[活动] 12.24作文，很皮啊，多提建议哦 [复制链接]

michael_beyond
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电梯直达

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发表于 2009-12-24 22:54:51 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Some people spend their entire lives in one place, while others move to other places for many times, looking for a better job, community, or even climate.
As for me I do not agree with that people should live in the city or country all life instead of moving to another place. There are three main reasons.

The first reason is that people move to another place due to their careers. Nowadays, many people find a job and they begin what is called '' climbing the corporate ladder''. This means devoting themselves wholeheartedly to their careers, going wherever one's career should dictate . So in order to do the job better they move to the place where the job required them to move. They may move a number of times as they change jobs many times, looking for advancement and new challenges, as well as ways to increase and improve their skills.

The second reason for people's moving around is that they can meet new people, and they may enjoy living in different places. some people may think that moving is a very intimidating experience, while others think that it is always a new and welcome challenge. One only needs to have an adventuresome spirit and be adaptable and flexible, to make the most of the experience.

The third reason why people should move to another place is that they can experience a new place, a different environment. For example, with the city pollution increasing, many people choose to move to the country where the climate is suitable for them, which is also good for their health. What's more there is less noise in country.

In conclusion, people should not live in the city or country all life instead of moving to another place. First, moving is in the line of work and duty. Second, they are able to go to a new place and meet new people. Third, people can experience a new place and environment.

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nwu-uwo
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沙发

发表于 2009-12-25 12:02:01 |只看该作者

Some people spend their entire lives in one place, while others move to other places for many times, looking for a better job, community, or even climate（个人感觉此处最好用目的状语，to ,in order to, so as to等，用分词感觉有点怪。）.

As for me（加逗号） I do not agree with that people should live in the city or country all life instead of moving to another place. There are three main reasons.

The first reason is that people move to another place due to （for的目的性更强）their careers. Nowadays, many people find a job and they begin what is called '' climbing the corporate ladder''. This means devoting themselves wholeheartedly to their careers, going wherever one's career should dictate（？意思表达模糊，结构有点问题）. So in order to do the job better they move to the place where the job required them to move（有点“废话”的嫌疑，这种话往往会使你的评分大打折扣）. They may move a number of times as they change jobs many times（？？表达有点生硬，缺少灵性）, looking for advancement and new challenges, as well as ways to increase and improve their skills（现在分词做状语也不是在任何情况下都可以用的，我发现你非常爱用这个东西，但是这些地方很不自然，建议换个表达）.

The second reason for people's moving around（？这个跟move house可不是一个意思，最好不要在论点问题上让人感觉有跑题的感觉，不然功亏一篑）（此处用reason why clause要比for更能拿分） is that they can meet new people, and they may enjoy living in different places(思路有问题，这种话就不要写了，我建议你翻译成中文看一下你的文章，你会有什么感觉？因为我们面对的ETS native speaker). Some people may think that moving is a very intimidating(??此词太大) experience, while others think that it is always a new and welcome（？？） challenge. One only needs to have an adventuresome spirit and be adaptable and flexible, to make the most of the experience（意思模糊，论据空洞，最好找一些specific example, 讲这些空话没有任何意义，一定要引起足够的重视）.

The third reason why people should move to another place is that they can experience（？？用法不准确） a new place, a different environment. For example, with the city pollution increasing（此处结构很不错，with 的独立主格）, many people choose to move to the country where the climate is suitable for them, which is also good for their health. What's more（，） there is less noise in country.

In conclusion, people should not live in the city or country all life instead of moving to another place. First, moving is in the line of work and duty. Second, they are able to go to a new place and meet new people. Third, people can experience a new place and environment.
你的文章总体结构还是比较完整的，但问题还是有的：
首先，语法有待进一步加强，句式结构单一，词汇运用不准确。
其次，论点论据空洞，不具有说服力，这个非常严重的问题，一定要在论据上面下功夫，不然吃亏的是你自己。
最后，开篇太简单，结尾不新颖，俗话说文章要“凤头，猪肚，豹尾”，这个是很重要的。
祝你好运，加油！
1# michael_beyond

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clisalong
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板凳

发表于 2009-12-25 21:17:08 |只看该作者

乱评一下，你看看，不必太认真。。。。。

Some people spend their entire lives in one place, while others move to other places for many times, looking for a better job, community, or even climate.(even climate ，这里有点语病吧, 我想你是想说，甚至是因为天气吧，我觉得，even because of the temperature.)^2 g
As for me(这里，我看不大懂,感觉很chinengish。。 To my opinion,or in my mind) I do not agree with that people should live in the city or country all their life instead of moving to another place all the time(因为这里不是说人不搬，而是时不时都搬). There are three main reasons as follows.（其实你下面是给人什么原因呢？？我也没看懂，你是想说人为什么会搬家吗？？？但是你没写出来啊。。。There are three reasons why the people wanna move to another place to live.）
" m+ a" Z \& Y
The first reason is that(这里用：First of all,会不会好点呢？？) people move to another place due to their careers. Nowadays, many people find a job and they begin what is called '' climbing the corporate ladder''（这句话好像也有点语病，说不出怎么改，可是感觉怪怪的，你看看有没有高手教教你）. This means devoting themselves wholeheartedly to their careers, going wherever one's career should dictate . So in order to do the job better they move to the place where the job required them to move（这里嘛，有点累赘，到底是他们是为更好工作所以主动搬家还是工作要求呢？？）. They may move a number of times as much as they change jobs many times(many times 删掉), looking for advancement and new challenges, as well as ways to increase and improve their skills.
U6 R
The second reason for people's moving around is that they can meet new people（新人？！应该用strangers吧，or new guys）, and they may enjoy living in different places. some（一个句子结束了后面用大写） people may think that moving is a very intimidating experience, while others think that it is always a new and welcome challenge. One only needs（都用one 为什么need要用复数呢？？我也不懂） to have an adventuresome spirit and be adaptable and flexible, to make the most of the experience.* x2 n& u+ i. t0 U
The third reason why people should move to another place is that they can experience a new place, a different environment（用circumstances 会不会好点呢？？其实我也不清楚）. For example, with the city pollution increasing, many people choose to move to the country where the climate is suitable for them, which is also good for their health. What's more there is less noise in country.
In conclusion, people should not live in the city or country all life instead of moving to another place. First, moving is in the line of work and duty. Second, they are able to go to a new place and meet new people. Third, people can experience a new place and environment.

其实呢，我也不算专家，可是，我觉得看你文章，觉得你是不是喜欢先想中文，然后用英文把它翻译出来的习惯呢？？？有些地方读起来有点奇怪了，不过看得出来你单词量还行，我有些单词都不懂呢，呵呵，你凑合看看我改的吧。。。。

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