寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › 【NINE小组】第七次作业—by 玉米 (更新argument和修改一 ...

返回列表

查看: 1608|回复: 5

[习作点评] 【NINE小组】第七次作业—by 玉米 (更新argument和修改一次的issue) [复制链接]

onco
UID: 3114426

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 8
寄托币: 435
注册时间: 2011-6-25
精华: 0
帖子: 27

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2011-8-22 21:54:46 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 onco 于 2011-8-23 23:14 编辑

The speaker claims that educators shouldnot assess students' learning based on their degree of grasp of facts, but ontheir ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate.Admittedly, to acquaint ourselves with multifarious facts can greatly help usexplain this mysterious world, from the crash of thunder to the evolution ofhuman, knowing facts makes us intrigued and encourages us exploring. But foreducation assessment, we want to use a highly efficient way of differentiatingthose grade A students, mediocre ones and those who understand little of theillustration. And this suggested method, focusing more on their comprehension,seems to a competitive choice.

It has been so universally claimed thateducation would make people wise that a lot people now fondly believe they willreally get smart as long as they are informed various kind of facts. Theyreceive passively what they are being told and accept the knowledgeuncritically, without the notion that the ultimate goal of education is notonly to preserve the existing knowledge and pass it down, but train the studentsto be a better pilot for their own mind，leading a unique life. Assessment canperform a guiding hand in the process of education. People tend to prepare moreattentively on the content that assessment emphasizes. In this way, it is obviousthat the assessment should base on people's creative thinking -- their analyticalthought on the learned facts -- and consequently meet the demand of education.If our assessment simply relies on the level of facts grasping, the damaginghabit of rote learning would be evolved among students , therefore stultifyingtheir creative thinking.

Besides, what can be a fact? Newton's ThreeLaws of Motion, for instance, was long-time believed to be a fact to interpretour world and universe but proved to be not perfectly right by Einstein after300 years later. Since many theories of our world are partly or completelybased on assumptions, what we call a "fact" today might turn out afallacy tomorrow. However, we cannot fully negate them as the ideas, concepts andtrends embedded may still be beneficial. So the right attitude we should havefor everything connecting with "fact" is supposed to find the coreideas, rather than unduly rephrase them.

In sum, educators should weigh more heavilyon the students' originality and use the standards to assess them. Foreducation assessment, to focus solely on students' grasp of facts is somehowshortsighted. Only those students are educated with having their own ideas andthoughts, can they finally use their minds to benefit our world.

最后越写越凌乱了。并且我觉得有点没有论证很充足的感觉。

恩，第一次写issue.真心需要太多学习了。

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.11.10

在跌跌撞撞中寻找前进的方向。

回应
0

使用道具举报

gengshu
UID: 3012360

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 237
注册时间: 2011-2-20
精华: 0
帖子: 1

沙发

发表于 2011-8-23 16:23:20 |只看该作者

The speaker claims that educators should not assess students' learning based on their degree of grasp of facts, but on their ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate. Admittedly, to acquaint ourselves with multifarious facts can greatly help us explain this mysterious world, from the crash of thunder to the evolution of human, knowing facts makes us intrigued and encourages us exploring. But for education assessment, we want（改成It is better 更好点吧） to use a highly efficient way of differentiating those grade A students, mediocre ones and those who understand little of the illustration（读着有点不太通）. And this suggested method, focusing more on their comprehension, seems to a competitive choice.（对作者观点进行了肯定）
It has been so universally claimed that education would make people wise that a lot people now fondly believe they will really get smart as long as they are informed various kind of facts. They receive passively(调到后面) what they are being told（passively） and accept the knowledge uncritically, without the notion that the ultimate goal of education is not only to preserve the existing knowledge and pass it down, but train the students to be a better pilot for their own mind，leading a unique life.（这句感觉不太通，不太懂在这pilot这个例子的用意） Assessment can perform a guiding hand in the process of education. People tend to prepare more attentively on the content that assessment emphasizes. In this way, it is obvious that the assessment should base on people's creative thinking -- their analytical thought on the learned facts -- and consequently meet the demand of education. If our assessment simply relies on the level of facts grasping, the damaging habit of rote learning would be evolved among students , therefore stultifying their creative thinking.（感觉又说到creative thinking这个问题上来了，而作者观点是评价学生对ideas, trends, and concepts的理解。）

Besides, what can be a fact? Newton's Three Laws of Motion, for instance, was long-time believed to be a fact to interpret our world and universe but proved to be not perfectly right by Einstein after300 years later. Since many theories of our world are partly or completely based on assumptions, what we call a "fact" today might turn out afallacy(fallacy) tomorrow. However, we cannot fully negate （难道fact就被完全否定了？）them as the ideas, concepts and trends embedded may still be beneficial. So the right attitude we should have for everything connecting with "fact" is supposed to find the core ideas, rather than unduly rephrase them.
Fact可能不完全正确，但理解他们的ideas, concepts and trends会获益

