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可爱的小草
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电梯直达

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发表于 2009-11-13 23:14:42 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由可爱的小草于 2009-11-14 00:51 编辑

请把批改后的作文上交于此.

抬头写作者的名字, 方便确认, 大家辛苦了

作文小组

由于小作文有听力文件的硬件要求，我会在组员找齐后和大家具体讨论联系方式。独立作文题目将以旧托185题和机井为主。

本组的作文形式是：由本人组长, 寻找题目，每天晚上(除周日)凌晨1点前交作业,次日14点上交批改的作文 综合与独立写作各开两个贴,分别为上交作业的贴,与批改作文的贴.第二个发作文的人给第一个修改，第三个给第二个修改，以此类推。第一个给最后一个修改。因为本人时间也有限，不可能追着组员要作业。帮助没有被修改的组员修改，一个两个也可以，多了就做不到了，所以，你可以不写，我也不会催，累计三次不交而不请假的自动退组。对于交了作业却不修改的，出现一次就勒令退组。
每次的作文帖请不要占楼不发作文。这样下面的人就不知道自己该改谁的了。也不要自己开帖发布练习。这样身为组长的我为了统计，会找得很辛苦。 E* ]+ I8 z

具体作业事项会在群里公布.

【IBT 学习小组100+】作文小组独立写作 (作业贴)https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1028833-1-1.html

【IBT 学习小组100+】作文小组综合写作 (作业贴)https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1028844-1-1.html

【IBT 学习小组100+】听写小组 (作业贴)https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1028829&page=1&extra=

【IBT 学习小组100+】口语小组 (评价贴)https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1028840&page=1&extra=

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沙发

发表于 2009-11-15 14:32:28 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 eric1207_wei 于 2009-11-15 14:36 编辑

03的独立写作被修改贴
edited by05/12
红色为修改的地方
蓝色为我认为值得学习的地方
The condition of study, which plays an important role in the process and outcome of study, often leads a hot debate among students. Some students consider study ing(studying) alone bebefits us more. However, others stand on the different ground. They belive studying with a group of people is better. As far as I am concerned, I prefer the latter opinion. In the following passages, I will use specific reasons to illustrate my my point of view.

First, to sudy with a group of students will do a great help for our study. Soppuse you have taken part in a study group, you can study together to discuss the problems you may meet in certain subjects.Three heads are better than one. The problems can be solved efficiently. And when the final exams are coming you can be clear about what you should review since you have discussed the problems with your group members. The scores of the exams will tell you the progress you have made. I do agree to study with a group of students.

Second, if we join a group of students to sudy, we will make more friends. For instance, my friend Lily once had few friends. But after she took part in a study group to pass the College Entrance Examination you can often see her talking with her friends happily on the campus. Lily told me that the students in her group were very kind and the(they) always encouraged her and she did appreciate this kind of relationship.Now she not only has passed the big exam, but also has got some good freinds. We should study with a group of students, shouldn’t we?

Finally, attending a group of students to sudy, we can have a lot of fun. Suppose(第一段用过Suppose了，可以换洗其他的，如Given that) you meet a mathe(maths) problem in your study you may think it is so boring and lose your pacient(应该名词吧，patience) to study. But if you study with a group of students you can make jokes with each other and you may forget the bad mood because of the laughters. Or you feel happy to study just because one of your group members says you look great today. There are so many examples. Can studying with a group of students benefit us more? The answer is definitely “positive.”.
Taking into account all the factors above, we may safely arrive the conslusion(conclusion)that studying with a group of students is a wise(貌似wiser更好点哈) option. It can help us study, bring more friends for us and make a lot of fun in our daily life.However, we can also see the problems that we may meet if we study together, and for example, sometimes it will take a long time for us to discuss and we may be disturbed by other members when we sutdy at one room. But compared with the benefits we can get from it I will also hold the opinion that it is a wise, rational and sensible option to study with a group of students.

