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[求助] IBT独立写作，求使劲拍！感激不尽！！ [复制链接]

942wade
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楼主

发表于 2010-11-13 17:09:54 |只看该作者

11.13 A lower-paying job with shorter time that would give you more vacation time is better than a high-paying job that would give you less vacation time.

Some people prefer a lower-paying job with shorter time that would give them more vacation, while others argue that a higher-paying job with less vacation time is better. As far as I am concerned, the former one is comparatively attracting with more time spent with families and more freedom. Besides, people with much vacation time, if smart enough, are sure to earn no less money than those white collars with high pressure.

In the first place, people, with more vacation, are able to share more happiness with their families. For example, they can cook together after work with their spouse and enjoy the fruit of the cooperative undertaking which is no drudgery at all, without the need to rush into a restaurant away from their families; it is also possible for them to dispense with the quarrel about the lack of time to join children's parents' meeting, and have plenty of time to instruct their apples of their eyes the habits of ferocious lions in a zoo, the magic power of harry potter in a cinema and the importance of diligence before sleep at bed. Without all the above, family collision or marital crisis might sneak to the family. Look at the so called white collars in today's society. They are always in a hurry, at home, on the road and in their workplaces, mentally and physically. Hardly do they have time to do anything but work. Though with high income, they have nearly become the slaves of work without basic enjoyment.

Furthermore, with more vacant time, people are allowed to arrange their life more autonomously and have more chances for additional plans. Everyone wants time for their hobbies or dreams. The vacation gifted by a job with shorter time enables us to put in to practice our imaginations to travel around the world, attend a music-training course or to practice our shooting skill on a basketball court. All these that can help us relax or become cultivated would be unimaginable for workaholics whose concentration has almost been diametrically focused on money. Additionally, more free time means more opportunities to improve. For instance, an accountant may do some preparation work for Toefl at weekends as a decent Toefl score indicating excellent English capability, definitely, can add to his/her competitive edges over others. Another accountant fully preoccupied with routine work in the office every day, however, is with more risk of being transplanted or dismissed in case of a layoff without the supplement of new advantages.

Finally, in addition to the domestic harmony and freedom brought by a job with more free time, people with creativity and cleverness can, absolutely, acquire lots of excess money. Thanks to the rapid development of the Internet, business and investment sparetime are both accessible in modern times. It's no eye opener for a store on alibaba to make more than 2000 yuan within one week. Other avenues like stock, futures trading can bring inviting income as well with elaborate management. Moreover, all these profits can be made with only fortuitous attention without any daily exhaustion.

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jcf2008
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沙发

发表于 2010-11-14 09:58:27 |只看该作者

Some people prefer a lower-paying job with shorter time that would give them more vacation, while others argue that a higher-paying job with less vacation time is better. As far as I am concerned, the former one is comparatively attracting with more time spent with families and more freedom. Besides, people with much vacation time, if smart enough（感觉应该是their FQ财商 is high enough ）, are sure to earn no less money than those white collars with high pressure.

In the first place, people, with more vacation, are able to share more happiness with their families. For example, they can cook together after work with their spouse and enjoy the fruit of the cooperative undertaking which is no drudgery at all, without the need to rush into a restaurant away from their families; it is also possible for them to dispense with the quarrel about the lack of time to join children's（可以省去） parents' meeting, and have plenty of time to instruct their apples of their eyes the habits of ferocious lions in a zoo（没明白）, the magic power of harry potter in a cinema and the importance of diligence（虽然不需要前后联系紧密，但这一条的出现太跳跃了） before sleep at bed. Without all the above, family collision or marital crisis might sneak to the family. Look at the so called white collars in today's society. They are always in a hurry, at home, on the road and in their workplaces, mentally and physically（hurry不能连用这两项吧。加上and tired both mentally and physically）. Hardly do they have time to do anything but work. Though with high income, they have nearly become the slaves of work without basic enjoyment. ;

Furthermore, with more vacant time, people are allowed to arrange their life more autonomously and have more chances for additional plans. Everyone wants time for their hobbies or dreams. The vacation gifted by a job with shorter time enables us to put in to (into) practice our imaginations to (改为about V-ing 好些)travel around the world, attend a music-training course or to practice our shooting skill on a basketball court. All these that can help us relax or become cultivated would be unimaginable（感觉用beyond the workaholics imagination） for workaholics whose concentration has almost been diametrically focused on money. Additionally, more free time means more opportunities to improve. For instance, an accountant may do some preparation work for Toefl at weekends as a decent Toefl score indicating excellent English capability, definitely, can add to his/her competitive edges over others. Another accountant fully preoccupied with routine work in the office every day, however, is with more risk of being transplanted or dismissed in case of a layoff without the supplement of new advantages.4 X3 s* u6 ]* d- g'

