[作文] 菜鸟大作文求狠批！！ [复制链接]

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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2012-9-6 12:03:48 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

现在最纠结的就是写作跟口语。。小作文跟口语都还没开始复习
大作文也觉得很弱，这是我用9月1号的题目写的，希望各位大侠走过路过给点意见啊。。。目标6分，只求狠批！

题目
Spend money on major sports of international competition or spend money encouraging children to take part in sports from a young age.
正文
As we readily appreciating the international sport competitions, whether government should allocate such huge money in major sports of international competition has aroused people's attention. My personal view is that it is more worthwhile to spend money on stimulating children to participate in sports in their early year.

Sports, undoubtedly, are physically and mentally beneficial to youths' growth. Firstly, children can build up their bodies from sports exercises. This will provide enough energy for them to live healthier and study harder. Besides, children's mentality may gain a huge development from physical education. Teenagers who keep a well habit of sports can have a positive attitude towards their study and life while other kids may spend their spare time on something might be harmful to their growth such as playing video games.

Furthermore, encouraging children to participate in sports from a young age will give them access to some sport events in which they may be potentially experts. Some kids, for instance, who may be interesting in a certain sport event，are likely to lose the opportunity to practice or to take part in any competition because they were brought up in needy families which cannot afford the expenses of sports equipment.

Admittedly, participating in international competition may not only bring reputation for countries themselves, but also stimulate the national sport. It is no difficulty to point out that the reputation of reward of global marches is temporary, and it obviously cannot make any practical usage for countries themselves. In addition, international sport competitions will still develop well if the players were practicing enough from young age.

To sum up, I totally hold the view that allocating money in encouraging teenagers to take part in sports from a young age is more significant than funding sports of international competition.

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沙发

发表于 2012-9-12 11:05:51 |只看该作者

朋友，我不得不说，你这个作文估计得不了6.。。我正在改，改完跟帖发出来

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板凳

发表于 2012-9-12 11:36:06 |只看该作者

先说一下对于你这篇文章的我的个人看法，当然，仅仅是本人个人观点，不喜勿怪。
你选的是后面一个观点，spend money encouraging children to take part in sports from a young age
你想得6，先看看雅思6的评分标准，我就不一一翻译了。
　　• addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
　　• presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
　　• presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear
　　• arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
　　• uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
　　• may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
　　• uses paragraphing, but not always logically
　　• uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
　　• attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
　　• makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
　　• uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
　　• makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
好，开始说你的正文
As we readily appreciating the international sport competitions, whether government should allocate such huge money in major sports of international competition has aroused people's attention. My personal view is that it is more worthwhile to spend money on stimulating children to participate in sports in their early year.
开头段很中庸，也很简洁。作为一个雅思作文，一个学术性写作，开头段和结尾段是唯一一个你可以不说理，只是展示你个人文采的段落，如果失去这个好机会来展示你平时积累的句型结构以及课外知识，就太可惜了。而且你的第一句话，写了就跟没写一样，句子和你的主题句表达的是同样的意思，就给人感觉是一话两说，没有新意，枯燥乏味。
改：既然说到国际赛事，今年最容易联系到的就是伦敦奥运嘛，把这一盛事稍加描述，用个好看的句型写出来，先说明国际赛事如火如荼，红旗招展，鞭炮齐鸣，完了再转回到你的观点，这样子对比度就会被拉开得更加明显。

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地板

发表于 2012-9-12 11:39:18 |只看该作者

给出一个个人的写作段落，给楼主参考。
As the elegant and respected Queen Elithabeth II jumped with the classic screen idol James Bond, the opening ceremony of the London Olympics Games really pushed the international sport fiesta into a new level, which is strongly shown us a higher, faster and stronger image. Although this creative idea brought me a dazzling feeling, in the rational side of my brain, I still thought it is more worthwhile to spend money on stimulating children to participate in sports in their early year.
红色部分为固定的模板部分，中间的内容可以由楼主随意更换，使用在其他作文当中。模板并不是要全部背下来，而是背上几个句子，连结成整个段落，然后按照这个结构去填充内容，各种类别的作文，都用则样的套路去套一下，这样在真实考试中，写作速度才会提高，就算遇到了新题，也不会耽搁太多时间。
而模板的写作需要自己先准备一个与众不同，如果全部是在网上找成型的模板，没有自己的更改，那么久容易出现千篇一律的大众文章，得分不高。
有了大体的文章结构之后，就可以大量添加自己平时背到得看起来很洋气的单词，因为在短暂的时间里，如果文章结构都拉不出来，是没有心思会去想如何把华丽丽的辞藻用在文章中的。

学英语只有不为考试，才能考出好成绩~

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5楼

发表于 2012-9-12 12:13:27 |只看该作者

Sports, undoubtedly, are physically and mentally beneficial to youths' growth. 第一段落的主题句就导致楼主这一段必然会失败。楼主的主题句里其实是包含了两层含义，说的是对小孩身心都有好处，那么你后面的段落就既要写对身体的好处，还有对心理的好处，根据你后面的篇幅，这是必然写得不够detail，不够清楚的，所以建议你一个段落只写一个点，把这个点写详细，写升华。
而且对小孩体育的投入，真的就和国际赛事没有半点联系么？一个国家的未来，是由小孩的素质教育程度来决定的，所以在国际赛事中的表现，和对小孩的培养也是密不可分的，所以这样就可以把国际赛事和小孩这个联系起来，文章的高度就起来了。

楼主的第二个段落的主题句，Furthermore, encouraging children to participate in sports from a young age will give them access to some sport events in which they may be potentially experts.其实就可以作为对小孩身体好的延伸发展得支持句，而不是单独起一个段落，这样感觉是楼主真找不到理由了，又在一话两说，文章段落结构不够清晰，

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6楼

发表于 2012-9-12 12:15:34 |只看该作者

最后一个正文段更是显得不晓得楼主要说什么了，说理没有理，秀文采又没见着文采，所以这个让步段，没让到位，也没有起到比较和支持自己理论的作用。

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7楼

发表于 2012-9-12 12:23:14 |只看该作者

建议三个段落进行这样的观点修改：
1 体育运动对小孩的身体发展有好处。
支持句1 锻炼成就强健的体魄
支持句2 在强健体魄的过程中，小孩可以发现自己的运动天赋和潜力
支持句3 国际赛事中的获奖选手，是从有运动天赋和潜力的小孩中挖掘出来的。

2 体育锻炼对小孩心理素质的好处
支持句1 体育锻炼培养小孩坚定的意志
支持句2 体育活动可以培养小孩的团队合作精神
支持句3 心理素质好的小孩在比赛中更容易获奖，举个例子说说国际赛事中心理素质好而获奖的，拿射击比赛一类的来说事就很能体现心理素质的重要性

3 让步段：尽管投入钱财在国际赛事上，看起来似乎是挣得了国际荣誉和地位，但是再浮夸的奥运队服，体训装备，而没有可喜的成绩，依然不能得到其他国家真正的敬佩。而投入钱财在小孩的教育上，才算是在为发展国家体育做贡献。题目中的两个点看起来似乎是矛盾的，其实反而后者是在支持前者的。

最后结尾。

楼主可以按照这个思路再写写，记得弄两个好句子把模板形成，我也不知道改了你看得到看不到，你先修改，完了贴出来，我再帮你接着改。