【独立写作】ヤ.魔ポ☆.作业贴

ヤ.魔ポ☆.UID：3381952

荷糖月 发表于 2012-11-8 08:39
11.7日已改~这里是我的作文，欢迎指正~https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1475766-1-1.html

辛苦了！我就是个偏题重度患者。。。怎么办怎么办

荷糖月UID：3394974

ヤ.魔ポ☆. 发表于 2012-11-8 15:28
辛苦了！我就是个偏题重度患者。。。怎么办怎么办

就像我说的啊，写之前想好要说的三点，并保证这三点都是直接支持你的中心论点的~然后紧紧围绕着你的中心论点和每段的主题句展开就好啦~

ヤ.魔ポ☆.UID：3381952

荷糖月 发表于 2012-11-8 16:49
就像我说的啊，写之前想好要说的三点，并保证这三点都是直接支持你的中心论点的~然后紧紧围绕着你的中心论 ...

哎，主要是我就在想这三个点的时候就开始偏了。。。而且我不是很能判断我怎么偏的:L

wangkaiha1UID：3349621

不好意思一天有课，改的太晚请楼主见谅。

荷糖月UID：3394974

ヤ.魔ポ☆. 发表于 2012-11-8 16:56
哎，主要是我就在想这三个点的时候就开始偏了。。。而且我不是很能判断我怎么偏的

那就是逻辑思维的问题了……其实在高中我们写议论文 的时候就训练过这种思维方式了，所以你可以试着想想如果是中文的议论文该怎么写呀~

ヤ.魔ポ☆.UID：3381952

荷糖月 发表于 2012-11-8 23:25
那就是逻辑思维的问题了……其实在高中我们写议论文 的时候就训练过这种思维方式了，所以你可以试着想想如 ...

you got the point...我会说我语文作文在高三三次诊断性考试中两次都偏题了吗。。。BTW我写好啦~再帮我看看吧~

ヤ.魔ポ☆.UID：3381952

wangkaiha1 发表于 2012-11-8 19:05
不好意思一天有课，改的太晚请楼主见谅。

晕了自己没见着。。非常感谢！大家都精准抓住了我的问题。。跑题T_T我也在不断纠偏中~谢谢啦~

mpromanusUID：2565872

ヤ.魔ポ☆. 发表于 2012-11-7 02:01
谢谢鼓励！
题目:Which of the following three factors contribute to an enjoyable vacati ...

Which of the following three factors contribute to an enjoyable vacation most? A. Good food; B. Good location; C. Good friends with you.

Pleasant vacations always lead us to a brilliant world (I'm not really sure what exactly you intend to express with this but the 'always' part is pretty exaggerated. ), for we can totally get rid of what frustrate us in our daily lives. Speaking of vacations, we usually let our minds wander in the sweet memories of what sceneries we have seen, what palatable food we have enjoyed (If you must use 'how', it needs to be 'how palatable the food we have enjoyed is'. 'what' goes with noun phrases, 'how' with adj./adv. phrases. In 'palatable food we have enjoyed', the part being fronted is actually 'palatable food', a noun phrase, not just 'palatable'.) and most importantly, who we have shared all those feelings with.

In the first place, usually what we remember most are what we have done when travelling. It will be a little weird to say that what really makes the trips fascinating is not where we plan to go or what we taste for the first time, but those people together with us, who have already been around us for long, while it seems that the key point of vacations apparently is get to know a different world. (A very good long sentence, and grammatically correct too, but what's your point after all these poetic reflections? You have placed two apparently unrelated points in this sentence: 1. people make trips fascinating; 2. vacations are meant for people to know a different world – and you made no effort to establish any logical connection between them.) In fact, as I see it, no matter how enjoyable the landscapes and foods are, they can only provide you with a short and sensory impression, when comparatively, the love and happiness we share with our companions is long-lasting.(Okay, so this is your point. Now you need to argue why your point is valid/true/persuasive – and apparently you didn't. The purpose of a TOEFL essay is to state your point and defend it – not just to describe things or express feelings.)

