寄托天下
查看: 6580|回复: 41
打印 上一主题 下一主题

[活动] 新人作文,求重拍。。。 [复制链接]

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
2
寄托币
387
注册时间
2010-5-17
精华
0
帖子
2
跳转到指定楼层
楼主
发表于 2010-8-26 21:48:56 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
本帖最后由 zcnvszwj 于 2010-8-26 21:55 编辑

第一篇,耗时75分钟,题目来自独立写作小组9月版
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Newspapers and magazines are the best ways to learn about a foreign country

consisting of more and more fresh photographs and various contents, newspapers and magazines are becoming of main methods for people to learn about a foreign country. in my opinion, however, they still haven't been the best way and own no chance in future. to touch some information of a foreign county on culture, economics, education and something like that, we should not limit ourselves in few media.
for most of us, a country's culture is the first field we would like to meet. absolutely newspapers and magazines provide many introductions on traditional events of different countries, from Christmas day in America to maritime festival in Japan. but all these reports can't be entire and of details as much as possible. one better road to foreign culture is surfing the internet websites of the country, searching details you like. another way i prefer is just travelling to the country. for example, through words and pictures, i could simply learn there is the maritime festival, whereas if i have a visit to Japan during this festival, I will unconsciously know its origin, meaning, celebrities and ceremonies. only by personal touch can i assign that i have really learnt about some country's culture.
secondly, learning about a foreign country sometimes means learning about its economics, since economics stand for an area's development and strength. usually we could find expert analysis on newspaper or magazine, focusing on some country's market. however, if we get quite interested in that, will we stop in reading a few economical reports? the answer is certainly no. we will conclude our sentence after comparing all kinds of economical data form newspaper, magazine, television, internet and even a history book. with necessary, we may telephone some friend in the country whose field is nothing else but economics. a newspaper or a magazine can't reflect whole circumstance.
furthermore, to youth who defined study plan in foreign country, it's very strict to master the educational policy as much as possible. there may be a feature article of a famous university on magazine, but there won't be a policy explanation of foreign study on newspaper, because that's boring for other readers. what's more, several outstanding universities offer free professional lectures to share. for instance, more and more Chinese students downland the open lectures from Yale university and find diverse teaching processes on American campus. that's another study way for foreign students while can't be promoted either on newspaper or on magazine.
summarizing the points above, newspaper or magazine is not the best way to learn about a foreign country, but par of methods. we haven't invent a effective way through which we could know some country very comprehensively, even on a small domain. the best way to learn something appealing, including a foreign country, is mixture of multiple methods.
小个子也有大梦想。。。  
回应
0

