【Daily Writing作文特训小组】by TONY998作业帖

mpromanusUID：2565872

Tony998 发表于 2012-7-12 11:57
7.12 independent writing一篇：还没有上传附件的权限的说。。。

Nowadays, because of the relevant po ...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.


Nowadays, because of a (If 'the' is used, this 'policy' is understood to be either mentioned previously or commonly acknowledged as singularly specific.) relevant policy in China, more and more families have only one child, the words like “brother” and “sister” have almost disappeared from our sight. Parents think that their children should walk on the road (I'm not really sure why walking on the road is relevant to the discussion.) and do not make any mistakes in their life which they (Who? The children or their parents?) have well planned and do not make any mistakes in their life for this is the only baby they have. (I'm pretty confused by the repetition of 'do not make any mistakes..' in this sentence, and the use of 'they'. If you can't express your ideas clearly with a proper complex sentence, then don't try too hard..use shorter but correct sentences works a lot better.) In my point of view, it is the mistake that makes kids to do the right things. (I'm not sure if this 'it' refers to the actions of parents you described in the previous sentence, or something else. I understand what you are trying to say, but your meaning is not expressed clearly at all.)

To begin with , a man cannot avoid to make mistakes all life (This expression is ambiguous because 'all life' can modify 'avoid' or 'make mistakes'. The meanings are only slightly different though.).Even Zeus---The lord of God (Zeus is not the lord of God – the singular word 'God' with capital 'G' specifically means the Christian God. Zeus is the principal god of the Greek gods - notice small letter 'g'.) often make mistakes (But Zeus is not a human being - so your comparison doesn't really hold.) .As long as we are human beings ,we will have delicate emotions towards every things in life ,and thus mistakes cannot be completely avoided ,although it is annoyed (First, I don't know what 'it' is; second, I think you mean to say 'mistakes are annoying'..please be consistent with singular/plural.).When we cannot escape from it ,we face it .So as our mistakes. (Again I'm not sure what this 'it' is. 'mistakes' is plural.)

Moreover, it is the mistake (If you say THE mistake, it means there's one specific mistake you're discussing..) that makes yourself approach to perfect (I think you mean something like 'drive yourself to perfection..').No one is born to be perfect. For a child, the mistake is the precious in their life: It is the first lie that teaches them to be honest; it is the first slip up that makes them careful; it is the first rebel that rebuilds their qualities .Mistake is part of one’s life, the crucial part. (Right, but you've only discussed the 'mistake' part of the question, and not the rest of the question: that the mistakes have to be the ones that the children themselves make..if you only need mistakes to learn from, then you can learn from other people's mistakes too.. and the parents could just use other people's mistakes as examples to warn their children..)

Additionally ,mistakes lets children learn to be tolerant and kind .The mistakes we make everyday force us to understand that we are not geniuses as we have imagined .As a result ,when we notice that everyone around us is making mistakes ,we cannot be arrogant but tolerant instead ,even if the mistake troubles ourselves. Nobody is perfect, but everyone can encourage each other to get rid of it. (The question doesn't specifically mention getting rid of mistakes, so why do you think it is relevant and needs to be addressed here?)

To sum up, mistake is not like a plague; in contrast we should face it, learn from it, and encourage others to get rid of it. so as to make us stronger and stronger.(True, but the question is not just about 'mistakes' in general. It is a very specific question about parents allowing their children to make mistakes and to learn from the mistakes. Every part of this question contributes to its overall meaning, and the question needs to be addressed as a whole sentence. You're only focusing on one single word in the sentence and therefore never quite actually answered the question..)

总结：

请注意单复数、冠词和代词的使用。。尤其是代词，经常是我觉得你知道你想说神马但是我不知道你到底想说神马。。= =

论述方面很典型的只看到题目里的一个名词就开始往盘子里捡菜。。这个问题不是关于犯错误的意义的，是关于父母对待孩子犯的错误的态度。。所以你只顺着‘错误’一个词往下写自然就变成又大又空了。。


附：求改不一定要发附件的，但请不要把作文直接贴在我的主帖楼里哈~你可以继续用这个帖子发作文，到我的主帖回帖说明帖子地址/求改的作文的楼数就可以了~谢谢合作~鞠躬~

mpromanusUID：2565872

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Recently, we have so many sources of news and information, so that we cannot tell which one is the real one or who is telling the truth.

