【独立写作】 同题作文写作之【版主点评】

芥菜粽UID：3344214

秋雨荆州 发表于 2013-2-2 20:59
0201 Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are n ...

谢谢前辈，前辈辛苦了！

秋雨荆州UID：2903781

芥菜粽 发表于 2013-2-2 22:00
谢谢前辈，前辈辛苦了！

加油啊！

SYNCIAUID：3130718

秋雨荆州 发表于 2013-2-2 20:59
0201 Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are n ...

赞赞赞

SYNCIAUID：3130718

Do you agree: people who cannot accept criticism will not succeed in a team.

In my opinion, the most important principle of teamwork is that accept criticisms from the partners, friends and elders.

The reason why someone not accept criticism I think is overconfidence. Napoleon, who once ruled the Europe, won an empire. There was no one can be compared with him at that time. However, French army suffered the worst campaign ever since Napoleon became the emperor in Waterloo, and it also symbolized the collapse of the Napoleon Empire. He was overconfident after won over 40 victories, so that he didn’t accept any advises of change his strategy to prepare for the cruel weather in Russia. It not means the confidence is harmful, useless, what I mean is control your confidence, make it become the strongest power of success.

In another way, you might be desired to find a brand new solution of the problem. Everyone talks about their own life experience when they are judging on your work or your team. He is not perfect, but you always can learn something from him. My dad is a successful businessman, at least in my eyes. He guided me going out from under when I was really disappointed to myself. He properly just used to judge others, to force others change something he isn’t satisfied with. When I still live at home, I would hear over 10 times judging per day. At first, I could not accept anything, and I felt it is very annoying. Whereas one day, which I cannot remember the exact date, I was in trouble of choose a topic for my speech. In the morning, my dad started judging on my uniform, suddenly, I got something. Why not just show my dad to classmates? The habit is awful. As long as you used to something annoying, then it will not be so hard to bear.

If someone cannot accept the criticism, you had better choose another person as your partner.


版主点评：
立场： 基本明确。 但是有一个重点这位版友忽略了:team. 在文章中，版友的第二个论点基本上忽视了题目中这个关键词。
发展：
关于论点一：关于拿破仑这个例子，举得很好。
关于论点二：这位板油应该把例子的展开和论点密切联系起来，感觉例子有点偏。

语言：
语言繁复：He is not perfect, but you always can learn something from him. 显得啰嗦。 没有必要专门说他完不完美，只需要说明，他总能提出一些不一样的点子这样的句子就可以。
句子衔接有问题：
Why not just show my dad to classmates? The habit is awful. 这两个句子没有任何联系。

秋雨荆州UID：2903781

topic： Do you agree or disagree: It is important to know about what is happening around the world, even if it doesn't affect your personal lives.

id：classgrass   


Bertrand Russell once said there are three passions that have governed his life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. Although nowadays a sizable percentage of people claim that they would symphony with a dying squirrel in front of their gate more than those hungry African refugees, I still drove [改成被动语态？]by the passions Russell advocated. We should know what is happening in the[删去 in the] worldwide, even if it has nothing to do with our daily lives, because the hunger for knowledge and care to the suffering of poor people obliged us to be concerned with.

First, knowing what is happening around the world, especially in the undeveloped areas, by reading newspaper or watching television can help us better understanding the meaning of life[觉得主题和下面的拓展似乎有些偏差。下面的论述主要侧重得知这些消息之后我们就帮助他们，中间好像缺了什么，是不是加上“我们本以为平凡的日常生活是多么的宝贵幸福”，对比之下更能体会她们的艰苦，从而帮助他们……]. As an individual, we only had [现在时就行]limited experiences, but with the merits of modern communications media, we can acknowledge that there are countless child laborers in Indonesia, millions of citizens suffering from war in Iraq and billions of Africans who are in the edge of death with the threat of hunger and disease. We may have no family members or friends in these countries, but we can also help them with giving speech or financing them. Bored our horizon by caring for the disadvantage groups will make the world a better place.[这句似乎也有问题]

Besides, the news and political arguments can help us understand the civilization of humans and the spirits democracy deeply, which may have some beneficial [改成名词]in our own life. For example, I like to[删除] the sections about law in the newspaper, some cases about speech freedom with the detailed definition of the Constitutional Amendment taught me how important the criticism of people is valued[这句有语病。]. And when looking back into my life, I realized that I should not turn a deaf ear to the honest advice from my friends. In another word, news is my scholarly mentor and beneficial [印象中通常只用作表语]friend.

