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[a习作temp] Agument49 看了几篇范文改进了一下自己的作文方式谢谢各位了 [复制链接]

妖妖
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电梯直达

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发表于 2005-2-28 08:35:17 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Agument49 The following appeared in a letter to the editor of a newsletter on health issue.

For the past decade, most health expects have advised teenagers to avoid eating greasy foods in order to prevent acne and related skin conditions, but the number of teenagers who sought medicalhelp for these skin problems has actually risen over the same period. In recent study, teenagers who avoided greasy foods for a month reported approximately as many outbreaks of acne and related skin conditions as did those who ate an average of two servings of greasy food per
day. Such data indicate that eating greasy foods is unlikely to be a cause of acne and related skin conditions. Therefore, health experts should no longer recommend that people avoid such foods.

The proposal that health expects should no ban greasy foods seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion. When we read it again, it is easy for us to find two evidences quoted in the above argument to support the conclusion are unconvincing, again, not to mention the potential assumption in it. In the following I will illustrate all the fallacies one by one.

First of all, the total argument is based on an unproved assumption that the skin problems do nothing with the grease foods. Though we cannot clearly find the potential assumption in the argument, all the evidences and the final result are directed under this one. At the end the writer denied the advise, greasy foods causing the skin problems, offered by health expects at the beginning. So the proposal is wrong in the author's mind. Unfortunately the author did not provide more details especially the authoritative medical experiments to prove the unrelated relationship between the skin problems and the greasy foods.

But things did not end at first step , the author continued using two unconvincing evidences to worsen validity of the argument. The one is the number of teenagers suffered from the skin problems still rising in the same period when the expects advised younger to avoid the greasy foods. There are many other possibilities such as the rising of the total teenagers of the past ten years, the children taking the medical cure without giving up their favorite greasy foods at the same time, contributing to the rising of the number. The other is the recent study which showed that the equal number of teenagers who avoided the greasy foods and not. Is one month long enough in medical experiment, especially the skin problems a kind of chronic illness? Is the sample big enough to present this kind of illness in some area?

The worst thing of all is the author using all the unproved assumption and the unreasoning evidences to make the hasty conclusion that we should not avoid grease foods without considering many other negative effections brought by this kind of foods. Even if we concede that the validity of the assumption and the evidences, this does not necessarily mean that we can eat greasy foods freely. Common sense and recent medical study tell us that the greasy foods will bring a series of healthy problems such as fat, the cardiac and so on.

All in all, though the argument seems to be plausible, in fact, it is neither sound nor persuasive. Not only does it put out such assumption, but also use the evidences to support what arguer claims.

上次鬼的评论直接点破了偶若干个不足，，，下线后认真看了几篇官方文章，并且看了看版中若干牛人的评论，，然后改进了一下自己的文章。不知道这一次有没有进步，，欢迎大家的砖头~~

当一个东西得到后，才知道其实不是你真正想要的，而你已经为这个东西付出了，，大的不能再大的代价，，，但是也许这就是一种成长。。。

生活还在继续，我还是要艰难的活下去～～～～

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DriverEntry
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沙发

发表于 2005-3-1 12:24:57 |只看该作者

总的来说还可以。

The proposal that health expects should no 这里应该是NOT ban greasy foods

First of all,这段感觉攻击的不够好。食物对皮肤病没有影响是作者的假设么？我觉得更象是作者的一个小结论。作者的几个论据都是为了证明这个小结论的。根据这个小结论，最后原作者得出不用禁止那种食品。

后面2段攻击的都还可以。有些细节的地方可以再具体些。把FIRST OF ALL这段取代掉。

GOOD LUCK

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鬼谷子
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板凳

发表于 2005-3-1 13:35:49 |只看该作者

嘿嘿
妖妖又来了啊
把老大都招来了啊
我也看看

鬼Ghost
谷Ravine
子Elite

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mythzt
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地板

发表于 2005-3-1 13:48:54 |只看该作者

The proposal that health expects should no(not) ban greasy foods seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion. When we read it again, it is easy for us to find two evidences quoted in the above argument to support the conclusion are unconvincing, again, not to mention the potential assumption in it. In the following I will illustrate all the fallacies one by one.(好新颖的开头啊，长见识了)

