作文修改小超人（停止修改）

yuki222UID：2364031

小超人搞的这个活动非常有意义啊，受益非浅～～
看大家作文中的不足之处，发现好多正是自己常犯的错误，很值得借鉴！
总之，谢谢楼主，祝你考好！

破海沧澜UID：2401581

Popsywinter

能帮我也改一篇么?太感谢了~

115. Some people prefer to plan activities for their free time very carefully. Others choose not to make any plans at all for their free time. Compare the benefits of planning free-time activities with the benefits of not making plans. Which do you prefer — planning or not planning for your leisure time? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your choice.

After a long period of study or work, some leisure time is so precious that we don’t want to waste even one minute of it. To use it to the fullest, some people prefer to make a detailed plan while some others choose to leave everything open and relax themselves to the maximum extend. Although I can see benefits of both ways, personally, I would choose not planning for my leisure time.

(Fatigue is a problem prevailing in the general public. To cope with the social pressure and working exhaustion, holidays is indispensable. Currently, it has been widely acknowledged that modern citizens need free time for relaxation and recuperation. However, whether people should make a plan about their free time is still controversial. A fair portion of people to make a plan for a holiday constrain the holiday itself, which unconsciously darken the holiday days. It could not be from truth. From my perspective, although both planning and not planning have their distinctive advantages, in effect, in terms of planning the free time, the defect outweighs the merit.)

The advantage of planning our free time is that we would be prepared for all kinds of situations. For examples, if we planned to go for a trip, we would have done all the jobs before we leave, like booking the tickets, making reservation of hotel rooms, hiring a car, etc. Also, with a guidebook at hand we will never get lost. We know where to visit, which restaurant to eat and what to buy because we had done some research and planned everything carefully.
(Transparently, people could not conceal the fact that, to some extent, planning free time may benefit an individual. Suppose we are to travel to some place with glorious cultures, such as India, planning about the trip (reading books about India, search the Internet for related information…) may enable us to know more about their art, history, architecture, and so on forth. In this sense, traveling would be comparatively meaningful and travelers could learn a lot effectively.)

A trip without any planning may not go smoothly （好）as a planned one。 however, in my opinion （from my perspective, from my standpoint, in the point of my view, as far as I am concerned, 以后多积累一些替换的东西，高中都用的东西就抛弃吧！）, that is exact benefit of going spontaneous. Not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow is so exciting and I think, is the essential of a trip （这句话chinglish严重！，我的修改：Oftentimes travelers are willing to set out a journey without arrangement, considering it exciting to go through the unpredicted experience.我写的这句话可能也有一点用词不当，注意。）. Instead of sticking to a schedule, I could go anywhere and do anything I like. If it is a sunny day and I am in a mood for swimming, I would take my swimming suit at once and go the seaside. I would like to feel totally free in my free time, but not retrained within some plans that made by myself. Also, if we leave everything open, there might be some surprises. We may find ourselves doing something new that we never planed to try or making friend with total strangers that we meet unexpectedly.

(这个观点不好写，记住，在托福作文中，一定要写好写的观点，而不是写你觉得对的观点。)

Another important reason that I don’t like make plans for leisure time is the tension of
plan-making. Making plans for holidays or vacations could be very stressful because you want to consider every detail and try to make everything both efficient and economic. That is why we often heard the term of “pre-holiday” depression. Leisure time should not be a source of getting nervous, and we should totally relax ourselves and enjoy everything coming.
371字,不限时写的

(这篇文章不是很好,但作者的功底是看得出来的, 继续加油吧!我相信你的潜力是巨大的!!!!
以后有关托福写作的问题，尽量提出来，能帮的我一定帮！！！！也算是报答寄托的一种形式。)

破海沧澜UID：2401581

Topic :   do you agree or disagree with the following statement ? Games are as important for adults as they are for children.

Have you ever been in a game, worked hard with your partners, won the game at last? Have you ever played chess with your friend, beat him\her with your wisdom? Have you ever played cards with your colleagues to relax yourself? If you have never experienced such things, you will never know what you will learn from games. Games can teach us how to trust each other in a team, how to use our wisdom, and how to relax ourselves. (其实我在前面的作文修改里也遇到过相似的排比句，但我并不支持这样的写法，原因有二：1，虽然大家认为排比有气势，但是其实是不好写好的，看看新概念4的Galieo Reborn 那一课里面的第二段, 你就会知道什么是英文是的排比.2. have…..?这样的问句太口语化，写上去作为第一段，实在有失偏颇。下面是我重写的段落：
This is a competitive age. Although our life quality has been promoted a great deal, our feeling of exhaustion has been strong than it was ever was. Accordingly, relaxation is of consequence, especially for adults who spend much time concentrating on their daily work. However, recently a widespread controversy has captured public attention: are games important for adults, too? Proponents of this idea consider it necessary as a crucial way of relaxation and recuperation. On the other hand, opponents find this thought ridiculous for in their sense it is children that play kinds of stupid games. From my personal perspective, I would argue that games are indeed indispensable for the grown-ups, 开头段写得很模版化，这主要是因为在考试之前，一定要形成自己的套路。虽然在前段时间我一直摒弃模版，但现在我又要回归模版，因为考试的时候你是很紧张的，超常发挥几乎不可能。但是，模版一定要是自己的，这样才能得高分！)

The most important benefit of games for adults is to learn how to trust. I once joined an ability widen training. It was a game required one to stand in a higher position, while others stand below, with their hands griped together tightly. Then he\she fell to their hands. At first I was afraid they could not pick me safely, (to be honest, I am very fat.) so I dared not to fall down. At last, with my colleagues’ encourage, I breathed a deep breath, closed my eyes, fell down lightly. To my surprise, I was held safely on their hands. It is a very simple game, but I indeed learned a lot, about how to trust others in teamwork（不错! Body paragraph就这样写`! 用实例支撑观点,并且你的例子用得很到位!! ）.

Another benefit of games is making us wiser. I always play chess with my grandpa, who is a very wise man. By playing chess, he taught me how to think in strategic, how to protect myself by attracting the opponent, and how to change quickly when realizing mistakes, which are so valuable in my real life. When I come across difficult in study, I always remind what I grandpa said while playing chess.

Last but not least, playing games is a good way for adults to release pressure. Nowadays people undergo more pressure than their precursors. Therefore, we try to find someway to relax ourselves. Playing games is a splendid way to release pressure. For example, I always play cards with my colleagues during the working break. We laughed and played jokes with each other, forgot all about the boring work that moment. Furthermore, the atmosphere in the office was more harmonious, we got along more smoothly. Admittedly, games play an important role in children’s growth, they can learn how to get along with the other children, how to behave before strangers, and how to cooperate with others, etc.


From what has been discussed above, we may finally draw the conclusion that games are very important, not only to children, but also to adults. If we make a good use of games, we will be wiser, happier, and more trustful.
(你的文章对应很清晰,是一篇好文章! 我看了你后面的例子,没什么好改的,只是还是要注意开头的打磨.我知道你的开头与后文是一一对应的关系, 但是,,,,, 还是想想办法再改一下! 其实你以后就可以用举事例的方法来组成你的模板. 效果会很不错!! Add oil!!)

破海沧澜UID：2401581

Zjx021

Topics: Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Successful people take new things and take risks rather than the thing that they've done well.

Challenges and new things are prevailing in this exponentially developing world. (Of all the things modern residents ought to handle, various challenges and innovations appear to be crucial.) Some people ignore them or fail to take them into serious consideration (some people fail to take it seriously.) but some people (while some people, 加while 表示对比。), successful people especially, usually courageously step forward, facing them with enough confidence. In fact, this spirit of risking is one of the important factors to success (As a matter of fact, in my sense, to take risk is by all means essential for a success hunter.). I believe that successful people take risks and new things rather than things they've done well on account of the following resons.

First of all, risks or new things bring not olny challenge but rather, opportunities (The first point I would like to emphasize is that to the successful, risk means opportunities. Distinctive from the ordinary people, they are invariably capable of predicting the bright future disguised as temporary hazard．这句话我不敢肯定自己是否表达正确`，作者可以自己查一查). It is unpredicable where things are going but it sure leads to a different world (这句话优点纠结，注意语言的简洁性。). Bill Gates is a compelling example（Perhaps it would suffice to mention…） . （换一个例子比较好，因为太多人举这个例子，用俗了的例子很少有人会感兴趣。比如说我若用很长篇幅举董存瑞炸碉堡的事情（寒… 很考写作功底呢！），吸引力肯定不大，因为你已经将结局烂熟于心。你可以举一下拿破仑。希尔，现代成功学的翘楚。当年他接受了卡耐基的要求，花了一辈子的时间研究成功学，这个例子可以支撑两个观点之中的任何一个。你可以说拿破仑接受了人生挑战而放弃维持原状的念头，也可以说他后来一直都研究成功学，是to do things that they have done well 的典范。） He dropped out the prestigious Harvard University which at that moment numerous people considered insane. but on the other hand, It led Gates to an open market of personal computer and computer softwares.  How great an opportunity it was（口语化严重，今后在写作中不要出现这样的句子。） ! He did take the risk and grasp the chance and finally made his name a household name. There's no doubt that to take the risk is a wonderful way to success in this case.

Secondly, taking risks not only provides one chances but also help one invokes the potential lies within, therefor  the self-value is achieved (In addition, taking risks also benefit an individual in terms of quality. 开头这样写就行了，开头最重要的是简洁，能让读者一下明白你的意思。). According to a recent survey conducted by the Psychology Department of Oxford University, 93% people show amazing ability when facing extreme adversities. This result（用错了！ This theory才对！）can be applied to risk taking. When facing challenges, the situation might elevate your mind and make you even better than before（Facing challenges, a person may pursuit the issue to the best of his/her quality in order to demonstrate his/her own ability.）. For instance, the magician David is always trying new tricks challenging himself and buy successing from new magic, he's getting more and more recognized.

Last but not least, the higher the risk is the better it will be paid back (这个开头不错，用并列比较级开头，既简洁又准确。). In the business world, it is a unspoken rule that the pay back is closely related to level of risk. A large portion of successful people take risks and new thing because of the future benefits. When businessmen make risking investments, they're risking their money into the market and looking forward to more than they've paid. Successful people surely know about this rule and that's why they takes new things and risks. Of course, there's a fair portion of successful people who chose to focus on the things that they've already done well and gotten to the place where his or her career is really thriving, but with the reasons I've listed above, I still strongly agree with the statement that successful people take new things and take risks rather than the things that they've done well.

破海沧澜UID：2401581

Helllo！！！

破海沧澜UID：2401581

大家可以把自己满意的作文贴上来，我会尽量为大家改的！！！！！！:loveliness: :loveliness:

popsywinterUID：2120302

谢谢小超人花这么多时间来帮我看作文甚至改写一部分.我是10月底就要考试了,现在心里最没底的就是作文和口语~作文最近刚开始限时写,觉得在短时间内打开思路,还要注意用词和句式多样性真的挺难的~目前我的感觉是不太想用模板,因为感觉那样花的时间更多,也对自己有所限制.不过其他就算信马由缰地写,大部分句子和文章也都带着我自己固定的风格和套路.请你帮我看看有些什么不当的地方或者严重影响得分的地方~~我希望能在有限的时间里尽量改掉自己能改的地方,确保得分高一点~
非常感谢你的时间~~~


34.Businesses should hire employees for their entire lives. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

There has been  much disagreement over whether entire-life employment is benifical for businesses and working staff. Personally, I would suggst that it is a bad idea and will do harm to  both sides of employment eventually.

