[求助] 第一次写，求拍砖，大家使劲拍……谢谢 [复制链接]

gexuming
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-1-23 18:28:27 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 gexuming 于 2010-1-24 21:58 编辑

09年6月27
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? For future career success, is relate well to other people more important than studing hard at school.

When it comes to success in the future career, a number of people believe that , nowadays, the well relationship between each other is more important than studying hard at school . However, support is growing for the althernative opinion, include me, that studying hard at school is the extremely important things for our success. My reasons will be detailde as follows.

To begin with ,there is no denying the fact that the konwledges ,studing at school ,is one of the most important fundament for your future career. Throughout history, no one can success only through to relate well to each other , even the genius such as Tomas Edison , but also needs the solid fundamental konwledges , for which somebody should gets through the hard studing at school. Just as the famous statement saying by Tomas Edison , genius also needs ninety-nine prespiration.

Success is the fruit borne only after long-term efforts. Each of us has goals and ambitions for which we are continuously striving. Without one hundred percent hard work , a person can hardly excel in his/her field or attain to success. For example , an athele can never depend on the relationship to win the event .He/She needs terribly hard work so as to obtain the energy needed for final success.

In fact ,we have to admit the fact that in some conditions we should to thank the relationship for it contribution in our success .However , only depend on the good relationship is definitely unreality . If it were ture that we can mere through relate well to each others to obtain success , everyone needs to do is to make the well relationship , only, and then go shraight to the success .But , that is not what occurs in reality .

In the final analysis ,If we want to be success in our future career , in the one hand we need to relate well to the others, in the other hand , we also need ,which is the most importance that nothing else can equal it , studing hard in the school.

为了梦想，也许你就有无穷的动力！

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gexuming
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沙发

发表于 2010-1-24 09:58:04 |只看该作者

求高手给改一下啊…………谢谢啦

为了梦想，也许你就有无穷的动力！

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mpromanus
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板凳

发表于 2010-1-31 00:18:41 |只看该作者

When it comes to success in the one's future career, nowadays a number of people believe that, nowadays, the well good relationship between each other is more important than studying hard at school . However, support is growing for the althernative opinion, include me (This means 'the alternative opinion' 'includes' you..because the subject of this sentence is 'support', not 'supporting people'. Thus eaders won't establish 'me' as part of the subject of this sentence, but will establish it as part of the nearest noun phrase.), that studying hard at school is the extremely important things (I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to express here. It's either 'extremely important' or 'the most important THING'.) for our success. My reasons will be detailed as follows.

To begin with, there is no denying the fact that the knowledges, studied at school ('study knowledge' is probably one of the most popular non-native English user mistakes. It's similar to the error in 'work money'. You work for money and study for knowledge.), is one of the most important fundaments for your future career. Throughout history, no one can success only through to relateing well to each other , even the a genius such as Thomas Edison. but He also needs the solid fundamental knowledges (What kind of knowledge is considered 'fundamental knowledge' anyway?), for which somebody should gets through the hard studying hard at school (If this is your point - fundamental knowledge should be acquired through schooling, the Edison would be a bad example - you know his official schooling only lasted three months due to his inability to concentrate in classes, don't you?). Just as the famous statement saying by Tomas Edison does, genius also needs ninety-nine prespiration (FYI: He did say that. But now a more complete version is said to be 'Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. But always the 1% inspiration is mostly important.' Talk about twisted quotes.).

Success is the fruit borne only after long-term efforts. Each of us has goals and ambitions for which we are continuously striving. Without one hundred percent hard work , a person can hardly excel in his/her field or attain to success. For example, an athele can never depend on the relationships to win the an event .He/She needs terribly hard work so as to obtain the energy needed for final success. (Good example of the athlete, but your keyword should be 'studying hard at school' - this whole phrase, not just 'hard' or 'hard work'. You're subconciously expanding the topic in question because you keep writing from the previous sentence to the next one, and your keyword drifts through 'study', 'school' to 'Edison', to Edison's quote about hard work, then to 'hard work'. Think about what your example really demonstrates given the question's terms. Don't just use an example as it is because that's the only remotely relevant example you know or you've prepared. You need to shape your example to fit the question, not the other way round.)

In fact ,we have to admit the fact that in under some conditions we should to thank the relationship (What relationship? 'Relating well with others' doesn't mean 'relationship'.) for its contribution in our success. However , only depending on the good relationships is definitely unrealistic. If it were ture that we can obtain success mere through mere relating well to each others to obtain success (The original version seems like a direct translation from Chinese.), what everyone only needs to do is to make the well good relationships, only, and then go straight to the success .But, that is not what occurs in reality. (Examples? Also, this paragraph doesn't have any conclusion about the IMPORTANCE of making relationships, compared to that of studying hard. Whether good relationships are truly useful or realistic is not what the question is asking for. To put simply, the question doesn't care if good relationships are useful in their own. It's the RELATIVE importance between 'relating well to others' and 'studying hard at school' that matters.)

In the final analysis, if we want to be successful in our future careers, on the one hand we need to relate well to the others, on the other hand, we also need, which is the most important that nothing else can equal it (If you use an attribute clause like 'which is...', you need something in front that holds the attribute - which means attribute clauses should come AFTER noun/pronoun phrases like 'studying hard'. The way you're writing your sentence is still much akin to the sentence strucutre of simple sentences, where the attributives comes BEFORE noun/pronoun phrases, and this is generally unacceptable for an attributive clause.), studying hard in the school.

总结：

为什么你的空格都在逗号的前面而不是后面？。。=.=

语法 - 如最后一段的评语所指出的，你的句式非常怪异。。可以考虑放在前面作定语/状语的部分，你会把它放在后头并用逗号独立出来，减低句子的通顺度（a number of people believe that, nowadays, ...），但应该放在名词后头的定语从句，你却把它放在名词前面，还是用逗号独立出来，一样减低句子的通顺度。。请注意英语的句法和中文有很大的不同。。

词汇 - 请注意拼写 =.=

逻辑 - 一个是漂移，就是从一个关键字写到另一个关键字再到另一个关键字最后结束的时候关键字已经完全不是问题最初给的关键字了。像第二/三段，就是从努力读书说到爱迪生，从爱迪生说到辛勤汗水，然后就开始说辛勤汗水才能成功 - 问题是辛勤汗水和努力读书并不是同一件事情，本来就是比实力的体育比赛和有很多综合因素才能决定的career success更没有可比性。你也许准备的例子是爱迪生所以就光想着怎么把爱迪生凑上去，可是凑上去不是叫你把题目揉揉凑上例子，是要想想怎么把例子揉揉能凑上题目 =.=。。另外一个就是题目是比较性的，你要注重以比较的方式展开，而不是一段光顾着说这一面好，另外一段只说另外一面。

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