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samanthalyc
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2012-11-9 12:39:14 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 samanthalyc 于 2012-11-13 20:00 编辑

今天正式开贴，以前作文都是自己改的，闭门造车的结果是作文只有21分~~~恳请gters的协助！
刚刚帖子怎么被删了呢，哭~~
RO老师，作文在13楼哈，谢谢你哦~~
题目：patience is usually not a good strategy. we should take action now rather than later.
提纲：
1.耐心是智慧
2.耐心是美德
3.让步：take action quickly可以增加成功几率
正文：
In modern society, it seems that everything is developing and changing at a dramatic pace. When it comes to decision-making, we are inclined to make the quick or even rash decision in a short time, as if someone behind is compelling us to hurry up. Even though taking action immediately can somewhat enhance the chance to reach the goal, especially when emergency occurs, it is undoubted to say that acting with patience possess many essential assets in long-term perspective.

At first glance, patience might be seen as a sign of weakness-i.e. too emotionally timid to dare to make the quick decision. Instead, as the Bible says, patience originated from wisdom. People who take action after contemplation are more likely to make it a point to succeed. On the other hand, those without patience take risk to accomplish the task if they act imprudently and recklessly. In business field, efficiency is always deemed as key element to stand out from the fierce competition. But, efficiency cannot be equal to quickness. For example, boss cannot decide whether or not a new annex should be created in a certain area without sound consideration. Far too often, a mathematic model including some feasibility analysis is required, which is supposed to take time and efforts.

Furthermore, patience is a virtue for everyone to pursue. Learning to be patient, it may work wonders to find how relaxation could improve your relationship with others and also pose positive effect on your own. Last term, I tutored my little brother with his homework. He failed to understand Gauss Theorem even after I explained it to him for several times, which drove nearly mad about him. Fortunately, I told myself to be patient and calm down to find a better way for his age to easily comprehend. In the end, patience was not in vain, he got it thoroughly and was grateful for my help. As for me, I felt a sense of achievement in helping him to go over this obstacle. Therefore, acting in patience, especially helping others patiently instead of handling the problem quickly without genuinely considering where the nature of the problem lies, can solve the problem.

Admittedly, considering the ascending pace of life, it is reasonable for people to hasten themselves and get the things done as quickly as possible. In some situations, the faster we get in action, the higher chance we succeed, the less chance we get perplexed with fears. In the middle east, people there are still subject to water shortage to accommodate their daily needs. If we don’t take action to rescue them in adversity, people would be endangered. However, only if we take action quickly but not blindly can we make sense to address the problem.

In a nutshell, arguments over whether being patient to action or acting at once should be discussed following diverse situations. Without doubt, however, patience always yield people to stay sober-minded to avoid recklessness.

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沙发

发表于 2012-11-9 14:41:14 |只看该作者

加油呀，最后一战！

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板凳

发表于 2012-11-9 14:59:36 |只看该作者

楼主加油

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地板

发表于 2012-11-10 17:28:01 |只看该作者

这个写得好好，收藏了~

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5楼

发表于 2012-11-10 19:50:22 |只看该作者

mdangson 发表于 2012-11-10 17:28
这个写得好好，收藏了~

谢谢鼓励，能给些建议么？

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6楼

发表于 2012-11-10 20:29:50 |只看该作者

瓦写得没你好，还想问问你怎么学的呢。

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7楼

发表于 2012-11-10 21:11:36 |只看该作者

mdangson 发表于 2012-11-10 20:29
瓦写得没你好，还想问问你怎么学的呢。

呵呵，我一战作文21分呢，临场发挥的，sigh~平时练习我都得花一个多小时呢

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8楼

发表于 2012-11-10 21:13:35 |只看该作者

samanthalyc 发表于 2012-11-10 21:11
呵呵，我一战作文21分呢，临场发挥的，sigh~平时练习我都得花一个多小时呢

但是你语言至少比我好多了。我接下来要写proposal什么的，对自己的语言很无语，因为是文科生，写英文毫无美感，还有咯咯楞楞的语法错误。所以申请总是不给力。其实考试这招暂时不说的话，你语言方面是怎么学的啊？能跟我说说吗？拜托了啊！

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9楼

发表于 2012-11-10 22:15:43 |只看该作者

mdangson 发表于 2012-11-10 21:13
但是你语言至少比我好多了。我接下来要写proposal什么的，对自己的语言很无语，因为是文科生，写英文毫无 ...

