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标题: 针对issue典型错误来练练挑刺+引以为戒 22楼新增issue7---终于开窍了 [打印本页]

作者: imong 时间: 2006-8-27 00:25:30 标题: 针对issue典型错误来练练挑刺+引以为戒 22楼新增issue7---终于开窍了

如题

114."Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that considers technological innovations took place in daily life用词错误导致语法错误这里的前半句和后半句组不成分句关系, severe problems which damages the quality of life such us war, violence, and poverty are still with us. However, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion to the conclusion that technology did not getmake real progress for humanity, while 改成in 然后整个分句放到最前面, however的后面 ignoring certain facts [that technology did improve life qualities]罗嗦删在一句话里说了两遍。. My point of contention？？ with the speaker involves the usage and emendation that technology could brought, as discussed below.不知道要说什么

Admittedly, some places on earth are still suffering from bad conditions nowadays, since greedgreediness? is the essential character of humanity. One's greed can be presented用词不准。Give rise to? as any activities that damaged others lives. The biggest war in history, the World War II, which bringsbrought unforgettable forget不forget不是问题的关键吧。用词仍然不准damages to worldwide humankinds, was evoked by the ill-ambitious词性？ of Hitler and his companions. Although technology was well developed at that time, its huge power was abused by greedy peoplespeople. 连接词用得太糟糕。前言不搭后语。三句话一过去你这段已经变成讨论greediness了基本上从主题跑开If we can not avoid the greediness which made the world unmerciful, the circumstances can never be always pacified. Some places of Africa, where people have plenty of diamond sources, never had a pleasant life with the big treasures. People from other parts of the world, with weapon in their hands, bee to rob those jewelry, killing the man impede them, making the wealthy place a hell. Rarely can human avoid those unpleasant facts with greedy deep in his or her heart.这一段从tS开始基本不切题。不是不能写得看你怎么个写法。intrinsic greediness是可以作为论证technology cannot improve humanity的论据的但是不是让你用来在这儿单花一段来证明greediness本身的这么写出来反映的是构思的时候就没有把事情组织清楚。如果你要同意technology cannot improve humanity的话可以写in the very essence of human nature technology improvement always end up abused to such an extent that whatever consequence blah blah... in the past blah blah... and the underlying whatever has been even more widespread nowadays blah blah... 如果你打算这么写的话。如果你有类似论据的话。不过我现在还没搞清楚你全篇立场就不知道是不是适合这么修改了。

Nevertheless, the development of innovations did promote human life不搭配。Promote life? to a brand new stage in the past century, considering the right position改 of the powers. Technology is neutral. The great energy concealing1.至少也是concealed 2.conceal用的不对。捉迷藏？最起码embed吧。 in it, which can be used utilize? by any individuals in the world, will bring advancements or declinations?? among the world. Like nuclear energy, used in the World War II by which US made Japan give up the war, can also be available in generating electricity. Nuclear energy can be utilized in terms of the Little Boy and Fat Man over Japan, as well as almost non-depletable source of energy as well. 就写一句对比一下用词和句子结构组织。 Overestimate 词性错the undermine词错 power of technology would unfairly lead to the negligence of the advantages it brought to us. For instance, electricity can be used illegally during some trials,？？ bring pains to someone. But no one would overlook the enormous conveniences it brought to the world by solely concentrating on those unpleasant facts. 论据很浅多数笔墨用作了重复论点

Besides, technology brought more ways to solve the problem than to increase the tragedies, so as to reduce the harm produced by greedy men. With poverties exist词性错 in many cities around world; technology had brought many sufficient ways to improve the condition. By advancing the communication tools, people can talk to anyone on earth by internet or telephone lines, which increased information changes among different districts, therefore add opportunities to develop the living stage of the poor one. Unless inventions could do nothing but decrease human's life quality, technology did improve our lives. With automobile tools commonly used in the new century, transportations among faraway cities are more convenient. Ships, trains and airplanes had largely save time for people, thus promoted commercial interactions among quantity of places.tS写more ways to solve than to increase，后面论据里面对more的支持在哪里？

On the whole, the speaker misevaluated the usage of technology, and fails to value the attitudes of people who take charge of it. Also, the emendation technology did was not take into consideration. Technology did made much strides in humanity.

