我的一片习作 很烂 希望有时间的朋友帮帮我

zfzfzfzflnUID：2589335

我先自己说一下自己的毛病吧：
1）总是乐意用WE啊，I啊之类的 总好像在和大家说话，不知道怎么避免
2）写着写着总是忘记自己要论述的中心，并且条理会不清晰
3）模板格式太僵硬了，只有一个模板，虽然哪个题目都可以用，不过总感觉不太好，希望大家提供些建议
4）会用的句型太少了，有时候显得很单调
5）每一段结尾的时候缺少合适的句子结尾，有时候总结不知道用什么句型好
6）传媒类的文章和历史类的文章总是缺乏令人满意的例子


问题很多，希望有时间的朋友帮帮我 我写的很一般 不过字数是达到要求了 我一次也没招人改过 这是第一次 谢谢大家了
题目：ISSUE83 - "Government should preserve publicly owned wilderness areas in their natural state, even though these areas are often extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people."
字数：672          用时：00:45:00          日期：2009-4-2 17:41:12

政府应该保护那些疆域范围内的偏远地带，保持他们的原始状态，尽管这些地区一般来说非常偏僻，很少有人能够到达

Should government preserve publicly owned wilderness areas in their natural state?In response to this issue,we need to analyse the proposition comprehensively form the dialectic perspective,investigating the nature of the truth by critical analysis of concepts and hyotheses.The author declares so,even though these areas are often very remote and accessible to only a few people.It is true that we need protect the wilderness areas so that we can obtain a wonderful future for ourselves and our offspring.The final judgment can be generalized in one saying that I agree with the proposition without reservation.

  First and foremost,at the risk of sounding too simplistic,my first proposition for this issue can be summarized in one saying that we need protect environment and nature with all of efforts that we can dedicate.With the highly fast development of economy and society,human beings are confronted with a great problem,a environment problem,which can never be ignored.The developed technology and civilization give us not only convenient life,good health,well living and delicious food,but also bring about the destroy of the nature,the lost of agricultural land,the polluted water,and so on.There are a great problem to determine where is the human's future and also a chance to correct what has been done harmfully to the environment.All of us can see the efforts to protect our environment for each country,which has pose a positive and profound influence on the environment.However,the methods and ways are not so enough that environment can shift form the pollution to the purity.We,not only developing countries but also developed countries,must take our efforts to preserve the environment for you for me for everybody.


  Although the efforts have been done well in some big cities and developed areas,we need put our attention to the wilderness areas,which is also in their natural state.There is a old saying that protection is better than repair forever.there is pure and clean environment in wilderness areas,but a signal has proved that the pure place maybe destroyed in tomorrow for the reason that some egoists and factory are considering about the 'Paradise' for a long time.They want to make factories in the place with the cheap labor,affluent resource,favorable policies and never consider the actions pose a potential and probable theaten on the unspoilt areas.So there is a consensus that we can't never ignore the environment of the remote areas.At the same time,there are three merits of protecting the wilderness areas.Firstly,the protection of the wilderness areas,which belong to the government,is the obligation and duty for the government.Secondly,preservation is more easy than repair,which is familiar to everybody.In the end,the expense of protection doesn't need much,just a little,to do well and there are colossal methods to protect the environment,for example,establish a wild park of country,hire some native worker to watch off and so on.These methods can bring about increasing attentions and employments.So the protection of wilderness areas can bring about the effect of environment as well as the improvement of common people's life level.

  Meanwhile,we also need to call for groups of people to help the project of protection,which is too hard to be done only by government.There are many measures that can be taken to publicize the concrete goals and the purity of wildernes areas.The government can build up a group of journey to show the beauty of those areas;We,who learn about the fact and want to make a better future,can establish a environmental organization to help preserve the environment and tell commen people the significance of protection for those areas.Not only can measures above be done,but also some other forms to publicize the logos to commen people and protect the environment of areas.So we can imagine a better future for ourselves and offspring.


  From the analyses made above,I strongly commit to the notion that we need to call for a balance between the protection of big cities or developed areas and the preservation of wilderness areas.Without two protections,we will lose much resource and destroy more than what we think.In a word,we must protect our environment no matter what obstacle we will meet and how we should take our efforts.

zfzfzfzflnUID：2589335

自己顶一下 大家都休息了吧..版主在吗?

zfzfzfzflnUID：2589335

啥时候来看我的文章啊？

eadscarmenUID：2341533

Should government preserve publicly owned wilderness areas in their natural state? In response to this issue, we need to analyse the proposition comprehensively form(from) the dialectic perspective, investigating the nature of the truth by critical analysis of concepts and hypotheses. The author declares so, even though these areas are often very remote and accessible to only a few people. It is true that we need protect the wilderness areas so that we can obtain a wonderful future for ourselves and our offspring. The final judgment can be generalized in one saying that I agree with the proposition without reservation.