总体评价：03的独立写作很不错，值得我学习，特别是一些连词的使用上，还有一些如反问句的使用，往继续努力，我也继续向大家学习～～～
By 05/12

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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板凳

发表于 2009-11-16 12:47:00 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 happyfaith2008 于 2009-11-17 12:36 编辑

11.16的作业

来自05/12
03修改
文章整体结构不错。只是有些句子需要斟酌。建议先用别人现成的句子。
使用了一些分号，我不太熟悉分号的用法。如果05不是很确定分号的用法尽量少用吧！我感觉容易出错。
最后再建议多背一些经典的句型，这样能减少语法错误。

08.01.12. Government should focus more on natural environment problems and less on economic development

Some people hold ( the opinion 加上这个比较好吧 ) that goverment should pay more attention to natural environment problems than economic ones. as （As）far as I am concerned, I totally agree with this opinion. (说了一some people的观点没有提到the others 的观点总觉得缺点什么)

First and for the most, the natural environment is very important for the development of the whole country. In ancient time, all of the countries are agricultural ones, and they were dependent on the natural environment to survive; even in morden time, our progresses are more related to industry, but we can not deny the true that the environment still play an inportant role in our economic and social development. For example, the main resources for the fuel（可以直接说 the main fuels ） are almost from natural environment; our cars are dependent on ptroluem ( 这是什么单词？) to run, the common using energy – electricity, which is also come rom（from） coal or water. So it is hard to image ( imagine ) how the human beings will be (how the human beings will be 这句有点怪哦) if there is no natural environment in our earth anymore. Therefore, the government can not ignore the importance of natural environment.

Moreover, the natural environment is the fundamental base for economic development. For example, if a city want (wants) to attract some investors to their city ( to their city 删掉 ), but their natural environment is heavyly( heavily) damaged; there are some dead fish floating in the river, and some terrible semlls in the air, it is not difficult to image ( imagine ) that the investors will come to this city.(that the investors will come to this city这句也怪) On the other hand, if the city’s natural environment is well preserved or improved, their street is clear, and parks are beautiful and attactive, apparently, it is more likely that they may get some investment from others.(that they may get some investment from others主语改成the city比较好吧？) Maybe it is true that when the government focus on the economic develpoment, we can make some profits easily, while the natural enviroment can not provide so much interests quickly, but in the long run, the fate of our economic, even our country is decided by our naturel environment.

Last but not least, there is a good criteria to judge wether a government is qualified or not, that is the living condition of the citizens. According to our experience, the natural environment is cruical to our health, the beautiful park（parks） provide a good place for us to relax, the fresh air make us breathe freely. In contrast, the ceonomy sometimes bring stress or presure to us, maybe your boss ask you to finish 100 contracts in a month, but in fact you can not complete half of it, so it really cause some mental presure on you

In sum, the natural environment does offer us a lot of benefit (benefits), it is our backbone for our economic and social development,and it is also essential for everyone’s health. Hence, the government should try to improve the natural environment, which play more inportant role than economic development

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地板

发表于 2009-11-16 12:47:53 |只看该作者

本帖最后由可爱的小草于 2009-11-29 00:11 编辑

来自hyphen
11.27

The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual. Do you agree or disagree?

An overwhelming sound for appealing everybody takes responsibility on environmental issues is frequently heard nowadays. Truly it is that the condition of environment is getting worse and worse. The water and air are polluted, many precious species are dieing out, amount of forests are destroyed everyday. In this respect, it is reasonable for every mankind to contribute effort to the protection of environment. However, before get into this idea though, we should never ignore the limitation of what the individual can do and the(for) complexity of the environment issue. As far as I am concerned, the individual is not able to handle it, but instead,(we can do, however, some contributions for the environment) to do some useful activities.

# H- s, v6 k5 p4 x* O: b6 O H0 o
Due to(First of all, “due to”好像后面是名词吧) the origin of the environment issue is so complicated that it has no possibility(that it would not be possible) for the individual to work out a proper solution to resolve it.(删)
There are Various potential factors, like(such as) human activities and climatic changes, may account for such issues, therefore many fields’(the) cooperation and kinds of professional knowledge are needed. Take Green house effect for instance(as a example), to identify the causes of it(删), we should refer to(consider) meteorology, chemistry, biology and many other subjects, to explore the related aspects which may have a effect on it. Without the help of biology, we can never ascertain how this effect exerts an influence on creatures; no analytical data about water or such things from chemists, the process of finding a solution will be halted; only with the meteorologists’ knowledge about weather can some enlightened idea be provided. All of those works are not possible for one man to accomplish. Therefore,(As a result) all related fields, if possible,(删) should work together to deal with such complex issues.

