0910AW 同主题写作第五期 ARGUMENT65 by飘飘zly

飘飘zlyUID: 2200552

Argument65.The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."


From the memo, the president of a chain of cheese stores draws a conclusion that the best way to profits in all the shops is to concentrate primarily on domestic cheese, not the input ones. To substantiate the recommendation, the president point out the evidence that, in Wisconsin, the five best-selling cheeses are the domestic cheddar cheeses at the newest shop. In addition, citing the recent suspect survey by Cheeses of the World magazine, subscribers of the survey prefer the domestic cheeses increasingly. This argument suffers from several logical flaws, which render it unconvincing as it stands.

To begin with, the president fails to support the statement that the best-selling cheeses provided throughout the United States are the domestic ones. There is the unwarranted assumption that the newest store’s best selling of the domestic cheddar cheeses, in Wisconsin, is the type of the condition of the overall America. Without eliminating the possibility of other parts of America, such as New York, Washington, and so on, the domestic cheddar cheeses were not sold best in their stores, or, the tasty of the domestic cheddar cheese was not appreciated by their residents who might make preference to the input cheeses.

Admittedly, the domestic cheddar cheeses, indeed, are popular with all American, the evidence that the domestic cheeses were best-selling in the stores is scant in the argument. Because, the selling of cheddar cheeses, as the individual, does not effectively reflect the sell condition of the domestic ones all over the country. It is entirely possibility that other brands of domestic cheeses were not bought by the people in the United Stated cities, especially in Wisconsin.

As for the recent survey by Cheeses of the World, the magazine subscribers, the respondents of this survey, are not statistically significant in number and not representative of overall the American. This leads to fail to lend sound support that the people throughout the United States prefer the domestic cheeses increasingly. Moreover, assumed that it is the effective sample of this survey, the result indicating preference for domestic cheeses is not tantamount to that buying the domestic cheeses in the stores.

In sum, the president’s recommendation for only stocking the domestic cheeses to improve profits is unpersuasive, at least based on the memo. To make the argument convincing, the president would have to provide more marketing information about the domestic cheeses throughout the United States including most brand domestic cheeses selling in the nationwide store, in order that the domestic cheeses were best-selling and a chain of cheese stores could make a profit.

lucarlUID: 2616426

From the memo, the president of a chain of cheese stores draws a conclusion that the best way to profits in all the shops is to concentrate primarily on domestic cheese, not the input ones. To substantiate the recommendation, the president point out the evidence that, in Wisconsin, the five best-selling cheeses are the domestic cheddar cheeses at the newest shop.我觉得这个是我们主要要攻击的地方之一，所以建议提前，和in Wisconsin放在一起 In addition, citing the recent suspect survey by Cheeses of the World magazine, subscribers of the survey prefer the domestic cheeses increasingly. This argument suffers from several logical flaws, which render it unconvincing as it stands.

To begin with, the president fails to support the statement that the best-selling cheeses provided throughout the United States are the domestic ones. There is the(It’s an更简单) unwarranted assumption that the newest store’s best selling of the domestic cheddar cheeses, in Wisconsin, is the type of the condition of the overall America.(这句完全是根据中文思维出来的句子。可以写“新店卖得好的国产干酪不一定能取悦于其他州的老美”，p.s.红宝有几个逢迎拍马的词，才背过，一个也想不起来了。。。能用来表达“取悦”) Without eliminating the possibility of other parts of America, such as New York, Washington, and so on, the domestic cheddar cheeses were not sold best in their stores, or,（这里用or不如用because，因为后面这句就是前面的一个原因，不适合作为并列关系存在）
the tasty of the domestic cheddar cheese was not appreciated by their residents who might make preference to the input cheeses.

