Issue 6 我的第一篇 求改

孙上了UID: 2617729

TOPIC: ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.



"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."



WORDS: 394          TIME: 01:00:00          DATE: 2009-7-20 21:53:28



This loan application claims that a jazz music club will be very popular in Monroe and can get a huge profits from it. The arguer give several reasons to support his or her point: (1) The nearest jazz club is 65 miles from Monroe, so there will be no opponents for C Note club; (2) Last year's jazz festival in Monroe had more than 10 thousands attendents and there are some famous jazz musicians living in Monroe; (3) The most popular radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Night' which broadcast every weeknight; (4) A nationwide study shows that typical jazz fan spends about one thousand dollars per year on jazz entertainment. But, after a careful examnation on those supporting evidence, however, we can't see any reason or support to believe the claim is trusted.



Firstly, the residents of Monroe like jazz doesn't
mean they will be likely to attend a jazz club. They may have several ways of enjoying jazz music as listening CD and broadcast at home. From the argument we can know that 'Jazz night' is the most popular radio program in Monroe, as a result, it is more likely that people will stay at home enjoy the radio but not go to a jazz club.



Secondly, the nearest jazz club is about 65 miles far from Monroe may be a proof that people have no interest in jazz club or other jazz club but C Note will have a branch here already. As for the 10 thousands people who attended last year's jazz festival, they could be travelers came from other place. This point is not strong enough to support that there are lots of jazz fans in Monroe who will pay money to attend some jazz activities. And those famous jazz muscians living in Monroe may perform nationwide but not in Monroe.



Thirdly, the statistics from a nationwide can not indicates that people in Monroe will like people living in other town spends one thousand dollars in jazz entertainment.



Furthermore, profits not only come for the market situation, but also depend on the manegement of the club.



In sum, I suppose that the arguer give more evidence on how your club can provide good service to attractive customers and spend money at you club. More detail should be given to support that there are enough people want join you club.

zinc05UID: 2629768

明明是Argument……