模仿一下阅读材料里面的用词和句子怎么组织的。
整体的逻辑结构需要清楚的构思。

作者: imong 时间: 2006-8-27 00:28:58

最主要的错误：

词性错
搭配错
用词不准确/用词错
（而且不少...而且都灰常典型的说...）

论证结构
有骨头肉是揉烂的
站不起来

作者: sophia11280 时间: 2006-8-27 08:02:50 标题: WELL DONE! THANK YOU EVRY MUCH

WELL DONE! THANK YOU EVRY MUCH

作者: pewcg8 时间: 2006-8-27 08:54:53

哇,这个时候看到了imong,我还有两天就考试了,没时间细看,但是看到了imong,估计作文就,没问题了.....
感谢imong写的几篇关于A的分析.

作者: trees 时间: 2006-8-27 10:01:24

imong竟然蹦出来这里了. AW 福音啊

作者: irislab 时间: 2006-8-27 10:11:39

提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

作者: expire7 时间: 2006-8-27 11:59:56

imong tree姐都难得过来啊。呵呵。

作者: jalline 时间: 2006-8-27 12:12:09

虽然考过了, 还是支持下, 前辈~

作者: liyue1985 时间: 2006-8-27 12:39:55

哇，要留名的！
明天考试今天就碰到imong,有福气喽:)

作者: flycc28 时间: 2006-8-27 15:09:12

最艰难的时候居然看到了imong~~~~~

power注入`~

作者: quekehanmu 时间: 2006-8-27 18:39:15

imong，给我力量～

作者: ospkk 时间: 2006-8-27 23:58:44

看来被我撞上了，感觉到灵气~~

作者: imong 时间: 2006-8-28 04:22:25 标题: 再贴一篇。

167"It is impossible for an effective political leader to tell the truth all the time. Complete honesty is not a useful virtue for a politician."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that an effective political leader could not be true（歧义） to the public at anytime. However, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion to （这里至少应该加个that）the honesty is useless for a politician（刻意混淆题目？人家说的可是complete honesty。没声响的把定语就扔了？貌似在反对题目实际上是认同题目？开头这里写得比较砸。）, while ignoring certain compelling conditions when the public need the politician be frank to them. From my angle（point）, it is necessary for leaders to keep authentic（用词不当，authentic用来形容古董的） for most of the time.

It is true that politicians must keep secrets in some circumstances. There are two compelling examples to illustrate my reason. One convincing example, that is, when the information is related to classified（？） intelligence, which is strictly withhold（withheld） from the public, it is the leaders （leaders’） responsibility to disguise the facts.（这好像也不怎么convincing） For another strong instance is when the truth, which includes（pertains to?） some messages of the politician’s personal life, would do little harm to the leader's image to the public, like snores during sleeping, or photos of crouching nose.（把整个句子的修饰全砍掉看看你还剩什么：when the truth would do little harm. 主句呢？发现问题了吧。非常典型的错误。） Then, it is unnecessary to report everything to citizens.（后面这个更加八卦一点都不convincing…而且两个例子没一个具体的）

However, the special situations can not be the reasons to impede the public from knowing the facts that they（they指代谁？如果是the public的话就应该砍掉后面的are. 还是典型错误） are needed. In one sense, if the leader makes a mistake to hold information for his or her（his or her --> personal） benefit, it would result in the extreme power which could lead to corruption easily. In another sense, disregarding the public's acknowledge（词性错需要调整） rights would conduct（give rise to?） misinterprets（misinterpretation?） among the society.（用词仍然不准） To demonstrate this point clearly, there is a case which had evoked a worldwide anxiety, that is, SARS.（整句写得罗嗦） When Beijing first come（动词不准主谓不搭配。was first hit by?） out the disease, the government chose （chose to?）keep（withhold） the information to maintain the peaceful（用词不准） social environment. Yet, the leader ignored the severe influential ability of the virus. Though the leader was resigned immediately after the truth comes out, the significant international influence is already exist（exist是动词）.