Moreover, sometimes it is easy for us to notice that, many scenic spots look much alike. Take two of my trips for example. I went to a public garden with my high school friends during my summer vacation last year, which is renowned for its springs. We queued for a long time only to find an ordinary river, which was far from satisfactory. Nevertheless, we still had a great time, talking about our high school life and new experience in universities. What I want to focus on is that, we often travel with old friends just to stay with those who we love for some time. In other words, vacations are just good opportunities for us to be together. Thus, the trips themselves do not matter that much.(Now this is completely off the topic. You're expected to argue that friends are the most important factor, out of three choices available, in making a trip good. Everything in this topic, from 'most' to the other two choices, need to be covered in your argument. What you did here was to construct a story on a few single keywords – 'friends', 'travel', 'enjoyable'. That's not the way to do an argumentative essay. Yes, I know it's very boring to write argumentative essays, but this is something you have to learn because this is what you are expected to do for academic writing. The way you write is more akin to 'creative writing' – I'm not saying it's bad. In fact your language is pretty proficient and you could possibly do very good creative writing. The point is, if you find this kind of creative writing more to your liking than dry argumentative essays, then consider getting yourself a training on creative writing, rather than a university degree.)

In addition to that, sometimes attending trips is a good method for us to befriend with someone new. For instance, the summer trip I joined (Which trip? The same trip you mentioned in the last paragraph?) in attracted people from the whole city. During those days I made friends with two girls at my age. We went almost everywhere together and shared a lot. What is important, now we still keep in touch with each other, and I really feel happy to have new friends. That is to say, in my point of view, taking a vacation is a very good chance to know someone you have never seen and nearly impossible to know before.(Again, this completely goes off into story mode about 'friends, trips, enjoyable', and this is not how you are expected to address the issue at hand. The actual task is to argue 'friends, compared to food and location, is a more important factor in making trips enjoyable'. And you need to defend this argument, as entirely as possible, in every paragraph. You can't only talk about part of this argument in the body of your essay and then make a conclusion that is the entire argument.)

To sum up, what truly makes vacations worth praising is not what we eat during the trips, not to mention the monotonous scenery we have viewed for a thousand times, but those who keep us company. Whether they are old friends or not, the happiness they bring to us will be the real treasure we want to keep.

总结：

这个语言真的很好很强大（and in fact probably the best I've seen for years, in terms of language proficiency.）但是生生议论文写成了抒情散文哈~所以请先去仔细研究明白下议论性文章的写法哈~（看考试作文书籍或者我主帖的链接都行。如果有不懂的可以随时站短我）

ヤ.魔ポ☆.UID：3381952

mpromanus 发表于 2012-11-10 08:26
Which of the following three factors contribute to an enjoyable vacation most? A. Good food; B.  ...

非常感谢ro老师的修改~哎 我简直不知道该哭还是该笑了我。。。

素黑久UID：3389790

膜拜LZ!

ヤ.魔ポ☆.UID：3381952

素黑久 发表于 2012-11-10 12:17
膜拜LZ!

谢谢你的修改！我的作文。。。如果你看看你的楼上就知道鸟，看了ro老师的评价我现在连笔都不敢动了，连基本的论述都不会写还要去考一个学术性质的考试:mad:抓狂了啊啊啊 我觉得你的文章写得蛮好的啊 遣词造句和逻辑都挺清楚的嘛 而且至少它还是一篇水平挺好的论述文章T_T估计我12月2号就是去打酱油了 加油啊 祝你考个理想成绩啊

素黑久UID：3389790

ヤ.魔ポ☆. 发表于 2012-11-11 10:49
谢谢你的修改！我的作文。。。如果你看看你的楼上就知道鸟，看了ro老师的评价我现在连笔都不敢动了，连基 ...

可是你的语言真的好棒。。整理一下思路 然后再练习一下你肯定就无敌了！！我们都要加油！！有问题多多交流哈

ヤ.魔ポ☆.UID：3381952

素黑久 发表于 2012-11-12 11:51
可是你的语言真的好棒。。整理一下思路 然后再练习一下你肯定就无敌了！！我们都要加油！！有问题多多交流 ...

谢谢鼓励~加油加油！！

海上的月亮UID：3385706

  没什么问题耶~ 加油哦！

ヤ.魔ポ☆.UID：3381952

海上的月亮 发表于 2012-11-13 13:54
没什么问题耶~ 加油哦！

谢谢~我查了查，programme和program应该都是可数的，不知道word为什么报错。。。