Finally, in addition to the domestic harmony and freedom brought by a job with more free time, people with creativity and cleverness can, absolutely, acquire lots of excess (改为extra) money. Thanks to the rapid development of the Internet, business and investment spare-time (没明白) are both accessible in modern times. It's no eye opener for a store on alibaba（大写+解释，不然老美不能明白；要不写online store） to make more than 2000 yuan within one week. Other avenues（是想用revenue吗？） like stock, futures trading can bring inviting income as well with elaborate management. Moreover, all these profits can be made with only fortuitous（有点不合适） attention without any daily exhaustion.
建议：1.压缩下每段例子，加个结尾；2.论证时小心偏激、过于绝对，失了偏颇。
革命尚未成功，我们仍需努力。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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942wade
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板凳

发表于 2010-11-14 12:13:22 |只看该作者

4# jcf2008
非常感谢！！希望以后多多指教啊！！

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942wade
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地板

发表于 2010-11-18 22:54:37 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 942wade 于 2010-11-18 23:22 编辑

11.18
People move to a new city or even a new country for some reason such as studying or working abroad. Some ones claim that it is not a good thing to move to a new place because of the loss of friends. While as far as I am concerned, the transition of residency can be appreciably attracting reasoning that it can be associated with more opportunities to improve and greater exposure to exotic culture. Besides, not only is it bent to help us consort new friends, but it also can avod the loss of old friendship if with enough attention.

First, it is quite safe to say that a new city or a new country means more chances. As the Chinese old saying goes, youths should fly their dreams all around the world. It is no big news for youngsters to challenge themselves in big cities in favor of a better job. Admittedly, a new place, with different industry chains and distinct economic policies , can serve new comers differnt choices. As we all know, though born in a large country, many Chinese go abroad to rush for their gold in America, Europe and even in Africa; despite the dense population and fierce competition in Shanghai, lots of applicants would take a try with the hope of being recruited by some company there. It is the potential abundant opportunities that motivated them to begin, almost in no fear of failure, an adventurous journey that is with an outcome of little certainty.

On the other hand, a new city or a different country, with divergent language, exotic diet and probably converse thinking methods, tends to lead the new comers to a exposure of cultural impact. At first, it may be so severe a headache for one to adapt to a totally new environment. While with gradual coordination and adjustment, people can always obtain a lot. They will find themselves far away from original bad habits and with fairly enlarged horizons. Additionally, a person, immersed in a different cultural system, is likely to be edified by local ideology and celebrities. For example, it is no big an exaggeration to say that anyone who have worked or studied in Europe for several years will bring gentility back home

Finally, as to friendship, the word "loss", the way I see it, is a little bit too pessimistic. An adverb ever said, distance can make old friendship more precious and thus consolidated. Byvirtue of separation can old friends treasure each other more strongly and once they meet during festivals or vacations they must have got a lot to talk. Then with more experiences along with more profound understanding of life and mutura relation, old friends, with a solid foundation, are bound to be more steadfast to their friendship. Let me talk about my personal experience. After graduation for college, I, different from my best friend John who found a job abroad, decided to go on with my study to get a master’s degree. Despite the fact that we can not see each other and talk as much as before, we share a lot about each other’s progress and agony by means of emails. And on vacations when he comes back, we talk a lot about our experiences. That our friendship will last forever is clear from the fact we are always encouraging and helping each other.

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norra
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5楼

发表于 2010-11-20 19:51:34 |只看该作者

11.185 i8 ~& c0 i  X5 ]
People  move to a new city or even a new country for some reason such as studying or working abroad. Some ones claim that it is not a good thing to move to a new place because of the loss of friends. While as far as I am concerned, the transition of residency can be appreciably attracting reasoning that it can be associated with more opportunities to improve and greater exposure to exotic culture. Besides, not only is it 有这样的句型么？ bent to help us consort new friends, but it also can avod  avoid the loss of old friendship if with enough attention.

