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[未归类] 43习作人生中第一次请不要嘲笑。。。求批改求建议 [复制链接]

燕燕小傻猫
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2012-4-28 21:59:29 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由燕燕小傻猫于 2012-4-28 22:24 编辑

题目43To be an effective leader,a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. I agree with the speaker's opinion fundamentally.To be an effective leader, ethical and moral standards are necessary for a public official. However,the speaker argues that a public official must maintain these standard ,and there lies my points of contention with him.
I concede that the speaker is on the correct philosophical side of this issue. After all,ethical and moral standards are so crucial that, without them, society will be in crisis,civilization will be in chaos,and progress will be surrogated by retrogradation.But the speaker unreasoningly imposes a plausible relationship between being an effective leader and maintaining the ethical and moral standards.The latter is a rudimental requisite for well-rounded citizens,as well as public officials.
Yet,there are many other factors led to a effective leader,such as management talent,eloquence,EQ and so on.Management talent,as we know, is vital to every realm in our society,with this talent,we can achieve our goal less wastefully.And when it comes to eloquence,Winston Churchill is an apt illustration.His speaking was so impressive and infectious that render the audience of Great British a strong faith with his government.Recently,a survey conducted by Institution of Cognitive psychology shows that the Emotional Quotient (EQ) is vital to success. The speaker overemphasises the consequence of ethical and moral standards by using the word "must".
What is more,the speaker overlooks the fact of "human are fallible".Thinking about the very notion of "highest ethical and moral standards" ,it is hard for most of us to maintain these standards.Even Gandhi had trouble with achieving highest ethical and moral standards,whether you admit it or not.
In sum, there is no such connection between being an effective leader and maintaining the ethical and moral standards. Moreover,the speaker fails to figure the notion of "highest ethical and moral standards" out.After all , we human always make mistakes.

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okqishi
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沙发

发表于 2012-4-28 22:15:24 |只看该作者

lz发习作的格式很不规范
1.请把题目贴上来
2.连最起码的段与段都没有分开。请整理格式

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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燕燕小傻猫
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板凳

发表于 2012-4-28 22:25:51 |只看该作者

2# okqishi 这样行了么不好意思

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地板

发表于 2012-4-28 23:23:16 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 okqishi 于 2012-4-28 23:28 编辑

I agree with the speaker's opinion fundamentally.To be an effective leader, ethical and moral standards are necessary for a public official【前面是effective leader，后面却是public official，前后不统一，容易引起歧义】. However,the speaker argues that a public official must maintain these standard【standards】 ,and there lies my points of contention with him.

I concede that the speaker is on the correct philosophical side of this issue. After all,ethical and moral standards are so crucial that, without them, society will be in crisis,civilization will be in chaos,and progress will be surrogated by retrogradation.But the speaker unreasoningly imposes a plausible relationship between being an effective leader and maintaining the ethical and moral standards.The latter is a rudimental requisite for well-rounded citizens,as well as public officials.

Yet,there are many other factors led to a effective leader,such as management talent,eloquence,EQ and so on.Management talent,as we know, is vital to every realm in our society,with this talent,we can achieve our goal less wastefully.And when it comes to eloquence,Winston Churchill is an apt illustration.His speaking was so impressive and infectious that render the audience of Great British a strong faith with his government.Recently,a survey conducted by Institution of Cognitive psychology shows that the Emotional Quotient (EQ) is vital to success. The speaker overemphasises the consequence of ethical and moral standards by using the word "must".【这段写的不错】

What is more,the speaker overlooks the fact of "human are fallible".Thinking about the very notion of "highest ethical and moral standards" ,it is hard for most of us to maintain these standards.Even Gandhi had trouble with achieving highest ethical and moral standards,whether you admit it or not.【这段过短了，论据论证都不充分】

In sum, there is no such connection between being an effective leader and maintaining the ethical and moral standards. Moreover,the speaker fails to figure the notion of "highest ethical and moral standards" out.After all , we human always make mistakes.

1.文章行文基本流畅

2.虽然行文流畅，但从内容和结构上来讲，你的文章有问题。首段开头，你声明：I agree with the speaker's opinion fundamentally. 但是无论是从正文段来看还是从结尾段来看，你基本上都是在陈述你disagree的论据与论证。fundamentally agree当然会有contention，但这种contention只会存在一点，在文章中也只能占据较小篇幅。显然，你不恰当的占据了大部分篇幅。其实你这种属于fundamentally disagree或者agree to some extent

3.开头段与结尾段最好要相互呼应。

再接再厉

PS. 一篇格式不规范的习作求改贴是没有版友愿意帮忙改的。
lz下次发帖的时候请按照格式发，包括题目与instruction，段与段之间只有两种分隔方式：要么开头空四个字符，段与段之间不空行；要么段与段之间空一行，开头不空字符。好的行文格式要早养成。

标准习作贴参考格式：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1363640-1-1.html

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