4月批改活动

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老师好，4月25号一战，希望老师能指点不足~~~


Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

With the development of science and technology, people now can better know the news about celebrities, and thus there are more scandals reported by media. Some people may hold the view that scandals can have a bad effect on an individual or a certain country. From my perspective, I might agree with that scandals can be useful even if they do have some disadvantages.

scandal不仅仅是关于名人的吧 你第一句就把自己的范围限制了 你确定要这么写么
might agree 这里might 用得不合适
agree with that 不要with  
请你去看看我的1+3模型  对主旨句的要求  




In the dictionary, the word "scandal" is defined as the news that reveals a mysterious event by the way that beyond the restriction of values and laws. For the public effect, scandals sometimes indeed can greatly concentrate public attention on something that always ignored by people. To illustrate, Snowden, who revealed the hacking scandal of the United States government, let people all over the world became more cautious about their information safe. However, according to a recent research appeared in the journal Information Security in 2005, nearly 3/4 subjects suggested that they would never mind when someone asked them for their phone number or ID card number. Moreover, a large number of social revolutions were instigated by scandals, such as the February Revolution in France and the October Revolution in Russia. People always become extremely exasperated and discontent with the society especially after hearing some bad news of their leaders, which rendered them to work together to rebel against the government and thus sometimes make thoroughly change of the society. Consequently, scandals can be useful from this perspective.

something that always ignored 基本语法错误
information safe 语法
according to a recent research appeared in the journal Information Security 语法
整段没有一个明确的中心  先说Snowden 又扯到法国大革命  
完全没有上道啊  建议你先模仿几篇范文吧  



However, the revelation of the scandal could do much harm to our society either. To illustrate, the reason why media or individuals report the scandal of celebrities or society is just hoping to meet people's own curiosity, such as reporting a certain movie star's private life or criticizing false decision made by government exaggeratedly. In this way, scandals can hurt the sense of trust and security that among people, which will also render people become less confidence in the government and thence cause the unstableness of society. For example, the breakdown of the Soviet Union was that nobody trust their leader's capacity anymore after hearing their leaders’ corrupt life. Consequently, scandals that only made for produce sensations are useless and could be harmful to us.

Further, admittedly scandals could let us know the fault of a certain people or government, a healthy social system can't just rely on scandals to find their problems. Take a government as an example, it's safe to say that the government is at the edge of corruptive when scandals are the only way to know their flaws, which suggests the lack of necessary supervising mechanisms and dereliction of people that work in the government. Accordingly, both ordinary people and the government should treat such problems seriously, as all of us want to live a peaceful life and inevitably don't want to suffer disasters caused by the society corruption.

To sum up, although there are some problems brought by scandals, scandals can be good for us anyway. From a microscopic perspective, they can seriously make us solve the problems an individual would have, from a macroscopic perspective, they can boost the development of a whole society.

---

Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

With the development of science and technology, people now can better know the news about celebrities, and thus there are more scandals reported by media. Some people may hold the view that scandals can have a bad effect on an individual or a certain country. From my perspective, I might agree with that scandals can be useful even if they do have some disadvantages.

In the dictionary, the word "scandal" is defined as the news that reveals a mysterious event by the way that beyond the restriction of values and laws. For the public effect, scandals sometimes indeed can greatly concentrate public attention on something that always ignored by people. To illustrate, Snowden, who revealed the hacking scandal of the United States government, let people all over the world became more cautious about their information safe. However, according to a recent research appeared in the journal Information Security in 2005, nearly 3/4 subjects suggested that they would never mind when someone asked them for their phone number or ID card number. Moreover, a large number of social revolutions were instigated by scandals, such as the February Revolution in France and the October Revolution in Russia. People always become extremely exasperated and discontent with the society especially after hearing some bad news of their leaders, which rendered them to work together to rebel against the government and thus sometimes make thoroughly change of the society. Consequently, scandals can be useful from this perspective.

