[优秀习作] issue6 大家多提意见,谢谢 [复制链接]

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楼主

发表于 2004-2-20 13:32:26 |只看该作者

issue 6 大家多提意见,谢谢

Issue 6: The most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth.

The development of culture could display the national vigor which would stand for the nation is thriving or not. So the speaker vindicates that analyzing the trends of the youth is the most effective approach to understand this national contemporary culture. At the first glance, this opinion seems to be somewhat appealing, however, depending on my personal experience, this view is not very appropriate totally. Such as the following reasons.

The youth of each nation, who are full of passion, vitality and personality, usually stand in the frontier time. So understanding what the youths focus on could help people to comprehend the approaching trend of the contemporary cultural development. In order to analyze the standpoint obviously, let us see an example. The development of the personal computer is so speedy that people could not predict this situation dozens of years ago. When personal computer started to develop, many youths who were students of university then -- Jobs, Bill Gates, Dell, etc. -- predict the personal computer would become a crucial role in the future. Therefore, they utilized the skills and experiences which they learned in the universities, and talent to establish their own computer corporations, that impel the computer of industry to develop rapidly. Nowadays, the modern society almost is dominated by computer, which result in people could not leave them no longer; the development of the computer almost stands for the contemporary culture.

Additionally, youths enjoy focusing on everything that is fashion, which could make them seem to stylish and catch up with the time firmly. Thus, analyzing what youths take notice of also could comprehend the nowadays distinguishing of the contemporary culture. I can think of no better illustration of this viewpoint than the example that pursing speed is most of American youths interest which lead to plenty of youths will buy their own cars. Nothing is more interesting and exciting than to drive car in high speed for those youths. The number of the cars have been increasing recently, which make U.S. to be called the country on the car wheel. Consequently, the American contemporary culture is the culture of the automobile, that also is the characteristic of present culture.

Nevertheless, it must be admitted that the number of the youth is a small percentage in the population. Therefore, people should understand the adults' focus furthermore the olds’, which could display the whole social culture reasonably. For instance, sometimes some youths are extraordinary maverick, such as dying their hair, putting on some bizarre clothes, which could not illustrate adults also like these. Adults have their own customer, culture and interesting, that manifest in some books, movies and songs in which adults display their own standpoint.

In conclusion, the culture of youths could not replace the adults'. If people want to understand the contemporary culture of a society, they should analyze both the youths' and the adults'. Only like this, the comprehension could be called general, reasonable and accurate.

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pooh
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沙发

发表于 2004-2-20 13:52:54 |只看该作者

The development of culture could display the national vigor which would stand for the nation is thriving or not. (主句跟从句似乎有点重复）So the speaker vindicates that analyzing the trends of the youth is the most effective approach to understand this national contemporary culture.前两句没有因果关系，为什么用so?第一句并没讲到跟年轻人什么关系！ At the first glance, this opinion seems to be somewhat appealing, however, depending on my personal experience, this view is not very appropriate totally（totoally 不合适，去掉）. Such as the following reasons.最后这句有问题，前面such没有指代，建议去掉或改为：I present reasons below:

The youth of each nation, who are full of passion, vitality and personality, (做什么成份，怎么用名词？副词吧？）usually stand in the frontier time.（去掉time) So understanding what the youths focus on could help people to comprehend the approaching trend of the contemporary cultural development(cluture就可以了，你的用法有些中文化）. In order to analyze the standpoint obviously, let us see an example. The development of the personal computer is so speedy that people could not predict this situation dozens of years ago. When personal computer started to develop, many youths who were students of university then -- Jobs, Bill Gates, Dell, etc. -- predict the personal computer would become a crucial role in the future. Therefore, they utilized the skills and experiences which they learned in the universities, and talent to establish their own computer corporations, that impel the computer of industry to develop rapidly. Nowadays, the modern society almost is dominated by computer, which result in （！the fact that ！）people could not leave them no （-->any ）longer; the development of the computer almost stands for the contemporary culture.最后这句不应该落在computer,应该落在年轻人怎样代表了当代文化。
例子用得很好，很顺畅，跟我想到的例子一样，呵呵。
就看了前两段，感觉还不错，语言上还有些问题，加油！

Additionally, youths enjoy focusing on everything that is fashion, which could make them seem to stylish and catch up with the time firmly. Thus, analyzing what youths take notice of also could comprehend the nowadays distinguishing of the contemporary culture. I can think of no better illustration of this viewpoint than the example that pursing speed is most of American youths interest which lead to plenty of youths will buy their own cars. Nothing is more interesting and exciting than to drive car in high speed for those youths. The number of the cars have been increasing recently, which make U.S. to be called the country on the car wheel. Consequently, the American contemporary culture is the culture of the automobile, that also is the characteristic of present culture.

Nevertheless, it must be admitted that the number of the youth is a small percentage in the population. Therefore, people should understand the adults' focus furthermore the olds’, which could display the whole social culture reasonably. For instance, sometimes some youths are extraordinary maverick, such as dying their hair, putting on some bizarre clothes, which could not illustrate adults also like these. Adults have their own customer, culture and interesting, that manifest in some books, movies and songs in which adults display their own standpoint.

In conclusion, the culture of youths could not replace the adults'. If people want to understand the contemporary culture of a society, they should analyze both the youths' and the adults'. Only like this, the comprehension could be called general, reasonable and accurate.

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木耳
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板凳

发表于 2004-2-24 13:29:42 |只看该作者

写得比我看的第一篇好多了！
语言上还有些地方不是很通，不过问题不大了。
逻辑结构方面基本做到了紧扣题目和自己的总论点，没有跑题的现象。

但是在平衡性方面还要注意。也就是说主体段和自己的总论点要衔接得很紧密。比如你的这篇文章，主题句：At the first glance, this opinion seems to be somewhat appealing, however, depending on my personal experience, this view is not very appropriate totally

套用一个GRE阅读中的术语，似乎是一个大负小正的论点或者是balance。但你的主体段中对正的陈述却占了大部分，而负只有短短的一段。

这就需要把你的总论点的陈述方式改一下，使得整篇文章更严谨。

当然，这篇文章只是与上一篇看有很大进步，但离公认的好文还是有差距的，继续加油啊 :)

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