; c

  First, it is quite safe to say that a new city or a new country means more chances. As the Chinese old saying goes, youths should fly their dreams all around the world. It is no big news for youngsters to challenge themselves in big cities in favor of a better job. Admittedly, a new place, with different industry chains and distinct economic policies这个太专业了也许different economic style 就好了 , can serve new comers differnt choices. As we all know, though born in a large country, many Chinese go abroad to rush for their gold这个有点中文可以说找机会，谋求进一步发展等等 in America, Europe and even in Africa; despite the dense population and fierce competition in Shanghai, lots of applicants would take a try with the hope of being recruited by some company there. It is the potential abundant opportunities that motivated them to begin, almost in no fear of failure, an adventurous journey that is with an outcome of little certainty.: |) U  ]7 M( E' G6 e

On the other hand, a new city or a different country, with divergent language, exotic diet and probably converse thinking methods, tends to lead the new comers to a exposure of cultural impact. At first, it may be so severe a headache for one to adapt to a totally new environment. While with gradual coordination and adjustment, people can always obtain a lot. They will find themselves far away from original bad habits and with fairly enlarged horizons. Additionally, a person, immersed in a different cultural system, is likely to be edified by local ideology and celebrities. For example, it is no big an exaggeration to say that anyone who have worked or studied in Europe for several years will bring gentility back home 5 v9 G  S- Q; y6 S' ?

Finally, as to friendship, the word "loss", the way I see it, is a little bit too pessimistic. An adverb ever said, distance can make old friendship more precious and thus  consolidated. By virtue of separation can old friends treasure each other more strongly and once they meet during festivals or vacations they must have got a lot to talk. Then with more experiences along with more profound understanding of life and mutura relation,  old friends, with a solid foundation, are bound to be more steadfast to their friendship. Let me talk about my personal experience. After graduation for college, I, different from my best friend John who found a job abroad, decided to go on with my study to get a master’s degree. Despite the fact that we can not see each other and talk as much as before, we share a lot about each other’s progress and agony by means of emails. And on vacations when he comes back, we talk a lot about our experiences. That our friendship will last forever is clear from the fact we are always encouraging and helping each other.

  文章写得挺好了，可能下一步就是定时写作了，最后建议总结一下，花了不少功夫吧？加油还有，记得去改下我的文章哈

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942wade
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6楼

发表于 2010-11-20 20:13:18 |只看该作者

谢谢，not only 有个倒装的，倒装之后but also部分必须有主语。[img][/img]有图有真相http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/95900680.html?fr=ala1。
马上给你改，希望能对您有所帮助。

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942wade
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7楼

发表于 2010-11-20 20:52:51 |只看该作者

11.20
The government should focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universities.

By virtue of the development of economy, China is focusing more attention and thus more finance on education. While the answer to the question whether our government should focus more budget on very young children education or on universities may vary to different person, I totally agree that children's education should be awarded more bonus points in the financial equation with the fact taken into consideration that children's education play a critical role in a person's development and the improvement of agrarian districts in china.

In the first place, children's education especially the infantry and primary education, as the initial stage of a person's life, is sure to have significant impact on his or her development. Children's character, along with their habits including thinking habits, learning habits and behaving habits, is cultivated during that period. As we all know, most parents would like their children to attend a decent kindergarten or primary school equipped with excellent facilities and considerate teachers; they all want to help their children lay a solid foundation for their whole life. What's more, many college students' excellence derives from their perfect education acquired during their childhood.

Additionally, a big headache for China, the penury of villages and farmers, is, to some extent, due to the inequilibrium of education between the rural and urban areas. In China's village, many children are labeled as "idiot" or "moron" when they are only 5 or 6 years old. However the truth, also the intrinsic reason of this phenomenon, is that children in the country fail to accept the nascent and fundamental education they are entitled to enjoy. It's no surprise that a few months ago, lot of Netizens in China advised the ministry of education to invest more on the construction of kindergartens in rural areas. Once children are properly educated, more college students will, without any doubts, arise from villages, which can make great contributions to the resolution of the issue of rural poverty.
Finally, obvious though the fact is that higher education in colleges is related, directly, to hi-tech industries and economic development, given the truth that graduates in abundance with various degrees join the constructing enterprise every year, young children’s education should be weighted more heavily considered in the long run.

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fletch
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8楼

发表于 2010-11-21 23:46:24 |只看该作者

11.20 Revised by Fletch
to 942wade

The government should focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universities.

By virtue of the development of economy, China is [url=]focusing more attention and thus more finance on education.[/url]（paying more attention to and thus focusing more finance on education
）While the answer to the question whether our government should focus more budget on very young children education or on universities may vary to different person (persons/people), I totally agree that children's education should be awarded more bonus points in the financial equation with the fact taken into consideration that children's education play (plays) a critical role in a person's development and the improvement of agrarian districts in china.