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
1
寄托币
434
注册时间
2010-4-2
精华
0
帖子
82
沙发
发表于 2010-8-27 17:14:59 |只看该作者
consisting of more and more fresh photographs and various contents, newspapers and magazines are becoming of (the)main methods for people to learn about a foreign country. in my opinion, however, they still haven't been the best way and own no chance in future. to touch some information of a foreign county on culture, economics, education and something like that, we should not limit ourselves in few media.8 t$ @8 {4 a9 t# O
for most of us, a country's culture is the first field we would like to meet. absolutely newspapers and magazines provide many introductions on traditional events of different countries, from Christmas day in America to maritime festival in Japan. but all these reports can't be entire and of details as much as possible. one better road to foreign culture is surfing on the internet websites of the country, searching details you like. another way i prefer is just travelling to the country. for example, through words and pictures, i could simply learn there is the maritime festival, whereas if i have a visit to Japan during this festival, I will unconsciously(随便加个词进去要解释的,怎么不知不觉的就知道呢?要么就不加 。) know its origin, meaning, celebrities and ceremonies. only by personal touch can i assign that i have really learnt about some country's culture. 倒装句,挺好的!secondly, learning about a foreign country sometimes means learning about its economics, since economics stand for an area's development and strength. usually we could find expert analysis on newspaper or magazine, focusing on some country's market. however, if we get quite interested in that, will we stop in reading a few economical reports? the answer is certainly no. we will conclude our sentence after comparing all kinds of economical data form newspaper, magazine, television, internet and even a history book. with necessary, we may telephone some friend in the country whose field is nothing else but economics. a newspaper or a magazine can't reflect whole circumstance." S; V# d8 d$ X1 g6 a! {
furthermore, to youth who defined study plan in foreign country, it's very strict to master the educational policy as much as possible. there may be a feature article of a famous university on magazine, but there won't be a policy explanation of foreign study on newspaper, because that's boring for other readers. what's more, several outstanding universities offer free professional lectures to share. for instance, more and more Chinese students downland the open lectures from Yale university and find diverse teaching processes on American campus. that's another study (studying) way for foreign students while can't be promoted either on newspaper or on magazine.这个从句想表达什么意思?这个从句里都没有主语哎。。。。。 + f% |0 A& c0 s  N$ V; q8 D
summarizing the points above, newspaper or magazine is not the best way to learn about a foreign country, but par of methods. we haven't invent a effective way through which we could know some country very comprehensively, even on a small domain. the best way to learn something appealing, including a foreign country, is mixture of multiple methods.
大小写就不帮你改了,句子开头和I 都要大写。
读着很累人,有些句子读着很费解,别说是我们读了,老外读着不是更费解?有些句子看上去是像是很蹩脚的翻译。希望楼多看些好的文章,写的地道些。
楼主还要多加油啊。
个人水平品有限,有改的不对的地方还请见谅。
从哪里跌倒就从哪里站起来!我一定能行!

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
16
寄托币
262
注册时间
2010-8-26
精华
0
帖子
10
板凳
发表于 2010-8-27 21:56:26 |只看该作者
我自己的语法不太好,就不帮你挑语法错误了,见谅。有个感觉和2楼差不多,读起来有些吃力。
总体感觉你的论题不错,可见你还是费了不少心思的,论证里的材料举的也很好,尤其是Yale 的课程这个例子。
summarizing the points above,这句话也值得我学习。
不足之处是:句首的大写。

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
2
寄托币
387
注册时间
2010-5-17
精华
0
帖子
2
地板
发表于 2010-8-29 09:50:25 |只看该作者
8月28日交

(09.02.27NA)Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time but a low salary is better than a job with a high salary but less vacation time.

Most of us have a dream, which is earning a big salary with vocation time as long as possible. Of course it can't come true, for no boss in the world will agree the assignment above, so we have to pick up one and give up the other. However, in my opinion, both high salary and long vocation time could belong to me, in my different life sections.
After graduation from college, I would like a job with higher salary and less vocation. Since I haven't set up my financial fundament, the first mission is just to complete it, or I will never own conditions to do what I want. Without enough money, I can't support my parents economically after their retirement, buy a BMW saloon car driving me everywhere, or even enjoy a small delicious diner. Secondly, to youth, although vocation could relax people's spirits, sometimes it effects negatively. for example, on the first working day after the golden week, one longest vocation time in China, there are various news of how workers haven't adjust to their job, expressing laziness and low efficiency. What’s more, if I choice a job with less salary and more vocation, what could I do during vocation? I could only stay at home, playing computer games or sleeping all the day, because of the lack of money. Then the vocation time is definitely equal to unmeaningful time.
However, when I get old, I will prefer the other option, a job with less salary and more vocation. I change my choice with three reasons following. first of all, the most important issue to the aged, is their health. More salary attaches more work or difficult task, that's harmful to my senile body. On the other hand, benefiting the savings from previous life, I own financial condition to make my vocation rich and colorful. I will become addicted in travelling in grand scenic spot, playing golf with my best friends and swallow numerous kinds of food so long as my doctor allow. Furthermore, after industrious work for tens of years, it's the turn to forget boring graph on report form and relax myself lying on sand beach full of sunshine. at that time, job is only a small part of my life while vocation is the essential one.
Summarizing the points above, I do believe everyone should choice both high salary with less vocation time and low salary with more vocation time, depending on your age. Since the life consists of two styles, hard-working and relaxing, why do we experience both of them?
小个子也有大梦想。。。  