Besides, an effective political leader must has the ability to differ the information that needs to be published incise（？） from others, or else he or she can be suspected by the faults at any time, which would gain no reputation for the leader. No doubt, completely honesty can not be shown anytime in the political field; however, it is a useful virtue for a politician. When Clinton concealed the facts that he did with his secretary, it is his final explanation with completely honesty appeased the rage from his citizens.

To sum up, the speaker failed to consider the specific unusual times when the politician have to be not honest to the public, and underestimated the differentiated ability of the outstanding political leaders. Frank is a useful virtue for a politician.

（词不达意的问题太普遍了）
（基本没太大展开回应切题一般比上一篇略差。最后两段可以参照前面的评语自己找找问题）

作者: lxmsos 时间: 2006-8-28 09:01:53

传说中的imong到了！
这有一篇活靶子：Issue69 https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-520057-1-1.html

作者: li_siq 时间: 2006-8-28 10:32:00

重出江湖???膜拜ING~~~~
IMONG什么长相的??为什么这么多人喜欢他??

作者: li_siq 时间: 2006-8-28 10:32:54

原帖由 ospkk 于 2006-8-27 23:58 发表
看来被我撞上了，感觉到灵气~~

哇,我的妈!!!IMONG改行当仙丹了!!!

作者: plumsmoon 时间: 2006-8-28 21:45:25

有幸见到 imong出手，真是荣幸

作者: rutee 时间: 2006-8-28 21:57:56

原帖由 li_siq 于 2006-8-28 10:32 发表
重出江湖???膜拜ING~~~~
IMONG什么长相的??为什么这么多人喜欢他??

因为他很牛
看他的追星剑特训
就知道为什么了

作者: imong 时间: 2006-8-31 10:24:50

101."At various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct as a result of natural, rather than human, processes. Thus, there is no justification for society to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that many species' extinctions were result（were results / resulted from） from natural processes in the geological past, rather than human destructions. Actually,（删掉actually） however, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion to the conclusion that society does not have to cost huge money and （huge修饰money还可以后面的job可就没法继续挂了这样并列一读就味道不对。典型错误） jobs to preserve endangered species, while（while用的不对。前后两个分句是构成浅让步或者并列的关系吗？明明是因果关系。） ignoring certain compelling circumstances that people have to make endeavors to save the disappearing species. In my point of view, there are more species disappeared result from（disappeared result from错，自己改。把主谓宾自己挑出来看看到底谁和谁在搭配 --> 是要写species result from human还是disappearance result from human？） human than nature nowadays, and （并列关系？）people become dependent on some of the species.（这句话写得非常糟糕） Thus, people still need to make great efforts in preserving some of the special species.

Admittedly, in the past, natural processes had made many species extinct without any efforts（用词不当） from human, and humanity（用词错） does not has the ability to fight against the mother nature to save them, for instance, dinosaur.（恐龙时代有活人么？） Thousands of years ago, when earth is under the control of （by?）dinosaur, human had not even finished（？） its own evolution. For another thing, dinosaur can not fit today's world.（啥意思？） Hence society should rarely, if ever, make great efforts to revive the species that had been disposed by nature.

However, people have to take the responsibilities of most of the species extinct nowadays, for human destructions（？） such as pollution, deforestations and abuse of hunting had made huge damages to the bio-sphere, which directly leads to the extinction of many species. For example, the Tibet Goat——an amazing creature which can live in the place 4000 meters higher than（higher than --> above） sea level——had been hunted by some crucial（？？？） people without limitation（？打问号的词自己查一下字典再确定到底是什么意思）. The quantity（of what? Should be “Its population” etc） had decreased 90 percent in 10 years, and was going to extinct. Those creatures like Tibet goat which are disappeared（？？？） because human society's destroy（？）, should be preserved despite of enormous efforts, for all the creatures living in the world are equal.（最终原因在此？为什么全篇的重点篇幅不给这里如果把这一点作为论据？）

On the other hand, even if some species, which are already co-exist（are already co-exist?） with human, are not extinct result（？？？） from human behaviors, we still have to preserve them for human's living. A significance case is the bird-flu which is largely spread in 2004. Though millions of ill chickens（chicken好像本身就是复数？） are killed everyday, scientist are still trying to produce vaccines to save people and chickens. As one of the staple（？） foods in many countries, chicken is a vital creature to maintain people's life. As a consequence, although killing might help refrain the contagious virus, human society did put extraordinary efforts to save chickens. In one word, human society has to save some species no matter how difficult it is, for human could not live in the world without them. （The topic states that it’s no need for people to save endangered species purposefully. Are, and if so, how are the chicken endangered?）

All in all, the speaker failed to consider that human destructions have already lead to some nature disasters which made the average extinction in the world reaches 4 species everyday. Insofar as some endangered species are not decreased（？） by human, people still have to save them for our own living.

