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[i习作temp] Issue71 原来写的，帮我瞧瞧阿 [复制链接]

fhxywei
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楼主

发表于 2004-11-12 13:35:34 |只看该作者

Issue71 原来写的，帮我瞧瞧阿

------题目------
Spending time alone makes one a better companion to others.
------正文------
As the great ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said: "Whosoever is delighted to be solitude, is either a wild beast, or a god." Indeed, spending time alone improving us is beneficial to better companions to others but too much time alone would result in an isolated and abnormal disposition.

Obviously, an ignorant person who had not spent time alone studying something is not popular among his companions. Generally speaking, one likes to get along with wit and erudite people who know a lot of things and can seek common things between them. This can be proved from my personal experience: In my first year as a college student, I found difficult to get along well with some of my classmates who discussed a lot related to computer and internet. At that time, I was nearly illiterate in this aspect because there was no computer courses set in our high school. In order to be a good companion of them, I spent a lot of time alone in studying computer knowledge in our library eagerly. Consequently, I found that I became more and more popular among my classmates as I could discuss more common topics about computer and Internet with them. Thus, if one doesn't know the common knowledge, which has been mastered by his companions, he cannot participate in his companions' activities.

Furthermore, few ones like a person who always makes them get involved with him/her day and night in that everyone has his private space and time. In friendship, no matter how intimate a person and his friend's relationship is, they can't spend all the time together and share everything between them. An independent and capable person is apt to deal with everything by himself and unwilling to accept his friend's help easily by which usually make him inferior and dwarfed. Even if in marriage life, there should be also some private time and space left for husband or wife. We often see this phenomenon: the relationship between husband and wife tends to more solidified and harmonious in the reunion after a short departure of one spouse. Maybe to spend a certain amount of time alone can keep a mysterious and fresh sense to one's spouse. Therefore, spending some time alone is consequential to maintain a good relationship between people as everyone wants to keep parts of his privacy not disturbed.

However, to someone whose disposition is introverted and closed, spending too much time alone will lead him to suffer from some mental and psychological illness. As human beings are social animals who can't isolate and separate themselves from the external community they live in, or human will become wild beasts just like Aristotle said. Two weeks ago, I read a piece of news that a college student killed all his roommates with rat poison for no reasons. After investigation by some experts, they concluded it was because that student spending almost all the time alone and even never speaking a word to his classmates made for his inferiority complex which finally jeopardized others. Actually, it is really worth people's time to communicate with others by which can relieve some pressure from work or daily life, especially for those who find difficult to get along well with others due to their defections of temperament.

All in all, whether people should spend time alone to make them better companions is a complex issue. To different people we get different answers just like doctors prescribe different medicine to different patients. It is necessary for normal people to allocate a certain amount of time alone to maintain a harmonious relationship with his companions. However, to those whose disposition are introverted and isolated, to spend more time living and communicating with others is essential for them to become better companions.

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mack1983
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沙发

发表于 2004-11-12 23:53:29 |只看该作者

今台被人改了两篇作文，受到极大感动！！！！！
刚才帮人改了一篇，实在困得不行了
占个座，睡觉先
明天再帮这位 gg或mm改好了

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xiaohe
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板凳

发表于 2004-11-13 09:44:50 |只看该作者

As the great ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said: "Whosoever is delighted to be solitude, is either a wild beast, or a god." Indeed, spending time alone [不懂] better companions to others but too much time alone would result in an isolated and abnormal disposition.

Obviously, an ignorant person who had not spent time alone studying something is not popular among his companions. Generally speaking, one likes to get along with (witty?) and erudite people who know a lot of things and can seek common things between them. This can be proved from my personal experience: In my first year as a college student, I found difficult (in getting) along well with some of my classmates who discussed a lot related to computer and internet. At that time, I was nearly illiterate in this aspect because there was no computer courses set in our high school. In order to be a good companion (to) them, I spent a lot of time alone in studying computer knowledge in our library eagerly. Consequently, I found that I became more and more popular among my classmates as I could discuss more common topics about computer and Internet with them. (这句话回应主题不够吧，没提到spend time alone)

Furthermore, few ones like a person who always makes them get involved with him/her day and night (这个用法妥否？) that everyone has his private space and time. In friendship, no matter how intimate a person and his friend's relationship is, they can't spend all the time together and share everything between them. An independent and capable person is apt to deal with everything by himself and unwilling to accept his friend's help easily （需要吗？）which usually make him inferior and dwarfed. Even if in marriage (married) life, there should be also some private time and space left for husband or wife. We often see this phenomenon: the relationship between husband and wife tends to (be) more solidified and harmonious in the reunion after a short departure of one spouse (with each other). Maybe to spend a certain amount of time alone can keep a mysterious and fresh sense to one's spouse. Therefore, spending some time alone is consequential to maintain a good relationship between people as everyone wants to .(总感觉关于夫妻关系的例子跟这个不太吻合)

However, to someone whose disposition is introverted and closed, spending too much time alone will lead him to suffer from some mental and psychological illness. As human beings are social animals who can't isolate and separate themselves from the external community they live in, or human will become wild beasts just like Aristotle said. Two weeks ago, I read a piece of news that a college student killed all his roommates with rat poison for no reasons. After investigation by some experts, they concluded it was because that student spending almost all the time alone and even never speaking a word to his classmates made for his inferiority complex which finally jeopardized others.（这句话结构很别扭） Actually, it is really worth people's time to communicate with others by which can relieve some pressure from work or daily life, especially for those who find difficult to get along well with others due to their defections of temperament.

