Issue16 [快刀杀鸡]7/14 作业by ajohnares

ajohnaresUID: 2661147

文不达意，多多包涵……


题目：ISSUE16 - "Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals."

提纲：
1 分析作者可能所持的观点及原因
2 反驳作者的观点——奢华和便利导致人类无法强大和独立
3 反之，奢华和便利可以使人类更强大和独立
4 奢华和便利其实是中性的，关键在于人如何利用

1 The probable reason why the speaker asserts that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.
2 What luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life have done to human beings does not necessarily mean they prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.
3 On the contrary, the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life actually assist people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.
4 The consequence is depended on whether people make use of them reasonably.

The speaker asserts that people are discouraged from developing into truly strong and independent individuals by the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, which are falsely regarded to be entirely harmless. In my observation, I oppose to the speaker's statement, which to some extent indicates a sense of anti-science and anti-technology.

The speaker may argue that with the rapid development of modern science and technology, machines, computers and myriad of innovative inventions have substituted most of our work, making us totally reliant on instruments rather than our own efforts. He/She might also bring up such an example that the conveniences of vehicles apparently contribute to the increasing rate of obesity and other related diseases, in order to prove that the development of people's strength and independence are seriously impeded.

Nevertheless, the speaker fails to recognize that the most significant discrepancy between human beings and other inferior animals is that we have potentials to utilize implements. We do not necessarily take exercise to build up strong enough body in order to run as fast as a puma, because we are so intelligent that we are able to develop various vehicles to carry us instead. In fact, the history has witnessed that we human beings are the strongest species living on the earth, with the aid of immense tools we have invented. On the other hand, there is no reason to blame our obtrusive reliance on the luxuries and conveniences. In ancient ages, we used to earn our livings counting on nature, such as local weather or our inborn physical status, while in the modern era we have overcome the restrictions of nature with the help of science and technology. In conclusion, it is absurd to justify superficially that the luxuries and conveniences actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.

On the contrary, in my opinion, the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life in some cases can assist us to become more strong and independent individuals. For instance, the gymnasium largely caters to people's demand for forming strong bodies. The conveniences of computers and Internet enable lots of people in certain careers to work at home, which consists of a group of so-called SOHO, bearing no limits on time or space. The advent of new telecommunication means like mobile phone and e-mail also allows people an independent way of living in the meantime with sufficient connection with relatives and friends. As a consequence, people can attain an access to developing into more strong and independent individuals via the luxuries and conveniences at their will, just as other benefits they have brought to us.

Finally, the luxuries and conveniences are more likely to be neutral, and the consequences depend on how people make use of them. As cited above, the abuse of luxuries and conveniences may lead to some unexpected results. Some people, especially teenagers, may be addicted to luxuries and lose their courage and energy to challenge for greater success, and the conveniences may foment indolence and languidness among people. In face of this problem, we should intentionally avoid being dominated by the luxuries and conveniences, aware of the fact that they should be used by us, but not reversely.

To sum up, provided that we learn to take advantage of the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, they will definitely help us develop into more strong and independent individuals. The determining factor is us, rather than the luxuries or conveniences.

wjin3UID: 2617582

The speaker asserts that people are discouraged from developing into truly strong and independent individuals by the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, which are falsely（我认为wrongly更好） regarded to be（这个很别扭，我觉得可以改成as） entirely harmless. In my observation, I oppose to the speaker's statement, which to some extent indicates a sense of
（ch-english不要这么用比较好）anti-science and anti-technology（反奢侈便利与反科学技术没有必然关系）.

The speaker may argue that（由妄自揣测的嫌疑，可以去掉，可以改成some people may argue） with the rapid development of modern science and technology, machines, computers（这三个之间是包含关系，最好不要直接并列在一起） and myriad of innovative inventions have substituted most of our work（这个地方有点别扭，我在一篇范文里看过一句话，用在这应该比较好：mechanize most our work）, making us totally reliant on instruments（这个词是指工具，还是要依赖人力，我觉得还是用mechine比较好） rather than our own efforts(使用机械代替人力工作也是要努力的，改为labor比较好). He/She might also bring up such an example（这个我上网给你查过，貌似从来没有人这么用过，应该大概可能是错的，bring up 翻译作提出时多用于提出问题） that the conveniences of vehicles apparently contribute to the increasing rate of obesity and other related diseases（这个地方转得有一点生硬，会让人觉得有点不合理，应该提一下vehicles减少了人的运动从而导致疾病）, in order to prove that the development of people's strength and independence are seriously impeded（这个词用得很好，但这个句子我觉得用主动语态比较好）.