The past decades have seen the remarkable changes in technology. Coming to an age of information has greatly changed people’s horizon (I'm not quite sure what 'people's horizon' means here, but usually horizons in the metaphorical sense is broadened, not 'changed'..). Some people claim that the big bang of information disables them from telling which one ('one' what? horizon?) is correct or not, which I am strongly against.

First and foremost, we cannot deny that we are in an information age where messages spread out in the air (I'm not sure what you mean to convey here. Messages physically being spread out in the air would be rather comical, so it sounds like you're describing radio, which is quite a thing of the past by now. Otherwise, most informational signals are now physically carried by cables – the internet, the television and all.). Through the internet, we can have access to the message we want to know without a second (The negation of 'within' is not 'without'..).

Additionally, the newly born media like microblog and Facebook have greatly promoted the traditional media to improve the speed of information spreading. Pressing a few buttons on your phone, you can have what you have seen and what you have heard spread out as far as you want, no matter it is true or not.

However, this cannot be the excuse that we cannot tell the truth ourselves. Before the internet has been applied widely, we cannot even know the people in a nearby city, not to speak of international news. (There was this thing called radio broadcast..) At that time, we have nearly no idea about what is going on outside. Back to now, we can have access to any information we want, the only thing we need to do is to find the real one among them. Which is easier now? (I don't know which is easier. You're supposed to argue and persuade me that one is easier than the other, and so far you've only described the two sides being compared..)

Moreover, we have many effective ways to help us find out what is true. We can use a search engine to help sort information out and get the really useful intelligence. (A search engine doesn't sort information for you..it only provides a list of relevant sources, and it's up to you to sort the information out yourself..) Also we can put our problems on the internet to let others to give suggestions. (But how would you know whose suggestion is truly useful or genuine?) For us, being rational and calm in analyzing information really matters a lot. If we can use these resources and have an eagle's eye, it will be an easy job to find out the truth.

In a nutshell, having a lot of options is better than having nothing. Using the convenience that technology has brought to us and our great brain, truth can hide no more. (Right, but the human brain would have limits – and this is actually what the question is all about: that having too many sources of information would overwhelm our judgment so we can't tell which sources are true, or are not true. You've basically focused only on 'information', and beaten around the point about using one's judgment, but there's not much solid argument on how exactly using one's judgment would cope with 'so many sources' in particular.)

总结：

这篇文还是很空的说。。基本上你就讲了两点：1 现在的信息是很多，但是我们还是可以看出真假 2 我们要用脑就可以看出信息真假。。问题是你没法/没有通过论述的方式支持你的要点，你所提出的两点都只是停留在unsupported statement/claim。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

Tony998 发表于 2012-7-18 10:49
感谢你的修改，的确我的这篇文章在论述展开方面存在着问题，可能我还没有这个意识，不知道romanus老师 ...

托福作文一般是用例子展开论述，比如，虽然网上很多各种新闻图片，但是仔细看看就能从影子啊风的方向啊背景建筑啊酱油人物啊等等细节看出到底图是不是真的符合新闻内容，或者是不是被PS过的。。所以‘好好思考[新闻图片的细节]就可以辨别[新闻图片的]真伪’。你的论点就是停留在理论级别，没有去想‘那么实际生活中我要碰到怎样的情形就可以说这证明了<我的论点>’，或者‘我是基于什么样的事实而推论出<我的论点>’。。

如果不能很快的想出合适的例子来展开，建议换个论点。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

Tony998 发表于 2012-7-19 10:38
是不是说说理论证在托福写作中效果不大的意思啊

说理论证你也要有推论的过程，你的论点是基于什么样的道理，如何推论出来的，为什么这个道理可以推出这个论点，为什么这个道理和这个论点有关联有可比性，这都是要清晰展现出来的。。并不是说不用具体例子光讲理论就叫作说理了。。你的文章是既没有说出理又没有例子，只是在罗列事实和观点而已。。