argument117 自己改了好长时间，请各位点评

chengnicoleUID: 2216897

TOPIC: ARGUMENT117 - The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."
WORDS: 469          TIME: 0:30:00 (Revised)          DATE: 2006-7-3

The business manager was trying to convince us that in order to make the office-supply departments the most profitable component of Valu-Mart stores, increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies would be the right solutions. The judgment is based on a recent survey reported that 70% of respondents are required to take more work home than before. The judgment is not convincing because of several fallacies.

First of all, there is no confirmed causal relation between the work-at-home trend and the increase of home office machines. We are not well informed the exact quantity and type of work that people take back home. If the workload is not that much, or the work does not require any home office machines, the assertion will not be valid.

Secondly, the manager failed to provide adequate and sound evidence to persuade us on the existence of work-at-home trend. The only support to the assertion of the work-at-home trend is a recent survey, which has no further details could be found in the argument to demonstrate its credibility and authority, such as the sample size, the demographics of the sample, the location and time of the survey, and so on. If only 20 super busy people who work for very demanding bosses received the questionnaire of the survey and only half of them had time to respond, the results based the perception of 70% of respondents could not represent the real overall situations. Even if the survey was credible, the respondents only mentioned they are requested to take work home, we still have reason to question if they all have no issue with the unfair requests. Maybe there is only a small amount of people who really follow the requests, while the rest majority might go to the labor union for support on rights protection. After all, taking work back home is unlikely going to become unchangeable phenomena that could bring Valu-Mart more business in long term.

Nevertheless, the manager hasty drew a conclusion that the profitability of the office-supply department would be improved to the top place in all departments in Valu-Mart by increase the stock of home office machines and office supplies. He or she ignored a most critical factor of making money – to develop and carry out appropriate marketing strategies to promote the sales. Moreover, we should consider the proactiveness of other department in Valu-Mart, and the profitability of other departments comparing to the office-supply department as well. Without comprehensive information of the internal competition status, we could not be so optimistic about the consequences.

All the evidences discussed in the above analysis warrant that the manager’s opinion is not well reasoned. An in-depth review on the current status of the office-supply department needs to be conducted in order to identify the inner potential for profit increase.

xinxinwUID: 2144273

The business manager was trying to convince us that in order to make the 原文似乎没有目的性,是如果...就...的关系,不是in order tooffice-supply departments the most profitable component of Valu-Mart stores, increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies would be the right solutions. The judgment is based on a recent survey reported that 70% of respondents are required to take more work home than before. The judgment is not convincing because of several fallacies.

First of all, there is no confirmed causal relation between the work-at-home trend and the increase of home office machines. We are not well informed the exact quantity and type of work that people take back home. If the workload is not that much, or the work does not require any home office machines, the assertion will not be valid.在展开一点，局势复杂一些，目前字数太少

Secondly, the manager failed to provide adequate and sound evidence to persuade us on the existence of work-at-home trend. The only support to the assertion of the work-at-home trend is a recent survey, which has no further details could be found in the argument to demonstrate its credibility and authority, such as the sample size, the demographics of the sample, the location and time of the survey, and so on.such as ... 紧跟在details后面比较好 If only 20 super busy people who work for very demanding bosses received the questionnaire of the survey and only half of them had time to respond, the results based the perception of 70% of respondents could not represent the real overall situations. Even if the survey was credible, the respondents only mentioned they are requested to take work home, we still have reason to question if they all have no issue with the unfair requests. Maybe there is only a small amount of people who really follow the requests, while the rest majority might go to the labor union for support on rights protection. After all, taking work back home is unlikely going to become unchangeable phenomena that could bring Valu-Mart more business in long term.第二个分论点说得不太清楚，也许是我笨了，呵呵

Nevertheless, the manager hasty drew a conclusion that the profitability of the office-supply department would be improved to the top place in all departments in Valu-Mart by increase the stock of home office machines and office supplies. He or she ignored a most critical factor of making money – to develop and carry out appropriate marketing strategies to promote the sales. Moreover, we should consider the proactiveness of other department in Valu-Mart, and the profitability of other departments comparing to the office-supply department as well. Without comprehensive information of the internal competition status, we could not be so optimistic about the consequences.

All the evidences discussed in the above analysis warrant that the manager’s opinion is not well reasoned. An in-depth review on the current status of the office-supply department needs to be conducted in order to identify the inner potential for profit increase.

第一二段的顺序互换一下，毕竟原文的逻辑结构是递进的，按照他的顺序批驳会好一些

也来拍我的
http://edu.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=496251&extra=page%3D1