However, the revelation of the scandal could do much harm to our society either. To illustrate, the reason why media or individuals report the scandal of celebrities or society is just hoping to meet people's own curiosity, such as reporting a certain movie star's private life or criticizing false decision made by government exaggeratedly. In this way, scandals can hurt the sense of trust and security that among people, which will also render people become less confidence in the government and thence cause the unstableness of society. For example, the breakdown of the Soviet Union was that nobody trust their leader's capacity anymore after hearing their leaders’ corrupt life. Consequently, scandals that only made for produce sensations are useless and could be harmful to us.

Further, admittedly scandals could let us know the fault of a certain people or government, a healthy social system can't just rely on scandals to find their problems. Take a government as an example, it's safe to say that the government is at the edge of corruptive when scandals are the only way to know their flaws, which suggests the lack of necessary supervising mechanisms and dereliction of people that work in the government. Accordingly, both ordinary people and the government should treat such problems seriously, as all of us want to live a peaceful life and inevitably don't want to suffer disasters caused by the society corruption.

To sum up, although there are some problems brought by scandals, scandals can be good for us anyway. From a microscopic perspective, they can seriously make us solve the problems an individual would have, from a macroscopic perspective, they can boost the development of a whole society.

锤先森G330UID：3603995

Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

老师好，看了您的1+3模型和博客里的相关内容，把上次有很大问题的ISSUE4 仔细修改了一下，烦请老师再次过目，谢谢~

Scandals become more ubiquitous with the development of the mass media. Compared with people lived in 30 years before, scandals about celebrities, politicians or athletes could be known by people every day. While it is true that scandals sometimes could have negative effect on our daily life, I believe that scandals can have more good influence on people. After elaborating these two points, I would address the argument that people should treat such scandals correctly in order to make good use of them.

people lived in 30这里要用从句
感觉你的主旨句还是未能充分回应题目 题目里的关键词是useful 以及 bring attention



To begin with, scandals can have a bad influence on our society. To illustrate, the reason why media or individuals report the scandals is just hoping to meet people's own curiosity, such as reporting a movie star's private life or over criticizing false decision made by government. In this way, scandals can hurt the sense of trust and security that existing among people, which will also render people become less confidence in the government and thence even cause the unstableness of society. For example, the breakdown of the Soviet Union was that nobody trust their leader's capacity anymore after hearing their leaders’ corrupt life. Consequently, scandals that only made for produce sensations are useless and could be harmful to us.

这里的bad influence和题目的关联在哪里？  


Further, for many times, scandals are useful for us. On the one hand, they can greatly concentrate public attention on something that always been ignored. To illustrate, recent people usually ignore their information safety. For instance, they can tell their ID number to strangers easily. Fortunately, the hacking scandal reported by Snowden let people all over the world became increasingly cautious about their information safety. On the other hand, revealing social scandals can bring about necessary social revolutions, such as the February Revolution in France and the October Revolution in Russia, which promote societies toward good directions. Through such revolutions social structures was greatly changed so that people at that time could get better social service. In other words, scandals make contribution to making people live a better lives.

我觉得这段重点讨论Snowden的例子就可以了  没必要再讲什么革命 关键是要解释例子如何支持观点 而你的主题句其实没有一个具体的观点 scandals are useful for us 这样说是不够的  
原题有一个原因状语从句 - because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could 你怎么能视而不见呢  你在主题句中要指出scandal可以如何 focus public attention 做不到这一点你就无法回应题目  

不知道你看了我博客220楼的范文没

你看我写的主题句都是紧扣题目的

To begin with, the attention from the public after a scandal does not necessarily focus on the right issue.

In addition, when a scandal is involved in powerful corporation, a professional public relations team will very quickly take actions to address the crisis and divert the public attention from the right issues.

Some people may argue that scandals are still useful in creating pressure to push the government to reform.

