寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托语言类备考版 › TOEFL考试(IBT)讨论版 › 杨柳岸珊瑚的TOEFL作文帖

返回列表

楼主: tom_cybamic

[未归类] 杨柳岸珊瑚的TOEFL作文帖 [复制链接]

燕鱼小窝
UID：3249611

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 3
寄托币: 515
注册时间: 2012-2-12
精华: 0
帖子: 213

16楼

发表于 2012-7-28 22:31:27 |只看该作者

已改，请过目

附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号？立即注册

使用道具举报

mpromanus
UID：2565872

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 762
寄托币: 12296
注册时间: 2008-10-30
精华: 4
帖子: 907

17楼

发表于 2012-7-28 23:34:06 |只看该作者

不知道你求改哪一篇文章所以就改了第一篇了。。

lt is more important for government to spend money on modern houses than on building traditional or historical building or homes.

There has been no time in history during which the society develops faster than today. The quicker the development, the greater the demand of the art talents (1. there's no such expression as 'the art talents'..at most you'd say 'artistic talents'; 2. I don't see how 'the art talents' are relevant to an issue about buildings..). So some people think that it is more vital for the government to spend money on traditional or historical buildings or homes. It may be true that those traditional houses will boost the humanistic art atmosphere (1. the proper way of forming such composite noun phrases is 'the atmosphere of <blah>'; 2. I'm not sure what you mean exactly by 'humanistic art' but if you were trying to translate 人文艺术, then it should be 'the humanities and the arts'.). As for me, modern houses are more important. There are several reasons below.

First, the modern buildings are more pragmatic (You'd usually describe people or policies as 'pragmatic', but not things..). Nowadays, a growing numbers of people move to cities to seek a fortune, so the demand for housing goes up rapidly. The New York city, for example, is one of biggest cities in the world which has eighteen million people. It is a huge task for the government to offer enough houses to the residents. (..but these 'people' aren't necessarily all 'residents', you see..many of them actually do stay in New Jersey and commute daily.. having 'people' doesn't mean the same thing as having 'residents'.) If the government spends money on the traditional houses, numerous people in New York will have no houses to live in since the building land (This actually means 'land that is doing the building'..what you mean, on the other hand, would probably be 'the land available for buildings'.) is limited and a traditional house is not space saving. (I don't get the last part of this sentence. Yes, many traditional buildings look big and wasteful, but they can be re-partitioned and successfully converted into very modern apartments that are 'space-saving' in the sense that you can squeeze quite a number of people in them..if you said something like 'many historical buildings take up a lot of space and are not suitable for dwelling because of their age', that would be more reasonable and acceptable. In general, avoid making very broad, sweeping statements like 'a traditional house is not space saving', which means every single one of these traditional houses is not space saving..which is hard to justify.) However, the modern high-rise buildings can well solve this problem. It offers more houses for people since there are much more layers. Moreover, practical modern houses have less indoor decorations and it can offer more rooms for people. Since the modern apartments could offer more space for people than traditional houses on the same land, its price is also lower and makes it more available (If we are talking about prices then it would be 'affordable' rather than 'available'.) to people who live in the city. In this sense, modern houses are more suitable for urban residents.(But you only talked about high-rise apartment buildings, which produce a lot of living spaces for urban residents..a house doesn't need to be a tall apartment block to be 'modern', yes? and a sprawling modern house for a rich celebrity would be not as beneficial as an apartment block, yes? If you said 'most modern houses are high-rise buildings and these are particularly space saving', then again, it becomes more reasonable and acceptable, because it shows you understand the boundaries of your reasoning. So again, avoid making sweeping statements without properly qualifying the validity of your argument. Think about what you're saying. Get into the habit of asking 'is this 100%, always true?')

Another factor that is needs to be taken into consideration is safety. Because of the prosperity of the building technology, people now come up with new requirements of the buildings. Newly-built houses, for instance, should be fireproofing and anti-seismic. Some traditional houses may use materials that are easy to be kindled (Give examples to your descriptioins..for example, '..use materials that are easily flammable, like wood, and..' Such an 'inline' example would be greatly appreciated because it shows you can both generalize from examples and vice versa, illustrate generalizations with examples - which simple means 'you know what you're saying'.)and the aseimatic fuction may be poor. Traditional houses that are not fireproof are very dangerous if located in the densely populated areas. If a shopping mall in the downtown is built in a traditional style and doesn't take the safety factor into consideration, there will be a disaster with an unexpected outbreak of fire. And the semisic resistance is also a key element. In history, a great deal of people in developing countries lost their lives largely because their houses were not strong enough to survive in a earthquake ('the' is the definite article, so 'the earthquake' means a specific, particular earthquake. But you're not referring to any specific earthquake here – you're referring to a generic, abstract example of this geological activity, so you use the indefinite article, 'a/an'.). So for security reasons, modern buildings are more favorable.(Good argument.)

As for the aesthetic sense, the modern buildings appeal to people as well. New York city is famous for its skyscrappers. (Be very sure you spell this correctly: a 'scraper' and a 'scrapper' and a 'crapper' are completely different..) The Empire State Building is a top attraction to the tourists all over the world. Standing on the top floor and enjoying the marvellous night scene of the city is a visual feast for the visitors. So the modern buildings are as eye-catching as traditional buildings.(Yes, but then what does this point have to do with our issue of budgeting priority? The claim that modern buildings are as aesthetically appealing as historical ones has no bearing on the question, if you don't tell me how the two relate to each other..for example, 'some people may argue that historical buildings are better looking so they attract more tourists, blah, and thus the government should spend more money on those historical buildings as they are profit generating, but you see I've shown that they are equally pretty to look at and equally good at attracting tourists, so there's really no reason to spend more money on historical buildings if tourist appeal is the only good thing about them'. Now I've written this in a rather casual manner, but I hope you get the idea.)