几篇下来基本没任何改观...以后不贴了...

作者: imong 时间: 2006-8-31 10:42:31

3篇文章基本上都是同样的问题。彼此之间没有什么太大改观。

我觉得如果后面的文章还都是这个样子重复劳动也没有必要了。

就好比前两篇没必要看到结尾一样

除了我说的阅读你可以自己再把自己写过的文章重新梳理一遍

把评语犯的错误横向总结一遍看看都是哪些问题反反复复的出现

然后下一次不要再犯错

最基本的：搭配错用词错。

搭配错给判卷人造成的第一直观印象就是作者不会写英文句子 --> 最基本的主谓宾不搭配。

拿中文你肯定会说我用筷子吃饭

写成英文就变成了我吃筷子是饭。

你看看这3篇文章我给你标出来的几个句子是不是都是这么个道理。

其实很简单。写单个句子的时候整个思路要清晰不要想到哪个词就蹦哪个词。

句子要过脑子对枝干要素敏感。

基本的句子构架不起来很难评点文章所谓思想性立意结构之类的东西。

用词错太多的词不达意从不地道到不知所云

这个没有太多技巧。靠阅读和模仿要积累。

短时间内迅速突破并非手到擒来的简单

但很多时候很多东西就是一层窗户纸的

这一点我看过这么多文章非常有体会

下一篇文章希望可以能有所改观。

作者: jingjingtous 时间: 2006-8-31 11:45:16

辛苦了^_^

作者: imong 时间: 2006-9-11 01:29:18

Issue 7 "The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that the position of video record in documentation is rising nowadays. However, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion to the conclusion that the position of written records is going to be surpassed by video document, while ignoring certain compelling facts that video documentary has certain inherent limitations comparing to written record, and that written record still has its significant status in today's world. Thus, the speaker overestimated the significance of video as a documentary tool.

（这次不错。开头几句话看下来没有让人立刻抓狂的错误。两个小细节：significant status改成significance，因为status在这里不好。另外把最后一句话的Thus去掉，改成The speaker, in general, overestimated… 虽然不是绝对但是第一段里面一般是比较忌讳随便用thus和therefore的。注意我说的是随便用。整体都在总领全文的情况下你的第一段里没有什么可以用thus/therefore来收束的论证然后最后不明不白thus一下这样一来结构性的关键字用串整体结构效果会大打折扣。把这两个地方改了基本开头就是中规中矩的水平了。）

Admittedly, for the purpose of documenting temporal and spatial events and experiences, video records are more accurate and convincing than written records. A diary entry would never "replay" those life events such as wedding, get-together, or surprise birthday party as exactly and objectively as a video record（不搭配最后这里拉下了can do。这样的并列结构里副词怎么可能对应后面的名词来修饰呢? 所以明显是拉下动词了）. And it is also impossible for anyone to detail seminal events like Olympic Games, festival celebrations, or international conferences, no matter how keen an observer（同样的问题如果不换写法就是后面拉下了动词： how good one can be） or skilled a journalist. Therefore, in those respects when moving images are central to an event, the video camera is superior to the written word. （平淡无味论证一般但是比以前几篇有明显进步。）

Nonetheless, in certain other circumstances written records are advantageous to and more appropriate than video documentaries. For example, though video camera can records（can record？基本错误） the accurate spatial and temporal events and experiences, there is no possibility that it can record a person's thoughts, impressions, or reflections of the event or experience.（一般reflection接on. 如果这里耍酷的话可以写成thoughts of, impression by, and reflection on这样的并列。） To the extent that personal comprehension adds dimension（？） and valuation to the record, written documentation is actually more important than video.（所谓论证薄弱体现在这里：这句话是这一段的最核心论据却只提到不展开。） Furthermore, video is of no use in documenting statistical or quantitative（or quantitative删） information like the number of the audience, the gross of the trade, and so forth.（同理以上。）

