argument53 [Jet小组] 第五次作业～～最近总是迟到啊～欢迎大家互改

leftkissUID: 2347956

:)
ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

提纲：
1这种hormone可能影响母亲而非婴儿，即某素对于婴儿的作用不明；
2虽然更可能于秋季受孕，但是没有证据表明就是出生于秋季导致她们害羞；
3婴儿的紧张未必来自于害羞－论据不具体；跟踪中－－仅仅紧张就认为自己害羞（己见），实际也许不是这样，而且儿童时期的羞涩于与后期没有必然联系（因为性格受到多方面的影响）
字数：451~sigh~又迟到了:loveliness: ~加油！！没有限时～写的比较久

This argument drew a conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life through an unconvincing reasoning. Only a study on a quantity of 25 is far from credible. Moreover, the arguer's statement suffered from several logical flaws after close scrutiny.

A threshold problem with the statement lies in the presumption that the a kind of hormone called melatonin produced by the mothers' make the children shyness even lead to a continuous effect in their latter life. However, the arguer provided us no evidence, directly or indirectly, to illustrate the relationship between the two factors. On the other hand, the influence of melatonin mentioned in the argument seems too vague to make any conclusions from it. We even don't know whether the melatonin exert on mothers or the babies conceived in their wombs. Without detailed information about the influence of melatonin any deductions are groundless.

Secondly, the argument shows that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, which is coincident with the increased level of melatonin. The relationship of these two facts is likely to be causal only because the same time they occurred unless further research. The arguer ignores other possibilities which make the infants shyness, such as climate in this area, the condition of living and the situation of the pregnant period. If these are the case, it would undermine the assertion that the increased level of melatonin is the main reason.

Thirdly, the group of 25 infants showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice might only due to the physical discomfort rather than shyness. Without adequate evidence, the arguer could not rule out this probability. More than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy in a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, however, considering that the acquired character influenced by many aspects such as living environment, the education they got and so forth, can we easily draw the conclusion that the shyness continuously come from the unsure infancy effect of a hormone? Probably not. (这个有语法错误么？我不太清楚啊？) On the other hand, the teenagers identified themselves as shy; nevertheless, the fact may be that the distress is just result from the oppression of adolescence rather than shyness as their own opinions. In my view, the argument is untenable ignoring such possibilities.

To sum up, to corroborate the incredible argument, the author must give sufficient evidences showing the accurate relationship between of shyness and hormone called melatonin, detailing the effect of this kind of hormone, ruling out all the other probabilities lying in the way.

留链回拍啊～加油min～na~

[ 本帖最后由 leftkiss 于 2008-2-13 16:57 编辑 ]

poplar87630UID: 2407804

This argument drew a conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life through an unconvincing reasoning. Only a study on a quantity of 25 is far from credible. Moreover, the arguer's statement suffered from several logical flaws after close scrutiny.(第一段简洁 清楚表达自己观点 不错)

A threshold problem with the statement lies in the presumption that the a kind of hormone called melatonin produced by the mothers'(mothers) make the children shyness(and  并列的不能有两个谓语) even lead to a continuous effect in their latter life. However, the arguer provided us no evidence, directly or indirectly, to illustrate the relationship between the two factors. On the other hand, the influence of melatonin mentioned in the argument seems too vague to make any conclusions from it. We even don't know whether the melatonin exert on mothers or the babies conceived in their wombs. Without detailed information about the influence of melatonin any deductions are groundless.

Secondly, the argument shows that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, which is coincident with the increased level of melatonin. The relationship of these two facts is likely to be causal only because the same time they occurred unless(换个词 这个意思表达不对) further research. The arguer ignores other possibilities which make the infants shyness, such as climate in this area, the condition of living and the situation of the pregnant period. If these are the case, it would undermine the assertion that the increased level of melatonin is the main reason.

Thirdly, the group of 25 infants showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice might only due to the physical discomfort rather than shyness.(这个A的批驳点很多 最好不要用这个) Without adequate evidence, the arguer could not rule out this probability. More than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy in a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, however, considering that the acquired character influenced by many aspects such as living environment, the education they got and so forth, can we easily draw the conclusion that the shyness continuously come from the unsure infancy effect of a hormone? Probably not. (这个有语法错误么？我不太清楚啊？) On the other hand, the teenagers identified themselves as shy; nevertheless, the fact may be that the distress is just result from the oppression of adolescence rather than shyness as their own opinions. In my view, the argument is untenable ignoring such possibilities.

To sum up, to corroborate the incredible argument, the author must give sufficient evidences showing the accurate relationship between of shyness and hormone called melatonin, detailing the effect of this kind of hormone, ruling out all the other probabilities lying in the way.(the last section 概括的不错)


你的作文已经用word 改过了吧  语法错误和拼写错误很少 而且也不是训练的重点
只把我个人认为你写作中的问题说下吧 你喜欢把很多理由写在一段里面 最好分开写  不然会给老外一种印象--你的逻辑混乱 所以最好一个论点一段

如果有说的不对的地方请多包含 希望对你有帮助;d: ;d: