作文修改小超人（停止修改）

破海沧澜UID：2401581

对haowr致歉，我只改独立写作，不改综合，因为综合有固定的摸版．还有，综合写作主要是把观点阐述清楚，一般听力材料的描述占四分之三，　阅读材料四分之一．还有，细节越多，分越高！！！！

横折弯勾UID：2309582

我29号就要考了，LZ帮改改作文吧～

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Teachers should assign homework for students every day.

When it comes to the issue whether the teachers should assign homework to students every day, people may draw different opinions due to their diverse backgrounds. Some of them support the idea believe that practice makes perfect, while others argue that it may add pressures to students. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the people who hold the approval opinion, and the reasons list as follow.
Among the plenty convincing factors to support the statement, one should be emphasized that learning is a process which needs a proper point to link the thinking and practicing to work together. In the class, teachers play the most important role; students just listen to them as well as think by themselves. But it doesn't mean the knowledge they have been absorbed at the same time, the proper homework is just able to strengthen their abilities of understanding. Only by doing consecutive homework everyday can they remember and master all the knowledge that they learned before.
Another point worth mentioning is that the everyday homework can also enhance the knowledge which is often limited by class. Because the class time is not able to contain so many things, quite many knowledge requires students to review or previous after class, especially some significant knowledge points which essential to the test. Furthermore, there are still much knowledge is the extension of the context of the classes; teachers do not have time to fully illustrate them, so assigning some relevant homework to motivate students to learn.
Also playing the significant part in my perspective is that the everyday homework can provide good reflections about whether the students master the certain knowledge they learned before. As a measurement or a feedback, teachers may acquire useful information of their students from the daily homework, thus, they are able to determine whether to assign more homework or go to the next lesson. In other words, the everyday homework is a good assistance to help teachers arrange their teaching schedules.
Obviously, all the evidence leads to a strong conclusion that it is necessary for teachers to assign homework every day to the students. Despite little drawbacks such as repeating work or less creative work, the everyday homework not only improves the students' self-learning skills, but also motivates their creating abilities.

破海沧澜UID：2401581

因为我十月，十一月份有两场托福考试，所以十月份会在家闭观，绝不上网．
所以在十月期间我会消失！！！
希望大家捧场！！！！我也为大家加油！！！！
we are the champion!!!!

hanguanghUID：2240901

It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.


Have you ever spend almost half a day on the way for one time shopping? Have you ever walked a long distance to go to a bus station which is the only one choice to get the destination? Have you ever been worried about whether the price of your house will rise or not?

If you ever have had such experiences, you must know how important the large shopping center will be built is.

First of all, shopping will be more easily when the shopping center is built near our dwellings. It is hard to imagine that there will be any interests to spend long time on the road to a shopping mall long-long far away. How to take all the goods you bought home may be also a serious problem. It must cost much of your energy and undermine the fun of shopping. So, building a big shopping mall in your neighborhood is good news to you.

Secondly, if the grand shopping center be built near our houses, more and more bus stations will be established in this region. The more bus stations are set up, the more convenient our transportation will be. You do not need to walk a long way for a certain bus station. These buses should be set up for bringing customers from other districts, and bring you to everywhere certainly. In short, the large shopping center will bring you not only convenience in shopping, but also in transportation.

Finally, the shopping mall could cause the rise of price of the houses in this region. With the shop building here, the quality of life of the residents in this district will enhance. An increasing number of people would like to live in this region; the price of the houses here must rise rapidly. You should never worry about it. Your house will raise its value with the shop and buses stations built here.

From what has been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion that building a large shopping mall near our dwellings will lead to do shopping more easily and happily. More and more bus stations also will be established there with the shop built, and the price of our houses will rise dramatically. It is good news to found a grand shop in our neighborhood.

太痛苦了！憋了半天才憋出这么点玩意。 我现在觉得ideas 有 但是不知道该怎么用English 来表达， 包括口语模版也是 不知道写的说的是对是错！这可怎么办哪~！？

haowrUID：2232640

多谢 楼住

sherry1225UID：2192554

小超人还在不在，帮姐姐改一篇...

tracy_YYUID：2329804

强人！占个位先

hanguanghUID：2240901

超人什么时候归来呀~~~？

破海沧澜UID：2401581

横折弯勾
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Teachers should assign homework for students every day.


When it comes to the issue whether the teachers should assign homework to students every day, people may draw different opinions due to their diverse (distinctive) backgrounds. Some of them support the idea believe (believing, 语法错误) that practice makes perfect, while others argue that it may add pressures to students. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the people who hold the approval opinion, and the reasons list as follow.
（开头很标准， 但如果作者还想进一步提升自己的作文水平，建议可以用shocking statement的开头方式，这是我写的一个shocking statement的开头。但我写的是相反观点，因为比较难写，挑战一下自己：
It is a common evening on Tuesday, but my brother Timmy is still dealing with his tedious assignments in his bedroom. Exhausted as he may be, it is his responsibility to finish his mathematic, English and history assignments. Currently, there is a trend for some teachers to assign homework for students every day, which arouses a wide controversy in the public. A fair portion of people advocates this movement in belief that practice makes perfect. However, in the point of my view, I strongly opposed it and the parallel measurements towards students might do more harm than good.)

Among the plenty convincing factors to support the statement, one should be emphasized that learning is a process which needs a proper point to link the thinking and practicing to work together. In the class, teachers play the most important role; students just listen to them as well as think by themselves. But it doesn't mean the knowledge they have been absorbed （absorb knowledge） at the same time, the proper homework is just able to strengthen their abilities of understanding(用得好). Only by doing consecutive homework everyday can they remember and master all the knowledge that they learned before（这个倒装句型我之前很少用，不过却是很实用的句型，我在开头用了另外一种倒装，请作者注意。）.
(The most significant point I would like to emphasize is that the optimal way of learning is not to practice solely, but to practice as well as to think spontaneously. This is of first-rate importance during the process of learning because it is no use practicing what you should learn without thinking, you ought to have awareness of its advantage properly so that you might be able to use in daily lives. For instance, if you are taking computer courses and willing to explore its functions, it is essential for you to practice on a computer and rethink about this subject at the same time. As a form of practice, homework is way for teachers to ensure students’ working on it, but to practice without thinking, as mentioned above, is inappropriate. Too much homework leaves students little time for thinking. In this sense, to assign homework every day is by no means a wise movement. 这是我重写的一个主体段，我个人感觉自己写得不是特别好，有点纠结， 因为我此前没写过这个题目，还有可能是状态问题吧！这段我写时间有点长，12分钟左右，作者可以根据自身情况进行学习，借鉴。)

Another point worth mentioning is that the everyday homework can also enhance （To enhance something means to improve its value, quality, or attractiveness. Enhance有推进，发展的意思，用在这里很恰当。新概念4原句写道： the growth of knowledge followed a kind of compound interest law, which was greatly enhanced by the invention of printing.） the knowledge which is often limited by class. Because (对because的替换有considering, in that, for, since, 不要只用because, 有时替换一下) the class time is not able to contain （“含盖” 一般用cover就可以了） so many things, quite many knowledge requires students to review or previous after class, especially some significant knowledge points which （are） essential to the test . Furthermore, there are still much knowledge is the extension of the context of the classes (这句话chinglish的味道浓厚，读起来不爽); teachers do not have time to fully illustrate them, so assigning some relevant homework to motivate students to learn（成分残缺，so 后面应该连接一个完整的句子。teachers lack time to provide a comprehensive explanation of certain material, thus assigning relevant homework can motivate students to learn more after class.）. Also（这个词用逗号隔开） playing the significant part in my perspective is that the everyday homework can provide good reflections about whether the students master(If you master something, you learn how to do it properly or you succeed in understanding it completely. Students are expected to master a second language.) the certain knowledge they learned before. As a measurement or a feedback (feedback= reaction, as a feedback,作为反馈，用得好！), teachers may acquire useful information of their students from the daily homework. Thus, they are able to determine whether to assign more homework or go to the next lesson (in accordance with the students’ state.) In other words, the everyday homework is a good assistance to help for teachers to arrange their teaching schedules (help 和assistance 重复).

Obviously, all the evidence leads to the strong conclusion that （写得好） it is necessary for teachers to assign homework every day to the students. Despite little drawbacks （不错嘛！）such as repeating work or less creative work, the everyday homework not only improves the students' self-learning skills, but also motivates their creating abilities.（这里用不着写这样的句子，托福考官一般不太重视结尾，所以简洁，恰当，强化论点即可。In a word,就是随便写点即可。）
（这篇文章总体不错，有些用词也有闪光点，语法错误有一些，但再所难免，毕竟时间紧迫。能看到这样的作文还是很高兴拉！但是我想建议作者，在考场的三十分钟里，时间紧迫，如果全文都走抽象论证路线，人难免会晕。 所以我建议你在主体段里写一个concrete example，即发生在你身边的事，这样的事是可以编造的！只要遍得恰当，应该没有问题。比如这篇文章，你就可以说“我的一个弟弟在读中学，从前由于沉迷于电脑游戏所以数学考试经常fail, 但后来老师天天给他布置作业， 弟弟必须专心于自己的学习， 在这学期的数学考试中他竟然得了B! 我们大家喜出望外， 从此推崇每天布置作业”。 你可以尝试一下，又好写字数又多。
下次这样写试试吧，如果有机会，我再帮你改，由于我十月有托福考试，十月份我就暂时不会上网，要写的话就赶快吧！！）

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-4 12:36 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID：2401581

其实我并不是什么超人，取这个名字也是一时兴起。
大家还是叫我破海沧澜吧，小澜也可以，不过听其来有点象女生的名字....
在这里留下我的QQ和电邮，方便大家联系我。
QQ：260993250
W-MAIL:shenfengyuan2007@yahoo.com.cn

破海沧澜UID：2401581

幻孩
When asked that should a city try to preserve its old buildings or destroy them and replace them with modern buildings, I think the answer is obviously （obvious= evident 这里用形容词） to me, I will choose to preserve the old buildings without hesitation, and I will state a couple of reasons to support my point of view.

First of all, historic buildings often stand for （好） a city’s honor （honor 太大，不合适， stand for a city’s glorious culture 比较好）. A nation without honor is nothing, culture is the main point of country, and old buildings can act as a symbol of that culture. （这句话chinglish的味道太重了， 请作者千万不要自己去杜撰英文用法，平时多积累英文素材！） for example, the summer palace in China, this palace is famous because it stands for the prosperous history of china’s past, it is a palace for Chinese empires to live in, so you can imagine what kind of buildings are in this palace, there are all Chinese traditional buildings, which reflect the glorious history of China. （这个body段里作者举了一个事例， 值得肯定。 但是作者的这篇文章有一个致命弱点，就是对于标点的掌握。 逗号，句号的正确使用在英文写作中是很重要的， 逗号表示一句话未结束，而句号则表示一句话结束。 考官要看你句与句之间的逻辑， 标点就起了重要的作用！！！

这是我重写的一个Body段落：
As it is known to all, historic buildings stand for a city’s glorious culture. And as for an independent nation, culture is the center of its history, or, to be more accurate, its distinctive characteristic. Perhaps it would suffice to mention the Summer Palace in Beijing, China, one of the most famous Chinese beauty spots. Foreigners could perceive the core of China’s unique atmosphere through visiting the historic buildings there, feeling the thoughts of the ancients, immersing themselves into a special tranquility at same time.
Thus, traditional buildings there successfully impressed the foreign visitors with China’s splendid history and culture, which serves as a significant way for others to know about China.)

Second, old buildings can promote the local economy very much (口语的东东不要往上写！). There are millions of modern buildings in today’s (口语) city, which make people feel boring living in such a cage, most people choose to go traveling on their holidays, and especially select those with a long history’s old city, it is a paradox that only old cities can provide modern people something fresh （这一句写得不错）. Suppose （这是假设的意思，词不达意， 最好换成 Take Xi’an as an example） the city Xi’an, this city is famous (well known for, 前面用famous好多次了， 换词！) for its long history and it is one of the capitals in Chinese history。So people prefer to go there to see old buildings instead to go to ShangHai which is a modern city full of skyscrapers, as a result, the economy of XI’AN city is become better and better （用俗了的写法， 建议改成 the economy is booming）, those old buildings play an significant role in the prosper (prosperity, 用名词) of economy.

Third, old buildings are all unique buildings, once destroyed, they can not be repaired. And if the old buildings are lost for some reasons, we will lost a valuable piece of culture. For example, a director in China will make a movie in a old city, and some of the old buildings must be removed for the need of his method, so he made a decision to replace those old buildings with his own things, however, this behavior really make the local citizens angry, because the old buildings are valuable treasons their ancestor left for them, it can not be measured by money or something, destroy these building means unrespect to they ancestor.

I am not denying that modern buildings have a multitude of advantages, but compare to old buildings, its importance should be subordinate, because the modern buildings can be constructed again, however, the old buildings once destroyed can not be restored to the former appearance, so I insist that we should preserve to old buildings instead of replacing them with the modern ones.

这篇文章的问题很多， 我总结了一下你存在的问题， 主要有以下几点：
1.        对托福作文的结构意识不强： 虽然作者有意识的去遵循托福写作的结构原则，但有个地方仍需大改--- 开头。 开头的作用即鲜明地表明作者观点。 建议作者看看Official Guide上的满分独立作文， 看看他是怎么写的。
2.        Chinglish: 作者的文字功底不好，建议多积累，学习新概念英语3册。 这对写作的帮助非常大。
3.        标点： 之前已经提到过， 这里就不在獒述。

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-4 12:39 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID：2401581

hanguangh
It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.


Have you ever spend almost half a day on the way for one time shopping? Have you ever walked a long distance to go to a bus station which is the only one choice to get the destination? Have you ever been worried about whether the price of your house will rise or not?

If you ever have had such experiences, you must (might, 语气不要太主观) know how important the large shopping center will be built is.
(这个开头， to be honest, 是不可以的。 这就是英文思维和中文思维的差别。 在中国人看来， 这样的排比开头有气势。 但在老外的眼里， 上面的排比存在两个缺陷：1. 提问后面没有回答， 记住， 大多数的英文问题提出后，后面需要有回答。 笔者经常看类似Economist和Newsweek之类的杂志，发现其中大多数的问题后面都直接有回答， 只问不答的情况很少。2. Have you done不正式， 一般用在口语之中， 用来排比…. 有点不伦不类。
下面是我重写的一个排比开头， 由于我的水平有限，可能也会出现很低级的错误， 路过的高手们请指教：

Shopping centers occupy a significant position in the modern age. And the concept of the shopping centers for the public was apparently legible: it is a food offering when we have to purchase something for dinner. It is a provider of entertainment when we determined to bring some films to enjoy our pastimes, and it is a responsible household assistant when some “desperate” housewives are to deal with the heavy housework and need some useful tools in hand. In short, a shopping center is indispensable for a community, thus from my perspective, to built a new shopping center in our community is a reasonable measurement.)

First of all, shopping will be more easily when the shopping center is built near our dwellings. It is hard to imagine that there will be any interests to spend long time on the road to a shopping mall long-long far away. How to take all the goods you bought home may be also a serious problem. It must cost much of your energy and undermine the fun of shopping. So(so 不正式， 用Thus, hence, consequently, as a result, accordingly这几个词替换。 ), building a big shopping mall in your neighborhood is good news to you.
（The first advantage I would like to emphasize is the convenience it will make if a shopping center is built near our community. Since there is no shopping center near community at present, locale residents have to travel miles to buy some daily necessities. And to do this, it might take as long as three hours! Hence, we natives will definitely benefit from it if the establishment of a new shopping center comes true, especially in terms of time saving.）

Secondly, if the grand shopping center be built near our houses, more and more bus stations will be established in this region. The more bus stations are set up, the more convenient our transportation will be. You do not need to walk a long way for a certain bus station. These buses should be set up for bringing customers from other districts, and bring you to everywhere certainly. In short, the large shopping center will bring you not only convenience in shopping, but also in transportation.
(Another point I would mentioned is that the construction of a shopping will prosper our leisure time. For then, people would have much more choices to have fun--- not only are they able to have party with their intimate friends, but also they could choose to spend their time in the shopping center. Shopping is only one kind of entertainments a shopping center boasts. It is a pleasure for you to drink tea in a romantic restaurant for the modern shopping centers are never in a shortage of this kind of places. Reading is also a good way for rest, and a shopping center nowadays may also have bookstores. Hence, a shopping center will, at the same time, provide the inhabitants with plentiful amusement and relaxation.)  

Finally, the shopping mall could cause the rise of price of the houses in this region. With the shop building here, the quality of life of the residents in this district will enhance. An increasing number of people would like to live in this region; the price of the houses here must rise rapidly. You should never worry about it. Your house will raise its value with the shop and buses stations built here.
(理由有点纠结， 其实如果觉得开始的时候写不好， 可以先练习写两个论点。)
From what has been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion that building a large shopping mall near our dwellings will lead to do shopping more easily and happily. More and more bus stations also will be established there with the shop built, and the price of our houses will rise dramatically. It is good news to found a grand shop in our neighborhood.


这篇文章格式比较正确， 算是托福写作已经入门， 但可能由于是新手， 对于观点的打磨还不够好。 举事例是一个好方法， 下次作文中注意去使用以下， 有机会我再给你看。

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-4 12:41 编辑 ]

破海沧澜UID：2401581

十月“梦之队”第五次作业 by Edwin

People have different ways of escaping the stress and difficulties of modern life. Some read; some exercise; others work in their gardens. What do you think are the best ways of reducing stress? Use specific details and examples in your answer.

Depending on the personal experience, personality type and emotional concern, different people have different ways to reducing stress and difficulties of modern life. As far as I am concerned, playing computer games is the best way to relax myself and reduce these stresses.

In the virtual world, you can do whatever you like, so the best way to release your pressure can be chosen. As for me, I always act a cruel killer in the computer game, if someone offends me, I will give him a ‘glorious’ die. However, we could not to kill somebody to release our pressure, so in this way, the pressure can always be dispelled. I can refresh myself, and get the energy and strength to devote to work.

Computer games are always the team games which need a lot of people to corporate to fulfill one single task. A lot of communication will be asked, so people can learn how to corporate and communicate with the other people if she/he has the pressure of cooperating with others. The virtual game gives her/him a lesson to study the problems she/he meets in the reality. If she/he learns the skill, she/he can communicate with the others freely, thus the great pressure of communication and corporation can be released.

However, every coin has two sides and people may worry about the computer game addiction of the young children; because there are more and more young children have abandon themselves to computer games. Why such things would happen? That’s because these young children dare not to face the harsh reality, so they would rather stay in the virtual world. If some computer games are designed to teach people how to face these problems, that’s would be better to solve the problem.

As the competence of our society becomes more farce, the pressure people bear are greatly increased, so people must find a proper way to propel these stresses. There are various methods for people to reduce the pressure, and which way to choose just depends on personal interests. As for me, I think playing computer games are the best way to relax myself.

(下面这篇文章是我定时30分钟写的， 实际用时是24分钟， 我发现定时写的确要难很多， 因此我感觉总体的文章质量有所下降。
Pressure never cease to trouble human beings, especially in the modern society. Currently, the modern world is on the track of progress at a tremendous speed that it is inevitable for a industrial citizen to endure various pressures. Despite the fact that the competition in various field is fierce than it ever was and serious is the problem of heavy work, most people are able to find distinctive ways to reducing. In the point of my view, the optimal way to solve the pressure problem is to travel, which could benefit an individual not only in terms of beauty but also in terms of communication.

The first point I would like to emphasize is that traveling makes a person close to nature, which eminently help release stress. Last year I went Huangshan Mount, one of Chinese celebrated beauty spot. During the course of hiking, I immerse myself into the lyric view of the mountain shape. In those days, mountains never failed to fascinate me: I marveled at the wonderful trees, I was appealed by ancient stone, I was attracted by the glorious history of this grand mountain. In short, the journey impressed me a great deal and I totally be absent from the huge social pressure at that time. Thus, traveling benefits me a lot in terms of relaxation.

Another point I would like to mention is traveling, to some extent, increase the opportunity of communication. If one is traveling alone, it is of a huge possibility for one to meet someone else who too is on the journey. As both are visitors to a new place, he/ she might be able to make friends with him/her and the two persons might communicate with each other concerning different fields, which is essential to get well known of an individual. Communication proves relaxations, especially with new friends. Friendly as they treat each other, they might keep in touch with each other after the journey. In this sense, traveling contributes to reducing stress considering the chances of communication it brings about.

After the strong evidence mentioned above I would like to come to the bottom line: traveling serves as an excellent approach to the modern inhabitants to handle the trouble of pressure).

[ 本帖最后由 破海沧澜 于 2007-11-4 12:41 编辑 ]

hanguanghUID：2240901

谢谢谢谢 DOWN到 WORD 慢慢研究~ 好好学习~ 我10月底就考了~ 请问 有什么 能帮我再提高的建议吗？

破海沧澜UID：2401581

我十月也要考， 现在复习撒