Moreover, when it comes to certain legal matters（issues）, video documents can not substitute written records. Conceding that video documentaries can play a vital evidentiary role in legal proceedings（processes）, such as robbery, drug trafficking（？）, motor vehicle violations, and even malpractice in a hospital operating room（medical operations）, no one would choose to videotape a complex contractual agreement（？）, or the establishment of a trust. Experience tells us that written record is the most authentic document in today's world, and that no other documentary tools can substitute it right now.（这段内容基本没有讲清楚要/在干什么）

To sum up, the speaker's claim overstates the significance of video records to some extent. The speaker failed to concern（？account for？） those conditions when video documentaries cannot supersede written records. In spite of certain substitutions（？） between（？重写前半句。Substitute一般用of A by B, 而且这里substitute冒的也太突然了点。） written and video records, written records' importance as a record implement did not decreased（后半句同样基本错误自己查。）

（这篇已经开窍了。离真正写好还有一段距离悟明白了就一层窗户纸的事儿。）

作者: imong 时间: 2006-9-11 01:31:16

很容易看得出来进步在哪里了吧。

供各位借鉴下。

作者: imong 时间: 2006-9-11 02:41:58

154. "Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that education is so important that it can not be entirely controlled（非常冲得用词不当。） by professional educators, and that parents and communities should be involved in the local school to strengthen the efforts of a balanced education. However, in my view, most parents have no specialized skills to educate their child on their own. Thus, professional educators still are the leaders in a child's education.（立意不明。这下子被自己模版给套死了吧。假如要最终落脚在强调professional educator才是王道的话最开始就别老I agree with the broad assertion了，就好比来个To certain extent it does hold true that不行么？）

Admittedly, parents should take part in the child's education, for they are the ones who have the authority and the responsibility to make major decisions for the child. Also, in most families, it is parents who spend most of their times with the child. Therefore, they are the first choice for the child to rely on, also with the help from parents and the family can （who can? 写着写着把分句主语晕丢了？）significantly improve the educational efforts to the child. On the other hand, if parents are not that concentrate （concentrated?） on their child, then the communities may have to undertake the responsibility, which has to do with the next generation, to cooperate with local schools. There are many examples like after-class activities charged（由community负责收费？） by the community, inviting parents to the class learning with their child, and more frequently, the parents meeting, all of which proved a better effect to the child's education.

Nevertheless, parents and communities can only take a secondary position during the process of（the process of 删） a child's education. The first reason is that few parents had received（acquired. 类似的单词改动和之前的评语里一样用心体会下单词间的差异） sufficient specialized training on education, though most of them might think they had after gone through formal education themselves. Most parents lack the ability to appreciate what（which?） pedagogical methods are most effective, what constitutes a balanced education, how developmental psychology affects a child's capacity for learning at different levels and at different stages of childhood. Yet professional educators, by virtue of their specialized training in these areas, are far better able to ensure that a child receives a balanced and properly paced education.

Another reason is that most parents would place many subjective ideas into the education process, which can have detrimental consequences to the child. For instance, many parents try to overcome their own shortcomings and failed （unrealized？） self-expectations by the substitution of （?）their children's accomplishments. Under this emotion, how could the parents provide a balanced and properly education to the child? Besides, most parents do not have the ability to scheme a long-term plan for their child, while professional educators have enough empirical examples to help.

To sum up, though parents might seem better motivated to educate the child, a balanced and properly paced education can not be lack of the professional educators. In my point of view, it is necessary for parents and communities to take part in the education process of the child; however, they can only take a subsidiary role for they are short of specialized information.
（表词达意仍然是瑕疵不断不过加起前一篇的表现已经和最初有一个层次的提高了。
这篇文章问题主要在于立意不清论证混乱基本不是很知所云。
看一下相关的文章/经验怎样构架一个有力的论证。）

作者: H-Kevin 时间: 2007-7-11 19:44:44

学习````````

感觉很多人不是来学习文章的，简直就是来追星的;d:

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