Admittedly（这个字貌似用的不太恰当？）, the domestic cheddar cheeses, indeed, are popular with all Americans, the evidence that the domestic cheeses were best-selling in the stores is scant in the argument. Because, the selling of cheddar cheeses, as the individual, does not effectively reflect the sell condition of the domestic ones all over the country. It is entirely possibility that other brands of domestic cheeses (other brands的话，很可能就不是这个连锁店的cheeses了~比如可口可乐和百事可乐就是两个不同的brands) were not bought by the people in the United Stated cities, especially in Wisconsin.为什么要强调Wisconsin？如果是想说“可能美国人根本不买其他种类的国产奶酪，甚至Wisconsin人也不买”的话，怎么不用even呢？这里用especially给我的感觉就是Wisconsin不是美国人，不是地球人，是火星人，所以才给他们前面加especially。

这一段我想说说，我知道你的意思是想表达cheddar cheeses只是所有domestic cheeses的一种。（突然想：其实imported cheeses 也可以有cheddar呀~不知道可不可以作为一个攻击点）

你先说这一种奶酪不代表全国范围国产奶酪的销售情况，然后说可能其他国产奶酪根本无人问津。然后就结束了。但是为什么可能？提供若干你如此推断的依据很必要~即使所有人都知道可能是因为口味啊，价格啊什么的，但是也要说啊，不然我们还写argument做什么，都让读者去猜了~

As for the recent survey by Cheeses of the World, the magazine subscribers, the respondents（我死活就是没想起来用这个字，赞） of this survey, are not statistically significant in number and not representative of overall the American. This leads to fail to lend sound support（一定要这样表达吗？很不好看，fail和lend貌似也不对） that the people throughout the United States prefer the domestic cheeses increasingly. Moreover, assumed that it is the effective sample of this survey, the result indicating preference for domestic cheeses is not tantamount to that buying the domestic cheeses in the stores.

我还是和前面一段一样的观点，再展开展开，给出你这样推断的证据。

In sum, the president’s recommendation（我通篇下来都是suggest，而你是recommend 中和一下~ ） for only stocking the domestic cheeses to improve profits is unpersuasive, at least based on the memo. To make the argument convincing, the president would have to provide more marketing information about the domestic cheeses throughout the United States including most brand domestic cheeses selling in the nationwide store, in order that the domestic cheeses were best-selling and a chain of cheese stores could make a profit.



最后又想到：Best selling 但是没说most profit，
所以这个best selling可能是这五种cheddar cheeses在打折优惠造成的，因为新店开张一般是有些促销活动的。希望能有点启发


红色是批评，蓝色是表演，呃，还包括我临时想出来的关于攻击点的东西~

褐色，关于论证的建议

飘飘zlyUID: 2200552

2# lucarl
太感谢了 完全接受你的意见

snail8843UID: 2516929

1# 飘飘zly

From the memo, the president of a chain of cheese stores draws a conclusion that the best way to profits(名词？应该用动词啊) in all the shops is to concentrate primarily on domestic cheese, not the input ones. To substantiate the recommendation, the president point(s) out the evidence that, in Wisconsin, the five best-selling cheeses are the domestic cheddar cheeses at the newest shop. In addition, citing the recent suspect survey by Cheeses of the World magazine, subscribers of the survey prefer the domestic cheeses increasingly. This argument suffers from several logical flaws, which render it unconvincing as it stands.

To begin with, the president fails to support the statement that the best-selling cheeses provided throughout the United States are the domestic ones. There is the unwarranted assumption that the newest store’s best selling of the domestic cheddar cheeses, in Wisconsin, is the type of the condition of the（the要么？） overall(throughout好些) America. Without eliminating the possibility of other parts of America, such as New York, Washington, and so on, the domestic cheddar cheeses were not sold best in their stores, or, the tasty of the domestic cheddar cheese was not appreciated by their residents who might make preference to the input(imported) cheeses.
（这在说些什么呢）
Admittedly, the domestic cheddar cheeses, indeed, are popular with all American, the evidence that the domestic cheeses were best-selling in the stores is scant in the argument. Because, the selling of cheddar cheeses, as the individual, does not effectively reflect the sell condition of the domestic ones all over the country. It is entirely possibility that other brands of domestic cheeses were not bought by the people in the United Stated cities, especially in Wisconsin.(我觉得这个错误不大好，应为攻击这样的错误对作者的结论没有什么影响，因为只要cheddar cheeses能给公司带来利润就可以了，公司并没有说要卖其他品牌的产品，这倒是你自己的假设了。)