Yet there is another reason is that(to) solving (solve)the environmental issue is(that is) a(删) time and money consumed process(删), depending on the strength of the individual is unfeasible. According to a survey conducted by a famous magazine recently, in most country(countries), money spend on protecting environment is increasing every year, especially in the developed countries. As the magazine puts, only the financing is plenteous can some significant projects can(be) operated well. Furthermore, it also has a requirement(command) for the environmental workers and scientists to work long period of time to do research, reconnoiter, think or such things. Imagining(Imagine) that(删) how the panda can be well protected if no(删) scientist available to observe them or no(删) fund to build a suitable habitat.(这句问题很大, 前后意思相冲,读起来也怪) No doubt that the result can be absolutely awful. On this point, the environmental issue is beyond the individual’s ability to tackle well.
2 }0 T8 {: P: D$ n# E! p

In conclusion, even if the motivation of protecting the environment is favorable, the limitation of the strength of single mankind is inappreciable because of the complexity of the environmental issue. We should utilize individual’s effort not to rely on it.

词还是不够哦,再多看看替换词啊什么的, 你的缺点是主线不明, 多看看范文, 把逻辑弄清点^^加油, 字数已经很多了

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5楼

发表于 2009-11-16 13:13:03 |只看该作者

本帖最后由可爱的小草于 2009-11-16 13:27 编辑

the one 的:

When we stroll(are) around compus , we always can see that some students are siting in the grass and talking happyly together, sometimes they discuss fiercely ,sometimes they debate a questiom enthusiastically.In contrast,someone who is siting on a chair under the trees,it looks like he thinks a problem deeply but he hasn’t got the answers for a longtime. In spite of studying alone would give you(me) a quiet enviorment,I prefre to study with a group. % w/ O, m( e2 _0 v

Previously I decided to practice my speeking English skills(English speaking skill) by own(多余) myself,but even since(then) I had learned(knew) that it was hard to make a progress no matter how diligent I was,I turned the way of just imitating from movies’lips and talkshows to make a learning group. After that,we designed(made) a schedul(schedule) that members in the group prepared (for)a topic and relevant materials before we were meeting on Sunday every week.(before we met next sunday weekly)As a result,I used the speeking tips which I learned from the English class and spoke them loudly to the group members. Finally,I had got a lot of advice from the members and did well in the speeking English缺少总结

D7 d. @: y0 G) X+ a) l* Q: W
Another advantage of studying with a group is that sharing members’ unique experiments.As we known,members in a group may be from different place all over country as well as they would have various backgrounds.Therefore,we can experience all kinds of culture and different opinions about life.If a person study alone,he just gets the knowledge from books and limits to know the pleasure of something funny such as making friends,working for each other and so on.

! v+ `5 e: }0 k3 ~
) N* K5 X* h3 l+ G
In conclusion,studying with a group not only makes us remarkable in the field of we search but also widens our minds about the world.Today,it is hard to imagine a student can solve all the problems he meets without the other’s help in a group.Regardless,I would like to choose studying with my friends other(rather) than studying alone.

总结: 语法问题, 拼写, 缺少提干支撑

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6楼

发表于 2009-11-16 13:18:08 |只看该作者

05/12的独立写作被修改贴
edited by Yvonne Young
红色为修改的地方
Some people hold the opinion that they like to study(studying) with a group of students in many ways. Others, however, point out they want to study alone. Personally, I would prefer to study alone because I think this choice has more advantages.

There are numerous reasons why I like to study alone; here I explain a few of the most important ones. The main reason is that I like to study in a quiet environment. As for me, the study environment is essential for my study efficiency. For example, when I was reading a book in the library, there were(where are crowded with) a lot of students here too, I was disturbed by their talk(talking) and discussion badly,(.) however(However), when I went out in (and go to) the classroom, where is cold, so(with) few of students like to study there, I can concentrate on my reading now and (that) I just finish(have finished) a 200 pages book in half days(half of the day). So I really think to study alone make me more efficient than to study with others.

Another reason why I advocate the positive attitude toward studying alone is that learning is a process for oneself, so how much you have learnt is depended on yourselves but not others. In our daily life, when you want to learn a skill, such as computer operation, however, (which) others maybe do(may) not want to study it(learn), they want to improve their oral English so they cannot study with you, in this situation, you must focus on your objects and study it by yourselves, so(which means) you should find a book alone, and slove some(the) problems by reading some manuals on your own. when you master(have mastered) that skill, you may be also agree the argument that to study(studying) alone really make(makes) you to learn true knowledges(knowledge).

Of course, choosing to study in a group also has advantage to some extent, one is that you can asks(ask) someone for help when you cannot figure it(the problems) out; or some talented student can share their notes or understanding on a problem with you etc. but if you just depend on others, you may not grap(grasp) other knowledge for a long time.

