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With the rapid development of globalization, the importance of collaboration between different people has become more and more conspicuous. As a result, many people claim that people should be spend more time on considering how to be a good companion to others rather than spending time alone. However, in my point of view, just like a person who wants to become a successful runner should first learn how to walk, a person(who) intends to be a good partner of others should experience the procedure of spending time alone.
First and foremost, it is very hard for the person who has not went(gone) through loneliness(spending time alone 和loneliness还是有区别的) to cherish the opportunity of having companions. As is known to all, human beings are social animals, which means the survival (这个词感觉有点过了)of human beings is due to the capability of cooperating with others and helping each other. But(为什么but?) the question now facing human beings is how can we (we can) let our decedents(descendant?) realize the necessity of this kind of capability. It is not difficult to spot the phenomenon that many young people quarrel with their friends and even break up their friendship for some triviality. They establish (established)the companionship on a kind of impulsion of interest rather than dependence of emotion. Consequently, spending time alone is becoming an effective method by which people can undergo the misery caused by solitude thus making them better understand the valuable meaning of companionship.
这段是想谈hard to cherish the opportunity of having companions。朋友间因为小事的反目成仇是否是没有dependence of emotion的结果?dependence of emotion是否就是要讨论的spending time alone呢?consequence为什么又是一个比另一个effective呢?
In this interest-oriented society, people are apt to be individualistic and put more emphasis on their self-centered, separated(明白你想强调个人的,用respective吧) goals. Consequently, people seldom consider a problem from other people’s positions or point of view(views). And sometimes the companionship and communication between different people are weakened. The companionship between the younger generation and their parents(parental) generation is just a case in point. When a person is in his(性别问题) childhood, especially in China, the child is regarded as the princess of the family by his parents. The parents will try their best to make the child satisfied(make sb. do). This(, which) causes many children’s lack of ability to consider others’ feeling when deciding. They take all the love that their parents give them for granted. But when the child enters university where he has to spend time alone, this kind of departure and loneliness make him mature overnight and understand the value of parents’ affection. At the first vocation when he returns home and notices the wrinkle on his father's forehead and his mother's gray hair, he will feel a kind of guilt and truly comprehend their parents for the first time.
后面这个例子很精当!
What is more, being a partner to others doesn't necessarily mean that there should not be any independent space(independent space感觉怪怪的,为什么不直接说independemce呢) between you(这么说不太好吧). After all, different people have different habits, interests, and ways of thinking, consequently, leaving some private space between you and your companions to think and spend(time)alone can to some extent enhance your friendship or relationship. Independent thinking can be constructive to have a(an) objective and deep understanding of your partner and vice visa. Through this kind of understanding, you can find the problems which may undermine the friendship between you and your partners and settle them down timely.
Although the society is a big web, and we are the knots on the web which are closely linked with each other, we are independent identities as well. We have the rights and necessity to take some time alone. I concede that extreme solitude will provide you little chance to become companion to others because it damages the conduit by which communication between you and your partner is carried on. Nevertheless, as long as you can control solitude within a proper degree, it(这个it指代不清,就直接写solitude不就行了) will become a catalyst to your companionship with others.
先说个直观感觉,因为刚读完最后两段,感觉好多you,your。建议换成one 或者individual
总算看到你的限时之作了,还不错的说,没你形容得那么悲观。
要说优点,首先是提纲写得好,意思很清楚。再就是限时后语言简单了意思反而会比较容易理解。
提点建议吧。首先是写完自己先查一遍,单词拼写、主谓一致、从句的词序,这类问题自己完全可以解决的。另外一点是个人观点,例证的作用是不是应该在于论证TS,如果一段话的结论是从例子中深化出来的,比TS的范围还要扩大姑且还可以接受,可要是从一个例子得出一些特殊结论就有些牵强了。
欢迎讨论 |
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