Argument211 G-89-互助社-9日同主题写作

hwyireneUID: 200039

今天这篇写得极度郁闷，限时不成功，字数是严重不足，而且简直是想不到怎么用模版，怎么措辞，怎么分析，写的时候几度想搁笔了。终于把它写完，感觉很不好，又不知道怎样修改，拜托大家帮忙了:handshake:handshake

argu211
------题目------
The following appeared in a memorandum to faculty from the academic vice president of Waymarsh University.
'So that we can better accomplish Waymarsh University's academic goals, we should adopt the job-opportunity (job-op) program offered at Plateau Technical College and strongly encourage all students at Waymarsh to participate in it. The success of the job-op program at Plateau is evident: over the past two years, more than 75% of the freshmen at Plateau have enrolled in the optional job-op program. Moreover, at Plateau, the grades of job-op students are consistently higher than those of other students, 90% of the job-op students receive job offers within a month after their graduation, and most former job-op students report much success in their careers.'
------正文------
In this memorandum from the academic vice president of Waymarsh University (WU), the author claims that in order to better achieve the academic goals of WU, they should adopt the job-ob program which proves to be successful in Plateau Technical College (PTC). To strengthen his recommendation, the author cites that the statistical results of the program in PTC which shows that this program has a large proportion of students participated in. Further support mentioned by the author is that after this program, PTC has achieved a success considering the jobs offered to its graduates. However, several flaws in this memorandum render it unpersuasive.

A threshold problem is that the success in PTC may be irrelevant to the program at all, as it stands that the job-op program was just put into action no more than two years ago. Common sense tells us that usually a college course covers four years at least, but the author only clearly states in the memorandum that 75% of the freshmen have taken part in the program, without any referring to the enroll number of students from superior grades especially those on the year to graduate. Maybe most of the would-be graduates have dedicated in their academic work and few have participated in the program. Given that condition, the success in their finding jobs actually has nothing to do with the program.

What comes next has to do with the effect of the program, on analyzing the job-finding results in the past when job-op program was not in action, against those in today's conditions. Although we are convinced that the achievement of the graduates job-finding is significant, yet no records in the past can show that these are indeed a progress rather than only keeping the old standards. Unless the author provides the reliable statistics of how many graduates find jobs in their first year and how many of them have succeeded in their career, we can not take recent success as an improvement at best.

What 's more, even if facts will support that there is really a enhancement in the job-finding of the graduates in PTC, mere fact that job-op programs has taken place in PTC is sufficient that this enhancement attributes to the program. It's quite possible that some other policies propelled by the college have helped to gain opportunities for its graduates in the job market. Unless the author rules out possibility that some other policies rather than job-op, has contribute to the success recently, the conclusion is ungrounded.

Finally, even if the program has actually caused the increase in job opportunity for the students of PTC, it's not necessarily that similar effect will appear in WU. As we know that WU is a university  while PTC is a college, which may focus on specific course to provide its students better chance to learn techniques which will fit them right in their future jobs. But as for WU, it may probably an integrated university which put emphasis on general course, especially academic areas to ensure that its students receive a entire education instead of aiming at preparing them for specific careers. Thus, the success in PTC of the program may have little effect on WU, as adopting it will undermine the academic ambience in the university.

In all, several illogical flaws in the line of reasoning in the article makes the suggestion unpersuasive. To substantiate the conclusion, the author should at first provide us with reliable statistics which show that a large proportion of graduates have also enrolled in the program, and more evidence to support that the success in their job-finding is an improvement. To better assess the recommendation, the author need to find out more analogies between WU and PTC which will ensure that the program succeeds in PTC can be reliably applied to WU.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-9 at 17:24 ]

OceanDUID: 2118730

占位，老朋友，一会给你看

OceanDUID: 2118730

In this memorandum from the academic vice president of Waymarsh University (WU), the author claims that in order to better achieve the academic goals of WU, they should adopt the job-ob program which proves to be successful in Plateau Technical College (PTC). To strengthen his recommendation, the author cites that the statistical results of the program in PTC which shows that this program has a large proportion of students participated in[可以参考用engage in]. Further support mentioned by the author is that after this program, PTC has achieved a success considering the jobs offered to its graduates. However, several flaws in this memorandum render it unpersuasive.

A threshold problem is that the success in PTC may be irrelevant to the program at all,[中心句] as it stands that the job-op program was just put into action no more than two years ago. Common sense tells us that usually a college course covers four years at least, but the author only clearly states in the memorandum that 75% of the freshmen have taken part in the program, without any referring to the enroll number of students from superior grades especially those on the year to graduate. Maybe most of the would-be graduates have dedicated in their academic work[research] and few have participated in the program. [这句话我不太明白你的意思？大多数人投身于学术研究，少数参加了program? 请解释回复帖中，我会回来看跟你讨论的]Given that condition, the success in their finding jobs actually has nothing to do with the program.

