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[问题求助] 自己的第一篇ARGUMENT，外加了自己的一点疑惑，求拍啊 [复制链接]

walkboy
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电梯直达

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发表于 2011-9-11 00:38:25 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 walkboy 于 2011-9-11 00:40 编辑

argument 31 public fund

While it could be acceptable that that government of PC(Parson City) give more priority to public school because they offer more budget to the schools, yet inadequate information inevitably weaken the argumentation's acceptability.
Additionally, this letter's conclusion that the people of PC pay more attention to their public education seems, at first glance, to be persuasive, but the author's argument turn out to be unpersuasive after careful scrutiny.

      Without enough information, the author conclude too hastily that the PC's citizens place a higher value on public education than the BC（Blue City）'s.
Even though the blue city's government spent only half as its budget for public school as PC, the mere data provided cannot ensure the soundness of the argument.
Perhaps the blue city spent 20% of its total budget to the public school, but the PC's expense in public school is only 5% of their overall revenue.
Therefore, the argument would
has being more convincing if the author could offer more evidence about the total budget of the two city and the fraction of budget each one gives to the school.

      Mentioning that both city have the same residents, but the PC spent more money in public school indicate their higher value in public education.
But the author ignore many factors that would influence the expense in public school in two cities.
For example, the students in blue city prefer to private school more than the public one, so the government does not necessarily spent too much budget like PC in it due to its low enrollment. In addition, recent years, the blue city might has more emergent public need, therefore, more budget have to give priority to these imperative issue and the school would get enough financial help after these need being solved soon.
To verify his argument, the speaker should take above factors into consideration.

      Even if the parson government spent more budget in the public education, this has not being a good indication of that the resident of the parson put more attention on the public education.
In the argument, the author only inform us the comparison between the two cities’ budget which is put on public education, but these decision have been the governmental policy.
The habitants’ personal donation or the social fund would be more substantiated evidence to imply people's high value on public school.
Lacking above information, we cannot assess if the citizens of PC care more about their public education.

      For above reasons, the writer would make his letter more defensible and well founded if the information about what fraction of the total budget of two cities
has been given to their public school is available; we also need the exact number of
those students in two cites who study in public school and the comparison of the data. Meanwhile, much more data about personal subscription and social fund to the school would be significant too.

1.我花了一个上午写出来并把单词拼写改正后的第一篇文章，请大家帮我看看有什么不足啊？

2.第一篇文章出来后，兴奋之余还是有点迷茫啊
我是在北京水清上的新东方，我觉得作文老师是个很优秀的人啊，他讲得写作方式和很多人都不一样，但是我发现很多身边的同学他们上课时的老师在教ARGU的时候很喜欢用北美范文那种模式，比如开头段里有 to strength the assertion,the author cite that.... 最后来一句however，this argument 什么什么，which render it unconvincing as it stand.
中间段落无疑地出现first secondly ,然后往里套模板，结尾又出现in sum 等诡异的词，虽然这些东西很僵化，可是好像这样写比较容易提速，根本就不用想就往里填。
我就如我们老师平时上课说的那样，参照六分范文（mason city那个题目）给出的形式，基本没有什么模板（不会出现什么to strength to verify to better evaluate 这样的诡异的词），六分范文的语言让人感觉很流畅，看上去很随意的样子，我要是那样写的话，如果文字功底不好，写出来后就感觉很混乱啊，不像套了模板那样，很僵化，但是很一目了然。
各位，我纠结啊！！！

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walkboy
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沙发

发表于 2011-9-11 09:01:41 |只看该作者

肿么没人拍啊

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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咖啡盐
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板凳

发表于 2011-9-12 14:24:52 |只看该作者

每个人都想推陈出新，这很好，ETS也鼓励这样做。但是你要明白六分是谁写的，哪怕是native也不敢说个个都能写出6分的水平，所以不要去过于崇尚6分得模式。

另外，AW不是简简单单让你写篇文章出来就ok了的，或者考究你的文学水平，AW是学术文论的缩影，学术是很严谨的，它的文体也是一样，那些模式的开头确实用的人很多，但那就是学术文论的格式，就像写信一样，开头都是dear XXX，结尾都是yours XXX，难道很多人用你就不用了？你去换一种写法，那还是写信吗？

6分范文带给你的流畅感不是因为他没有用那些固定的格式词汇，而是因为作者本身所具备的水平使得他可以跳开形式上的要求，换一种表达而已，内里的格式框架依旧是存在的。这些不是模仿就能做到的，过于去追求到头来不过是东施效颦罢了。

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walkboy
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地板

发表于 2011-9-13 00:51:20 |只看该作者

3# 咖啡盐
恩恩，觉得分析的很好啊！！我明白了，一下子就想开了

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咖啡盐
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5楼

发表于 2011-9-13 14:00:22 |只看该作者

在练习的过程中，最主要的任务是学会用GRE的模式去思考。虽然题库的题目很多，但都有其特定的思考和写作的模式，这些才是练习中我们主要去掌握的，也是AW的主要考察目的。所以，我觉得练习中不必要去过多深究语言问题，那是toefl的事情，而且语言水平也不是短期内就能有所改观的。在行文思考上有所体会，文章能够走上正轨之后，可以适当在文章语言上进行一些提炼和自我反思，这样比较合适

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