三个分论点都没有脱离attention的问题



Finally, government or individual should not ignore the influence about scandals. Take a government for an example. It's safe to say that a government is at the edge of corruption when scandals are the only way to know their flaws, which suggests the lack of necessary supervising mechanisms and dereliction of people that work in the government. Similarly, an individual can’t be success if he or she can’t recognize their own faults without scandals. Accordingly, both ordinary people and government should treat such scandals seriously, which means we can’t just overlook the negative effect of the scandals.



To sum up, while some scandals will negative impacts on us, most scandals can be useful for our whole society. From a microscopic perspective, they can seriously make us solve the problems an individual would have, from a macroscopic perspective, they can boost the development of a whole society. Thus, we should treat scandals seriously in order to get such benefits.

锤先森G330UID：3603995

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-4-6 16:48
Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or ...

谢谢老师。。。。继续改！

锤先森G330UID：3603995

老师好，看了您的建议和博客里的相关内容后今天练习了一篇issue 82, 望您过目。issue4发现自己对题意理解还是有问题。。。遂继续改之
82  Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.


My response:

With the globalization of education, there are increasing number of people suggest that colleges and universities should require their students to study aboard for at least one year, because they hold the view that students who study aboard will become more competitive in today’s world. While it is true that requiring students to spend time on studying aboard could have many benefits, I believe that studying aboard sometimes will also bring some problems for a student. After elaborating these two points, I would address the argument that schools should encourage students to study aboard just depend on their personal situation.

To begin with, studying aboard has many benefits. On the one hand, it will enable students to know different culture in the world, which can’t be experienced in their own countries. On the other hand, it will broaden student’s eyes and enrich their knowledge, which is beneficial for their academic skills. To illustrate, Chinese college student who studies the European art will have a precious chance to fully experience it, if he or she could spend time on studying a European country. Because in China, European art major students can’t have as many chances as students in Europe to see the real masterpieces of some European artists, which makes their study more abstract. Consequently, requiring students study aboard will bring facilities to their learning and have positive effects on their personal development.

Further, requiring students study aboard will also bring many problems to both students and colleges. First and foremost, not all students could afford the fee when they choose to study aboard. For instance, not to mention studying aboard, in China, many students even couldn’t afford their fees of studying in domestic universities even if government has already put much effort to solve their financial problems. Moreover, different countries have varieties of culture, religious beliefs and life styles, which may make students difficult to adapt to their lives. And students can’t pay attention to their studies if they can’t adapt in foreign country’s life. What’s more, if the country that student choose to study in is suffering war or natural disaster, it will be difficult for colleges to ensure their country. In such situations the disadvantages outweigh the benefits for both students and schools. For students, they can’t learn much knowledge because their personal safety can’t be ensured; for schools, sending students study outside without letting them study enough knowledge may do harm to the school’s reputations. Hence, students shouldn’t be required to study aboard from this perspective.   

Finally, it seems to me that universities should encourage students to study aboard when they could solve their financial problems and have enough social experience. Plus, in order to let college students get better education, universities or colleges could hire famous scholars, experts from other countries as their teacher to teach students, which enable more students to have good classes at the same time. On the one hand, requiring students to have such classes not only save their money to study aboard, but also help them become well prepared for the future study life aboard. On the other hand, colleges and universities will benefit for having such famous professors in school, which will greatly enhance the school’s reputation. Obviously, it’s an win-win strategy.

To sum up, while requiring students to study aboard may be beneficial for students, people shouldn’t ignore the problems it has. Thus, colleges and universities shouldn’t require all students study aboard but encourage them to study in a foreign country when the time is right.