语言的话，我平时看英文的文章也很少，但是我建议你可以，看着好的句子，可以摘抄下来，尽量背住~学语言嘛，都是先模仿的

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10楼

发表于 2012-11-10 22:21:12 |只看该作者

samanthalyc 发表于 2012-11-10 22:15
语言的话，我平时看英文的文章也很少，但是我建议你可以，看着好的句子，可以摘抄下来，尽量背住~学语言嘛 ...

我也这么想到了。谢谢你啦~

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11楼

发表于 2012-11-11 07:07:49 |只看该作者

Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now rather than later.

In the modern society, it seems that everything is developing and changing at a dramatic pace. When it comes to decision-making, we are inclined to make a quick or even rash decision in a short time, as if someone behind is compelling us to hurry up. Even though taking action immediately can somewhat enhance the chance to reach the goal, especially when emergency occurs, it is undoubted to say that acting with patience possesses many essential assets in the long-term perspective.

At first glance, patience might be seen as a sign of weakness-i.e. too emotionally timid to dare to make the quick decision. Instead ('instead' does not mean 'on the contrary' or 'but'. It means 'in its stead', i.e. 'in the place of the thing previous mentioned, as a substitute'. It expresses an alternative, which is not really the kind of relationship between the two views of patience here.), as the Bible says, patience originated from wisdom. People who take actions after contemplation are more likely to make it a point to succeed (This actually means they make a serious emphasize on success, not that they actually succeeded.). On the other hand, those without patience take risk to accomplish the task if they act imprudently and recklessly. (to 'take risk' to do something means to do something knowing that failure is a possibility. It doesn't mean that the task itself would be actually risky, or riskier. In other words, no matter you act prudently or recklessly, you still take the same risk in doing things, only the possibility/amount of actual risk would probably be different. What you want to express here, by my guess, is that they 'risk' the task itself if they act recklessly.) In business field, efficiency is always deemed as a key element for a person to stand out from the fierce competition (Only people stand out from competition, not 'elements'. You don't even say 效率是脱颖而出的关键因素 in Chinese,but 效率是让你脱颖而出的关键因素, yes? (The first sentence might be acceptable in casual oral communication, but we're talking about proper grammar for written essays here.) You have the tendency of throwing phrases into your sentences without considering what they actually describe and how exactly they are meant to be used.). But, efficiency cannot be equal to quickness. For example, a boss cannot decide whether or not a new annex should be created in a certain area without sound consideration. Far too often, a mathematics/al model including some feasibility analysis is required, which is supposed to take time and efforts.

Furthermore, patience is a virtue for everyone to pursue. Learning to be patient, it may work wonders in/for finding how relaxation could improve your relationship with others and also pose positive effects on your own.(Too much information in one sentence, and not properly organized. 1. What does patience have to do with 'relaxation'? 2. 'on your own' doesn't mean 'on yourself'. It means 'by yourself, alone'.) Last term, I tutored my little brother on his homework.('with' his homework would mean you did the tutoring using his homework as teaching material.) He failed to understand Gauss Theorem (either the Gauss Theorem, or Gauss's Theorem.) even after I explained it to him for several times, which drove nearly mad about him (Either you drive him mad, or he drives you mad, but not 'drive mad about him'.). Fortunately, I told myself to be patient and calm down to find a better way for his age to easily comprehend (A person's age doesn't 'comprehend' things. Only the person himself can comprehend. This is actually a jumbo of 'a better way for his age so that he can easily comprehend it'. Again, you have the tendency of stringing phrases together into a sentence without much consideration of whether it is actually correct to do so. Do not get into the habit of writing these long-phrased sentences just because you think they will make your essay look very accomplished. Use clauses or separate sentences when appropriate.). In the end, my patience was not in vain; he got it thoroughly and was grateful for my help. As for me, I felt a sense of achievement in helping him to go over this obstacle. Therefore, acting in patience, especially helping others patiently instead of handling the problem quickly without genuinely considering where the nature of the problem lies, can solve the problem.