When all these factors are contemplated, the advantages of studying alone carry more weight on those of studing(studying) with others. From what has been discussed above, I firmly believe that studying alone is a better choice for me.

评语：语法错误太多，文字驾驭能力不够，建议加强语法并增加词汇，能用多个词汇表达一个意思替换使用。

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7楼

发表于 2009-11-17 10:29:01 |只看该作者

来自Yvonne Young,
The one 改
People seldom agree with each other with（about）such trivial issues (issue) as whether study alone or with a group of students, some people prefer to study alone as they do not want to be bothered by others删. As far as I am concerned, although learning with others might be disrupted, I still prefer learning with others.

Admittedly, learning alone indeed has some merits; one of the most important （importances）would certainly be avoid disruption from others. By learning alone, we can totally put all the concentrations(concentration) on books rather than discussing problems with others which wastes us so much time. For example, we(when) you are devoting to solving a difficult math problems, you are likely to be interrupted by your classmate who is asking you an unrelated question, therefore you have to stop your thinking and （to） help him/her solving the question. However, when you have helped your classmate and come back to your study, you can hardly remember where(what) are you have been thinking. In this way, studying in a group may waste more time and energy.（例子中的classmate 与 group 貌似关联不大吧？如果说group 中的teammate 是不是会更好一点？另外，这一段单独出来跟你的文章观点相悖了。）

However, it is still questionable to assert that group learning is not working. As a matter of fact, group study has much more benefits than drawbacks. By learning with others, students have an excellent opportunity to learn the strong points from others; we all know(As we known), different people have different ways to study, some way(ways) are difficult and complex while some way(others) are easy and simple. If we learn about the best way of learning from others and drop out the old way of thinking, it can definitely develop our study efficiency. For example, I often use an old fashioned way to solve an easy physical question which spend(cost) me half an hour to solve it, but after discussing the question with other teammates, we conclude a better way to achieve the answer which only consumes (only) 10 minutes to fix. In a sense, group thinking can result in a more efficient way of study.

Another advantage of learning with other(s) is that it can help students develop their thinking ability and sense of cooperation which is quite important to their future career. When discussing a tough problem, students are free to give different opinions and ideas删, which will certainly enlighten others’ thinking ability and help to create better and fresher solution. Consequently, this way of discussing will bring everyone’s talent to the full play. Moreover, since study(studying) together can not only find better solutions to problems but also develop their thinking ability, students will become more willing to cooperate with each other and form a good sense of teamwork, which cannot be achieved by learning alone.

To wrap up in a nutshell, although learning with others may sometimes wastes much time and lower the study efficiency, the advantages of group learning far outweigh the disadvantages. It creates better environment for students to learn from others, enlightens their thoughts and teaches them the true meaning of team spirits(spirit). Therefore, studying with others would be better than studying alone.

评：词语和词性的选择上还存在一些问题，还需多加练习。

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8楼

发表于 2009-11-17 11:14:32 |只看该作者

来自03
==!交了以后才发现我做错题了。。。。。。
The one 修改 (如果在考场上惨案就这样发生了，呵呵)
167. Schould school buy computers or books?
There are many difficult decisions that school supervisors must make . If school has extra funds, should school purchase computers or books? This is one of the descisions that school should make（和首句换个不同的表达方式应该好一点吧？）. Different people may have different answers. Personally speaking, I consider that buying computers for students can benefit us more. In the following passages I will use specific reasons to introduce my point of view.

Providing computers for students, it will offer students a better condition to study. As we konw(known), computers can record(have) mountains of information. Students can easily get what they want through using computer at dormitery(dormitory) instead of staying at crowded library. At the end of a semester we can always see students waiting in long queue in library to borrow some books for the finals. If we have computers to get e-books, this situation will be improved. So why not to buy computers for students?

If we shtudents (students) have computers, we can surf the internet to know more about world which can offer(open) us a wider window towards the world. We have walked into an information world, and the world is changing fast every day此句与上下文连接不是很紧密吧？. We need to make full use of computers to删 step by step to realize the modernazation（modernization ），globalization and civilization and make a stable foundation before we enter the workforce. For example, in two thousand and eight(2008), Beijing held the Olymlic games. Through copmuters students can surf the internet to watch the big game at home, and the Chinese students can also know more about other contries in internet.(Therefor) ,I do think students need computers.

To offer computers for students, students can make a better communication with others. Teachers, parents and friends can contact with us at any time. Students can send emails to ask teachers (for) some questions after class. And parents can know us more if we don’t live with them. By using the computers we can even talk to friends who are far aways from us on the internet. I can continue to give examples. Should school provide conputers for students? The answer is definitely “positive.”