As for the latest discoveries in science and technology, we can also know the world deeply and become a versatile person by following the news. In my part time, I devoted a lot of time watching TED, which is short for technology, entertainment and design. Leaders in their own profession will deliver a speech of their findings and how can they be applied in our life in every episode. This is a bridge of theory and application of the modern technology and thoughts. And it enlarged my scope of knowledge and promoted my quality of life.

Knowing what is happening in different realms, cannot make us a fortune right now. But it enlightens us with subjects we [少了be]curious about, and in the same time, remind us to help others.

关于立论什么的基本没有问题了，但是在行文方面还是会有一些明显的语法问题。希望写完之后一定要认真纠一遍错，把这些问题记下来，尽量克制。如果能保证文章没有语病，拿good应该没有问题的。

pigletvincentUID：2539817

秋雨荆州 发表于 2013-2-17 00:33
topic： Do you agree or disagree: It is important to know about what is happening around the world,  ...

哈哈 我本来准备改这篇的 还好看到了 这篇开头不错

pigletvincentUID：2539817

id：lsy0123
day0215


Do you agree or disagree: It is important to know about what is happening around the world, even if it doesn't affect your personal lives.

It is never too late to learn, since there are plenty of knowledge we need to learn and many fresh things we should ponder. The more we know, the easier we will get what we really desire and achieve success. So I definitely agree with this statement that it is crucial to know about things around the world, even if it does not affect our personal lives for mainly two reasons.

First of all, concerning about what is happening around the world contributes us to attain experience, shape solid values and unique style. As we all know, there are lot(s) of things which are irrelated to our personal lives, but we can draw on experience from these things(把these things改成them读起来可能顺口点). And nowadays, with the development of advanced technology, it is convenient for us to get the latest information and news. Life is so short that we could not experience all kind（s） of things, but we can make full use of other things around the world, generalize the basic rules about nature and understand the trends in society or policy within a nation. To some extent, it is also hard for us to get out of date（这句是不是想要表达不与时俱进对我们是不好的？如果按原句理解可以是：我们不与时俱进很难。）, which means we can keep pace with the society and get along well with others easily（最后这句和前面的论述关系有点不明确）.

这段的首句陈述分论点1比较清晰，但之后的论述有点混乱，和论点有所分离。Development上有所欠缺，论点提了attain experience, shape solid values and unique style三个结果，并没有分别展开论述。

In addition, from these things（things的界定有点模糊，还有一点就是后面所说的知道成熟应对是来自于know what is happening around the world，而不是things happened in the world，所以这里最好说成from learning what is happening around us，有点细抠了哈） around the world, we will know how to deal with things in mature way rather than childish. We benefit from these things（,可以去掉） because they make us wiser and more insightful. So when something unexpected happens we can get rid of panic and worry quickly and easily, then handling problems with intellect and clear logic effectively and efficiently. For instance, a governor who is always caring about contamination in our world can likely（can likely改成is very likely to） make comprehensive and practicable policy to rescue our environment. （这个例子可以发展一下，否则容易造成论述不充分的印象，因为似乎你在描述一种因果关系，关心污染的官员会制定出可行的政策，这之间的联系在你进一步拓展解释之前较弱，而且和题目也有所偏离，反而会削弱你的论证。所以建议把这句话修正一下，比如a governor who is always informed about latest news about air pollution and possible solutions regarding pollution reduction is very likely to make practical policy. Keeping in mind how badly our air is polluted makes him/her realize the urgent need of solving this problem and learning what we now have to tackle this problem will help he/she put up forward more possible solutions during the policy evaluation period. ）In contrary, some temporary（因为你是举反例，如果和temporary对应的可能是permanent，这和之间的论述有所矛盾，可以改成an easily made plan without analysis of comprehensive information） plan may bring about more other damage or pollution. From my own experience, knowing about what is happening around the world will urge us make wiser decision, like what is your preference and interest（like之后有点儿没看懂）. Then reducing the amount of mistakes we may commit in the future(这句语法成分不完整).