锤先森G330UID：3603995

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-7 20:24
你试下按这几个问题自评一下

主旨句是否充分回应题目？

老师好。。。以下是我的理解，理解不当的地方请见谅
With the globalization of education, there are increasing number of people suggest that colleges and universities should require their students to study aboard for at least one year, because they hold the view that students who study aboard will become more competitive in today’s world. （While it is true that requiring students to spend time on studying aboard could have many benefits, I believe that studying aboard sometimes will also bring some problems for a student. After elaborating these two points, I would address the argument that schools should encourage students to study aboard just depend on their personal situation.）


加括号的这一句是我想写的主旨句，模仿老师的1+3模型，题目说college should require their students at least one semester studying in a foreign country, 所以我在主旨句里面提到了应该要求和不应该求的两个方面，后来说到了学校应该以情况而定，这应该算一个复杂的观点了吧我觉得...我当时在写的时候还在想需不需要注意one year这个地方...后来觉得这里还是不好处理，就省掉了...这样做知道不太好，但一时想不出别的方法...

你这个主旨句别人看了还是不知道你想说什么 你可以考虑具体说明有什么好处和问题
而且你这样写还是会存在前后矛盾的问题  建议你看看我的分情况讨论的思路   博客51楼
这道题我之前和其他同学讨论过的 2楼有目录可以查到  




To begin with, （studying aboard has many benefits.）
[这是第一段的主题句，意在回应主旨句中第一个部分,对应主题的话就是要求学生出国学习好，我想问下这里是不是直接点透应该会更好一些？就是说要求学生出国会怎么怎么样... 就是改成requiring students study aboard at least one year has many benefits.....]

On the one hand, it will enable students to know different culture in the world, which can’t be experienced in their own countries. On the other hand, it will broaden student’s eyes and enrich their knowledge, which is beneficial for their academic skills. To illustrate, Chinese college student who studies the European art will have a precious chance to fully experience it, if he or she could spend time on studying a European country. Because in China, European art major students can’t have as many chances as students in Europe to see the real masterpieces of some European artists, which makes their study more abstract.
[上面这句是解释例子如何有利的，因为中国没有太多机会领略到杰作，所以出去好]
(Consequently, requiring students study aboard will bring facilities to their learning and have positive effects on their personal development.)[以上这是我对例子的评价，说要求学生出去学习对发展和学习都有好处，好处也是支撑了Tp中的观点了吧，]

Further, requiring students study aboard will also bring many problems to both students and colleges. [第二个Tp，回应了主旨句的第二点，感觉还是应该直接说不应该require才对。。。]
First and foremost, not all students could afford the fee when they choose to study aboard. For instance, not to mention studying aboard, in China, many students even couldn’t afford their fees of studying in domestic universities even if government has already put much effort to solve their financial problems. Moreover, different countries have varieties of culture, religious beliefs and life styles, which may make students difficult to adapt to their lives. And students can’t pay attention to their studies if they can’t adapt in foreign country’s life. What’s more, if the country that student choose to study in is suffering war or natural disaster, it will be difficult for colleges to ensure their country. In such situations the disadvantages outweigh the benefits for both students and schools.[上面都是不好的例子，都在说送出去学不好的地方] For students, they can’t learn much knowledge because their personal safety can’t be ensured; for schools, sending students study outside without letting them study enough knowledge may do harm to the school’s reputations. Hence, students shouldn’t be required to study aboard from this perspective.   [解释了一下为什么送出去会给学生和学校带来负面影响，因为他们不能让学生学到东西，而且不能保证学生安全，对于学校来说会对学校名誉造成损害]

Finally, it seems to me that universities should encourage students to study aboard when they could solve their financial problems and have enough social experience.[这是第三个tp,讲不应该要求，应该等情况合适了再鼓励出去] Plus, in order to let college students get better education, universities or colleges could hire famous scholars, experts from other countries as their teacher to teach students, which enable more students to have good classes at the same time. [在这里举了一个相反的例子来折中，说学校的一种替代方案]On the one hand, requiring students to have such classes not only save their money to study aboard, but also help them become well prepared for the future study life aboard. On the other hand, colleges and universities will benefit for having such famous professors in school, which will greatly enhance the school’s reputation.[通过引述例子来说明折中方案是可以的] Obviously, it’s an win-win strategy.