使用道具 举报

Rank: 2

声望
6
寄托币
333
注册时间
2010-7-17
精华
0
帖子
12
5
发表于 2010-8-29 17:39:27 |只看该作者
4# zcnvszwj
改好啦~~
附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号?立即注册

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
28
寄托币
345
注册时间
2010-4-3
精华
0
帖子
60
6
发表于 2010-8-29 18:38:05 |只看该作者
“vocation could relax people's spirits”,ect.
这样的句子是不是有些Chinglish啦?通篇感觉不够idiomatic哦~
最后一段的choice是名词,动词是choose,这样的错误应该努力避免~
In a passionat escape there must be not only...

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
2
寄托币
387
注册时间
2010-5-17
精华
0
帖子
2
7
发表于 2010-8-29 20:37:45 |只看该作者
受教了。。。感激不尽
小个子也有大梦想。。。  

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
2
寄托币
387
注册时间
2010-5-17
精华
0
帖子
2
8
发表于 2010-9-4 16:11:33 |只看该作者
9月4日交
09.08.01NA  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? If you do not make sure other people (especially influential people or your employers) know about your strengths and accomplishments, you will never get successful in life

Although numerous people have experienced the feeling of self success, like completing an excellent article and enjoying reading it without sharing to others, most kinds of success connect coherently to our society, especially influential persons and our employers. Possessing strength and accomplishment, we still need someone's help, identity and diffusion. Only then will we practically feel successful in our lives.
The first bridge between one's capacity and success is others' help. Living in more and more competitive circumstance, we should not only focus on our strength’s development, but also how to demonstrate it. Unfortunately we don't know the steps of demonstration at most of time. Then if a person, especially an influential one would like to conduct us to show ourselves well, there is no doubt that we will achieve our goals much easier. For instance, Jacky Chen, the famous Kungfu film actor, got his first main role in Hollywood through a successful director. The director confirmed Chen's acting capacity, picked up him among thousands of candidates, and told him the difference between movie filed of Hongkong and that of America. Finally with the director's help, the film won public reception and Chen set up his career aboard successfully.
Secondly, besides our accomplishments, we need others to indentify our success. There are various kinds of success that must be compared within a specific standard by a few professional persons. Gymnastics match is a good example. Many athletes promote beautiful and difficult actions like backward somersault, and then several judges evaluate their demonstration and decide the best one. To some degree, the success is just coming from judges. Without other's compare and judgment, we won't be sure whether our accomplishments have transformed into success.
Furthermore, the necessaries to success consist of not only other's help, identity, but also other's share. As the Chinese idiom said, "feeling happiness can't be better than sharing it". The success can be regarded as some type of happiness here. Imagine a scene, you have achieved the highest score at school, what will you do? Just smile to yourself or share the news with your parents and friends? I believe most of us prefer the latter. Making others feel your success and be happy like you, you will absolutely get much more successful.
Summarizing the points above, people around you is the key to your success. Of course it's not the only one, because the most important condition is your outstanding strength and accomplishment. Developing ourselves, combining our striven with others' help, identity and sharing, then we can't miss our own success in life.
小个子也有大梦想。。。  