这段分论点2的陈述稍有问题，但不影响理解。之后的展开也比第一段做得好。如果配合governor的例子，那这个论点如果表述为“更好的处理问题”也许更适合，因为之后的论述并没有涉及成熟和幼稚的做事方式对比。

Moreover, knowing things that is happening around the earth can（can可以去掉） contribute to our success or get jobs we long for（get job和success是否有所重叠？success包括了获得工作）. For example, Yan（g） Lan, a brilliant hostess, is industrious in her study life and she can keep focus on these kind of things consistently（these同样指代不明确，可以说得直接点，比如keep herself informed about what is happening in the world）. Gradually, she becomes shining and remarkable in China. Then she gets the career she pursued for a long time. As we all know, her excellent speech in bidding for 2008 Beijing Olympic （Games）is the result of concerning national affairs. These things don’t affect her personal life, while she takes advantage of them to achieve final success.

这段的论点3陈述也较为清楚，但杨澜的例子可以更好的修改一下，以增强论证力度，描述事例的时候1.要注意和论点贴合，比如杨澜勤奋学习，关心看似和她无关的时事，使她获得成功。这里想法不错，但还是缺乏扩展，为什么keep focus她就成功了，需要进一步解释，你可以说也许是因为其他人一心只关心专业内的东西，而杨澜刻苦学习英语，接触大量的国外新闻，让她更加国际化，从而胜于她人。2.要注意跳出例子作进一步贴和论点的解释。在这里杨澜的例子叙述的比较充分，但缺了一点进一步跳出事例的解释，比如，从她的经历可以看出，关心正在发生的事情，加上她的勤奋，让杨澜获得了成功，如果没有..则可能如何。这一点帮助你增强论证，也回归论点。

Considering all the arguments above, we reinforce my standpoint that it is significant to know about what is happening around the world, even if it doesn't affect our personal lives. Because it just makes contributions to our lives indirectly. It can broaden our vision and help us reach the climax of our lives.

结尾之处最好和前面的论点相符合，你可以说indirectly affect，但最好加上因为这些事情，看似与我们无关，但让我们获得了他人的经验，让我们成熟的处理问题，也让我们获得成功，可见，了解这些事情对我们的作用不是直接的、显而易见的，是间接的。

lsy0123UID：3410935

pigletvincent 发表于 2013-2-17 03:32
id：lsy0123
day0215

打开电脑看到这一幕真是紧张了，这才是我练习的第2篇，觉得写得很烂，思路也不清楚，很羞愧呀。但有幸得到斑竹的点评，太感谢了。我还有需要努力，会继续加油了。

pigletvincentUID：2539817

lsy0123 发表于 2013-2-17 11:00
打开电脑看到这一幕真是紧张了，这才是我练习的第2篇，觉得写得很烂，思路也不清楚，很羞愧呀。但有幸得到 ...

嘿嘿 半夜打鸡血写的太多了 加油哈

SYNCIAUID：3130718

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To make children to perform well at school, parents should limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV. Use specific reasons to support your answer.
ID: 薛定谔的喵


In the huge explosion of media, more and more people including the ages, the adults even the children choose watching TV as their part-time entertainment. However, to(for) the children who don’t perform well at school, things are not that easy (What’s the meaning of “that easy”, sort of Chinglish ). TV often becomes( Grammar mistake, gradually becomes) the arch-criminal when parents criticize the terrible grades of their children. But in my opinion, watching TV has nothing negative to do with children’s performance at school. (Stand point) There are two reasons I will expound below.

First of all, children can learn various kinds of extracurricular knowledge during the progress in (of) enjoying the programs on television. Though,(deleted) in school children can learn much basic knowledge, such as math, science and literary, these kinds of knowledge are always vapidity (vapid) and abstract which can’t draw children’s attention to them. Oppositely, when children are watching TV, they are able to come into contact with interesting and picturesque knowledge without heavy pressure in school. This way of learning can help children to learn faster and remember longer. For example, when a child read an article which describes about elephant’s behaviors, it is hard for he or she to image (imagine) what such behaviors look like. However, if parents let child watch a short documentary film about elephants, that problem will be solved. That is why even in some modern school, TV is used as an educational tool. That is to say, watching TV is a way of learning. There is no reason for parents to limit the time that children spend on learning on TV.


Secondly,as far as I am concerned, building right sense of time for children is more important than simply limiting the hours they spend on TV. T(; t)hat is to say, children have rights to decide their own life, and parents can only give advises (advice [Un]) but(not the) limitations about their children. If parents only simply and roughly decrease the time their children’s (deleted) TV time, on one hand, it may cut off an efficient way for children to learn. (,)On the other hand, if one day children lose this kind of limitation from their parents, they may feel confused about arranging their lives without right sense of time which has huge damage for their school performance. To conclude, parents had better give some advice (too abstract) instead of limiting their children’s TV time.

