argument6 处女作，新手上路，先谢过各位~~ ；）

DavistarUID: 2104173

Arg 6   ———— 知恩图报的说；)


The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.  


"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the  C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a  nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."  


在Monroe建立爵士乐俱乐部将会是非常盈利的产业。当前，最近的爵士俱乐部也在65英里
以外；因此，我们筹建的俱乐部C Note将会占有全部的本地市场。而且，爵士乐在Monroe
非常流行：去年夏天10万多人参加了Monroe的爵士音乐节，若干知名爵士音乐家居住在Monroe，Monroe获评价最高的广播节目是平时每天播出的Jazz Nightly。最后，一项全国性


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  The application recommends that a new jazz music club in Monroe would undoubtedly make money.  To support the claim, the author provides the evidence that (1) the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away,(2)over 100,000 people attended the local jazz festival last summer,(3)there ate several will-known jazz musicians live in Monroe ,(4)"Jazz Nightly" is the highest-rated radio program and (5)the typical jazz fan spends nearly $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment by a nationwide study.  On the basis of the evidences the author infers that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe.   This argument is logically flawed in several critical respects.

  First of all, the argument is based on a naked assumption that Jazz is popular in Monroe.  We are not informed about the population of Monroe, and how many of the 100,000 people are local residents.  The fact that several jazz musicians live in Monroe says little about jazz's being popular there.   And perhaps the several musicians are not quite popular with the citizens.  At the same time, the arguer fails to convince us that "Jazz Night" is popular just because of the music. Maybe there are few other programs to choose as an alternative at weekend. Therefore, the arguer cannot make any sound recommendations that jazz is popular in Monroe.

Secondly, the arguer unfairly assumes that jazz fans in Monroe would like to spend much on jazz entertainment.   It is unreasonable to draw any conclusions about local jazz fans based on a nationwide study about jazz fans.  For example, we have all reasons to assume that the city is undeveloped and people there have little money on hand. And then how can a typical jazz fan there entertain himself as others do?  Even if the local fans are rich enough and would like to spend much on jazz, the arguer cannot make sure that how many of them are fond of jazz club. In a word, the arguer need more evidence to convince us that the new club would make money because of the nationwide study.

Last of all, there are several other logical flaws in the argument. Perhaps there are some other programming clubs to prevent the C Note from possessing the whole market which is ignored by the arguer. Even if jazz is popular in Monroe, the arguer fails to provide evidence that jazz club is also popular.

In conclusion, the argument is unconvincing as it stands.   Before we accept the claim, the arguer have to demonstrate more fact that jazz is popular in Monroe--perhaps by way of a local survey or study--and the local jazz fans do in fact like jazz club and can afford it. And more evidences concerning absence of competers are proposed.


我的问题：
1.        开头段落 陈述五个论据实在是太罗嗦了，有其他办法么？
2.        什么时候可以在开头用And？ 我好像每一句开头都忍不住要用
3.        What’s、can’t 之类的缩写在正规文章中可以常用么？
4.        In a word 可以作为段落总结句么？
5.        make sure 是跟 want 一样非正式语言么？若是改换做什么？
6.        naked 未证实的，有其他同义词么？

7.         语言好贫哦，急人的~~~~

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-23 at 12:10 ]

LeonS.KennedyUID: 194492

处女作写到这种程度,真令人羡慕啊.

The application recommends that a new jazz music club in Monroe would undoubtedly make money.  To support the claim, the author provides the evidence that (1) the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away,(2)over 100,000 people attended the local jazz festival last summer,(3)there ate several will-known jazz musicians live in Monroe ,(4)"Jazz Nightly" is the highest-rated radio program and (5)the typical jazz fan spends nearly $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment by a nationwide study. 前面的最好再概括一下,显得冗长 On the basis of the evidences the author infers that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe.   This argument is logically flawed in several critical respects.最后一句话明显是根据模板来的,多看些文章,编一套自己的特色模板

First of all, the argument is based on a naked可以改成unwarranted assumption that Jazz is popular in Monroe.  We are not informed about the population of Monroe, and how many of the 100,000 people are local residents.  The fact that several jazz musicians live in Monroe says little about jazz's being popular there.   And这种and可以去掉 perhaps the several the several感觉不太合适啊musicians are not quite popular with the citizens.  At the same time, the arguer fails to convince us that "Jazz Night" is popular just because of the music. Maybe there are few other programs to choose as an alternative at weekend. Therefore, the arguer cannot make any sound recommendations that jazz is popular in Monroe.

Secondly, the arguer unfairly assumes that jazz fans in Monroe would like to spend much on jazz entertainment.   It is unreasonable to draw any conclusions about local jazz fans based on a nationwide study about jazz fans.  For example, we have all reasons to assume that the city is undeveloped and people there have little money on hand. And 这个and可以不要then how can a typical jazz fan there entertain himself as others do?  Even if the local fans are rich enough and would like to spend much on jazz, the arguer cannot make sure that how many of them are fond of jazz club. In a word, the arguer need应该是needs more evidence to convince us that the new club would make money because of because of不太合适,可以换个方式把后面的study给代上 the nationwide study.

Last of all, there are several other logical flaws in the argument. Perhaps there are some other programming前面的单词是笔误吧 clubs to prevent the C Note from possessing the whole market which is clubs应该是are ignored by the arguer. Even if jazz is popular in Monroe, the arguer fails to provide evidence that jazz club is also popular.

In conclusion, the argument is unconvincing as it stands.   Before we accept the claim, the arguer have to demonstrate more fact that jazz is popular in Monroe--perhaps by way of a local survey or study--and the local jazz fans do in fact like jazz club and can afford it. And more evidences concerning absence of competers 前面的应该是competitorsare proposed.


看得比较仓促:)

DavistarUID: 2104173

你是我的处女批哦，小生谢过~~~~

知恩图报的说；）

DavistarUID: 2104173

你是我的处女批哦，小生谢过~~~~

知恩图报的说；）

DavistarUID: 2104173

你是我的处女批哦，小生谢过~~~~

知恩图报的说；）

LeonS.KennedyUID: 194492

不客气
有空我会找你拍我的:)
非请莫拍啊:)

DavistarUID: 2104173

可爱的一个 ; )