B12 My作文 Argument173

DavidleezbUID: 2595815

TOPIC: ARGUMENT173 - The following is a memorandum issued by the publisher of a newsmagazine, Newsbeat, in the country of Dinn.

"Our poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on their front covers. Over the same period, competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news. Moreover, the cost of maintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing. Therefore, we should decrease our emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying such stories on our magazine covers."
WORDS: 421
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2009-6-2 19:21:29

In this argument, the author asserts that when the front covers was featured with the international news, we would suffer the poorest selling issue over past 3 years, at the same time, our rivals decreased the number of such news appeared on the front cover, so we should take the same action to guarantee the circulation. At first glance, it seems some what appealing, while, thorough examination reveals how problematic it is.

To begin with, there is no cause and effect relationship between whether the international news on the cover and the poor sales. The author ignores many other factors which will affect the selling condition more directly than what kind of news featured on the front cover. It likely that due to the magazine's content or composition, news comment and etc. were so platitude that can not evoke readers' intensive attention at all. Such factor will also lead to the circulation decrease. Unless the author inform us whether the influence of other factors will bring about such result, or the argument is groundless.

Secondly, the author fails to indicate us other magazines selling condition by reducing the international news. If we don't know other magazines experienced an increase or a decrease in sales on earth, it's so presumptuous to imitate what others doing so. Nevertheless, decrease the international news on front cover does not mean that other magazines neglect the substantial value of the international news of a newsmagazine. It's possible that other magazine made a special volume to report international news in order to make the best of the limited layout or emphasis their great attention on international news. Take these cases into consideration, the author should give us more details such as other magazines' circulation, otherwise the argument is unwarranted.

Last but not the least, the author overlook the potential possibility that Newsbeat might attract many new readers. The fact that the competing newsmagazines have decreased their emphasis on international news might give the Newsbeat the advantage of being the only magazine covering the international news. In that case, those who care about the international news most will have no choice but to buy Newsbeat. The author must make a wider and deeper survey about Newsbeat's market share actually and then draw the conclusion.


To sum up, the facts cited in the argument is too weak to lend a strong support what the arguer claims. To strengthen the argument, the author should convince us what factors cause the circulation decrease indeed and supply more precise information about it.

gig927UID: 2556746

In this argument, the author asserts that when the front covers was featured with the international news, we would suffer （suffered）the （situation of）poorest-selling issue over past 3 years, （一句话完了之后要打句号 . 然后再And at the same time）at the same time, our rivals decreased the number of such news appeared on the front cover, so we should take the(删掉) same action to guarantee the circulation. At first glance, it seems some what （somewhat） appealing, while, thorough examination reveals how problematic it is. （这句话存在语法错误，while后面主语在哪里？）

To begin with, there is no cause and effect relationship between whether the international news on （删除，太冗长了）the cover and the poor sales. The author ignores many other factors which will affect the selling condition more directly than what kind of news featured on the front cover. It （is）likely that due to （删去）the magazine's content or composition, news comment and etc. were so platitude that can not （hardly）evoke readers' intensive attention at all. Such factor will also lead to the circulation decrease. （这句话感觉没多大必要，前面已经说明了两个原因，这句话完全是画蛇添足）Unless the author inform us whether the influence of other factors will bring about such result, or(删除) the argument is groundless.

Secondly, the author fails to indicate us （what is）other magazines selling condition by reducing the international news. If we don't know other magazines experienced an increase or a decrease in sales on earth, it's so presumptuous to imitate what others doing so（others）. Nevertheless, decrease （decreasing）the international news on front cover does not mean that other magazines neglect the substantial value of the international news of a news magazine. It's possible that other magazine made a special volume to report international news in order to make the best of the limited layout or emphasis （这个词是名词，改成focus）their great attention on international news. Take（Taking） these cases into consideration, the author should give us more details such as other magazines' circulation, otherwise the argument is unwarranted.

Last but not the least, the author overlook the potential possibility that Newsbeat might attract many new readers. The fact that the competing newsmagazines have decreased their emphasis on international news might give the Newsbeat the advantage of being the only magazine covering the international news. In that case, those who care about the international news most will have no choice but to buy Newsbeat. The author must make a wider and deeper survey about Newsbeat's market share actually and then draw the conclusion.


To sum up, the facts cited in the argument is too weak to lend a strong support （on）what the arguer claims. To strengthen the argument, the author should convince us what factors cause the circulation decrease indeed and supply more precise information about it.


每段结构比较好总分总，前面二三段模板形式太严重，内容太少，第四段内容就多了（希望继续发扬），要提出的是，作者忽略了一个比较大的错误，“Moreover, the cost of maintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing.”这是这篇文章该写的大错之一。建议再好好回读ddcmj斑竹的帖子！
值得表扬的是现在就能在三十分钟限时写出这样的作品是很不错的了~
需要改善的就是文章中出现的多处语法错误

红色为个人认为不恰当的地方
紫色为更正修改的内容
蓝色为语法错误
灰色是认为精彩的部分

Neptune2010UID: 2626044

In this argument, the author asserts that when the front covers was featured with the international news, we (Newsbeat) would suffer the poorest selling issue over past 3 years, at the same time, our rivals decreased the number of such news appeared on the front cover, so we should take the same action to guarantee the circulation. At first glance, it seems some what appealing, while, thorough examination reveals how problematic it is.