As we all know, the orientation of a business is to maximize its profit. To achieve this goal, a company has to improve its products and service constantly to make it stands out in the competing market . Only when employees devote their intellegence and hard work into their jobs, the company could expect an advancement in their products and services. The company should develop a good personnel system to motivate  emplyees to work wholeheartly, which is to promote the hardworking staff and dismissal those lazybones. If all workers are garenteed a life-long contract and their qualifications and attitudes do make any difference in their careers, they will stop improving themselves and pay little attention to their work. This could lead the company to a bankruption and then nobody will have a job. That means both the employer and employees are harmed by this unreasonable system. So, in a long-term run, a company should adopt a way to motivate its staff, which includes promotion and deposition.

Furthemore, like a man needs fresh air, a company needs renovation. Some new thoughts will lead the company into advancement and give it advantages in market competition, which are majorly brought from new employees. If a company stops recuirting new staff, due to its entire-life policy with current employees, it would prevent itself from getting new ideas through a siganificant channel. Also, for employees, who has been working with same collegues for a long time, it is quite possible that they have influenced each other too much to spark any inspiration. Without renovation and inspiration, we can not imagine a company could go far in such a rapidly changing market nowadays.

Finally, another factor we should take into account is that entrie-life empolyment policy will put fresh candidates in disavantages. Just think about this, if a company has to garentee to hire every worker for his/her a life-long time, how huge is the decision making of hiring ? In this condition, the employer woule pick the most exprienced worker they can get. Since it is not convenient to fire people, the employer will not be willing to make any adventure with those fresh graduates. If that, it would be a pity for those brillant young people and the companys that didn’t give they a chance.     

Thus, I don’t agree with the idea of entire-life hiring. What we need is a resonable pesonnel system that motivate people to work hard, to bring in renovative thoughts and to give young people a chance.

破海沧澜UID：2401581

没有问题，我会继续改的。还有，你的阅读和听力好吗？ 我在这两个板块虽然不错，但不稳定，所以，有经验大家相互交流一下哈！！！！！:) :handshake

popsywinterUID：2120302

阅读和听力我也时好时坏,完全看当时的状态.OG的题做的还可以,感觉很简单,一套下来只错2-3个,DELTA的也挺好~KAPLAN和BARRON只各做了一套,不是很理想,感觉思路的套路很不一样~
不过阅读和听力我现在也只能每天稍微做点题维持一下,不打算强化了~就准备把作文和口语的题库整理下,心里有底一点~~:rolleyes:

lemonlifeUID：2102975

:loveliness: 楼主太可爱了！我也是刚开始还以为是下载软件准备来下载呢。呵呵。楼主能坚持多久呢？因为我过一个月也想麻烦你帮我修改作文呢。希望楼主能坚持奉献到那时候啊

laxvtexUID：2365930

LZ真是大好人啊，赞！

破海沧澜UID：2401581

Popsywriter2

34.Businesses should hire employees for their entire lives. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

There has been  much disagreement over whether entire-life employment is benifical for businesses and working staff. Personally, I would suggest that it is a bad idea and will do harm to  both sides of employment eventually. (这样的开头简洁，明了，虽然没有什么闪光点，但也是好开头的一种形式。)
As we all know, the orientation of a business is to maximize its profit . To achieve this goal, a company has to improve its products and service constantly to make it stands out in the competing market . Only when employees devote their intellegence and hard work into their jobs, the company could expect an advancement in their products and services. The company should develop a good personnel system to motivate  emplyees to work wholeheartly, which is to promote the hardworking staff and dismissal those lazybones. If all workers are garenteed a life-long contract and their qualifications and attitudes do make any difference in their careers, they will stop improving themselves and pay little attention to their work. This could lead the company to a bankruption and then nobody will have a job. That means both the employer and employees are harmed by this unreasonable system. So, in a long-term run, a company should adopt a way to motivate its staff, which includes promotion and deposition.