To sum up, while requiring students to study aboard may be beneficial for students, people shouldn’t ignore the problems it has. Thus, colleges and universities shouldn’t require all students study aboard but encourage them to study in a foreign country when the time is right.
以上就是我这篇写作的思路，现在有个疑惑的问题就是，我在看一些材料，比如5.5那本书的时候讨论第三段，有的时候说正，有时反，也有合或散的情况，这篇文章的第三段受了那个影响，但是每每写散的文章的时候都害怕自己会跑题，正好借这个机会问老师这种思路是否可取。。。
初学者，分析很多不到位的地方，请老师见谅。虽然425考，但很遗憾作文正式写有点晚。。。

锤先森G330UID：3603995

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-7 20:24
你试下按这几个问题自评一下

主旨句是否充分回应题目？

这篇文章昨天写好的第一稿，看老师的自评法自己判断了以后才发上来。。但是肯定有很多理解不到位的地方。。。

锤先森G330UID：3603995

老师好我又来咯~看了您推荐的相关帖子今天晚上茅塞顿开啊！之前用5.5的思路来写最后一点总是感觉很难受，看了老师的分类讨论法感觉写起来舒服多了！丑闻那篇本来来论坛之前已经改好了现在想用新思路再试一下！今晚利用老师的开头句和帖子中的一些例子写了issue 105/106/126, 粘在下面，可能今晚的开头段结尾段有点简单，还是望老师继续多多提意见！

105/106/126
Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.
Reason: People who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.

My response:

Whether the statement is true or not depends on which kind of job is done by people. For groups of people whose job related to history philosophy or psychology, the imagination obviously becomes more essential. While for people whose work is artist, engineer or scientists, having more experience becomes more precious asset.

To begin with, for those people who are politicians, psychologists or historians, knowledge plays an essential role in their career. Imagination can’t solve such a problem like what the government should do in order to enhance their economy. To solve a social issue, like the innovation of medical care system of the America, experts in relevant fields can’t just sit in a small room, staring out of the window and hoping for good ideas coming into the mind suddenly. Instead, people who are equipped with necessary knowledge will work out a certain solution. In order to come up with a sound system of medical care, people need to know the needs of those who will get benefits and those who will pay for such a policy, which can’t be accomplished without economic knowledge. Consequently, in realistic fields like this, requirement of knowledge overwhelms that of imagination.

Further, for such people who are scientists or engineers, the importance of imagination is superior to knowledge, because they have to find a totally new way in order to solve some tricky problems that lie in unknown fields. To illustrate, in the late nineteenth century, almost all physicians asserted that physics had become a sound subject and there are only a few things to do for the future physicians. While Albert Einstein noticed something inaccuracy in a theory that can’t be corrected by classical theories, which enable him imaged about a totally new method, named quantum theory to explain the cause of such errors. Well, it’s obviously that the method Einstein proposed by his imagination laid the foundation of the modern technology. Therefore, knowledge is capable of when utilized for science, going further more than imagination.

However, even though imagination is thought significant in some fields like art, no one can be safe to say that the progress made in art can be achieved without certain knowledge. Van Gogh, though didn’t get formal education, couldn’t display his talent if he knew nothing about how to mix red, blue and yellow into more sophisticated colors; nor would he finish such masterpieces like Sunflowers without necessary knowledge of three dimensions. Hence, for such fields in which imagination becomes a powerful factor to influence individual’s achievements, we should forget that it is relevant knowledge that help them convert their ideas into real masterpieces.

To sum up, knowledge is much more significant than imagination in fields that require thinking; in such fields that require creativity, people can’t make progress without the help of large amount of knowledge and sparkling imagination.

锤先森G330UID：3603995

纪晓晴 发表于 2015-4-12 10:08
因为没有写过这样的claim reason的文章，所以就学习了一下同学的文章，看过之后有个小疑问想要请教老师和 ...

去翻一下老师的写作6分博客吧，里面的1+3模型蛮好的~