As for the recent survey by Cheeses of the World, the magazine subscribers, the respondents of this survey, are not statistically significant in number and not representative of overall the American. This leads to fail to lend sound support that the people throughout the United States prefer the domestic cheeses increasingly (为什么呢？可以简单论证一句). Moreover, assumed that it is the effective sample of this survey, the result indicating preference for domestic cheeses is not tantamount to that buying the domestic cheeses in the stores. (moreover论述了内容偏离了本段TS)

In sum, the president’s recommendation for only stocking the domestic cheeses to improve profits is unpersuasive, at least based on the memo. To make the argument convincing, the president would have to(用must) provide more marketing information about the domestic cheeses throughout the United States including most brand domestic cheeses selling in the nationwide store, in order that (in order that?)the domestic cheeses were best-selling and a chain of cheese stores could make a profit.

总结：作者有强烈的让步思想，但让步要基于递进关系，我感觉你的第一个错误和第二个错误之间递进关系不大明确。

飘飘zlyUID: 2200552

Argument65(改).
The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.
"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."


From the memo, the president of a chain of cheese stores draws a conclusion that the best way to profits in all the shops is to concentrate primarily on domestic cheese, not the imported ones. To substantiate the recommendation, the president points out the evidence that, at the newest shop, the five best-selling cheeses are the domestic cheddar cheeses made in Wisconsin. In addition, citing the recent suspect survey by Cheeses of the World magazine, subscribers of the survey prefer the domestic cheeses increasingly. This argument suffers from several logical flaws, which render it unconvincing as it stands.

To begin with, the president fails to support the statement that the best-selling cheeses provided throughout the United States are the domestic ones. There is the unwarranted assumption that the newest store’s best selling of the domestic cheddar cheeses, made in Wisconsin, is the type of the condition of overall American domestic cheeses. Perhaps, the tasty of these domestic cheeses, from other parts of nations as New York, Washington, and so on, were not appreciated by residents who even might make preferences to the imported cheeses. Perhaps, other domestic cheeses, except for the cheddar ones, cannot sell well in nationwide stores. Without marketing investigation of most domestic cheeses, he could not recommend the best sell performance of the domestic chesses in America. Let alone concentrate on domestic cheeses to profit.  

Even if the domestic cheddar cheeses made in Wisconsin, indeed, are popular with all American, the evidence that the newest stores of the domestic cheddar cheeses best-selling is scant in the argument. Maybe, the selling of cheddar cheeses, only one kind of domestic cheese, does not effectively reflect the sell condition of the domestic ones all over the country. It is entirely possibility that other brands of domestic cheeses were not provided, only these cheddar cheeses on sale resulting in best-selling, in this newest shop. Or, the best selling domestic cheeses in this newest shop maybe discount to attract customers for the opening. If it is the case, selling these domestic chesses might not make a profit for the store.

As for the recent survey by Cheeses of the World, it fails to support that the people throughout the United States prefer the domestic cheeses increasingly. The magazine subscribers, the respondents of this survey, are not statistically significant in number and not representative of overall the American. These subscribers might be most adolescents and the seniors who are not the main group of buying the chesses. Perhaps, subscribers merely prefer the domestic cheese referring in magazine. And the result indicating preference for domestic cheeses is not tantamount to that buying the domestic cheeses in the stores. In these events, president fails to provide apt evidence that subscribers should buy the domestic cheeses and the chain stores can be profitable.

In a sum, the president’s recommendation for only stocking the domestic cheeses to improve profits is unpersuasive, at least based on the memo. To strengthen the argument convincing, the president would have to provide more marketing information about all domestic cheeses throughout the United States, and the evidences that the domestic cheeses were best-selling and a chain of cheese stores could make a profit.