使用道具 举报

Rank: 2

声望
1
寄托币
106
注册时间
2010-9-1
精华
0
帖子
4
9
发表于 2010-9-5 23:20:42 |只看该作者
9月4日交
09.08.01NA  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? If you do not make sure other people (especially influential people or your employers) know about your strengths and accomplishments, you will never get successful in life( r; T. H6 c* `- r
" B& `' W9 `) P$ `, _
Although numerous people have experienced the feeling of self success, like(可改为such as,) completing an excellent article and enjoying reading it without sharing to others, most kinds of success connect coherently (最好调到society 后)to our society, especially influential persons and our employers. Possessing strength and accomplishment, we still need someone's help, identity and diffusion. Only then will we practically feel successful in our lives. (可改为 Only we do like this, can we feel success in our live\s.)
The first bridge between one's capacity and success is(最好为owe to) others' help. Living in more and more competitive circumstance, we should not only focus on(应在not only前) our strength’s development, but also how to demonstrate it. Unfortunately we don't know the steps of demonstration at most of time. Then if a person, especially an influential one would like to conduct us to show ourselves well,(and) there is no doubt that we will achieve our goals much easier(good). For instance, Jacky Chen, the famous Kungfu film actor, got his first main role in Hollywood through a successful director. The director confirmed Chen's acting capacity, picked up(choosing) him among thousands of candidates, and told(telling) him the difference between movie filed of(in) Hongkong and that of America. Finally with the director's help, the film won public reception and Chen set up his career aboard successfully.  [" Y4 k) I8 D) x" \
Secondly, besides our accomplishments, we need others to indentify our success. There are various kinds of success that must be compared within a specific standard by a few professional persons. Gymnastics match is a good example. Many athletes promote beautiful and difficult actions like backward somersault, and then several judges evaluate their demonstration and decide the best one. To some degree, the success is just coming from judges. Without other's compare and judgment, we won't be sure whether our accomplishments have transformed into success. & y2 b  \5 b  v% u3 w& g. E
Furthermore, the necessaries to success consist of not only other's help, identity, but also other's share. As the Chinese idiom said, "feeling happiness can't be better than sharing it". The success can be regarded as some type of happiness here. Imagine a scene, you have achieved the highest score at school, what will you do? Just smile to yourself or share the news with your parents and friends? I believe most of us prefer the latter. Making others feel your success and be happy like you, you will absolutely get much more successful.`9 {7 w
Summarizing the points above, people around you is the key to your success.(good) Of course it's not the only one, because the most important condition is your outstanding strength and accomplishment. Developing ourselves, combining our striven with others' help, identity and sharing, then we can't miss our own success in life.
建议:多看看优秀作文,多练!祝你成功!

使用道具 举报

Rank: 2

声望
2
寄托币
83
注册时间
2010-6-17
精华
0
帖子
0
10
发表于 2010-9-6 15:34:47 |只看该作者
改好了~
新人要累积一定的发帖量才能贴附件,我也是前几天才开始能贴的~
附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号?立即注册

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
2
寄托币
387
注册时间
2010-5-17
精华
0
帖子
2
11
发表于 2010-9-7 11:48:36 |只看该作者
2009.8.7 NA  是否同意 parents help determined the future of their children or children allow to make their own choices.
When teenagers encounter several options to choose from, like what kind of job is better, an argument often erupts between them and their parents. That is because teenagers are just used to making their own choice since it's their own life, while their parents prefer to determine their future after much more valuable life experience. Both of them hold potent justifications, so which statement I agree to a higher degree?
Ahead of answering this question, I would like to present an example of myself. After graduation from high school, I need to choose my major in university. The process puzzled me seriously. Addicted in leading people on work and earning high salary, I wanted to study on management.  My parents, on contrary, thought machinery more suitable as it is more practical and easier to hunt a job. Ultimately, I chose a major named process equipment and management, which contains knowledge on two fields. This decision was satisfactory to both of us. This example theorized the best solution, in my opinion, that is parents help children to make their own choice.
Initially, life belong to ourselves, and we should undergo own life, making own decision. We understand ourselves, especially something inside that others haven't learnt. To some extent, it's only we that comprehend which choice is better. For instance, someone desires to be a merchant building an large business empire, but he or she never reveal this idea and just be found of reading economical books, so the parents will regard their child as a future economist. What’s more, although parents’ determination can guarantee us to avoid a few pains in life, there also exist an idiom, “no pains, no gains.” Without suffering difficulties, how are we able to survive facing more challenges and achieve more success?
On the other hand, parents' advice should be taken into account, since their experience is quite previous. Firstly, parents have lived in society tens of years, understanding characters of the circumstance and methods to benefit from it. Undoubtedly, they always come up with several meritorious ideas, such as where the job market is larger. At the same time, parents are sure about our strength and weakness watching our growing up. Their suggestions are definitely depending on it. Therefore, we can’t deny that consulting from our parents will benefit us a lot.
Summarizing the points above, the best solution is not confined on children’s own choice or their parents’ determination, but the mixture of them. Listening to our parents and making our own decision, we will absolutely possess brilliant and unrepentant career.
小个子也有大梦想。。。  