In sum, educators should weigh more heavily on the students' originality（这个originality感觉也有点跑） and use the standards to assess them. For education assessment, to focus solely on students' grasp of facts is somehow shortsighted. Only those students are educated with having their own ideas and thoughts, can they finally use their minds to benefit our world.
感觉本文是完全同意作者的观点，但后面两段说理过程中对于作者说要评价学生的ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate 这方面说的不够充分
纯属个人观点，如要不当请指正

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报

onco
UID: 3114426

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 8
寄托币: 435
注册时间: 2011-6-25
精华: 0
帖子: 27

板凳

发表于 2011-8-23 21:20:09 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 onco 于 2011-8-23 23:10 编辑

2# gengshu

谢谢“me"同学。
后面两段因为要交作业了，的确写得很赶，显得论证不清楚，然后混成一团。

稍微修改了一下，虽然我觉得有些地方还是模棱两可的，不过我觉得没有那么明显的看出来了吧。
1. 修改了你挑出的语法错误，还有改写了很多句话，删除一些累赘的表达法。
2. 把强调的creative thinking 弱化，有点被critical thinking替换。不过还是可能会有点偏。其实我论证的时候感觉思路并不是那么理直气壮。

你的意见很中肯啊，欢迎继续拍啊！

The speaker claims that educators should not assess students' learning based on their degree of grasp of facts, but on their ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate. Admittedly, to acquaint ourselves with multifarious facts can greatly help us explain this mysterious world, from the crash of thunder to the evolution of human, knowing facts makes us intrigued and encourages us exploring. But for education assessment, it is better to use a highly efficient way of discriminating between A-ranked students and less-advanced ones. And this suggested method, focusing more on their comprehension, seems to be a competitive choice.
It has been so universally claimed that education would make people wise that a lot people nowadays fondly believe they will get smart effectively as long as they are informed various kind of facts. They receive what they are being told passively and accept the knowledge uncritically, without the notion that the ultimate goal of education is not only to preserve the existing knowledge and pass it down, but train the students to control their own mind and lead a unique life. To acquire this goal, educators must find a way to encourage those individual thinking. And assessment, on the other hand, can perform a guiding hand in the process of education. People tend to prepare more attentively on the content that assessment emphasizes. In this way, it is obvious that we should set the key point of assessment on people's own ideas -- their analytical thought on the learned facts -- and consequently meet the demand of education. If our assessment simply relies on the level of facts grasping, the damaging habit of rote learning would be evolved among students, therefore stultifying their critical thinking.

Besides, what can be a fact? Newton's Three Laws of Motion, for instance, was long-time being believed to be a fact to interpret our world and universe but proved to be not perfectly right by Einstein after 300 years later ever since it had firstly been raised. Since many theories of our world are partly or completely based on assumptions, what we call a "fact" today might turn out partially or absolutely wrong tomorrow. However, it would be provident to understand those facts beyond their superficial phenomenon and fully absorbed the ideas, concepts and trends embedded. So the right attitude we should have for everything connected with a “fact" is supposed to find the core ideas, rather than unduly rephrase them.

In sum, educators should not merely check the students’ ability of recurrence of their learned facts but weigh more heavily on the degree of handling the ideas. For education assessment, to focus solely on students' grasp of facts is somehow shortsighted. Only when those students are educated under such system of assessment, and used to converting acquired facts into their own thoughts, can they finally fit the changing world.

在跌跌撞撞中寻找前进的方向。

使用道具举报

onco
UID: 3114426

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 8
寄托币: 435
注册时间: 2011-6-25
精华: 0
帖子: 27

地板

发表于 2011-8-23 21:21:50 |只看该作者

Argument 50 Lavender flowers
-------------------------------

The author would like to prove the positiveeffect of the scent of lavender flowers on curing insomnia. To support hisclaim, he mentions a related study on this subject. It seems well persuadedthat this treatment really works on insomnia since the volunteers slept for a longertime, but closer scrutiny of the conclusion reveals that this argument needssome further evidence, and therefore made it not so convincing as it stands.