All in all, whether people should spend time alone to make them better companions is a complex issue. To different people we get different answers just like doctors prescribe different medicine to different patients. It is necessary for normal people to allocate a certain amount of time alone to maintain a harmonious relationship with his companions. However, to those whose disposition are introverted and isolated, to spend more time living and communicating with others is essential for them to become better companions.
总结：
1．论证充分有力，层次清晰
2．分论点的主题句稍显松散，是不是可以再琢磨一下
3．语法还需继续提高。感觉你不是写不对，而是事后没有花一定时间关注一下语法问题。这影响了整篇文章的魅力，不是挺可惜的？
最后，说实话，给你改作文其实是在向你学习，尤其是第一点，我自己写的时候就找不到感觉。我已经学习好几篇了，顺便提了提意见，不对的请别介意。看见我的习作也给我提提意见吧。我很感激的。

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xiaohe
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地板

发表于 2004-11-13 09:49:46 |只看该作者

刚才看了高手帮我改作文的评语。很感激也很惭愧啊。

自己的水平欠佳，帮别人改作文自然也难提出有见地的意见。请你见谅。你也要继续帮我啊。

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mack1983
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5楼

发表于 2004-11-13 12:41:32 |只看该作者

------题目------
Spending time alone makes one a better companion to others.
------正文------
As the great ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said: "Whosoever is delighted to be solitude, is either a wild beast, or a god." Indeed, spending time alone improving us is beneficial to better companions to others（这句读晕了） but too much time alone would result in an isolated and abnormal disposition.
好像新东方说最好不要引用压力是夺得的话了，会让人觉得是陈词滥调

Obviously, an ignorant person who had not spent time alone studying something is not popular among his companions. （这句话就有点牵强了） Generally speaking, one likes to get along with wit (是名词) and erudite people who know a lot of things and can seek common things between them.（请教大牛，不知道这句话算不算chilish） This can be proved from （by好些吧） my personal experience: In my first year as a college student, I found difficult to get along well with some of my classmates who discussed a lot related to （好像about即可） computer and internet. At that time, I was nearly illiterate in this aspect because there was no computer courses set in our high school. In order to be a good companion of them, I spent a lot of time alone in studying computer knowledge in our library eagerly. Consequently, I found that I became more and more popular among my classmates as I could discuss more common topics about computer and Internet with them. Thus, if one doesn't know the common knowledge, which has been mastered by his companions, he cannot participate in his companions' activities.
例子太牵强了，如果我一直跟着那些同学待在一起，而从中学到computer的知识，难道我就不能成为一个better companion吗？

Furthermore, few ones like a person who always makes them get involved with him/her day and night in that everyone has his private space and time. （晕了，读不懂，是不是想表达有人像要隐私，别不知廉耻的打扰他？）In friendship, no matter how intimate a person and his friend's relationship is, they can't spend all the time together and share everything between them. An independent and capable person is apt to deal with everything by himself and unwilling to accept his friend's help easily by （不用by） which usually make him inferior and dwarfed. Even if in marriage life, there should be also some private time and space left for husband or wife. We often see this phenomenon: the relationship between husband and wife tends to more solidified and harmonious in the reunion after a short departure of one spouse. （赞）Maybe to spend a certain amount of time alone can keep a mysterious and fresh sense to one's spouse. Therefore, spending some time alone is consequential to maintain a good relationship between people as everyone wants to keep parts of his privacy not disturbed.
这段论证很有特点，我原来写提纲是没想到，值得借鉴。

However, to someone whose disposition is introverted and closed, spending too much time alone will lead him to suffer from some mental and psychological illness. As human beings are social animals who can't isolate and separate （isolate和separate一个即可）themselves from the external community they live in, or human will become wild beasts just like Aristotle said. Two weeks ago, I read a piece of news that a college student killed all his roommates with rat poison for no reasons. After investigation by some experts, they concluded it was because that student spending almost all the time alone and even never speaking a word to his classmates made for his inferiority complex which finally jeopardized others. （了解你想表达的意思，但语法问题严重）Actually, it is really worth people's time to communicate with others by which can relieve some pressure from work or daily life, especially for those who find difficult to get along well with others due to their defections of temperament.

All in all, whether people should spend time alone to make them better companions is a complex issue. To different people we get different answers just like doctors prescribe different medicine to different patients. （这两句话实际上将论点换为了case-by-case的问题，跑题了） It is necessary for normal people to allocate a certain amount of time alone to maintain a harmonious relationship with his companions. However, to those whose disposition are introverted and isolated, to spend more time living and communicating with others is essential for them to become better companions. (however这句好像上面并每有说明，算不算一点跑了？请大家指正)

这篇文章的题目我觉得关键字在于better，就是说，应该有比较的成分在里面，在论述时，应注意同原先情况进行比较，这样才算比较完整的回应了题目的要求。

哥哥，字太多了

个人观点，纯属参考

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fhxywei
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6楼

发表于 2004-11-13 14:30:55 |只看该作者

非常感谢！

谢谢你们的修改，这篇文章写得比较早，知道问题严重。
1，关于计算机的例子，是自己杜撰的一个例子，很牵强，关于夫妻的例子两个人改的意见都不一样：）
2，最后结论一段前半部分确是如mack1983所说，however 后面的内容在第四段有对应。
3，这篇文章关于better的contrast没有做足

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fhxywei
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7楼

发表于 2004-11-13 14:39:11 |只看该作者

还有那句话的语话问题，After investigation by some experts, they concluded it was (去掉because )the student spending almost all the time alone and even never speaking a word to his classmates (缺少that)made for his inferiority complex which finally jeopardized others.
多了一个"becaue"掉了一个that，是一个强调句：it was………………that made for………………
呵呵，看来句子写长了，毛病多多

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