[a习作temp] Argument190 【四人行小组】第7次作业小白 [复制链接]

by19900610hnyt UID: 2658516 by19900610hnyt 当前离线最后登录 2012-4-21 在线时间 375 小时寄托币 1003 声望 41 注册时间 2009-6-29 阅读权限 0 帖子 2 精华 0 积分 812 UID 2658516 禁止访问声望 41 寄托币 1003 注册时间 2009-6-29 精华 0 帖子 2 主页发消息	电梯直达楼主发表于 2009-7-22 17:25:16 \|只看该作者 \|倒序浏览提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽 ARGUMENT190, 四人行, 小白
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goldentu
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沙发

发表于 2009-7-23 21:58:25 |只看该作者

Grounding the fact that few people purchase advance tickets for the Glenville Summer Concert over the past few years and ruling out the reason of bad weather with invalid assumptions, the arguer concludes that the choice of music is responsible for the decline. Considering this the arguer recommends to change the music and include works of Richerts merely because of his well-sold recordings. However, the argument has several flaws as follows.
第一段具有逻辑性的概述论题，同时指出错误的类型，很不错
First and foremost, the arguer fails to rule out the possibility that it is the bad weather that decreases the attendance of the concert.我觉得这个观点不太合适，作者其实排除了这个可能性，只不过作者的理由不充分 Without accurate data such as the number of purchased advance tickets in good weather and bad one, 这个理由有点不合适，既然是提前买票，那就肯定不知道是好天气还是坏天气了it is impossible to evaluate to what extent the bad weather impairs the attendance. Maybe it is significant. It is entirely possible that some fans choose not to buy the ticket again after an unpleasant experience of attending the concert in bad weather. Therefore without more evidence of the concert in bad weather is provided, the decision of ruling out the reason of bad weather is hasty. 这段论证不是很充分，关键是论点有些问题
Given that unpleasant weather is not responsible for the decline of purchased tickets, the assertion that the choice of music is the reason is unsubstantiated since many other factors may influence the attendance of a concert. For instance, it is likely that the price of concert over past few years increases so a host of fans cannot afford to pay it. Besides, perhaps the stage design is no longer attractive and the number of invited super stars decreases thus the attendance decline. In addition, it is possible that the advertisement campaign of the concert fails over the past few years and few people know about the concert. In summary, several alternatives can explain the decline of the tickets so the choice of music may be not the only reason. 这一段基本没问题,反例很充分,语言也没问题
Admittedly that it is the choice of music that render the decline, the suggestion of including music composed by Richerts is also unconvincing. 小白的语言很多变，很好，同样是让步，上段用given，这段用admittedly The fact that his recordings are sold more often than any others does not indicate that his music is suitable for (live performance).我咋没想到这个词呢，结果我用了那个蹩脚的in the concert来替代 On the contrary, the well-sold recordings contradict the arguer's recommendation in some cases. It is possible that the fans buy his recordings because they prefer to enjoying his music at home rather than in a concert. Hence, without more information about Richerts and his music, strict adherence to the speaker's advice might lead to a counterproductive effect. 这段有关on the contrary引出的反证很精彩
To sum up, the argument is not well-reasoned with these flaws. In order to find out the real reason of the decline of purchased tickets and give an effective suggestion, more accurate data about tickets selling and valid reasoning is indispensable.
前两天看别人模板，对结尾的处理有一个建议，就是to sum up之类的话，能不用就不用，因为都是废话。其实并非不能用，只不过是很多人都这样用，如果想outstanding，最好不用，拒绝平庸嘛
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Eileen312
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板凳

发表于 2009-7-23 22:18:20 |只看该作者

不能排除天气的可能（未知好天气和坏天气下具体的比例，可能是因为人们经历了雨天看音乐会的unpleasant experience选择不再买）
2.
不一定是音乐选择问题（false dilemma没有report 或者survey conduted证明是因为音乐的选择不当导致很多人不来；可能是G音乐会的票价太高；或者舞台设计stage design is not satisfactory；没有super stars; 宣传不够）
3.
没有理由必须演奏更多R的作品（可能not suitable for live performance；人们购买他的唱片可能就不会来听演唱会了）

TOPIC: ARGUMENT190 - The following is a letter to the editor of the Glenville Gazette, a local newspaper.

"Over the past few years, the number of people who have purchased advance tickets for the Glenville Summer Concert series has declined, indicating lack of community support. Although the weather has been unpredictable in the past few years, this cannot be the reason for the decline in advance ticket purchases, because many people attended the concerts even in bad weather. Clearly, then, the reason for the decline is the choice of music, so the organizers of the concert should feature more modern music in the future and should be sure to include music composed by Richerts, whose recordings Glenville residents purchase more often than any other contemporary recordings. This strategy will undoubtedly increase advance ticket purchases and will increase attendance at the concerts."
WORDS: 452
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2009/7/22 17:14:51

Grounding[没见过这种用法，grounding.n.基础；be grounded in/on…以…为基础；] the fact that few people purchase advance tickets for the Glenville Summer Concert over the past few years and ruling out[rule out] the reason of bad weather with invalid assumptions, the arguer concludes that the choice of music is responsible for the decline. Considering this the arguer recommends to change the music and include works of Richerts merely because of his well-sold recordings. However, the argument has several flaws as follows:
First and foremost, the arguer fails to rule out the possibility that it is the bad weather that decreases the attendance of the concert. Without accurate data such as the number of purchased advance tickets in good weather and bad one[one不能指代whether—不可数], it is impossible to evaluate to what extent the bad weather impairs the attendance. Maybe it is significant. It is entirely possible that some fans choose not to buy the ticket again after an unpleasant experience of attending the concert in bad weather[这个理由有点牵强]. Therefore without more evidence of the concert in bad weather is provided, the decision of ruling out the reason of bad weather is hasty.
Given that unpleasant weather is not responsible for the decline of purchased tickets, the assertion that the choice of music is the reason is unsubstantiated since many other factors may influence the attendance of a concert. For instance, it is likely that the price of concert over past few years increases so a host of fans cannot afford to pay it. Besides, perhaps the stage design is no longer attractive and the number of invited super stars decreases [,]thus the attendance decline. In addition, it is possible that the advertisement campaign of the concert fails over the past few years and few people know about the concert. In summary, several alternatives can explain the decline of the tickets so the choice of music may be not the only reason.
Admittedly that[that 改为,] it is the choice of music that render the decline, the suggestion of including music composed by Richerts is also unconvincing. The fact that his recordings are sold more often than any others does not indicate that his music is suitable for live performance. On the contrary, the well-sold recordings contradict the arguer's recommendation in some cases. It is possible that the fans buy his recordings because they prefer to enjoying his music at home rather than in a concert. Hence, without more information about Richerts and his music, strict adherence to the speaker's advice might lead to a counterproductive effect.
To sum up, the argument is not well-reasoned with these flaws. In order to find out the real reason of the decline of purchased tickets and give an effective suggestion, more accurate data about tickets selling and valid reasoning is indispensable
[有小的语言错误；用词的多样可以说出神入化。已经很牛了，但如果再要突破的话，我觉得应该往打破评卷人“审美疲劳”方向前进了。O(∩_∩)O~]