看了这段，我觉得你的词汇量很大，但是使用的方法有点问题，给人的感觉有点别扭，建议多读范文，看例句。此处全段都在说别人会怎么认为，应该突出说明你自己的观点，比如你认为别人的观点不对，毕竟那才是主要的。（如果你把下面一段并上来说不定会好些）
Nevertheless, the speaker fails to recognize that the
most significant discrepancy between human beings and other inferior animals is that we have potentials to utilize implements.(我觉得这句话引起误会，不必说，动物也不会因为奢侈便利而不能强大独立而且利用工具也和这个没什么关系) We do not necessarily（needn’t to） take exercise to build up strong enough body（body strong enough） in order to run as fast as a puma, because we are so intelligent that we are able to（intelligent enough to） develop various vehicles to carry us（transport ourselves）
instead. In fact, the
history has witnessed that we human beings are the strongest（别扭，most powerful较好我觉得） species living on the earth（直接on earth比较好）, with the aid of immense（这个也没见过这么用的，powerful或者别的比较好吧，个人觉得，不太确定） tools we have invented. On the other hand, there is no reason to blame our obtrusive （强迫人的, 莽撞的, 冒失的，用在这不太恰当）reliance on the luxuries and conveniences. In ancient ages, we used to earn our livings counting on nature, such as local weather or our inborn physical status(这个词组是健康状况的意思), while in the modern era（in modern times） we have overcome the restrictions of nature with the help of science and technology. In conclusion, it is absurd to justify superficially（it’s absurd and superficial to judge，
justify是证明……正当的意思）
that the luxuries and conveniences actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.

这一段给人的感觉，所说的内容和最后的结论没什么太大关系，人们利用工具，科学技术生活，生活方式的改变，与生活奢侈方便对人是否强大独立的影响这个主题没有联系。




On the contrary, in my opinion,（这有一点别扭，说不清楚为什么） the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life in some cases can assist us to become more strong and independent individuals. For instance, the gymnasium largely caters to people's demand for forming（貌似没有这么用地） strong bodies. The conveniences of computers and Internet enable lots of people in certain careers to work at home, which consists of a group of so-called SOHO, bearing no limits on（in） time or space. The advent of new telecommunication means（？） like mobile phone and e-mail also allows people an independent way of living
in the meantime with（别扭，不知道对不对） sufficient connection with relatives and friends. As a consequence, people can attain an
access to
（别扭）developing into more strong and independent individuals via the luxuries and conveniences at their will（？）, just as other benefits they（有点指代不明）
have brought to us.

这一段感觉和尚一段一样，段中的内容不能支持结尾的观点。在家工作只是一个人呆着，不一定是独立离子和观点没有联系在一起，需要补充论述。不过段中的长句子写得很好。
Finally, the luxuries and conveniences are more likely to be neutral（切中要害）, and the consequences depend on how people make use of them. As cited above, the abuse（？） of luxuries and conveniences may lead to some unexpected results. Some people, especially teenagers, may be addicted to luxuries and lose their courage and energy to challenge for greater success, and the conveniences may foment（挑起，煽动） indolence and languidness among people. In face of this problem, we should intentionally avoid being dominated by the luxuries and conveniences, aware of the fact that they should be used by us, but not reversely.
To sum up, provided that we learn to take advantage of the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, they will definitely help us develop into more strong and independent individuals. The determining（decisive） factor（of what？） is us, rather than the luxuries or conveniences.


从提纲部分开始说，感觉说的太过笼统，导致你的提纲没有发挥作用。提纲应该写明你的具体观点。而不只是你持反对或赞同观点。提纲的观点不具体，就造成了正文的观点不具体。
从正文看，第3，4段有一个递进层次。结尾处观点比较明确有力。但是各段中间的论述并不足以支撑段的分论点，这和分论点不太具体也有关系。
结尾处的观点很好，我觉得这一部分才是应当重点分层论述的。
另外关于语言，我认为宁可写得简单，也不要写错比较好。你用得很多词语，我去查了字典，也上网查了。没有这样的用法，建议多看看范文，能确定的东西再拿来用比较好。

最后，想说的是我改的可能太细致了，说话也比较直接，希望不会对你造成很大的打击……其实第一篇能写成这样已经相当不错了，看你的文时好多单词都不认识，都要现翻字典，觉得你很厉害呢，当然如果都能够准确使用就更好了。

wjin3UID: 2617582

不知道为什么，颜色不能正常显示，改的地方都加括号了，恩，不好意思

ajohnaresUID: 2661147

谢谢
其实我对这道题本身就有颇多异议
而且有些地方你们有理解我的用意
不过这也是表达能力有限造成的
3# wjin3