To sum up, nowadays, the modern houses and buildings play an essential role in the development of the society. A thoughtful person cannot escape to admit the their importance to a city and even a country. So the government should spend more money on the modern houses and buildings.

总结：

语法上请注意第三人称单数。。论述上感觉是抓不到你想说的分论点和问题本身怎么联系到一起，也抓不到你想说的分论点怎么具体地用举例或者理论分析来说明，所以一直在很理论化的绕来绕去。。这样呢一个是说你会经常写出比较武断的100%确定式的句子，另外一个就是会像第三个分论点那样，不知道你说了这一点，跟题目本身到底有什么关系，能够怎么圆回到花钱在哪种建筑更重要这一点上去。。所以建议你可以试着换个方向，不必总是先想论点再凑论据，而是先想想关于这个话题你有什么实际经验和知识可谈，然后从你能想到的论据里提炼论点。。如果你发现自己没什么实际的经验和想法，那说明这个话题方面需要收集素材啦。~

已有 1 人评分	寄托币	声望	收起理由
秋雨荆州	+ 20	+ 5	老师辛苦了！

总评分: 寄托币 + 20 声望 + 5 查看全部投币

2016 fall语言学Phd申请情况叨叨帖
DMC 3表忠心花痴帖！

使用道具举报

燕鱼小窝
UID：3249611

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 3
寄托币: 515
注册时间: 2012-2-12
精华: 0
帖子: 213

18楼

发表于 2012-7-30 19:44:43 |只看该作者

已改，请过目

附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号？立即注册

使用道具举报

wuxiang0220
UID：3354608

高级会员

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 10
寄托币: 772
注册时间: 2012-7-28
精华: 0
帖子: 312

19楼

发表于 2012-7-30 21:42:51 |只看该作者

已改

附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号？立即注册

使用道具举报

秋雨荆州
UID：2903781

元老版主

Rank: 11

声望: 8090
寄托币: 112805
注册时间: 2010-9-11
精华: 41
帖子: 31980

20楼

发表于 2012-7-30 21:57:45 |只看该作者

sry，忙爆了

附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号？立即注册

使用道具举报

lazysheep
UID：2955322

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 24
寄托币: 418
注册时间: 2010-11-15
精华: 0
帖子: 127

21楼

发表于 2012-7-31 17:08:59 |只看该作者

抱歉，不会添加附件额。。。。直接贴上来啦~

In this fiercelycompetitive society, people need to confront so many problems that otherpeople's advices are valuable for them to avoid detours. The suggestions maycome from both older people and people of their age. Someone think that advice given by older people are more valuable since elders experienced more and hadan insight into what is happening. As far as I am concerned, advices given byolder people are equal valuable to that from peers in some situations and wecan not make a definite conclusion. There are several reasons below.

As an old sayinggoes: An old man's sayings are seldom untrue. Older people who walked moreroads(可以这样表达吗？) and endured more sufferings are experiencedand knowledgeable.The advices given by them will help us overcome a lot ofdifficulties and avoid unnecessary mistakes（mistake本来就是unnecessary啊，这样表达好像有些中式） while people of my age have no such richexperience and can not give some constructive views toward some issues. Take mylesson on mathematics study as an example, when I was in high school, I did agood job in mathematics because my maths teacher always told us that carefullystudying where was wrong was important which prevent you made the samemistakes. After I went to university, most of my classmates told me that youcan easily pass the exams without hard working, not to mention paying attentionto the errors. Undoubtedly, I did not do well in maths as before and from thattime, I have learned that the advice from my teacher is beneficial because heknew how to study well absolutely and the suggestion from him would help me alot. Since I did not follow his suggestion, I suffered a loss in university. Sofrom my lesson, I truly learned the importance of the advice from older peoplewhich is more valuable than that from people of my age.

However, people ofmy age can also give valuable suggestion. Our lives have changed a lot thanbefore with the development of science and technology. We have slide projectorin class, communicate with smartphone and search information through Internetwhich are unimaginable for older people when they were young. The difficultiesand confusion we met may be new to the older people as well. In this situation,their suggestions may not be valuable since they were unfamiliar with what ishappening and cannot have right vision. And the people of my age know thesevery well because they have the same experience and overcome them successfully,such as career planning. （感觉此处有些脱节，前面再说technology，这里突然变为career planning的问题了，可以中间加个链接的句子表示older people在这两方面的advice都不好。）Take mybrother's experience as example. When my brother was in university, he wantedto go abroad for further study after graduated. But his father wanted him towork in the government because he did not know the benefits of overseas study whileworking in the government was stable. But some of his classmates who are inforeign countries told him that studying abroad would reap a lot. After longtime consideration, my brother chose to go abroad. Now, he found a good jobwith high salary after he graduated. So from my brother’s story, we can learnthat peers’ advices are valuable as well in some situations.

In conclusion,advices from older people and people of our age are both valuable in differentsituations. When it comes to life experience, older people have more things tosay, but on the new coming issues, people of our age may have more beneficialadvices.

（感觉文章总体蛮好的，但两个例子感觉都有些冗长，我个人觉得例子缩短一点，后面再加些对例子的分析解释，可能会更好：D）

我的同题文章在

https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1405748&fromuid=2955322

欢迎修改，谢谢！

使用道具举报