Based on the reasons above, in order to help learn more (knowledge) and set up good sense of time, it is wise for parents not to limit hours that children spend on TV.

点评：
1. Stand point: 明确，粉色部分
2. Organization:
总论点： 看电视不会对孩子产生学习方面的消极影响，故，没有必要限制孩子看电视的时间；
分论点一： 看电视可以提供一个更快更好的学习平台；
分论点二： 建立良好的时间观念比单纯限制孩子时间好。

以上论点独立来看都是好论点，但是从逻辑上看，衔接得比较差。 电视除了扮演一个学习平台的同时，同样也充斥着不必要的电视垃圾； 建立良好的时间观念本身是没有问题，可是，不限制孩子的电视时间就能培养他的时间观念？ 这说不通吧？ 作者在第二个论点处多次强调give some advice, 可是，具体的建议是些什么，也并不明白。 所以，个人认为，作者在树立总论点的时候，没有必要下一个断言说电视没有学习方面的消极影响，而可以跳过这个点，来分类讨论，对于年纪比较小的孩子，要限制时间； 对于年纪比较大的孩子，自身也有一定的判断和自律，就大可不必限制他的时间，以免产生更严重的逆反行为。

3. Development:
分论点一： 发展较好。说明电视和课本的区别，并以大象举例子；
分论点二： 发展不足。作者并没有具体说明时间观念的培养中”不限制电视时间”的积极作用，而只是模糊说，父母管的话，孩子以后不知道怎么管理自己。可是这是一个很薄弱的论点。 父母作为孩子的引导者，如果不做限制和教育，那非常影响一个孩子未来对于事情的判断。

4. Language:
具体的修改都标注在括号里面，参见橘色部分。
这里说两点，一是标点符号。 在英文写作中，只要你的整个句子还未完成，要学会用分号；慎用句号。
            二是词形变化。这方面要多积累，动词，形容词，名词形式注意不要混淆。

薛定谔的喵UID：3104136

SYNCIA 发表于 2013-2-24 10:58
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To make children to perform well at school, p ...

大谢版主~！
让我思考了好多新的内容。
抓住元宵节的尾巴祝你节日快乐~！

月明日暗UID：3400027

点赞~\(≧▽≦)/~

秋雨荆州UID：2903781

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.

作者：Tasha007

Recently, there has been a controversial debated by a lot of people about whether people’s living standard have changed时态不准确，建议改作将来时 even thougheven though后面应该加从句而不是名词短语 the increasing development of science and technology. I tend to think that the improvement of living standard of modern people have happened as the development of science and medical.

The primary cause is that modern people are more effective as the improvement of science technology and thus result in the altering of people’s daily lives. What is meant by this is that people is able to make use of tools increasing the productivity and efficiency today. For example, computer plays an important role in our life in terms of efficiency. Only when we type material concerning the ‘nuclear energy’ on Google, can we search any information about this term we desire. Given in the past, we had to go to library and bury me a couple of days to look for any resources. Obviously, the quality of our lives have already incur似乎用错了 with the development of computer. Also, the transportations which have great impact on people’s life should not be neglected. Public buses, private cars as well as the metros provide people with a great effective way on daily life and they could arrival destination in a short time. If without these science technology, we cannot imagine how our lives will become.

这段可以论证人类的生活水平因为电脑、交通的进步得到了很大的改变，并非常依赖这些；作者应该是想通过证明这两项技术的高度重要性，从而证明他们是改变人们生活的最重要进步？这么写当然也可以，但是证明这两项技术的重要性，证明它们非常非常重要这一点做得还不够，这段只能证明他们重要。给个自己不成熟的想法“因特网是改变人类生活最重要的技术进步，因为企业的贸易、人们的交往绝大部分依赖网络；甚至购物、阅读等方面，因特网基本上将成为最主流的媒介；所以离不开因特网，得证”

Another reason should be emphasized is the改为that people now are more longevity than in the past owing to the development of medical technology and thus making people are删去 healthier. It is certainly true that some diseases regarded as fatal diseases such as Cholera or smallpox in the past are now nearly inexistence. Although some diseases such as Cancer or AIDS cannot be easily gain access to overcome today, the medical technology help to extend patient’s lifespan through surgery and effective drugs. What’s more, public awareness of the importance of health is growing and thus leaving删去，thus后面用句子好了 people are more willing to do exercise and keep health diet. In this case, I firmly believe that the quality of people‘s life have improved greatly.