Admittedly, considering the ascending pace of life, it is reasonable for people to hasten themselves and get the things done as quickly as possible. In some situations, the faster we get in action, the higher chance we succeed, the less chance we get perplexed with fears. (Read this in the normal subject-verb-adverb order – 'we get in action faster, we succeed higher chance, we get perplexed with fears less chance' – and you should be able to see the problem for yourself. This is an example of trying to use sentence structures that you haven't fully grasped. If you're not 100% sure how to do this construct 'the <comparative>…the <comparative>…' correctly, you need to practise until you are, or just don't use it at all.) In the Middle East, people there are still subject to water shortage to accommodate their daily needs. If we don’t take action to rescue them in adversity, people would be endangered. However, only if we take action quickly but not blindly can we make sense to address the problem.(Well, this is essentially the same kind of problem as for the boss trying to decide whether to build a new annex – and now you don't need a good model and a feasibility analysis and should act quickly? Think about your examples and how they compare with each other so that the examples don't backfire on your own arguments..)

In a nutshell, arguments over whether being patient to action or acting at once should be discussed following diverse situations.(Didn't see that being fully discussed in the essay. You only said 'patience is wisdom' and 'patience is a virtue', and 'in some cases we should act quickly', but not 'this should be discussed with regard to a variety of situations'..) Without doubt, however, patience always yield people to stay sober-minded to avoid recklessness (I think I see what your problem is: you tend to string sentences into infinitive 'to do' phrases when it is more appropriate to use a separate clause, as in '..yield people who stay..'. Not all verbs in English can have 'to do' phrases following their objects, albeit many action verbs do, like 'make', 'ask', 'request' – but please don't add 'to do' phrases blindly because of that..).

总结：

论述方面正面论点还好，但是让步让得很粗糙，例子没有考虑好哈~语言上词汇基本语法都不错，但是请注意句读，不要把所有要说的都用to+不定式挤到一个句子里，该分句的时候就要考虑分句哈~

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12楼

发表于 2012-11-12 14:42:23 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2012-11-11 07:07
Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now rather than later.

In the mode ...

感谢老师！看的好仔细，我想问问''the faster we get in action, the higher chance we succeed, the less chance we get perplexed with fears'' 这句话我要改的话，能否写成：the faster we get into action, the higher chance of success we gain,the less chance of getting perplexed with fears.
您的评价很中肯，谢谢！

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13楼

发表于 2012-11-12 22:12:07 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 samanthalyc 于 2012-11-13 20:28 编辑

题目：a person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.
提纲：disagree: social life > job
比较题真心难写~看了RO老师之前给其他同学的评论，发现自己也悲剧的写成描述型的了~~
1.朋友可以减压
2.朋友 social activities
3.让步：job可以self-improvement从而产生幸福感
正文：
In every corner of the world, people are striving for happiness and fulfillment; no matter they are poor or wealthy, sick or healthy. Sometimes, an unexpected regards through message from a new acquaintance would make you smile slightly and bring you a good mood in the whole day; or sometimes, a job promotion to pay tribute to your work performance and dedication, which you expect for long, would give you a sense of achievement. Undoubtedly, lots to be happy for. However, as I see it, keeping in social contact with people around you regularly, especially with your friends, you may taste a deeper sense of genuine happiness for relatively longer time than your job does.

In the first place, friends could relieve our life stress, and further, elevate our level of life-satisfaction. No one can sail the ocean of life single-handed. Since life is saturated with strife and conflicts, when we face the thorny problems or fall in a depressed mood, friends are necessary, like a hint of warm sunshine take away the shadow and gloom. Recently I was fully packed with intensive workload from midterm exam and internship. Feeling that little leisure time and pressure has nearly eroded my happiness, I turned to my friend Susan for help. She told me how she got through her difficulties and gave me confidence that I could overcome it as well. After that, far too often, she has been concerned whether or not I felt better about my recent life, which makes me feel warm and touched.

In addition, accompanied by friends, happiness always come together with social activities .Getting free from the restrain of work or study in our spare time, we could pour ourselves into entertainment and enjoy the life. Picking our favorite place, like an outdoor bar or White Beach, inviting some friends in a bright sunny day or a serenely peaceful night, no matter we are chatting or just keeping silence, it will become a beautiful scene in our memory. Whenever I look back on these memories afterwards, a sense of happiness stole over me.

Admittedly, stark competition in today’s workplace, without doubt, propel us to work hard in which process that we purse goals enable us to make a self-improvement and have a sense of achievement. (觉得这句话有问题，可是不知该怎么表达)However, without proper way to vent pressure or burden from job, such competition cannot provide the positive energy to shape your happy life. Also, no matter how much you upgrade yourself or the achievement you make, the sense of happiness from job is transient, when compared with which we share with our friends in social communication.

In a nutshell, being in the social contact with surroundings, you may sense a lot more happiness than you gain from your job. Friends are those who can share all your worries, troubles and lessen you burden; also, we can share our joy and double the happiness.