What comes next has to do with the effect of the program, on analyzing the job-finding results in the past when job-op program was not in action, against those in today's conditions. [这论点好，又是我没想到的，而且句式也很新]Although we are convinced that the achievement of the graduates job-finding is significant, yet no records in the past can show that these are indeed a progress rather than only keeping the old standards. Unless the author provides the reliable statistics of how many graduates find jobs in their first year and how many of them have succeeded in their career, we can not take recent success as an improvement at best.

What 's more, even if facts will support that there is really a[an] enhancement in the job-finding of the graduates in PTC, [the]mere fact that job-op programs has taken place in PTC is sufficient that this enhancement attributes to the program. It's quite possible that some other policies propelled by the college have helped to gain opportunities for its graduates in the job market.[最好能具体写出有哪些可能] Unless the author rules out possibility that some other policies rather than job-op, has contribute to the success recently, the conclusion is ungrounded.

Finally, even if the program has actually caused the increase in job opportunity for the students of PTC, it's not necessarily that similar effect will appear in WU. As we know that WU is a university  while PTC is a college,[你看的好细啊，我都没发现] which may focus on specific course to provide its students better chance to learn techniques which will fit them right in their future jobs. But as for WU, it may probably an integrated university which put emphasis on general course, especially academic areas to ensure that its students receive a[an] entire education instead of aiming at preparing them for specific careers. Thus, the success in PTC of the program may have little effect on WU, as adopting it will undermine the academic ambience in the university.

In all, several illogical flaws in the line of reasoning in the article makes the suggestion unpersuasive. To substantiate the conclusion, the author should at first provide us with reliable statistics which show that a large proportion of graduates have also enrolled in the program, and more evidence to support that the success in their job-finding is an improvement. To better assess the recommendation, the author need to find out more analogies between WU and PTC which will ensure that the program succeeds in PTC can be reliably applied to WU.
[OceanD小结：
我觉得模版你用的还可以，其实模版不用刻意追求，都是为了凑字数的。你的分析也挺好的。不过，有些错误你并没有批，比如：参加项目的人成绩高，还有参加项目的人在事业上比较成功。你一定会说，如果都写得写多少，这就需要你在语言上下功夫了，要简练。比如你的第四段，说了很多空话，其实可以一笔带过的，二三四三段都是写和找工作有关的确实可以合为一段。还有，别急着限时，等写多了，模版熟了，自然就快了。你现在多写，然后有了几片之后，总结一下自己的模版，我就是这样打算的。
    至于你说的你写的时候的感受，我真的也有，昨天写了一下午，而且还是argu，也是想放笔不写了，大家都一样，加油就好。
    我正巧和你写了一样的（嘿嘿，其实是写完后再社区里找写的一样的人改的，共同进步）要是有兴趣，帮我也改改吧。]

[ Last edited by OceanD on 2005-8-9 at 16:58 ]

hwyireneUID: 200039

Originally posted by OceanD at 2005-8-9 16:56
Maybe most of the would-be graduates have dedicated in their academic work[research] and few have participated in the program. [这句话我不太明白你的意思？大多数人投身于学术研究，少数参加了program? 请解释回复帖中，我会回来看跟你讨论的]

我当时是想说毕业生大部会忙于写论文，实习，联系工作，好象不太可能临时来抱这个佛脚，没想到合适的词就用学术研究了。毕业论文的固定翻译是什么？是gradution thesis吗？　

What 's more, even if facts will support that there is really a[an] enhancement in the job-finding of the graduates in PTC, [the]mere fact that job-op programs has taken place in PTC is sufficient that this enhancement attributes to the program. It's quite possible that some other policies propelled by the college have helped to gain opportunities for its graduates in the job market.[最好能具体写出有哪些可能] 这是我限时快到的地方，因为很着急写了许多空话，改在下面了，再帮我看看吧:)Unless the author rules out possibility that some other policies rather than job-op, has contribute to the success recently, the conclusion is ungrounded.

what's more, even if the number of students who find jobs right after graduation does increase, the mere fact that PTC has carried out the job-op program is insufficient to support that this increase attribute to the program. It's equally possible that the college has planned a vis-a-vis conference between entreprises and graduates on campus, which offers more oppotunities for graduates to seek for proper jobs. Without ruling out other possibility, the author's conclusion that the program has had a positive effect on graduates with their application for a job is indefensible.

谢谢你的评语，确实说得很对，其实你补充的那些错误在列提纲时我都找出来了，但是写着写着就丢了，看见前面的错只顾着批，没有仔细想哪些是可以一笔带过的。不过我好象在书上看见过，不一定要把所有的错都找出来，写最主要的三四个就行了，再多就合在一起或者错不太要紧就干脆不写，可不可以呢？

写argu的时候总觉得就是那些套话和常用的句式词语，今天写的时候总想换些更精当的，苦于一时想不出，总是停着把时间耽误了。还有我的语言的确不够简练，以前常犯的毛病就是字数写得不少，但问题并没有说完，以后要多练习写概括性的信息量比较大的句子才好。
:handshake:)

OceanDUID: 2118730

是graduation thesis. 这我就明白了。
错误好像是不用全写，但是主要的应该写。我觉得你二三四段都是围绕文中给的一条证据写得，另外两条多少应该批批。
呵呵，我提的那些我也做不到，大家一起努力吧