To begin with, there is no cause and effect relationship between whether the international news on the cover and the poor sales. The author ignores many other factors which will affect the selling condition more directly than what kind of news featured on the front cover. It is likely that due to the magazine's content or composition, news comment and etc. (这里were前面缺主语) were so platitude that it can not evoke readers' intensive attention at all. Such factor will also lead to the circulation decrease. Unless the author inform us whether the influence of other factors will bring about such result, or the argument is groundless.
（作者所说的poorest sale是仅仅指那些包含国际新闻的期刊，如果按照你的提出的 “It is likely that due to the magazine's content or composition, news comment and etc.were so platitude that it can not evoke readers' intensive attention at all” 分析的话，那么貌似Newsbeat的每个月的期刊都会销量很差，这和argument的实际是不符合）


Secondly, the author fails to indicate us other magazines selling condition after reducing the international news. If we don't know other magazines experienced an increase or a decrease in sales on earth, it's so presumptuous to imitate what others doing. Nevertheless, decrease the international news on front cover does not mean that other magazines neglect the substantial value of the international news of a newsmagazine. It's possible that other magazine made a special volume to report international news in order to make the best of the limited layout or emphasis their great attention on international news. (这里例子举得相当好) Take these cases into consideration, the author should give us more details such as other magazines' circulation, otherwise the argument is unwarranted.

Last but not the least, the author overlook the potential possibility that Newsbeat might attract many new readers. The fact that the competing newsmagazines have decreased their emphasis on international news might give the Newsbeat the advantage of being the only magazine covering the international news.（这一句有雷同的嫌疑哦、、建议paraphrase一下） In that case, those who care about the international news most will have no choice but to buy Newsbeat. The author must make a wider and deeper survey about Newsbeat's market share actually and then draw the conclusion.


To sum up, the facts cited in the argument is too weak to lend a strong support what the arguer claims. To strengthen the argument, the author should convince us what factors cause the circulation decrease indeed and supply more precise information about it.

有些语法问题我直接修改了，请见谅~
在第二段分析cause and effect relationship的时候，作者的论证有些牵强，因为没有抓住实质的可能原因。其他地方都还不错~ 继续加油吧

lucarlUID: 2616426

注：文中橙色加粗字体的词，都是我觉得你查字典得来的，最好脱离字典写作。遇到不会的表达多想想办法，多换换句式，说不定就表达出来了。
注2：突然发现你没有提到argument中很重要的一个信息，海外部的问题。

In this argument, the author asserts that when the front covers was featured with the international news, we would suffer the poorest selling issue over past 3 years, at the same time, our rivals
decreased the number of such news appeared on the front cover, so we should take the same action to guarantee the circulation. At first glance, it seems some what appealing, while, thorough examination reveals how problematic
it is.

To begin with, there is no cause and effect relationship between whether the international news on the cover and the poor sales.这一句太过chinglish The author ignores many other factors which will affect the selling condition more directly than what kind of news featured on the front cover. ——It likely that due to the magazine's content or composition, news comment and etc. were so platitude that can not evoke readers' intensive attention (这里直接用interests就好) at all. ——Such factor will also lead to the circulation decrease. Unless the author inform us whether the influence of other factors will bring about such result, or the argument is groundless.提前并删去or


这一段说还有其他原因影响销量。破折线之内是你举得具体因素，是不是太少了？只说道content, composition, news comment，而且这些在一定程度上，可以说是重复的。另外，前后都是大道理，而且重复。

Secondly, the author fails to indicate us other magazines selling condition by reducing the international news. If we don't know other magazines experienced an increase or a decrease in sales on earth, it's so presumptuous to imitate what others doing so. (这么表达不好，可以用copy what others do) Nevertheless, decrease the international news on front cover does not mean that other magazines neglect the substantial value of the international news of a newsmagazine. It's possible that other magazine made a special volume to report international news in order to make the best of the limited layout or emphasis their great attention on international news.这个例子，按常理，封面上登出的都是本期杂志中比较有特色的地方，如果是给国际新闻一个专栏的话，应该一定在封面上有体现。所以你说将国际新闻从封面上拿下来去专门开专栏这一点，说不通。 Take these cases into consideration, the author should give us more details such as other magazines' circulation, otherwise the argument is unwarranted.


这一段说作者没有提供该杂志竞争对手的销量信息。假设你文中举的例子如我所说不合理的话，那么删去以后这一段就只剩下前后的说理，也就是只剩下大道理了，不能服人。所以选例子一定要合理。

Last but not the least, the author overlook the potential possibility that Newsbeat might attract many new readers. The fact that the competing newsmagazines have decreased their emphasis on international news might give the Newsbeat the advantage of being the only magazine covering the international news. In that case, those who care about the international news most will have no choice but to buy Newsbeat. The author must make a wider and deeper survey about Newsbeat's market share actually and then draw the conclusion.


这一段你说竞争对手推出国际新闻的竞争，使得关心国际新闻的读者被该杂志独占的可能性。呃，我觉得这一段就可以出一道argument题了哈~好，开个玩笑，缓和一下气氛，前面的口气太恶劣了。这个可能性我没有想到，partially同意吧。

To sum up, the facts cited in the argument is too weak to lend a strong support what the arguer claims. To strengthen the argument, the author should convince us what factors cause the circulation decrease indeed and supply more precise information about it.