本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-6-9 08:21 编辑
113)Claim: The surest indicator of agreat nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, orscientists.
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of allits people.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagreewith the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.
Myresponse: The great nations in the world always have agreat influence on the human culture and thus make great contribution to the developmentof the world. 【动作分析:指定概念】 However, some people think that the surestindicator of a great nation is the welfare of all its people. 【动作分析:提出异议观点】 As far as I am concerned, I would firstlyargues that general welfare is not a good indicator; then I will illustrate theachievements of the social elites are better indicators with some examples. 【动作分析:主旨句,首先否定原题目结论】
感觉第一句的定义 还是强调一下是自己的理解好些 不要让人觉得你掌握了真理 既然是概述后面要写的内容 前面的As far as I am concerned, 就有些多余了
有些单词连在一起了
To begin with, admittedly the general welfareof people is essential for our lives, it can’t serve as a reliable indicator ofthe greatness of a nation. 【动作分析:TS1,采用让步的办法】 这一句的结构有问题 前面应该是让步从句 而且觉得这个让步没有意义 To illustrate, the living quality of a personwill be incredibly greatly improved if he or she has access to abundantmaterial goods and quality education. 【动作分析:描述分论点的前提条件】 However, it doesn’t necessary (necessarily) mean that the nation should play an essential role in the international community. 【动作分析:否定前提条件得出的推论】这句话的should用得不好 导致整句话的意思有问题 (played) Maybe the nation has numerous of naturalresources, such as gas, or coals. Consequently, the government has the abilityto enhance and guarantee the living standard of its people. Nevertheless, thiskind of wealthy nations can’t be called “great nations” unless they make somesubstantial contribution to the world. 上一句讲的 play role到这一句没有回应 【动作分析:提出另一种可能性及其结果】
Furthermore, nowadays, people in great nationsalways have people that with outstanding skills in the fields of politics, artand science. 【动作分析:TS2】 应该是这些精英对社会的贡献使国家伟大 感觉你主题句的概括不准
And they can benefit people all over theworld. For instance, 德国一些物理学家,比如瓦特,进行了一系列的发明创造。比如蒸汽机等,为工业革命奠定了基础. As the result, Germany became a great leader in thefirst industrial revolution and a great amount of people’s live have bechanged. 【动作分析:将例子和主题相联系】 你写汉语是什么意思 瓦特是物理学家?
Finally, from a historical perspective, wecan see that the elites are the better indicators of a great nation. 【动作分析:TS3】the elites - the achievements of ... 同意转换要忠实原题
Compared with ordinary people, ancient socialelites often possess the majority of the land and the wealth. 【动作分析:前提条件】 Accordingly, the welfare of the people was muchpoor. 【动作分析:回应题目中的关键词welfare】
However, nations with outstanding rulers,artists and scientists were still considered indispensable for the developmentof the world. For instance, 中国的清朝时期,拥有着雄厚财力的王室贵族们钟爱园林艺术,因此园林艺术得以极大发展,并对世界的园林景观学产生了巨大的影响.Consequently, the achievement of the elites can better measurewhether a certain country is great. 【动作分析:举例子,将影响具体化,】
To sum, if the greatness of nation can bedefined as a nation’s influence to people or the development of society, thesocial elites can be used as a more reliable indicators to measure thegreatness of a nation. While the general welfare may not be a very usefulfactor, as there are less relationships between greatness of nations andgeneral welfare of people. |