Taking into account all the factors above, we may safely arrive the conclusion that it is a wise, rational and senible option to purchase computers for students. With the help of computers students are more convinient to study, whichthey can also open their mind and keep touch with others（句子主语不清）. There are so many advantages, and I do agree to buy computers for students

评：文章因为缺少连贯性，就感觉提问句很唐突。

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9楼

发表于 2009-11-17 11:28:59 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 yangqianlei 于 2009-11-17 12:04 编辑

FO的独立写作被修改贴
edited by Yvonne Young
红色为修改的地方
We all know that natural environment plays an important roll（role） in our economic developments, a good nature condition could make our life more easy and happier. We could have less time to go to see doctors, and more time to enjoy our life. So it has to be a significant influence to a country. However, I do not agree that governments should focus more on natural environment problems and less on economic developments.

Economic development is a fundamental requirement for having a good nature environment. Good economy could help improve people’s life condition, satisfy the needs of our people. If people became to(can) live in a better life, the whole level of the society would be improved. Until an appropriate situation, the government could then encourage the whole community to protect the environment together. For instance, the small town called HuiLongguan located near BeiJing(, it删掉) was just an old town living on agriculture at the beginning, and since the government claimed to improve the whole city by improving the economy of countries，（first删掉以后面的重复了, ）HuiLongguan began its first change. Just in short three years, it turned to a city with people live in high quality of life. (And删掉) since they have (加the) fully strength of economy, they made the city (with删掉) a fine scenery. And(Therefore) I cannot believe the environment (加can) changed(change) up side(upside) down without improve(improving) the economy first.

Also, improve economy also(can) help people to become unity.(promote the unity in people.) I believe the economy improvement could also have positive effect on people’s sense about(of) environment protection. Hangzhou is my hometown, people live in the city have high consciousness about (the删掉) protecting our living condition. It is also rare to see citizens throw(throwing) trash somewhere(everywhere). A good economy makes people (to删掉) seek for a better life. And(as) they would consider improving nature condition as their own duty. Even people do not see the trash cash, and throw the garbage somewhere(everywhere), others who see will still pick up the trash, and throw it to the cash. As a result, economy could unified(unify) the community as a whole.

Government focus on the nature condition could help a city in some ways, but take all the results into account; I prefer to stand on the side which government put the economy at first.

评语：语法较多，文字驾驭能力不够用词不够精准，断句有问题，AND不能链接两个有句号的句子，建议多看例文背经典句子熟悉用词，多看语法书提高语法知识尽量避免犯简单语法错误。

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10楼

发表于 2009-11-17 13:10:58 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 eric1207_wei 于 2009-11-17 13:21 编辑

来自Yvonne Young
11.16 综合作文
Edited by 05/12
红色是修改的地方`
Nowadays the impact of economic developments on our daily life is undeniable, but it also comes with a great environmental cost. Therefore there is a raising debate on whether the government should spend more money on natural environmental protection or economy development, many people support economic development as it exerts great benefits to our human beings. However, I believe protecting the environment is more essential considering the current situation.

Admittedly, economic development indeed gives rise to some merits to the society. One of the most important is that it helps improve our basic living conditions. When our parents were young, they often sufferred from the hardship of grave economy; they did not have enough food to eat or good place to live. However, nowadays due to the economic development, our basic living conditions have been greatly improved; we have opportunity to eat all kinds of food from all over the world, we can buy any fancy clothes we want to wear and we also live in a big house with a happy family like a prince or princess. We can（it is前面有了好几个we开头的，换个说法） hardly imagine what our lives would be if the economy has never been developed.

However, it is still questionable to assert that economy development is a blessing,. as(As) a matter of fact;, it brings about a variety of environmental problems which jeopardize our living conditions. The most obvious environmental problem is brought by factories. Since the factory can not only bring a number of jobs but also makes a great contribution to national economy, it has been a major source of economy. However, (at the same time,貌似有点重复了，可以考虑删除) it also brings pollution to the environment; For instance, the chimney of a smelting plant spread out smokes to the air without an end. The smokes, which contain carbon dioxide and sulfur dioxide, are extremely harmful to both the environment and human beings. If people take in too much these kinds of smokes, they are more likely to die from some related diseases, such as cancer which cannot be cured easily.