First of all, the total argument is based on an unproved assumption that the skin problems do nothing with the grease foods. Though we cannot clearly find the potential assumption in the argument, all the evidences and the final result are directed under this one. At(In) the end the writer denied the advise, greasy foods causing the skin problems, offered by health expects(experts) at the beginning. So the proposal is wrong in the author's mind. Unfortunately the author did not provide more details especially the authoritative medical experiments to prove the unrelated relationship between the skin problems and the greasy foods.
(感觉这一段攻击的是题目的一个背景：皮肤病和脂类食品有关，而作者就是基于这个背景作出建议的。所以攻击这里似乎不大合适)
But things did not end at first step , the author continued using two unconvincing evidences to worsen validity of the argument. The one is the number of teenagers suffered from the skin problems still rising in the same period when the expects (experts)advised younger to avoid the greasy foods. There are many other possibilities such as the rising of the total teenagers of the past ten years, the children taking the medical cure without giving up their favorite greasy foods at the same time, contributing to the rising of the number. The other is the recent study which showed that the equal number of teenagers who avoided the greasy foods and(or) not. Is one month long enough in medical experiment, especially the skin problems a kind of chronic illness? Is the sample big enough to present this kind of illness in some area?
(我觉得b2中包含的两个evidence可以分开攻击，一个因果，一个statistical reliability，可能会更有力度)
The worst thing of all is the author using all the unproved assumption and the unreasoning evidences to make the hasty conclusion that we should not avoid grease foods without considering many other negative effections(effects) brought by this kind of foods. Even if we concede that the validity of the assumption and the evidences, this does not necessarily mean that we can eat greasy foods freely. Common sense and recent medical study tell us that the greasy foods will bring(give rise to) a series of healthy problems such as fat, the cardiac(这个词是指心脏病吗？我查到的是cardiopathy，不知对不对) and so on.

All in all, though the argument seems to be plausible, in fact, it is neither sound nor persuasive. Not only does it put out such assumption, but also use the evidences to support what arguer claims.言简意赅，赞一个！

首先感谢你上次帮我改文章，等了几天终于有机会看到阁下美文。感觉你的argu写得很有特色，有自己的一套东西（不像我明眼人一看就知道套模版），得好好学习一下。本人理解能力有限，冒犯之处请见谅，希望以后能多交流 :)

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鬼谷子
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5楼

发表于 2005-3-1 15:27:34 |只看该作者

Agument49 The following appeared in a letter to the editor of a newsletter on health issue.

For the past decade, most health expects have advised teenagers to avoid eating greasy foods in order to prevent acne and related skin conditions, but the number of teenagers who sought medical help for these skin problems has actually risen over the same period. In recent study, teenagers who avoided greasy foods for a month reported approximately as many outbreaks of acne and related skin conditions as did those who ate an average of two servings of greasy food per day. Such data indicate that eating greasy foods is unlikely to be a cause of acne and related skin conditions. Therefore, health experts should no longer recommend that people avoid such foods.

The proposal that health expects should no【not？】 ban 【应该说他们没有权力来禁止的，应该说是建议不吃这样的食物】greasy foods seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion. When we read it again, it is easy for us to find two evidences quoted in the above argument to support the conclusion are unconvincing, again, not to mention the potential assumption in it. In the following I will illustrate all the fallacies one by one. 【嗯，果然有进步，我喜欢这样的开头】

First of all, the total argument is based on an unproved assumption that the skin problems do nothing with the grease【这个是名词/动词，应该是greasy】 foods. Though we cannot clearly find the potential assumption in the argument, all the evidences and the final result are directed under this one. At the end the writer denied the advise, greasy foods causing the skin problems, offered by health expects at the beginning. So the proposal is wrong in the author's mind. 【从Though开始的这几句就有点多余了】 Unfortunately the author did not provide more details especially the authoritative medical experiments to prove the unrelated relationship between the skin problems and the greasy foods. 【同司机老大的意见，我觉得这里应该算是作者的结论，不算是一个前提】

But things did not end at first step, the author continued using two unconvincing evidences to worsen validity of the argument. The one is the number of teenagers suffered from the skin problems still rising in the same period when the expects advised younger to avoid the greasy foods. 【应该一针见血的提出问题，同时不代表因果】There are many other possibilities such as the rising of the total【number of】 teenagers of the past ten years, the children taking the medical cure without giving up their favorite greasy foods at the same time, contributing to the rising of the number【what number？】. The other is the recent study which showed that the equal number of teenagers who avoided the greasy foods and not【not what？】. Is one month long enough in medical experiment, especially the skin problems a kind of chronic illness? Is the sample big enough to present this kind of illness in some area? 【其实，这两个应该分成两段来写的，这样放在一起一是感觉层次不明显，二是不能论述的很深入】

The worst thing of all is the author using all the unproved assumption and the unreasoning evidences to make the hasty conclusion that we should not avoid grease foods without considering many other negative effections【effect？】 brought by this kind of foods. Even if we concede that the validity of the assumption and the evidences, this does not necessarily mean that we can eat greasy foods freely. Common sense and recent medical study tell us that the greasy foods will bring a series of healthy problems such as fat, the cardiac 【这个不是病，该是cardiac problems】and so on.

All in all, though the argument seems to be plausible, in fact, it is neither sound nor persuasive. Not only does it put out such assumption, but also use the evidences to support what arguer claims.【最好再说一句，为了让文章convincing，作者应该进一步举出什么什么样的信息数据等等】
【基本上的思路已经有了进步，不过还是存在一些问题的，B1我觉得不是一个前提而是结论，B2的内容应该分开来写，而且，我觉得反驳的过程中有些没有说到重点上面。加油！】