(As it is known to all, business is based on the concept of maximum profit at lowest cost. In the light of this statement, it is of first-rate importance for a company to upgrade its product quality and customer-service. Hard working assures the success of a company, especially when it comes to producing advancement and daily service. Consequently, employees need training, in order to adapt to the marketing competition. In this sense, to sign a life-long contract is by no means a wise choice. With the guarantee of a life long contract, workers could easily become lazybones since they have been free from financial troubles. Before long the situation may go to extreme extent that the enterprise may be at the risk of bankruption.

你的这个body 段落很纠结，其实这很正常，因为一开始你并不知道你该写什么，更别说怎么写了。所以很多人写下来的效果都这样，很多还没你写得好呢！！你可以试着在写的时候多加一些逻辑性词语，如 thus, hence, therefore, because, in this sense, in that sense, consequently, accordingly等等，这样，你就会觉得：我写这句话是在为上句话作结论，或者是提出一个新的看法，新的现象，心里自然不会乱了。你可以看看我重写的段落，或许你会有所启发。)

Furthemore, like a man needs fresh air, a company needs renovation. Some new thoughts will lead the company into advancement and give it advantages in market competition, which are majorly brought from new employees. If a company stops recuirting new staff, due to its entire-life policy with current employees, it would prevent itself from getting new ideas through a siganificant channel. Also, for employees, who has been working with same collegues for a long time, it is quite possible that they have influenced each other too much to spark any inspiration. Without renovation and inspiration, we can not imagine a company could go far in such a rapidly changing market nowadays.
（In addition, in my view, what renovation to a company is what water to a man. It is indispensable for a company to adopt new employees to manage financial affairs. Necessary as the traditional thoughts are, new office workers can bring new thoughts to prosper the company system, making further success of company possible. Moreover, in terms of social psychology, new employees will influence their colleagues unconsciously, which results in renovation of the entire company. Since we are living under such a changing world, renovation is critical to a certain extent. From this standpoint, not hiring employees for their whole life but bring in new employees constantly is by all means a better choice.

这是body 段的第二部分，我重写之后的感觉是比前面你所写的段落清晰许多。但比较一下潜词造句方面，我并没有你那么用心。我觉得这就是中英文写作的差异之所在：在英文里面，好的文章要高效，而不是华丽。这与中文的观点南辕北辙。而高效在于：副词的使用+ 经典短语和句型的使用+ 逻辑词的使用。但凡做到这几点，作文就不会差！）

Finally, another factor we should take into account is that entrie-life empolyment policy will put fresh candidates in disavantages. Just think about this, if a company has to garentee to hire every worker for his/her a life-long time, how huge is the decision making of hiring ? In this condition, the employer woule pick the most exprienced worker they can get. Since it is not convenient to fire people, the employer will not be willing to make any adventure with those fresh graduates. If that, it would be a pity for those brillant young people and the companys that didn’t give they a chance.     
（这里的Body段你可以采取取非式，即谈谈你不支持的那方面的好处，然后有说its disadvantages outweigh its advantages, 一句话又将它否定。）

Thus, I don’t agree with the idea of entire-life hiring. What we need is a resonable pesonnel system that motivate people to work hard, to bring in renovative thoughts and to give young people a chance.