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14楼

发表于 2012-11-15 09:17:22 |只看该作者

samanthalyc 发表于 2012-11-12 22:12
题目：a person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does. ...

A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.

In every corner of the world, people are striving for happiness and fulfillment; no matter whether they are poor or wealthy, sick or healthy. Sometimes, an unexpected regards through a message from a new acquaintance would make you smile slightly and bring you a good mood for the whole day; or sometimes, a job promotion to pay tribute to your work performance and dedication, which you expect for long, would give you a sense of achievement. Undoubtedly, there are lots to be happy for. However, as I see it, keeping in social contact with people around you regularly, especially with your friends, you may taste a deeper sense of genuine happiness for relatively longer time than your job does. (The primary problem with this topic statement is that it seems to mean 'the happiness from your social life is better than the happiness from your job'. But the question is not about comparing the quality of happiness from these two source, rather it's more about quantity – 'more effects'. You can of course talk about quality and argue that this can be a definition of 'more' happiness, but then you have to explicitly argue for all this.)

In the first place, friends could relieve our life stress, and further, elevate our level of life-satisfaction (There are no such words, for 'life' is not an adjective that means 'belonging to life'. The most default and usually correct way to put nouns together is to use a preposition, e.g. 'stress in/about/from/of life'. I'd suggest that you don't try to invent new nouns on your own.). No one can sail the ocean of life single-handedly. Since life is saturated with strife and conflicts, when we face the thorny problems or fall in a depressed mood, friends are necessary, like a hint of warm sunshine taking away the shadow and gloom. (Again, I'd usually suggest that you split this into two sentences, unless you're very sure you know how to do everything in one sentence correctly.) Recently I was fully packed with an intensive workload from midterm exams and an internship (Countable nouns cannot stand on their own bare singulars like this. You must use either an article or the plural form.). Feeling that little leisure time and pressure has nearly eroded my happiness, I turned to my friend Susan for help. She told me how she got through her difficulties and gave me confidence that I could overcome it as well. After that, far too often (This actually has a negative connotation, as in, 'overly frequent, more frequent than necessary'.), she has been concerned whether or not I felt better about my recent life, which makes me feel warm and touched.

In addition, accompanied by friends, happiness always comes together with social activities (I'm not really getting what this sentence means. Do you mean social activities are happy only when you are accompanied by friends? Do you mean if you have friends then your social activities will always be happy?).Getting free from the restrain of work or study in our spare time, we could pour ourselves into entertainment and enjoy the life (This 'life' can appear as a bare singular because it is abstract and means a generic concept of 'life', rather than specific countable instances of people's lives.). Picking our favorite place, like an outdoor bar or White Beach, inviting some friends in a bright sunny day or a serenely peaceful night, no matter we are chatting or just keeping silence, it will become a beautiful scene in our memory. Whenever I look back on these memories afterwards, a sense of happiness stole over me.

Admittedly, the stark competition in today’s workplace, without doubt, propels us to work hard in which the process that we pursue goals enable us to make a self-improvements and have a sense of achievement. (The problem with this sentence is that you're simply trying to squeeze way too much within one sentence. I don't even fully understand the meaning of it. I can't quite figure out where the clause boundaries are, or which phrases belong to which clause. Clauses like 'in which', 'that' are not the only way to connect sentences. In fact, connection in meaning is much useful than mere physical connection in the form/grammar of the sentence. You'd do much better with something like '..propels us to work hard. In this process, we can pursue goals. These goals enable us to make self-improvements and ..') However, without a proper way to vent the pressure or burden from the job, such competition cannot provide the positive energy to shape your happy life. Also, no matter how much you upgrade yourself or the achievement you make is, the sense of happiness from the job is transient, when compared with which we share with our friends in social communication.

In a nutshell, being in the social contact with the surroundings (The word 'surroundings' on its own usually mean the physical environment you're in, and that doesn't count as 'social' contact.), you may sense a lot more happiness than you gain from your job.(You have a quantitative term 'more' here, but there is no quantitative comparison in your essay.) Friends are those who can share all your worries, troubles and lessen you burdens; also, we can share our joy and double the happiness.

总结:

你的从句句法掌握不是非常牢固啊，如果不确定句法的正确，不要逼自己把所有的东西都放在一句话里说完哈~论述上一个是比较题写成描述，另外是你也要看清让你比什么，这个题目让你比的是数量more和效果effects，而不是单纯的质量神马的。。

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