[范文分析] wglxh的写作建议中篇：以修改galaxysong糟糕的ISSUE88为例 [复制链接]

wglxh
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发表于 2004-2-10 16:16:02 |只看该作者

[重要]再谈英文写作建议---以修改galaxysong糟糕的ISSUE88为例

（文章帖：https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=165694）

总体看来，这篇文章很差。但比我看到的论坛中的其他文章要好得多。观点比较清楚，逻辑也算顺畅。但是众多语言上的不足使这篇文章到处都有表义不清的地方。我敢肯定的一点是，在老外眼里，这是一篇让人摸不着头脑的文章，我也是凭借着汉语的逻辑才算弄明白作者的意图。
  但是，这是一篇值得仔细修改的文章。从中可以看出具备一定语言功底的G友在写作时存在的很多问题。其实只要多多练习和修改，作者起码可以写出5分的文章。斑竹的评价是过高了，毕竟这篇文章和ETS的六分范文的差距是本质上的。
  以下是我的一些不成熟的建议，希望给诸位G友做个参考。逐字逐句的“拍砖”还望作者不要见怪。个人水平有限，请大家指正。

1。In my opinion, the question whether technologies determine social customs and ethics can not be answered by a simple "yes" or "no". The key to its answer is how to interpret or define the word "determine".
第一段在意思上是个不错的开头，但作者的表达实在是不敢恭维。我想，如果是我的英文老师（老外，博士，出版过英文小说，英语报纸专栏作家）来改的话，他多半会划掉整段话，然后标一个大大的“Vague".
一。"yes or no"的说法很多余，注意whether的意思，并且看起来一点都不生动，十分别扭。
二。 “The key..."一句纯属”CHINGLISH“，根本不符合英文的表达，况且完全表达不出作者想表达的意思。建议修改：To answer this question, we must define the term "determine" clearly.

2.If the claim of the speaker just means that "the domains of technologies set the boundaries of the customs and ethics," I will present my agreement with little reserve. Just take sexism once overwhelmed throughout the main civilizations of the world for example.
In a long period before the industrialization, burdensome and risky manual labor is equired in most sorts of jobs and thus men, who had the advantage of women in this aspect, dominated the open world outdoors. The invention and application of spinning machine made a path to the modern society, in which skills have surpassed sheer
labors, and opened a gate to women who have become competent in many new kinds of work offered by developed technologies. In the process of this propound economic and social change, more and more womem found their power to claim new rights commensurate with their new contributions. So the domination of men in customs and ethics now declines in many of he countries who have passed the industrialization.

一、I will present my agreement with little reserve.首先，正确的表达应该是"reservation",其次，这样说没什么意义，整个段落都是显然的支持，改为更直接明确的说法会好很多。比如“I will agree with him."
二.时刻要注意时态，这在英语中极其重要：In a long period before the industrialization, burdensome and risky manual labor is (改was)required in most sorts of (去掉 “sorts of")jobs and thus men, who had (have)the advantage of women in this aspect, dominated the open world outdoors.除了括号中的修改外：
"burdensome" 应改为“onerous",因为前者更强调精神上的负担。
”in this aspect" 指代不清，如果直译意思荒谬。改为：“ who have the advantage over women in strength and....(类似的词都可以）"
”dominated the open world outdoors.“ 什么意思？
三。句子的真正含义：一个句子当去掉其修饰成分（包括各种修饰补充类从句）后，应当表达一个明确的意思。The invention and application of spinning machine made a path to the modern society, in
which skills have surpassed sheer labors, and opened a gate to women who have become competent in many new kinds of work offered by developed technologies. 这句话表达了多少个意思，哪个是重点？两个主要意思都放在不起眼的从句中，能看得舒服才怪。
四.In the process of this propound economic and social change, more and more womem found their power to claim new rights commensurate with their new contributions。类似process,system这种词在句中出现时，所起的作用往往只有一个“凑字数”---即“废话”。改成“in
this change"多简单明了。
五。So the domination of men in customs and ethics now declines in many of the countries who have passed the industrialization.
  四五两句话之间看不出什么明显的转折关系，两个可能的原因是：要不中间缺东西，要不四句应该表达“确实获得了相应的权利”这样一个意思而不仅仅是“found the power"
"so"在正规的英文写作中几乎不用，想想吧，改成”as a result"会是什么效果。此外therefore等词都可用，所以不要SO来SO去，看着别扭。
  最后一个从句简直搞笑，“in many industrialized contries"难道不够么？

  太长了，所以分开写。作者无须难过，当初我自认为写的好的文章叫给老师批改后，从500多字删的剩下了50多字。继续努力吧。

  记住：It is more difficult to write simply, directly, and effectively than to employ flowery but vague expressions that only obscure one’s meaning。

write and rivise, again and again.

[范文分析] wglxh的写作建议中篇：以修改galaxysong糟糕的ISSUE88为例 [复制链接]

[重要]再谈英文写作建议---以修改galaxysong糟糕的ISSUE88为例

[重要]再谈英文写作建议---以修改糟糕的ISSUE88为例(续)

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