In the first place, children's education especially the[url=] infantry (infant)[/url] and primary education, as the initial stage of a person's life, is sure to have significant impact on his or her development. Children's character, along with their habits including thinking habits, learning habits and behaving habits, is cultivated during that period. As we all know, most parents would like their children to attend a decent kindergarten or primary school equipped with excellent facilities and considerate teachers; they all want to help their children lay a solid foundation for their whole life. What's more, many college students' excellence derives from their perfect education acquired during their childhood.

Additionally, a big headache for China, the penury of villages and farmers, is, to some extent, due to the inequilibrium of education between the rural and urban areas. In China's village （villages）, many children are labeled as "idiot" or "moron" when they are only 5 or 6 years old. However the truth, also the intrinsic reason of this phenomenon, is that children in the country fail to accept the nascent and fundamental education they are entitled to enjoy. It's no surprise that a few months ago, lot of Netizens in China advised the ministry of education to invest more on the construction of kindergartens in rural areas. Once children are properly educated, more college students will, without any doubts, arise from villages, which can make great contributions to the resolution of the issue of rural poverty. (通过加大落后地区教育投资改善教育不平衡现象，是否会改善当地贫穷现状？)

Finally, obvious though the fact is that higher education in colleges is related, directly, to hi-tech industries and economic development, given the truth that graduates in abundance with various degrees join the constructing enterprise every year, young children’s education should be weighted more heavily considered in the long run. （没怎么理解意思）

楼主可能是限时写作，没写结尾段吧？总体感觉不错，词汇量大，语法好。可能论证思路有点偏了，有点像是在论证初期教育重要，而不是论证初期教育重要应该多给初期教育投钱。
谢谢给我改的作文哈，很仔细。一起加油呦！

请大家多多帮助哈。

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空空仔
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9楼

发表于 2010-11-22 01:12:32 |只看该作者

The government should focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universities. # u% n) o8 [5 X+ g0 G
( _8 a' H" O' o! S6 D D) P1 j3 C
By virtue of the development of economy, China is focusing more attention and thus more finance on education. (尚可，但个人觉得经济的蓬勃发展和聚焦教育有些gap吧，也许应该更详细找一下缘由而非搬上这个万能理由；后半句的两名词兼用一动词有些奇怪)While the answer to the question whether our government should focus more budget on very young children education or on universities may vary to different persons, I totally agree that children's education should be awarded more bonus points in the financial equation with the fact taken into consideration that children's education play a critical role in a person's development and the improvement of agrarian districts in china. （感觉有些为用复杂句而用复杂句，句意不是很通畅。。。）
0 Z4 U: c/ U9 Y9 k1 r2 W: {
4 r/ \6 B# s2 ]7 T! I" j7 W, R3 i/ t: cIn the first place, children's education especially the infantry （呵呵，infant）and primary education, as the initial stage of a person's life, is sure to have significant impact on his or her development. Children's character, along with their habits including thinking habits, learning habits and behaving habits, is cultivated during that period. As we all know, most parents would like their children to attend a decent kindergarten or primary school equipped with excellent facilities and considerate teachers; they all want to help their children lay a solid foundation for their whole life. What's more, many college students' excellence derives from their perfect education acquired during their childhood.
+ f# j4 S4 ?5 \; o
' x$ }. A, x) @. z- E3 ^: i; Z* SAdditionally, a big headache for China, the penury of villages and farmers, is, to some extent,
due to the inequilibrium of education between the rural and urban areas. In China's village, many children are labeled as "idiot" or "moron" when they are only 5 or 6 years old. However the truth, also the intrinsic reason of this phenomenon, is that children in the country fail to accept the nascent(你觉得农村的人应该接受萌芽阶段而未成熟的教育？) and fundamental education they are entitled to enjoy. It's no surprise that a few months ago, lot of Netizens in China advised the ministry of education to invest more on the construction of kindergartens in rural areas. Once children are properly educated, more college students will, without any doubts, arise from villages, which can make great contributions to the resolution of the issue of rural poverty.

7 a0 m6 x1 ?. n, b3 b0 SFinally, obvious though the fact（表达不规范）
is that higher education in colleges is related, directly, to hi-tech industries and economic development, given the truth that graduates in abundance with various degrees join the constructing enterprise every year, young children’s education should be weighted more heavily considered in the long run. （结构乱了些，没看明白，建议不要为了用长句而生硬拉长句）

1. 1 我觉得你审题偏了，应该说的是为什么要给幼儿教育投钱啊，而不光光是论述幼儿教育有多重要，有些脱节
2你倾向于结构复杂的长句不错，但不能生硬拉长句子，否则写出来的文章语义都是个问

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