这段和上面一样的问题，确实证明了人们生活水平提高了，但是和总论点之间的联系还是不强

Taken改为taking，或者也可以用given the factors menstioned above这个短句 the factors mentioned above into consideration, I personally insist that both the two aspects listed in the question are important, but not decisive. Science technology and society will increasingly improve but our lives have greatly changed as the time files.   

题目不是特别好写，因为题目本身比较宏观，跟生活差距也相当大。感觉这个题目选择同意来议论比反对要难很多，说实话我也想不到好的论点来支持~建议再看看互改小组其他同学的文章啦~加油！

SYNCIAUID：3130718

One of your classmates needs help with some schoolwork. Which solution would you recommend your classmate should do: to ask you for help or to find a professional tutor for help. Include reasons and details to in your response.

ID: frozensmile

We all have experienced such situation that whether I should help my friends to solve some tough problems (which I get a solution)(deleted) or just reject him and convince him to find a tutor. For me, I will be very pleasure (pleased) to help my friends to surmount serious problems (tackle his troubles, or figure out his questions) whenever I know how to do.

Some skeptics may claim that a tutor may possess appropriate way of teaching, while we may waste precious time (on teaching)(deleted) since be(our) lack of an(the) ability to teach. [If some essential dominances of friends are considered, such as we are the one(s) who know(s) (deleted) their friends best (Know best what? The topic is about homework, not about private affair) and will give them the most suitable solution, a teaching by us should be efficient.] (Your expression is sort of fragmented, I cannot see your fluency in your writing/ Revised: But if they are my best friends, it will be another case. We study together and discuss all puzzles, which make me well know their thinking patterns. Therefore, I might use much less time to make my friends solve their questions than those unfamiliar tutors do.)

Admittedly (Also), teaching is not only good for beneficiary but also good for benefactor. During a process of teaching we can enhance ourselves’ knowledge. Since by teaching our friends,we must review it and have to convey it in an accurate way which likes a process of double check (good point!). In the double check process ( process of double check), some potential defeats( too abstract, you might use “other problems”) that can hardly be observed in daily life will be exposed and it helps us to recover these defeats by discussing with our friends together. Hence, due to benefit for each other (mutual benefits) , I will help my friends to solve problems.

In addition, helping friends enable us to learn (know) each other deeper that can(and to) consolidate the friendships. Obviously, it is inevitable to have a complicated and insightful debate when we (are) teaching our friends. The positive debate provides a rare opportunity to know our friends. When I was a student, for instance, I was always discussing with some classmates for some difficult problems. Although sometimes the debate (some contents)  might be offended, we knew each other better and I established a firm friendship with my classmates. Thus, helping others will consolidate friendship.

All in all, for helping our friends can help ourselves in return and consolidate friendship with other, it is justifiable for us to help our friends.

版主点评：
紫色：删除
粉色：Stand point
橘色：替换
[括号内]为整句替换

Organization:
三个论点都比较明确，较有力的支撑了立场。
1. 助教不了解好朋友的思考习惯，在解决问题上可能没有自己去帮助有效率；
2. 帮助朋友的同时，复习并消化所学知识；
3. 增进友谊；

标准五段式，从组织上没有什么问题~

Development:
1. 论点一： 好朋友比助教能更快找到最容易理解的解题方式； 作者本身态度明确，但是在段落论述中忽视了“Homework"这个重点词，所以整个段落有点不明不白，也没有具体的例子来支撑这个观点。
2. 论点二： 帮助别人时同时温习知识。 论点本身是到位的，但是第二段的连接词没用对，用了Admittedly,这是个让步段的词，用错了影响较大。 同样的，你可以三两句说一个例子，比如你在帮助同学解决数学问题，发现新的知识点，的呢过的呢过。
3. 论点三：增进友谊。 有例子，这段的发展不错。

Language:
注意用词准确，如 surmount 越过，战胜 多用于接obstacle/ difficulties，一般不接problems.  再如lack of 短语中lack 是名词

sodapengUID：3242849

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It's important for the governments to provide money to things that are beautiful and not just for things that are practical.