使用道具 举报

Rank: 1

声望
0
寄托币
47
注册时间
2007-1-2
精华
0
帖子
1
12
发表于 2010-9-8 16:43:40 |只看该作者
When teenagers encounter several options to choose from, like what kind of job is better, an argument often erupts between them and their parents. That is because teenagers are just used to making their own choice since it's their own life, while their parents prefer to determine their future
after much more valuable life experience. Both of them hold potent justifications, so which statement I agree to a higher degree?
Ahead of answering this question, I would like to present an example of myself. After graduation from high school, I need to choose my major in university (and it put me in a dilemma.) Addicted in leading people on work and earning high salary, I wanted to study on management.  My parents, on contrary, thought machinery more suitable as it is more practical and easier to hunt a job. Ultimately, I chose a major named process equipment and management, which contains knowledge on two fields. This decision was satisfactory to both of us. This example theorized the best solution, in my opinion, that is parents help children to make their own choice.+ a. N4 R6 I( {" {  d
Initially, life belong to ourselves, and we should undergo own life, making own decision. We understand ourselves, especially something inside that others haven't learnt. To some extent, it's only we that comprehend which choice is better. For instance, someone desires to be a merchant building an large business empire, but he or she never reveal this idea and just be found of reading economical books, so the parents will regard their child as a future economist. What’s more, although parents’ determination can guarantee us to avoid a few pains in life, there also exist an idiom, “no pains, no gains.” Without suffering difficulties, how are we able to survive facing more challenges and achieve more success?
On the other hand, parents' advice should be taken into account, since their experience is quite previous. Firstly, parents have lived in society tens of years, understanding characters of the circumstance and methods to benefit from it. Undoubtedly, they always come up with several meritorious ideas, such as where the job market is larger. At the same time, parents are sure about our strength and weakness watching our growing up. Their suggestions are definitely depending on it. Therefore, we can’t deny that consulting from our parents will benefit us a lot. ; G0 h2 A5 l$ x) i
Summarizing the points above, the best solution is not confined on children’s own choice or their parents’ determination, but the mixture of them. Listening to our parents and making our own decision, we will absolutely possess brilliant and unrepentant career


PS: Good job!. Some sentences are given by some stranger expression pattern. Generally, the first paragraph is very well, while the fellow paragraphs have simple sentences. Some people may think that you use modle in this assigment. In addition, I strongly recommend you to clearly express your meaning using easier and correct words. In other words, do not expression your meaning in a stranger way.

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
2
寄托币
387
注册时间
2010-5-17
精华
0
帖子
2
13
发表于 2010-9-9 19:04:10 |只看该作者
2009.9.11NA  agree or disagree it is only worth watching movies that can teach us something about real life

