[求助] 作文求批改（自我感觉良好的说） [复制链接]

宪法第一修正案
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电梯直达

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发表于 2012-5-10 21:02:53 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

今天写了一篇自我感觉良好的，求大虾批改。
[Topic 110122]
Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement: the fast development of society today is a positive trend. Usespecific reasons and examples to support your answer.

[My Writing]
Probably no issue in this world is assignificant as development. Every country, even every people, in this planet istrying its best to develop better. Although there is some people doubts aboutthe fast development in recent years, I personally would surely endorsepositively on the fast development of society.

First and foremost, this fast developmenthas truly improved people's lives. The last one century has witnessed thegreatest improvement of people's lives ever in human history. To give someexamples, the great development in food production largely lowers the number ofpeople dying out of starvation. Equally important, transportation tools nowmakes more and easier for people to travel. As its result, travelling aroundthe world, which was once a dream for most of people, becomes possible even fornormal people. The list of examples could just go on and on for ever.

Moreover, there is another positive effectdeserves some words here. This fast development of society brings tons ofchances for people, consequently people living in this fast development worldgenerally feel bright for their futures. This is especially true for youngpeople nowadays. For people of the last generation when only relatively slowerdevelopment was realised, it was extremely difficult for them to rise in theircareer simply because there was not so many positions there. In contrast, youngpeople, perhaps especially those in countries like Chinaand India,can generally expect some chance in their future because their companies justkeep on expanding.

I would never intend to imply that the fastdevelopment of society brings no side effect. To name some, the differencebetween the rich and the poor are becoming more serious nowadays, and sometradition was lost during such fast development. Nonetheless, I would stillvote for the fast development, because it improves people's lives and bringsmore hope to people.

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jiang08
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沙发

发表于 2012-5-11 08:26:17 |只看该作者

第一段中，第二句的every people是指民族？还是指个体？注意单复数，介词。第三句-->Although some people are doubtful about the fast development.......
第二段，写的太抽象。第1，2剧完全可以合并。食品制造有哪些发展？比如发明了廉价不易腐败的粮食可以被长途运输到贫困地区，因此减少饥饿？旅游我就不说了，你可以对比飞机和马车的效率。环游地球的例子不恰当，因为这基本不是一个时间效率问题，而是生存方式问题。最后一句纯属累赘。
第三段，论点显得很模糊，是要写psychological impact还是说职业发展中机会多？feel bright后面介词应是about。论述中最好定义一下你认为什么时候是slow development。同样的例子展开的不到位。

介词有好几个错的，仔细检查一下，另外主谓单复数一致也是个问题。

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