Another significant problem to note is that the damage of environment caused by the economic development also endangers other species and human beings. By producing products and making profits, the factory often pours waste water into river and strings(stream) without purification, which harms the lives of animal and plants, such as fish, lobsters and waterweeds. What is worse, it may also affect the lives of local people who live on the river. For example, the local people are likely to drink the water or eat the fishes in the river which contains some mineral elements from waste water, such as lead. If that happens, millions of lives would be in danger due to the economy development.

As the reasons mentioned above, although economic development are beneficial to the society, we cannot ignore the harmful effects brought by such improvement. As long as the government pay attention to the problems and take measure to solve the issues, I am sure we can benefit from both the environment and economy.

点评：
文笔较流畅，例子，逻辑均很不错
有点小毛病就是标点;出现在了不当的位置好几次，可能为打字的笔误，建议下次留心下哟～～～

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可爱的小草
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11楼

发表于 2009-11-17 16:27:09 |只看该作者

本帖最后由可爱的小草于 2009-11-17 16:29 编辑

the one 对不起哦, 我电脑出问题了, 验证码一直显示错误, 刚刚电脑查毒, 才好, 实在抱歉!

11.16
Governments should focus more on natural environment problems and less on economic developments.
By The one
Nowadays, citizens enjoy the convenience resulted from economic dewelopment(development),but they always ignore the naturall(natural) environment problems around them.For instance, they walk along the dirty street and drink polluted water everyday. Gradually(Generally), the poor circumstance wiil do harm to their health. In my opinion, government should pay more attention to natural environment ploblems(problems) and less on economic developments.
; O" W# }2 l& A3 J. a
On one hand, natural environment closely relates to every aspect in our life.If there are(is) no fresh air, clean water and unpolluted foods(food),it(we) can’t imagine that people are still keeping healthy and working as normal. However, a group of people would argue that they live in the “boxes” all day and have no relationship with environment. For example, they are sleeping(they sleep) in their apartments, going to work by their cars, working in company’s buildings and returning their homes after being off(删去) work by their cars day after day . Yet the advanced life style brought by ecinomic development can’t cover the reality that natural environment is destroyed by human beings. There are lack of(no more) clean rivers and lakes and resources for our offspring in our natural. Therefor(therefore), government should focus more on natural environment.$ p, E& j$ V0 K' d/ H
the other hand, beautiful natual(natural) environment would promotes the economic develpments as well. Take my hometown for example, recently, local government closed many factories which produced a great number of pollutants(large amount of pollution).Furthermore, large sums of money were invested in(into) the improvement of the environment, such as the treatment of wast water,trash recycling and so on. As a result, more and more tourists from all over world take vacations at my hometown, and then local economis(economy) have a sharp development.: x, [/ [9 w" g2 F# \ k
0 G1 z3 }/ k l( L. X3 ]

In conclusion, it is the responsibility of(for) the government (and)representive of the(删)
people, to spare no efforts to deal with the environment problems. Only by doing this, does the economic development have great meanings to people.

单词老拼错哦, 觉得主线不明确, 例子可以再好些, 比如更有说服力. 第一段应该先把观点说清, 开头的应该明确

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12楼

发表于 2009-11-17 16:59:31 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 yangqianlei 于 2009-11-17 17:00 编辑

05/12的11，17独立写作被修改贴
edited by Yvonne Young
红色为修改的地方
Some people hold that people will be happier when they finish a challenge or difficult job. On the contrary, others believe that they feel much happier when they crack an easier one. as far as I am concerned, I think people will be happier when they complete a more tough one. There are several reasons for it.

First and for the most, from(since) the birth of human beings, we [were struggleing(struggling)这句时态不对，应该为have been struggled] with nature for better living, so human like the challenge, and we will feel very proud and successful when we overcome them. It can be given a concrete example as follows. When I was a child in the high school, I did very badly in (my去掉) maths, and in the first two semesters, I even did not pass the month test of maths for one time, so the maths had been the a big challenge for me. In order to make some progress on it, I often stayed up until 12 PM. What’s more, I would turn to the teacher for help after I spent several days on a singal(single) problem without any results. Three months later, I eventually passed the final maths exam, I was very excited, because I had get over the challenge which perplexed me for the past year.

Another reason why I advocate the attitude is that challenge or risks can give us opportunity to make progress, even promote our civilization, (so we will be much happier这句话和前面没什么因果关系吧？). Take the invention of lamp for an example, in the past, we did not have electrical lamp in the evening, even(even though) we can make electrity(electricity), people did not find a good material to keep (lamp lit改为light on) for a long time, so lots of scientist attempted to look for some methods to solve it. Edsion(Edison), one of the greatest inventors in our human history, (he去掉) had try(tried) many kinds of materials to find the （properest没有这个词，应改为suitable) one, even the human’s（human） hair has been his specimen, so when he got the best one, he not only lit out the lamp, （but more importantly, he改为more importantly, he but also…注意，not only…but also应该前后对应主语一致，不应该插入more importantly ）lit out the modern development of our society.

Of course, when we finish the easy things we may be also very happy, one example is that the teacher ask us to write an essay in English, I finish it in 10 mintues(minutes), in this condition, I also feel happy, because I will spend the rest of time for watching movies, but that is not as crucial as other challenge ones.6

( ^- l+ j7 q- ^7 m# T5 A; F
When all these factors are comtemplated, the happiness we gain for finishing the challenge or risks will be more than finishing an easy one. From what has been discussed above, we may reach the conclusion that people will be happier when they overcome a challenge.

评语：还是有一些语法错误和单词拼写错误，文字驾驭能力不够，建议使用不熟悉的词时多去网上查查它的基本用法，多用几次就能够融会贯通了。
PS：爱迪生的例子挺好的，但是展开的不够深入，应该多修改，修改到完美可以记住再运用到其他的文章里做例子。

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13楼

发表于 2009-11-17 22:53:06 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 happyfaith2008 于 2009-11-17 22:54 编辑

来自冬瓜刨
03修改
11.17 作业
文章结构不错哦！整体上思路很清晰。
最大的毛病是细节不足。
细节是托福很重要的采分点。没有细节的文章得分会很惨。。。
友情提示：
貌似老外很注重生活的细节，我们就投其所好吧!
在论述观点的时候多加一些个别的事例，少一些概括性的论述和推理就可以了。甚至可以编写例子。（只要不举自己的例子就可以啦！可以编出个张三李四出来，当然是用英文名字，注意别把英文名字写错了就行了，错了就算错别字了哦。这可是新东方告诉的绝招哦！）

Some people share the opinion that people are happier when they finish a challenge or difficult job than they do an easy job. Though others argue that this statement is partially, I totally recommend that overcome the difficulties of a job could bring much happier to a person. Because I consider happy is consisted of confidence and satisfaction.

Vovercome ( 这里动名词做主语吧，Overcoming ) difficulties and finish (finishing) a challenge makes people feel confident which could contribute to a happy life. When people finish a challenge, they share the same feeling that they have got a great achievement then they become more confident and happier. Compared with the easy job, challenge is more likely make people feel frustrated. Hence, finished the challenge could be happier in the contract of an easy one. (这两句话貌似逻辑有点讲不通哦！)( D' ()n6 N$ D5 @" `

Go（Going） through the difficulties leads to a sense of satisfy (satisfy是动词哦！用satisfaction 或者fulfilment 推荐用fulfilment ). To the people who are struggling with the difficulties, this kind of satisfaction means happy (happiness). Some people could argue that the easy job can also lead to satisfaction. I would like to say that only the difficulties could make people feel great satisfaction because of the effort they devoted before. Moreover, going through the difficulties means that the working is meaningful to the people. So, people could always feel more happier when they finished the challenge.

Of course, easy job can make people happy. The working people paid and then they gain. However, when comes to the situation that we must compared which one could make people happier, I would like to say that the achievement through hard working must make people feel happier. Easy job could hardly fulfilled (fulfil) people’s ambitions to reach a great confidence and satisfaction./ R" ]( { g# N% Z n0 J$ U
: b3 n/ s0 g7 b9 W5 a* Z
All in all, I am greatly support the opinion that happiness comes more when compared with a challenge and difficult job to an easy one. Confidence and the sense of satisfy construct the happiness.

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14楼

发表于 2009-11-18 09:47:08 |只看该作者

来自Yvonne Young)
11，17作业
Nowadays an expanding number of people tend to choose a(an) easy and relaxed job as they prefer a(an) easy-going working style. However, other people hold a view point that a challenging job is better for it(the reason that it) can make you feel happier when you accomplish it. Although a challenging job is rather difficult to handle, I still believe that the benefits from this job far outweigh its disadvantages.! |(这句话不够点题，好像突然要讨论benefits 和disadvantages一样•••)

Admittedly, a challenging job indeed gives rise to some problems. One of the most significant is that it exerts great pressure on people. In order to achieve the difficult goals, people always have to figure out the best solution to the problem. As we all know, everything has two sides, if we do not compare the both sides carefully and consider the things in the long run as well as those in current situations, we cannot make the right choice at the right time. For example, since there are many ways to promotes sales, such as television, internet and catalogs, the salesmen have to consider which means is the best to make the most profits. However, if they made an unwise decision, it may put the company profits in danger. In this way, the challenging job usually makes a great pressure on salesmen.（salesman是因为销售量上不去而有压力，还是因为这项工作有难度而又压力？若是后者，应说一下工作的难度在哪里，然后再说salesman面对有难度的工作时有压力。）

However, it is still questionable to assert that taking challenging job is a curse, as a matter of fact; the profits it brings about are far more obvious. Just as the old saying goes,”pressure engenders impetus.” When we undertake such tough task, we are in an ideal environment to do the best of ourselves which help to dig out our potential talents. Still taking the promotion sales for example, if we never work under such stress, we might make the decision without thinking. Yet, since the task is directly related to the future profits of company, we will take all the energy and efforts to finish this task which we never think we can handle. Once we succeed, it can not only help us realize our potential but also increases the opportunity of promotion.

Another benefit worth mentioning is that the（a） challenging task enriches our working experience which helps us working better and faster. If we are(get) used to the easy-going working style, we will learn nothing in the end as we always doing the tedious and common work, which cannot prepare us for the future development. On the contrary, in a challenging job, there is always something different and new to see and experience which greatly increase our working experience. This can be best illustrated in a leader, who has to communicate with the subordinates as well as his team members, who also have to deal with the physical and psychological problems of the companies and employees.(语法有误，两个从句后没有谓语•••句子不完整。) If we have handled all the problems properly, this accumulated experience will make us never be afraid taking other kinds of harder work.（这段还是没有点题呵，我都没看到challenge job有没有给领导happiness）

Since the promotion and the accumulated working experience are the best to satisfy our needs for the future development, we can enjoy the greatest happiness and sense of achievement by working a challenging job. Therefore, people feel much happier when they finishing a challenging job than accomplishing an easy job.

评
1 长句子太多，用which从句太多，试试用同位语从句，省掉which和be动词，用ing形式表主动，ed形式表被动••••
2. 每段中心句不太明显。文章中没有分析好压力，经验和快乐的关系。

嗯，可能说得比较重，见谅••••

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15楼

发表于 2009-11-18 14:57:38 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 eric1207_wei 于 2009-11-18 15:18 编辑

11.17作业
来自03
editd by05/12
We all know the saying that after the storm the sun always. Challenge is to happiness, what (while) storm is to sun. Without undergoing the storm the world can also enjoy the sunshine but we can not see the wonder of the nature. Without challenges or difficult jobs we may live easily, but we can not experience the the happiness of fulfillment. Absolutely speaking, people are much happier when they finish a challenge or difficult job than when they do an easy job.

First, when we finish a challenge job we will be happy to find that we have more confidence about themselves(ourselves). A student who is not good at maths may think it is imposible for him to help other student to solve a maths problem. But when he finishes the difficult job, he will be more confident about the subject. And when he meets other problems he will also have faith in himself'

Second, complishing a difficult job, we will be happy to find that we can do more things than we think and we can develop our pretencials(单词不认识呀，是potential 吗？). Life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you are going to get. We know that we human beings have mountains of protentials（估计是potentials）. But like the chocolate, we don’t know what the protencials are before we constantly challenge ourselves. It’s said that the famous scientist Albert Einstein who always studyed difficult issues had developed more protencials（不管是什么单词，建议在一段话里面多换几种说法吧） than the ordinary. This is to say we can be more inteligent than we think by finishing difficult job

Third, to fulfil a difficult job can make us popular with our friends or coworkers, even our family members. If there is a job that all of your friends can not carry through but you, you will be treated nicely and you will have a good reputation among your friends. We may get a high pay or high position if we can always finish challenge job in a company. And we can also get respection from our children. Maybe it is the happiest thing that our children are proud of ourselves.

Taking into account all the factors above, we may safely draw the conclusion that people are happier when they finish a challenge or difficult job than when they do an easy job. We can be more condifent, develop our pretiencials and we can also be popular among others. With so many benefits, now I want to choose a challenge job for myself. So what about you?
点评：
文笔较为流畅，特别是第一段那几个对照的句子，很闪光呀
几处谚语也用的非常恰当
论证也较为充分，有点小瑕疵就是那个单词
另外，也可以考虑加强一个意思多种表达方式的训练，文章中有些地方意思都一样，但可以尝试不同说法

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