First of all, we cannot guarantee all thosechanges on volunteers' sleep condition are caused by the scent of lavenderflowers. As is universally known, we must have at least one control group in ascientific experiment but the author fails to mention that. Without anothergroup using a non-scented pillow, it is reasonable to assume wildly that otherfactors, such as an unknown kind of special natural fiber in the pillow, but ratherthe scent of lavender flowers, work in the experiment process. Besides, what wedo when we are awake have a significant impact on our sleep condition. Workingin office or lying in bed, drinking a bottle of milk or having a cup of coffee,would be so much different. Since the experiment only focused on theperformance of its volunteers during the sleep time, it would be too hasty tomaintain that the remedy of lavender flowers ameliorates sleeping condition.

Even if we admit the effect of lavenderflowers, it would not be sound enough to accept, as the author posits, thatlavender cures insomnia within a short period of time. Offering no set of quantifiablestandards on sleeping time and quality, but saying the result of "sleptlonger and more soundly", the judgment whether they had actually reachedthe criteria of curing insomnia remains impossible. In addition, for thosevolunteers who are in fact suffered from chronic insomnia, the precipitateconclusion about such a chronic illness exhibits even more imprudent.

Finally, it would be still untenable toadmit the effect even if lavender flowers are confirmed to have the function ofcuring those volunteers’ insomnia. The experiment is poorly designed in that 30people are so small a sample that they may not be representative at all. Wecannot therefore exclude the possibility of potential discrepancy between menand women, young and old, or black and white people. Maybe one man's meat isanother man's poison; the general conclusion of lavender remedy temporarily keepsuncertain.

Though I believe traditional remedysometimes can serve as a mysteriously amazing panacea, we must prove or negatessystematically the relationship between lavender flowers and insomnia before wedraw a final conclusion. Supplementary experiments should be added to furtherour knowledge, and ample evidence must be provided to concrete our conclusion. Withoutall those things, it might be too early to claim that this traditional remedyreally effectively cures insomnia in a short period of time.

在跌跌撞撞中寻找前进的方向。

使用道具举报

gengshu
UID: 3012360

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 237
注册时间: 2011-2-20
精华: 0
帖子: 1

5楼

发表于 2011-8-24 19:57:41 |只看该作者

The author would like to prove the positive effect of the scent of lavender flowers on curing insomnia. To support his claim, he mentions a related study on this subject. It seems well persuaded that this treatment really works on insomnia since the volunteers slept for a longer time, but closer scrutiny of the conclusion reveals that this argument needs some further evidence, and therefore made it not so convincing as it stands.
开头作出让步，并提出观点，和写作要求结合的也不错
First of all, we cannot guarantee all those changes on volunteers' sleep condition are caused by the scent of lavender flowers. As is universally known, we must have at least one control group in a scientific experiment but the author fails to mention that. Without another group using a non-scented pillow, it is reasonable to assume wildly（移到，前） that（删去） other factors, such as an unknown kind of special natural fiber in the pillow, but rather the scent of lavender flowers, work in the experiment process. Besides, what we do when we are awake have a significant impact on our sleep condition. Working in office or lying in bed, drinking a bottle of milk or having a cup of coffee, would be so much different. Since the experiment only focused on the performance of its volunteers during the sleep time, it would be too hasty to maintain that the remedy of lavender flowers ameliorates sleeping condition.
没有对照组，实验没有提到白天的情况，故不能证明花香味有效果（这段挺好的）

Even if we admit the effect of lavender flowers, it would not be sound enough to accept, as the author posits, that lavender cures insomnia within a short period of time. Offering no set of quantifiable standards on sleeping time and quality, but saying the result of "slept longer and more soundly", the judgment whether they had actually reached the criteria of curing insomnia remains impossible. In addition, for those volunteers who are in fact suffered from chronic insomnia, the precipitate conclusion about such a chronic illness exhibits even more imprudent.
缺乏可量化的标准（这段放前面是不是更好些呢，只是个人观点）Finally, it would be still untenable to admit the effect even if lavender flowers are confirmed to have the function of curing those volunteers’ insomnia. The experiment is poorly designed in that 30people are so small a sample that they may not be representative at all. We cannot therefore exclude the possibility of potential discrepancy between men and women, young and old, or black and white people. Maybe one man's meat is another man's poison; the general conclusion of lavender remedy temporarily keeps uncertain.
样本数量不够（我觉得按你后面所说，最好能在前面具体说一下，比如样本对人群的选择上缺乏说明，只说样本少有点不够）
Though I believe traditional remedy sometimes can serve as a mysteriously amazing panacea, we must prove or negates systematically the relationship between lavender flowers and insomnia before we draw a final conclusion. Supplementary experiments should be added to further our knowledge, and ample evidence must be provided to concrete our conclusion. Without all those things, it might be too early to claim that this traditional remedy really effectively cures insomnia in a short period of time.
总体来说，本文思路清晰，论证的也不错
加油~~

使用道具举报