话比较直，拍得凶狠不好意思。一起加油！

滴滴雨儿UID：2392741

昏。。寄托上的字体颜色怎么总是调不好。。我发你邮箱算了。。

zzclynnUID：2608090

发错了~~~

zzclynnUID：2608090

Young people should try different job(s) before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term

In the modern society, more and more concern focuses on personal success(ful) which is a great representation of individual value. So everyone wants to get a success in his career. The first step of career success is choosing a job correctly. In this case, I think young people should try different jobs before their decision to find the suitable career .

On one hand, even though people make their decisions according to their interests, it is possible that they do not know their interests clearly, especially when they are young. As we all say, interest ing删is the best teacher in our life. Because of lack of experience, young people often can not find out what are their interests actually. Take the computer crash in the past few years as an example. In the last decades of years, many people devote themselves into computer and software career as the rapid development of computer industry. But after this market is saturated, these people clam down and find out that this area is not their interests at all. Someone could find their actually interests after the first try, while others could have different tries to find out their trendy of interesting.

On the other hand, young people will not figure out what the society need until they have a try in the real society. People's cognition of society is always behind the real need of society. The computer rush is a good example of this point. As the software development, computers become more friendly to use in our daily life. This is the exact ly删 time that the market needs a large amount of young people, but few young people devoted themselves to this area. After they have different tries of job and career, they will at least have the good sense of choice if they are not successful in their career. Therefore, before they decide which career they will do in long term they should try different job to clarify the need of society.

Finally, nowadays the society gives us lots of chances to choose the career which they are good at, and different jobs will help young people to collect experience which is important to success. When young people change a job, this does not mean they are wasting time in last job. Every job is a gift which could help people in the future career. Even if people change their job to a totally different area, they may learn how to deal with the relationship in a group and learn the team work spirit in last job, which is benefitful to their future.

Therefore, the different tries of job before decision benefit both personally and socially, young people should try different jobs before they decide the job in long term.

注意词语多样性