(not blankets before this)First and foremost, at the risk of sounding too simplistic, my first proposition for this issue can be summarized in one saying that we need protect environment and nature with all of efforts that we can dedicate. With the highly fast development of economy and society, human beings are confronted(confronting) with a great (add: many) problems, an environment problem, which can never be ignored. The developed(developing, hehe I prefer the present continuous) technology(technologies)  and civilization give us not only convenient life, good health, well living and delicious food, but also bring(bringing) about the destroy(destroying) of the nature,( not only A but also B should be used by describing strict parallel actions or things) the lost of agricultural land, the polluted water and so on. There are a great (add many)  problems to determine where is the human's future and also a chance to correct what has been done harmfully to the environment.(I don't understand the part after determine. So is it better to express like this? There are a great many problems to determine such as where is the human's future; any chance to correct what has been done harmfully to the environment or etc.) All of us can see the efforts to protect our environment for(from) each country, which has pose a positive and profound influence on the environment. However, the methods and ways are not so enough(not so…that. Is it better to say: However, the methods and ways are so limited that environment can not shift....) that environment can shift form(from) the pollution to the purity. We,
not only developing countries but also developed countries, must take our efforts to preserve the environment for you, for me (add: and)for everybody.

Although the efforts have been done well in some big cities and developed areas, we need (add: to) put our attention to the wilderness areas, which is also in their natural state(as well as natural states). There is a(an) old saying that protection is better than repair forever. There is pure and clean environment in wilderness areas, but a signal has proved that the pure place maybe destroyed in tomorrow for the reason that some egoists and factories are considering about the 'Paradise' for a long time. They want to make factories in the place with the cheap labor (add: force), affluent resources, favorable policies and never consider the actions pose(posing) a potential and probable theaten(threatening) on the unspoilt areas. So there is a consensus that we can't never ignore(can’t ignore) the environment of the remote areas. At the same time, there are three merits of protecting the wilderness areas. Firstly, the protection of the wilderness areas, which belong to the government, is the obligation and duty for the government. Secondly, preservation is more easy than repair, which is familiar to everybody. In the end, the expense of protection doesn't need much, just a little, to do well and there are colossal methods to protect the environment, for example, establish(establishing) a wild park of country, hire(hiring) some native worker to watch off(watch off?) and so on. These methods can bring about increasing attentions and employments(employees). So the protection of wilderness areas can bring about the effect of environment as well as the improvement of common people's life level.(living standards)

Meanwhile, we also need to call for groups of people to help the project of protection, which is too hard to be done only by government. There are many measures that can be taken to publicize the concrete goals and the purity of wilderness areas. The government can build up a group of journey to show the beauty of those areas; We, who learn about the fact and want to make a better future, can establish an environmental organization to help preserve the environment and tell commen(cut) people the significance of protection for those areas(cut). Not only can measures above (add: should) be done, but also some other forms to publicize the logos to commen people and protect the environment of areas(but also some other forms of publicizing the logos to folks about how to protect the environment of those areas).So we can imagine a better future for ourselves and offsprings.


From the analyses made above, I strongly commit to the notion that we need to call for a balance between the protection of big cities or developed areas and the preservation of wilderness areas. Without two protections, we will lose much resource and destroy more than what we think. In a word, we must protect our environment no matter what obstacle we will meet and how (much) we should take our efforts.(This paragraph is very impressive with few mistakes. It reinforces the opinion strongly)
1. Press space button after each comma and some punctuation marks.
2. Pay attention to the rules between each paragraph. Two kinds of styles can not be combined.
3. I guess your speaking is better than your writing.
Am I right?\
4. Great tend to exaggerate the size or weight and many or a great deal are uses to express quantity.
5. Overall, the standpoint is clear with strong supports. It is good.

eadscarmenUID：2341533

too tire

zfzfzfzflnUID：2589335

5# eadscarmen

eadscarmen大哥，很早就见过你，读过你很多帖子，怎么ID显示你是寄托新兵？

1.一直没注意 谢谢
2.是说我的两个段落之间风格变化太大吗？那我尽量让两段看起来相似吧。
3.我是挺能说的...呵呵
4.学习了！
5.觉得我还可以在哪方面提高呢？

看见你的too tire了，真的谢谢你！！！没有你，我不知道会怎么样...

sakuraanneUID：2253519

语言方面感觉可以，思路有点偏题
题目主要需要你深入讨论government保护荒野的必要性，如果是我会从荒野的价值和意义来说，重点落在我们要不要保护它，虽然它很荒僻，看起来没什么直接经济效益。是保护呢还是开发利用？
你写的先说政府对大城市的环境保护的好--偏题；然后再说城市保护好不够，野地很重要--可以；最后说光政府不行，还需要社会团体，民众意识---偏题。虽然这些内容在论述过程中也可以用，但是这么用就显得偏离主题。没有抓住题目重点。
写issue重要的是思考，你的语言已经可以了。好好审题，打蛇抓七寸，祝你成功

eadscarmenUID：2341533

Thank u for your supplementary

developmentUID：2593721

LZ用的是小宝老师的正正反补吧,  

不过这样完全用模板,会不会雷同呢?
说实话,俺也是完全按这个在练.
不过今天上google一搜,就发现好多一模一样的(模板部分的文字)

小宝老师说过,雷同多是针对论据的,把论据和论证糅合在一起可避免.
不过像这样大家都大面积用此板,会不会还是被探测到呢?

很纠结,不知道各位DX怎么说?