id：fsi045662

The pace of change has increased(pace has increased 这个搭配不是很妥当，而且change这个词觉得有些宽泛 可以考虑改成 the society has developed at a rapid rate) beyond our wildest expectation nowadays. Those changes provide people with more（删）freer condition and allow them to propose their own opinions.(个人觉得这里和前面衔接不是很好，前面只是单纯的说了change happened，之后就说了这个change 让people 能够更好的 propose opinions。但是一直没有说到底是谁什么样的change发生了，让人们能更好的表达自己的观点。是科技进步了，可以通过网络等快捷方式发表言论，还是社会体制的改变，让人们有权利表达自己的观点。这一点没有说清。) Various ideas about what the government should to do are hold by different people. However, this phenomenon give rise to a heated discussion over the issue: whether should government offer money to beautiful things or practical ones. As far as my concerned, I thoroughly maintain that government should provide most of its money to do practical things

开头是做引入观点，介绍背景，以及表明作者立场作用。但是觉得这篇的引入让人有点摸不着头脑，一些change，人们propose ideas ，然后就讨论到了government上，觉得有些牵强。个人觉得这篇的引入可以写成比如说government的funding很紧张，于是就rise heated debate究竟资助哪些好。或者可以写现在一个国家的综合实力很大程度取决于经济 科技等发展（即 practical ones）但是有人说其他方面也很重要比如文化 环境等（即beautiful ones）我说的第二个背景当然与你自己对practical 和beautiful 的定义不同而有所不同，但是模式都是一样的。这样的引入会不会更通顺点呢？

First, it is universally acknowledged that the duty of a government is satisfy people's basic demands such as houses and food. In fact, a huge amount of people who live in the （删）remote region in China are suffered from lacking of food（觉得这里如果用food shortage等会更好）. We cannot ignore their pains and use money to do some eye-catching but useless things .Instead of that, we could use those financial support to change their difficult life（这里的change用的不是很精确 改成improve ameliorate enhace 等）. This action will be considered as a helpful measure which （改成that）a qualified government takes. It also help the government get a good reputation in the public.

这段的观点是一些practical method 不仅能帮助需要帮助的人，还能帮助government提高形象。例子用的是贫困地区的温饱问题。我觉得这个例子还能更展开描述一下，描述一下有多少人因为饥饿而死亡，各种疾病无法医治，是怎样desperate in need of money 来解决这个问题 有了钱之后又怎样提高生活质量，挽救可多少人。我觉得在写例子的时候多一些details 多一些数字，能让你的例子更加饱满有说服力。

Moreover, most of people in rural region even who live in the cities need some practical things such as safety followed by basic demands. Maslow, an American scholar, point out that all human are motivated to fill a hierarchical pyramid of needs. The needs of safety are above（删） the basic needs. In his opinion, only after people meet the needs of food and safety do they seek for higher-level needs such as beauty. In this condition, more resources should be fill people's low-level demands. Since government in our city cannot totally ensure our safety, more budget should focus on this aspect.

这段的论点还是在强调practical ones 能够满足人们basic needs 其实本质和第二段的意思一样，而且这段的论述利用马斯洛的例子，论证的时候，除了说明马斯洛的需求阶级理论，还应该强调一下我们现在的社会状况是怎样的，为什么要追求basic need，而不是更高层次。那是因为现在社会甚至连一些边缘地区人的温饱问题-即最底层需求 physical 需求-都没有满足到，何来追求更高层次-即beauty。所以这一段应该和第二段合起来说。

Admittedly, beautiful things have its own merits like making people always in a good mood. The advantages of paying more energy and resources in practical things far outweigh beautiful things when people's basic demands take into consideration.

这段让步就比较牵强了，让步是说beautiful things能让people有好心情，是什么beautiful things 让人们变得心情好，怎样变得，这些问题都没有阐述清楚，只是单纯的摆出这个观点，之后一下表明practical ones 更加重要。为什么更加重要？都没有论述清楚，很难让人信服你的观点。

To sum up, all reliable facts point to one saying: that is doing more practical things considered to be the most important factor of a good government.

我们先分析一下题目，题目主干就是到底是beautiful ones 还是 practical ones 。其实什么样的东西是归于beautiful 里面的，什么是归于practical 里面的，题目并没有明确的界定，那么就需要作者给予一个比较明确的界定或者说是定义。这个部分就应该体现在首段，或者在各段分论点中说明。这篇文章就是缺少这样的明确界定。
其次是在论证展开方面，注意在举例论证的时候，要注意一些细节的表达，并且要注意要将论据和论点通过论证来联系在一起，而非单纯的抛例子，例子说完就完事了。
语言方面，单句有些多，可以尝试的用一些从句等，长短句结合。