Definitely, it's ridiculous that only watching movies could teach you something about real life. In that case, all of excellent films will become a kind of philosophy textbook. That's what we excepting? Of course the answer is no. In fact, owning many valuable tips on real life, movies possess some other functions to the audience, such as relaxing them, making them interested in specific fields and touch culture in different countries. With random effect above, a film is worthy of watching.
To begin with, the film’s initial purpose is relaxation, or to bring happiness and comfort to the audience. After a week's strenuous work, it's a wonderful idea, that can't be better, to stay in a cinema with friends, laughing at funny actions and humorous sentences from performers in comedy film. A scientific survey report, out of most people’s thought, shows that during the appearance of Mr. Bean in film, averagely every person laughs over 1.6 times per minute. There is no doubt that we can get relaxed through a comedy film, both on physics and spirits.
Secondly, a remarkable film will interest its audience in specific fields, especially what seem boring on class. For example, the protagonist in a detective film is using physiology knowledge, to judge when this murder happened. Listening to his or her strict statement, you will unconsciously master some key points on physiology, instead of repeating them under your teacher's stare. Another famous example is a series of films named Star War, having encouraged thousands of teenagers to devote in astronomy and study the origin of universe. To some extent, one film is initiatory teachers on one specific aera, like mathematics and machinery, guiding us to stride in it and strive to comprehend more in further study.
Furthermore, the film can be regard as a type of path to learn different culture in different country. Japanese movie often attaches more or less the spirits of Bushido, as well as traditional singing and dancing always presenting in Indian film. Countless foreigners understand the meaning of American Dream through Forrest Gump, and decide to pursue it by working or studying in the United States. Despite of travelling, there isn't other way to touch a culture so directly like watching its films.
Summarizing the points above, film can not only lead us to understand real life, but also have several important functions. The educational purpose of film shouldn't be ignored or magnified, so it is with other impacts. Simply enjoy a film, and naturally feel its goodness.
小个子也有大梦想。。。  

使用道具 举报

Rank: 2

声望
2
寄托币
147
注册时间
2010-6-5
精华
0
帖子
2
14
发表于 2010-9-10 23:20:23 |只看该作者
非常好的文章!
向你学习!
附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号?立即注册

使用道具 举报

Rank: 3Rank: 3

声望
2
寄托币
387
注册时间
2010-5-17
精华
0
帖子
2
15
发表于 2010-9-11 20:07:09 |只看该作者
2009.9.19 NA  Government should more support art museum and music performance than recreational facilities, such as swimming pool or play ground.9 o1
Definitely, it's ridiculous to make educational sites in community, such as museum and music performance, apart from recreational facilities including of swimming pool and play ground, since they express no difference as indispensable parts in everyday life and have no special significance be compared with each other. In my opinion, the government should support not either, but both of them.
Under one hand, education is major responsibility to the government, because it's the government that establishes organizations to educate residents on various knowledge, in order to develop the country and harmonize the society. The educational site, besides of school, is just the key to this process. Visiting a history museum, for instance, we will get proud of unbelievable ancient achievements and feel sadness from catastrophe, understanding our duty on how to develop our motherland suitably. Another example is music performance, which could teach us to appreciate the tranquility of Noctume and the magnificence of the Ninth Symphony. Learning their effects, how can we refuse building educational sites? They are full of importance.
On the other hand, the support to recreational facilities should not be weakened but strengthened. As the name’s meaning, recreational facilities bring entertainment and comfort to people. Many children prefer to play water ball with their parents in swimming pool, as well as some teenagers fond of holding a baseball match on play ground after class. Everyone find his or her happiness within staying in these facilities. There is no excuse to destroy them, or stop developing them. In that case, the society will absolutely become spiritless, with no more genuine laughter.
Furthermore, education and recreation can sometimes transform to each other. A place setting up primarily for educational purpose also owns several recreation functions. Watching an opera in music performance, we will not only appreciate the beauty of art, but also relax our spirits and body. What's more, no one can deny that the swimming pool encourages citizens nearby to learn swimming. So to some extent, we should regard educational sites and recreational facilities as the same conception.
Summarizing the points above, both educational sites and recreational facilities are quite necessary to us, both on education and recreation. The government should meditate how to develop them well, rather than to decide which part is more meaningful.
小个子也有大梦想。。。  

使用道具 举报

RE: 新人作文,求重拍。。。 [修改]
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 立即注册

问答
Offer
投票
面经
最新
精华
转发
转发该帖子
新人作文,求重拍。。。
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1145296-1-1.html
复制链接
发送
报offer 祈福 爆照
回顶部