（改完这篇文章花了40分钟，好辛苦啊！我10.17 考，我猜你应该是10.28考吧？都是10月考，还算有缘啦！在此留下我的QQ：260993250，加不加随便你，有写好的作文尽量贴上来，我改！告诉你，其实改作文是个提高作文很好的方法。我有个朋友从高中英语水平一跃到托福作文28分，就是改了2个月的作文。不过，刚开始还是以积累为主，就是学习别人给你改的东西，然后你再去改别人的，自然作文就顺手了。）

bepa1UID：2311082

偶刚开始准备作文...底子不好,因为我们不学英语也没有人帮忙改作文...您能帮我改一下吗?应该有很多错误..见笑啦~~:)
Topic: it is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.
   Psychologists have found that the environment is pretty significant for children during their growing. Nowadays, a large number of people argue that it is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Contrary to the opinion of many people is my heartfelt agreement that it’s more advantageous for children to grow up in a big city.
The majority parents and teachers believe that children’s growing in a big city will provide them with more opportunities to develop their interpersonal skills, which may put them in a favorable position in the future’s job market. A research has shown that most of successful men have a huge circle of friends, which plays a significant role in their career. As we know, a good manager is required to have team spirit, to be good at communicating with other people. when the children growing in the countryside play with dogs in the yard all day, the children growing in the city already know exactly how to deal with various people. Try to imagine, how much effort should the children in the country do to catch up with the children in the city in the future?
People demand that it’s better for children to grow up in the countryside without recognizing the benefit that let children grow in a big city has had in improving their life. For example, living in the city, children have more access to contact with computer at an early age, by which means they can obtain more knowledge, make their study more convenient. They can also have numerous kinds of entertainment, which bring about them a colorful memory of childhood. What’ more, according to a latest survey, 70% of the diseases may be occurred in the countryside because of people’s ignorance of hygiene.
Growing in the countryside is superior in some extent. Some people get tiered of the contaminated surroundings in the city. They prefer their children to enjoy the fresh air, the quite life instead of the crowded and noisy city. Furthermore, living in the countryside can provide more freedom and flexibility of doing our favorable things at our own choice, which can’t be replaced by the quick-pace life style life in the city.
Weighing the benefits growing in the countryside and in a big city, it is obvious that growing in a big city is a better choice for children. Because of the competition has become more and more intense, only when growing in cities can help us cultivate the characteristics of children, which is required in the future.

ufosisiUID：2236619

拿了一楼的那个题目来写，反观点。感觉不怎么好写，写到后面自己啊不晓得在讲点什么了快。。。麻烦lz看看了。。。


Kennedy once said, we choose to go to the moon and other things. Not because they are easy, but because they hard. Although some people claim that successful people prefer to taking things that they have done well, I tent to believe that those successful people would more likely to take new things and risks.

As we all know, people's desire of having more never end. Successful people want to be more successful. They always try to do something new or risky in order to prove their remarkable abilities. Being a successful people, one must own a large extent of knowledge and is ambitious. Being a successful people, one believe that no one knows what he can do till he tries. Being a successful people, one think that new and risky works are full of challenges, if he or she can handle them, it means another  kind of succeed.

What's more, successful people are willing to seek profits in different fields. Li Yanhong, the CEO of Baidu, for instance, he was not satisfied with the state of his company which just a website for searching information. Although Baidu.com has become a famous website which can compare with Google in China, Li Yanhong devoted to enlarge his business. With a long period of hard working, he and his company finally obtain the license of releasing news. New things for successful people are like bones for dogs. And the more risky a project is the more profits it may offer.

However, people may argue that fewer the risk, better the situation, especially in a keen trade competition. Either a fresh man or a successful man in the business circle needs some adventures in his career.

In conclusion, I incline to believe that successful people take things that new and risky rather than things they are done well. In addition, I think that it is the new and risky works make them succeed.

（320 words）

字数是不是不够啊。。。感觉大家都飚到350++的样子。。。

popsywinterUID：2120302

谢谢你在这么忙的时候还花这么多时间来帮我改作文~我觉得改写人家的东西比自己写东西难多了~可见你的功力很深啊~我是28号考的~~没想到你还更早~你的QQ我之前就加过了,你看看你的名单,里面有个叫"Trouble"的就是我~~有时间网上交流备考经验啊~~:loveliness: