[习作点评] 【NINE小组】第十四次作业-by oyxj1551 [复制链接]

oyxj1551
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发表于 2011-9-16 00:59:13 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

I agree with the former claimthat society should try to save every plant and animal species, despite theexpense to humans in effort, time, and financial well-being. In my point ofview, every species, concluding human, are equal. We human should treat otherspecies the same way as human and do our best to make sure their away ofextinction.

Unfortunately, since 1600s we human have rapidlyaccelerated the extinction of other species because of the growth of populationand resource consumption. According to the World Conservation Union, in thepast 500 years there are 844 plant and animal species have died out from earth.For example, in 1600s Mauritius Island is the only habitant for the famous dodobird. However, because it's fat and unable to fly, it has soon become the idealprey of hunters that came from Europe. Soon, it has died out from earth. Today,most of the world's habitats are changing faster than most species can adaptto. The current global extinction rate is estimated at about 20,000 species peryear, exponentially greater than the background extinction rate. Manybiologists believe that we are in the middle of the greatest mass extinctionepisode since the disappearance of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. Hence,facing the serious situation, it's our responsibility to save every species andreverse the increasing rate of extinction.

Besides, we human will be badly influenced by theextinction of species. For one thing, each species can be the study sample forscience research. Biologists study different species to find out therelationship between them and to figure out the evolution process. Forinstance, by studying ape, biologist has discovered lots of valuableinformation about the evolution of human. So, any extinction of one specieswill be a great loss to science research. For another, we human are not wellaware of the specific function of every species in the whole food chain. It ison the cards that human which at the top of the chain dies out due todisappearance of one species in the long run. In consideration of the twocases, we have to protect the endangered species.

Actually, many people are making great efforts tosave endangered animals and plants all over the world. For example, researchersin the Giant Panda Protection Base in China are taking care of giant pandasevery day. With their effort, we have gladly seen more and more pandas living underprotection. Although the effort we have made, many species are becoming extincteach year. It proves that the current effort we made is limited. More peopleare expected to join in the protection of other species and more effort is need.Only in this way can we develop sustainably in the long way.

By presenting all the factors above, I stronglybuttress the idea that efforts for saving species is in great need.It is true that by keeping other species from becoming extinct, we are helpingourselves.

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wywcgs
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发表于 2011-9-16 12:26:42 |只看该作者

1# oyxj1551
I agree with the former claim that societyshould try to save every plant and animal species, despite the expense tohumans in effort, time, and financial well-being. In my point of view, everyspecies, concluding human, are equal (这段话有些独立。表面上和题目没有密切联系，上下文也没有相应的承接，说明等。我觉得换成和上下文贴得比较近的句子比较好。事实上，我觉得你这个陈述本身已经可以成为一个issue的题目了，因为这个equal的poor definition -_-). We human should treat other species the sameway as human and do our best to make sure their away of extinction.

Unfortunately, since 1600s we human haverapidly accelerated the extinction of other species because of the growth ofpopulation and resource consumption. According to the World Conservation Union,in the past 500 years there are 844 plant and animal species have diedout from earth. For example, in 1600s Mauritius Island is the only habitant(habitat?) for the famous dodo bird. However, because it's fat and unable tofly, it has soon become the ideal prey of hunters that came from Europe. Soon,it has died out from earth. Today, most of the world's habitats are changingfaster than most species can adapt to. The current global extinction rate isestimated at about 20,000 species per year, exponentially greater than thebackground extinction rate. Many biologists believe that we are in the middleof the greatest mass extinction episode since the disappearance of thedinosaurs 65 million years ago. Hence, facing the serious situation, it's ourresponsibility to save every species and reverse the increasing rate ofextinction.
(这一段的论点是陈述物种灭绝问题的严重性？我觉得有单纯罗列例子而缺少说明的倾向。大量的数据，让人眼花缭乱@_@。例子不在多而在精吧。只有最后一句话表明了你的态度，而缺少论证。事实上，我觉得你的论点设置的有问题，这一块的看法我放在最后写。)

Besides, we human will be badly influencedby the extinction of species. For one thing, each species can be the studysample for science research. Biologists study different species to find out therelationship between them and to figure out the evolution process. For instance,by studying ape, biologist has discovered lots of valuable information aboutthe evolution of human. So, any extinction of one species will be a great lossto science research. For another, we human are not well aware of the specificfunction of every species in the whole food chain. It is on the cards thathuman which at the top of the chain dies out due to disappearance of onespecies in the long run. In consideration of the two cases, we have to protectthe endangered species.
(
1. 前一部分，一个studing ape的例子无法支持你的“anyextinction of one species will …”中的any。事实上多少例子都无法支持你的any。我觉得你这个论点很不好论证，因为太绝对。
2. 后一部分，只有论述没有例子，略显单薄。
)

Actually, many people are making greatefforts to save endangered animals and plants all over the world. For example,researchers in the Giant Panda Protection Base in China are taking care ofgiant pandas every day. With their effort, we have gladly seen more and morepandas living under protection. Although the effort we have made, many speciesare becoming extinct each year. It proves that the current effort we made islimited. More people are expected to join in the protection of other speciesand more effort is need. Only in this way can we develop sustainably in thelong way.
(这一段…… 你那个panda的例子证明了什么？你真正想要论述的应该是后面那部分“目前的努力还不够”吧。你在前面不着重强调部分举例，后面真正要论述的部分不举例，让人觉得这个例子可有可无，无法支持论点。)

By presenting all the factors above, Istrongly buttress the idea that efforts for saving species is in great need. Itis true that by keeping other species from becoming extinct, we are helping ourselves.

嗯……总觉得这篇文章总体来看有很大问题。
第一个，我记得在网上看到过，绝对的陈述都是很不好捍卫的，因为只要一个特例就能让这个陈述失效。而你的观点正好就是这种绝对化的陈述——人类应该保护其它的所有物种。事实上你第二段所采用的论述手段很难证明这种绝对化的陈述。你只能说某些物种的灭绝会对人类有严重影响，因此保护某些物种是必要的。可是你怎么证明所有的物种都有这种作用，都是必要的呢？
第二个，分析下你的结构。你的第一段陈述的是“物种灭绝问题的严重性”。这一段的核心其实是对事实的陈述，而几乎没有掺杂什么你自己的见解。第二段对“人类会在物种灭绝中重要严重影响”才是你的个人观点。第三段“人类已经做了很多的努力去保护物种”，主要又是在陈述现状，作为事实依据，也不算是你自己的什么观点。
先不说你的论点是否可以支撑主题，从总体来看，你文章中真正大块阐述了个人观点的，也就是第二段而已。一三两段虽然少有夹杂你的见解，但是大部分都是事实。我觉得这是个很严重的问题，因为issue的目的正是阐述你的观点而不是描述现状。单纯的陈述事实并没有什么意义，陈述事实的目的是来支撑自己的观点的。
如第一段，你论述的目的如果是单纯说明现状严峻，我觉得没有必要，否则就有单纯罗列事实的嫌疑。“现状严峻”应该要引出你的看法，比如说“因为现状严峻，所以我们必须大力保护”。因此你的例子也应该相应作出变动，如：严重的现状是渡渡鸟被灭绝了，如果它还在的话，会给人类带来什么什么样的好处。类似的事情还在持续发生，为了阻止这种悲剧，我们必须要大力保护等等。
第三段我仍然觉得你设置的论点有问题。你后面真正要论述的部分，所陈述的是“我们目前的努力还不够”。回想一下我们要论述的内容：应不应该大力保护稀有动植物？而你这一段已经默认了应该大力保护，然后讨论的是“当前的努力是否足够”。这就显得偏题了，因为不管你论述的结果是肯定的（力度够了），还是否定的（力度不够），都对证明“是否应该这么做”起不到什么帮助。我觉得你还是应该添加自己的观点，比如说你要论述的可以是：目前的力度不够，因此对人类造成了不好的影响。这样才可以支持“我们应当大力保护”这个论题。然后你的例子就要变成：对某某动物虽然有了保护，然是由于保护不力，导致了某些对人类的恶劣影响等等。
个人观点，仅供参考。

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